Competitive "friends"

Colleges and Universities A-Z Princeton University
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<p>I'm a regular going anonymous to post this thread. I'm very easy to identify, but I honestly don't mind if YOU know who I am as long as the one person I know in real life who is aware that I post here doesn't connect this thread to me.</p>

<p>My close friend of six years and I are both applying to Princeton RD; we're two of four applicants from our very small private high school. I found out today (from a close friend whom I have no reason to distrust) that she's been acting very competitive about it behind my back, telling other people that she deserves to be admitted and I don't, and generally saying things about me that are, in my other friend's words, "not nice." My friend is a very competitive person and can sometimes be negative to the point of being bi**y, so in a way this isn't really unexpected, *but-- and I understand that she's nervous about decisions, but--</p>

<p>To be honest, I feel hurt and a bit betrayed, and the fact that she considers herself so clearly superior to me disturbs me. I'd be lying if I said I've never compared the two of us, but whenever it's come up in conversation, I've answered honestly but evasively -- "I don't know, I think we're about equally competitive." It's true: her GPA is slightly higher than mine, but my SAT is slightly higher than hers; both of us are strong writers; we're both heavily involved in the same school-sponsored activity and have excelled in different areas outside of school. We're both strong applicants, and we both stand a reasonable chance. Any other comparisons I've had in mind, I've made a point of keeping to myself, BECAUSE THAT IS THE CLASSY THING TO DO. THAT IS WHAT FRIENDS DO.</p>

<p>I'm not expecting an acceptance letter this Thursday, but only because it's Princeton, and the most qualified applicant in the world would be a fool to expect that. I want to say that I'd be happy for my friend if she's accepted and I'm not, and I probably still would be, but with some hesitation... because I know she wouldn't be happy for me, and she would have the backing of our circle of mutual friends (perhaps a third of our grade) in this.</p>

<p>I'm not sure what advice I'm asking for, because this is still very raw and emotional, but has anyone been in the same situation? Should I confront my friend about it? In the very unlikely event that I'm accepted and she's not, how do I get through the last two months of school? :eek:</p>

<p>Thanks for "listening," and sorry about the rant...</p>

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<p>Ya, I completely know what you mean.</p>

<p>One of my friends got into Stanford, and a lot of people complained about how he didn't deserve it behind his back. That kind of stuff is awful.</p>

<p>Words of advice: a person who talks behind your back like that, regardless of how long he/she has known you, is not your friend.</p>

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<p>I know it may seem ostensibly petty but I understand completely that this situation is probably really tough. I don't think anybody "deserves" to get into Princeton more so than another person, or, alternatively, if somebody claims that they do, then that is the precise type of person who should not be accepted. I think it's really immature of your friend to personally attack you (whether it be behind your back or not), but try to be the bigger person and realize that is likely stemming from her insecurities.</p>

<p>I don't know if I would confront her about it until decisions come out. If you both get in, all is well with the world. If neither of you gets in, she will likely be extremely bitter, but there will be no negative attention directed at you. If she gets in and you do not, I think it would be incredibly gracious and mature of you to express how happy you are for her and perhaps espouse a little bit of that Princeton-lovin' to prove that you are thinking about what a good time she is going to have at Princeton and NOT about how you are jealous. If need be, you can say something like "I know that if this situation were reversed, the feelings I have about your decision right now would not be the ones that you have about mine, but I'm OK with that, because I know that because I am your friend, your happiness should outweigh my disappointment." It sounds really remarkably sappy, but if I were her, I would feel INCREDIBLY guilty listening to something like that. If you get in and she does not, you should probably just let her cool off for a while before you attempt to talk to her about it. She's going to be bitter about a rejection to begin with, and exceedingly so if you have been accepted (which I really really hope you will be! by the wya, you are really easy to identify...), so I would just allow her to cool off and then explain to her that if you were accepted, that obviously means that it was the right thing, and that something good can come of NOT being accepted to Princeton. </p>

<p>Girls are petty and mean when they get jealous. Just identify it as jealousy and know that you didn't/haven't done anything wrong. Kill her with kindness. When/if that fails, realize that 2 months really isn't that long and just try to ignore her, for the most part. Friendships fade incredibly quickly these days (as in our last months before graduation), but they're made quickly at the same time. Come May, she'll be crying and hugging you on graduation night as if you were best friends. </p>

<p>This probably helped not at all, and I reallywouldn't even know what to do in this situation, but we'll all always be here to listen to your ranting. We love you!!</p>

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<p>I've been through similar situations with the talking crap about people behind their backs, except I didn't do it to people who I am friends with. If she's really your friend she shouldn't be talking down about you with other people, that's just not cool. Ok now lets analyze the important things. If you get in and she doesn't, tough **** for her. If your acceptance makes her bitter and prone to tell everyone in your grade how undeserving you are of receiving it, stop hanging out with her, because friends shouldn't do that. I can also understand your situation where you'd be proud of her if she got in but vice versa doesn't hold true. There isn't much you can do about it, and it's a good thing you're loyal as a friend but you should really ask yourself if this is someone who you really consider a friend.</p>

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<p>I have three friends who are applying to Pton along with me and we aren't really competitive. One wants to get in and two are just in for fun. I mean, I say that we really all don't have much of a chance, but then we just end up laughing at how silly admissions offices are.</p>

<p>Lime, I hope you get in and she doesn't because not only will it cut her ego down to size, but we don't need her at Pton saying, "I deserve an A, but she doesn't"</p>

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<p>I can definately identify with you.
Situations that make us feel helpless (like waiting for Thursday!) tend to scare the crap of out of people. For some, their first response to fear is to overcompensate with aggression and, often, cruelty to maintain their self-confidence etc.
While it obviously hurts, you should realize that it is most likely more her fear of rejection and try to not to take it personally (we have enough to worry about this coming week!).
I hope that this all blows over soon and that you get some good news Thursday evening :-).</p>

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<p>LOL, no, I really wasn't working too hard to be inconspicuous... I just don't want this post to be tied to my other account because a mutual friend of ours has posted here a few times and would recognize my username instantly (because it's what I use for everything else, too)... I don't want to create conflict among us, but I felt that I needed to get this off my chest somehow.</p>

<p>I honestly don't know whether I can consider this person a friend or not. We've known each other for six years and have many good memories together; we were each other's first friend at a new school, and I mentioned her in my college essay... at the same time, she's always had this vindictive, almost vicious side to her personality, and this isn't the first time I've been bothered or upset by it. It's a tough situation.</p>

<p>Thanks for listening, everyone (and yes, I love you too) :)</p>

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<p>Believe me! I KNOW what you're talking about! except there's two people in my situation. And they're two of my best friends. They've always been competitive, but this year, it's been really bad. They used to make fun of me because I was planning for college freshman year. Now they have become so cutthroat with college decisions. One is a minority who's been getting into top schools with mediocre SAT scores, hardly any EC's, but good grades. Lately this person has started talking behind my back about how I don't deserve to be valedictorian and crap like that. The other friend, who's been my best friend for forever, is a compulsive liar about anything related to school or scores and is really sneaky about school-related stuff, not telling me something important and stuff like that. So, pretty much, I can't wait to get out of high school and go to college. I'm done with this.</p>

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<p>

My friend, too! ...except that it wasn't just freshman year, but all the way through the first half of senior year, and now suddenly she's obsessed.</p>

<p>And I feel guilty for posting this because I'm sort of doing the same thing as she is... well, except for the bit about publicly declaring my superiority, I guess. :rolleyes:</p>

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<p>You should do what j07 suggested. Guilt trip the **** outta her.</p>

<p>And I know kinda how this feels. I'm currently a valedictorian (but uh... with the 3 B's I have right now... doesn't look like I'll graduate that way) and I've had to listen for 7 semesters about how I don't deserve it and how I'll never get into an Ivy. And after I got into Princeton, I started hearing people ask about how the hell I got in and how I don't deserve it. I mean.. it sucks... but what can you do?</p>

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<p>People say that I don't deserve anything that I do/get because they think I always get what I want. It's true that I have sometimes sweet-talked teachers into things, and yeah, I guess that's unfair, but making generalizations about my personality as a whole is probably a bit much.</p>

<p>Also, I get a lot of commentary (99.9% of it negative) about how people like me (half Mexican) don't deserve the benefits of AA (can we PLEASE NOT START AN AA DISCUSSION RIGHT NOW THOUGH PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE) and blahblahblah.</p>

<p>Basically, people will find something unfair in everything. And people will always complain.</p>

<p>I'm just glad that I'm glass-half-full and I rarely complain.</p>

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<p>Ironically enough, as an Asian male... I still have to explain to many many ppl that AA works AGAINST me.... b/c they think that's how I got into Pton.</p>

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<p>Heh. As a female applicant to tech schools and engineering programmes, I get a lot of the affirmative action-type stuff -- 'oh, you're a girl, that's why you got into [College X]', and 'why did [College Y] reject you? Surely they take anything with two X chromosomes for their science programmes?'. And a guy I know who was rejected by a college that took me, despite having better SAT Math (800>770) scores and better grades, has been known to trumpet my insufficiency to the skies ('oh, she's a girl, that's why they took her over me, but it's fine, she'll flunk out anyway'). Frustrating as all hell!</p>

<p>That apart, Lime (and I think most of us know who you are, and we're all rooting for you! You deserve an acceptance as much as anyone can.), she's being irrational. You are not. It sucks more than a bit, and it's maddening that you have to deal with that sort of rubbish, but take comfort in the fact that even if she does get into Princeton, she is probably not going to be overly loved there (or anywhere else, for that matter). Viciousness will out, and no-one at her college is going to be especially impressed or endeared by it.</p>

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<p>I know what you mean. It'll probably be easier for you to get through this if you try to put yourself in her shoes. For really insecure and competitive people who may get a lot of pressure from home (especially from ASIAN parents, etc.), they feel the need to get ahead of everyone or else they get compared, and that really sucks but that's just the way some families are oriented. Maybe because you two are so closely tied and associated to one another, she's scared that you'll come off as the better of the pair, and that's always a ****<em>ty feeling to deal with. So maybe deep inside she will actually be happy for you but on the outside, she tends to put up a front because she doesn't want to see herself as inferior to you. The only reason she's being so defensive and dramatic about it is because she knows that in reality, she's not better than you - that's why she has to fight so hard to make people believe she is. :) If it really bothers you, don't "confront" her about it, just talk to her calmly about it. Be like, "As a best friend, I know how hard it is for both of us to be applying to the same Ivy League college and I know how bad you want it, but I'd appreciate if we were more supportive of each other - especially now when we most need to be. And I'd appreciate if you could have a little more faith in me because in case you didn't know, I really do believe in you." Something along those lines. I know it sounds sappy, like someone said up there. But it may work unless she is a heartless b</em>tch. Haha. Good luck to you! :) We're here for you...</p>

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<p>Some of the students in my class were compalining that they "wouldn't get in anywhere" and so far have been accepted to every school which posted decisions. I know it's understandable considering the pressures of college applications, but still... O_o</p>

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<p>^Well, the Ivies and other big reaches haven't posted yet. I haven't been rejected anywhere yet either, but that doesn't mean much.</p>

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<p>I know of a couple of people who only applied to reaches, and tough reaches like HPY. I was too scared to do anything like that....</p>

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<p>Well, when you hear stories about that 4.3-er getting rejected from Berkeley, you start to worry. Until you have that letter, you'll always have some doubt...</p>

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<p>You have acted in a mature and appropriate manner. Your "friend" is obviously insecure and lacks good judgment, integrity, and maturity. If anything, feel sorry for them. I hope you do get accepted to Princeton. You're the kind of person who I'd like my son to be associated with.</p>

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<p>Thanks for your support, everyone. :) I've decided to act the way I would if I'd never found out about this: if she's accepted, I'll congratulate her; if she isn't, I'll be there for her if she wants me to be... at the same time, chances are I'll be more than a little cautious about what I share with her in the future.</p>