Completely inexperienced dad looking for some guidance

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
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In NE(and everywhere), parents are very anxious for their children to get consistent classes. If BS/Privates are doing a better job, there are many who will apply. Private schools ( boarding and day) have mostly done a better job of offering regular classes compared to public schools who have less resources. I think there will be a huge jump in applicants with those who would normally apply to BS( for 9th grade) as well as those who are flailing in public school (who have had to close in many cases).

One of my kids has a new classmate who is a stellar athlete ( from Canada no less). Parent said on a zoom call that the kid was doing an hour of class a week last Spring.

Internationals have not all made it back. The upperclassmen mainly stayed (with friends or family) and the newer students have not made it due to Covid.

I’ve also seen many kids from Asia as cited above who are at day schools and Catholic schools. I’m sure many apply to BS but cannot get a spot. This has gone on for at least 5 years.

I’m not sure how it will work this year.

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Quick update. We have several interviews scheduled. As I tried to schedule these out I realized the above advice is correct, it is too many interviews. So I’m scheduling ones I care about more first, although trying to get them in December. As much as I would like her to apply to 20 places (because I’m freaked out about her getting admitted) it probably is not a good idea. So I’m being a bit more selective. We are still having in person classes, so getting evening and weekend spots is a challenge.

She is doing little things that make me think she is fully back on board. My best view into what she is really thinking is by the comments she makes and questions she asks that are about details of either staying here, or of going. She isn’t asking many questions or making comments about things like redecorating her older sister’s room (IMHO the best bedroom in the house, including mine. Before the BS talk started she was counting the days until her older sister goes to college so she could have the good room) or classes/activities at the LPS. She is back to asking a lot of questions about BS, both bigger questions like details about schools and coming home for vacation, but also minor logistical issues (would I need to get a new orthodontist, would I still be able to get a driver’s license). The wheels are turning.

She came out to the living room a couple of nights ago and said she had something important we needed to discuss. OK, not sure where this is going. She goes by a shortened version of her name, and it isn’t the most common shortened version either, which occasionally causes confusion. She is thinking that since she will be meeting everyone new, she should just start going by her given name and lose the nickname. She thinks it makes more sense to just start this at the interviews, so there isn’t confusion about what they should call her. Um, sure, IDC. As far as I am concerned, you can start calling yourself X Æ A-12 as long as you stay onboard with the plan!

Mostly that tells me that the wheels are turning for figuring out what this may look like in the fall and how to best set herself up for that. I realize this is a non-issue, but the kind of thing 14 year old girls worry about. But if she didn’t plan on going, she wouldn’t be worrying about what they should call her.

First interview later this week. So some practice the next couple evenings.

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Your post makes me smile. She is so… 14. :heart:

Yes, new orthodontist for tweaks, but keep your home one.
Yes, driver’s license, but it is hard and maybe not worth it.

The name change - kids reinvent themselves at bs. Nicknames and name changes happen both organically and by choice. Kiddo goes by a different nickname at school (a nickname he hated at home but loves there) because teammates used it and it stuck. I know another kid who chose to go by her formal name at boarding school from the jump. What a marvelous thing.

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I used the opportunity to talk to her a bit about the reinventing herself. I kind of gently said that the name wasn’t the important part (gently because 14 year old girl, and they can get really worried about the wrong things sometimes), but that if there is something you don’t like about yourself, or the way others see you, this is an opportunity to get a fresh start. I didn’t give her any suggestions (although I have a few :smile: ), instead I was trying to give her something to think about.

Most kids get that once when they go to college, at least if they go far enough away that they aren’t still surrounded by people who knew them in HS. These kids get another bite at the apple, and a bit earlier where they have the chance to form some of those good habits and qualities they are trying to portray. They are also a bit less set in their identities, so I think it may be a bit easier.

I’m not super excited that her first interview is the one it is, but I guess they will get the genuine deal. Actually for different reasons I really like every school she will apply to, so it probably doesn’t matter.

My guess is that they are pretty good at getting the kids comfortable. Once she gets there, she won’t shut up :smile: . But it can be hard to get her to open up sometimes. I saw coaches do that with her older brother when he was getting recruited, and he was a few years older. So I’m cautiously optimistic the same will happen. I’m also assuming I will see quite a bit of growth between the first and the last interviews. Hopefully that won’t work against her too much.

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Is she willing to practice interviewing with you a bit, or some other adult that she trusts? We didn’t go whole hog, but we did a lot of “what will you say if they as you x” while we were driving to and from places in the week or two before interviews.

I think it’s easier to get over being nervous if you have a good grasp on what you are going to talk about. Here are my question prep suggestions, talk about:

  1. a time she showed intellectual curiosity (preferrably) outside of the classroom
  2. a time she showed grit/determination in the face of failure
  3. a time she helped other people

Those are hard for most kids to answer without some forethought IMO. There are likely to be others more like “what’s your favorite subject and why” but that’s an easier answer.

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The AOs I know really want to see the kids at their best and they are used to talking to kids that age. They often prefer to present it as a conversation rather than an interview. I suspect she’ll be fine and then some! And I love what she’s thinking about. Your post made me smile.

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Thanks for the advice on the interview.

Also thanks to everyone for the 10 pages of advice and in general the positive energy. I really appreciate the suportiveness of the people on the prep school forum.

I’m sure more questions will be coming, if the interviews and apps go well you can count on at least another year of my newbie questions. :wink:

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Just a reminder: you and DD are also interviewing the school.

Especially this year, where so much is virtual, you have to learn how to read between the lines in order to get an inkling of what the place is really like. Every school is much more than a website or a drone video.

Also, although some schools might give you sample questions in order to prepare you, that doesn’t mean that any of those questions will be part of the interview. VOE.

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I really pushed this idea with my kids, especially my son who is less confident than his older sister. He came away from two very prestigious (one the most) saying “I hated that school.” It is important not to get so lost in being interviewed that you forget to bring a critical eye to the school and make sure you (as in you the kid) would like it there.

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^^ DS did the same at the most "prestigious " of the schools he considered saying “everything at that place is about competing.” I realized that he was, in many ways, correct and that while it might have excited lots of folks (included me as a teenager!), he had started to hone in on the kind of environment he wanted.

This is an amazing opportunity for kids to really think about what kind of high school experience they want. The schools you don’t like are just as valuable as the ones you do in that regard. It’s helpful to stop and frame it that way from time to time.

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Good advice. I do get caught up in the competitive part of it a bit sometimes and forget that we also need to do some of the screening too.

That reminds me of some hard advice that I got when S19 was going through college athletic recruiting. Sometimes a “not interested”, either on the kid’s part or the school’s part, is more helpful than good news. In the end, there can only be one. So you need to get there one way or another.

The 2 days S19 told me he was taking Harvard and Stanford off of the list I got a pit in my stomach. But he was right to do so. I still have trouble wrapping my head around him telling the Stanford coach no after they gave him an offer! It isn’t that he was wrong, for him it was absolutely the correct decision. The fit wasn’t there.

Thanks for the reminder to not lose sight of that.

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This made me laugh. Thus far, for college selection I am 0/2 on kids doing what seems like the obvious best choice using my personal criteria (both ended up in the right colleges for them, but both passed up opportunities I would have found a lot more appealing at 18).

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First interview in about an hour. She is pretty firmly on board at this point. I showed her the list I have of interviews scheduled (today, Saturday, then 8 in December. I was afraid she would roll her eyes at the number and ask me to take some off, but instead she inquired about a couple of schools that weren’t on the interview list and asked me to add them. I think there are probably 3-5 more that are lower on her list but still that she would be happy with, and she wants me to add them in if I can.

I’m going to still try to keep things spread out to keep burnout from setting in. So far I’m having pretty good luck with getting things either after school or Saturday. 2 out of 10 that she is going to have to miss her first class and then go late, the rest we were able to avoid that. I think the way our town is trending we are day to day, but as of right now still in person classes every day so I’m trying to work around that.

She has watched a couple of Zooms on interviews, and we have talked about some answers and done some practice questions. I think today I will be able to hear her from the next room, I’m not going to tell her I’m doing that but I may take some notes for things to answer differently next time. She doesn’t seem very nervous. On the one hand, I would expect her to be. On the other, she has always kind of had the attitude “This is who I am, if you like me, great. If not, your loss I’m not changing to please you.” So I think the “talk to adults over Zoom” is intimidating, but the “will they like me” is less so for her. IDK, just my guess at why she isn’t more nervous.

She is a bit nervous about asking teachers for recs. Not for the reasons I am, i.e. that they don’t really know how to write a good one. 2 of the 3 teachers she will ask have kids at her middle school in the popular group, one of which my D used to hang out with when they were younger. She is worried about some pushback from the kids at school if they find out she is thinking about leaving. So I’m hoping that the teachers will use some discretion and not let their kids know that she is applying to BS.

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Do NOT coach her based on what you heard unless she asks. Most kids are nervous in interviews- but she is not interviewing to become head of Engineering at Boeing. She’s interviewing with people who talk to middle school and high school kids for a living and you need to trust the process.

She shouldn’t “hope” that the teachers will use discretion- she can politely ask them for a rec, explain that she is not at all done with her decision-making and therefore they need to understand that having her other teachers, kids in school, etc. know about her “exploration” would be extremely awkward and a significant breach of trust. She can use her own language- but this is not something that a professional educator should do, and she should feel confident that reminding them is NOT an unreasonable request.

Good luck. Go take a walk while she’s on Zoom; your feedback is not going to help her unless there is a specific request she makes of you…

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Good luck to your DD! She’ll be fine. You know I am totally invested in her now. So glad you are keeping us up to date. ??

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Some of this is to share the story with those of you who have been so helpful, and some is for future readers who find this thread and read it because “completely inexperienced dad” sounds like a good way to learn about the process. And of course I selfishly would take any comments or advice that those more experienced than me (read that as all of you) wish to provide.

First interview went really well I thought. I told her that I was going to be in the next room doing some work, but I would be able to hear some of it. I asked her if that was ok, and she said yes. I pretty much just listened and took some notes mostly just a running list of questions that were asked. A couple of times I did kind of get bug eyed at her answer, but I was out of sight and kept quiet. 90% of it though I was pleasantly surprised at how she did. And her “bad” answers weren’t really “bad”, just she had a chance to sell herself and she didn’t. In a throwback to a few posts ago, so 14!

She did mention at the very beginning that she was nervous and this was her first interview. The interviewer did a good job putting her at ease, and told her that this wasn’t really like a job interview but more a way for both sides, the school but also importantly for D, to learn a bit more and see if they thought they were a good fit for each other. She mentioned fit a few times both talking to D and later talking to us together.

I’m sure some of this is just the interviewer’s personal style, but it felt like a lot of rapid fire questions. Tbh I expected D to melt, but she didn’t. A couple of times she kind of BS’ed (not Boarding School, the other one) an answer when she couldn’t think of anything, and kind of got hung up a bit by a “tell me more” follow up. Nothing serious though. I think she also gave some really thoughtful answers, and maybe unbeknownst to D I think some of her answers probably really resonated with this particular school, and even though they weren’t intentionally tailored to fit the school’s ethos, they did a pretty good job of doing so. Again, she is kind of “this is who I am” in her approach to life, so trying to tailor answers to a particular school would probably be pretty transparent and unconvincing anyway. That’s part of why she is applying to the schools she is applying to.

As far as the “coaching”, I am doing some with her permission. But mostly what I did was write down all of the questions and gave her the list. I think some of them she will want to discuss with me, but a lot of them she just needs to think about so she is a bit more prepared to answer. I think this will help with those specific questions if they get asked again, but more importantly just get her thinking along these lines so she knows more what type of questions to expect. This was her first ever interview for anything. I’ll probably point out a few spots where she had an opportunity to show herself off that she didn’t take advantage of. But mostly I’ll just talk about the questions she wants to talk about. I don’t think her answers overall are polished, and if she was applying to the acronym schools she probably would need to clean it up a bit more. But they were honest and genuine and probably gave an accurate portrait of her. And I want her at a school that wants who she is, not who I can have her pretend to be in an interview. So I am trying to bite my tongue and only fix things that truly need fixed and not change the image she is putting out.

I think that in her mind, this was going to be a “throwaway” interview, but after doing a student panel and watching some recorded videos in preparation, and then the interview itself, she said it might be her #1 choice right now. Of course, I won’t be surprised if she tells me that a few more times. When S19 was going through his recruiting, at the beginning his favorite school tended to be whoever he talked to last. I do think this school would be a good fit for her, although others probably fit that description as well.

TLDR: The interview wasn’t perfect, but overall went well, and gave the interviewer a very honest picture of who she is. If they don’t like that it is much better to find out on March 10th instead of finding out it’s a bad fit when she calls me in tears begging me to come get her in October.

Re: the recommendations, she will definitely ask them to keep it confidential. Mostly she just hopes that it doesn’t end up accidentally circulating. I think that for the most part they will keep it confidential, but I do worry a bit that there will be a bit of “I just told one person, who just told one person, who just told one person” type of thing going on. Probably not, but she worries because she knows she will get quite a bit of flack if word gets out.

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Glad it went well! Fwiw, I think the AOs really like the not so rehearsed, less of an agenda kids. They really are trying to figure out who they’re going to be in their communities day in and day out, and kids like your D, who aren’t trying to be what others want them to be, hold great appeal… And believe it or not, they are really trying to admit kids who will thrive there. Mistakes at this age are really hard on the students, the parents, and the school. (A friend who worked as Hos gave me that tidbit, and I am all happy to pass it on.) Way more than colleges, btw.

Which is all to say it’s fine to tweak at the edges if you both want that, but her straight forward approach is probably going to win the day and result in the best matches come M10. Yay for her.

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I think she had a fairly accurate image she presented during the interview. My guess is that most interviews will go the same way in terms of the message she gets out. I guess she has an agenda, but the agenda is not some artificial construct to get her somewhere. It’s just an honest statement about where she will probably fit in.

Roughly:

I’m a genuinely nice person who cares a lot about others. I want to work hard and do well, but I have no interest in being in a place where we all are competing against each other. I definitely want to play volleyball, and I also want to do several yet to be determined other things. I will try hard but honestly probably not excel at many of them because I want to sample lots of things and not be a specialist.

There were a couple of times D gave an answer that seemed to stray from this a bit, and she did a good job recognizing that and clarifying. One example is she said something about wanting to get into a good college. The inteviewer’s response made it sound like she thought D meant she wanted to be on track for HYP or something along those lines. D clarified that she meant somewhere challenging, but not necessarily overly competitive. Mostly she wanted BS to help her get into a college that had the same things she was looking for in BS, good academics, but also a more collaberative less competitive place where she would fit in. That led into a conversation about their college placement and how they focus more on helping kids find fit rather than prestiege, which is exactly what D and I want.

I think the parent greet at the end may have been a bit more important for me than normal, just so I could convey that even though no one from our school (probably state) ever applies there, her parents are 100% on board with letting her move 1500 miles away to go to a BS in New England. As it turns out, for this particular school her older sister is ED’ing to a college 20 minutes away. So I think the interviewer was a bit more at ease that we were genuinely interested in letting her go if she gets in. Maybe that doesn’t matter, I know some colleges worry a lot about yield. Maybe BS doesn’t care as much, I don’t know.

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On the list of unimportant things, I’m guessing her name change will have to wait until fall. Virtually everywhere asked for her preferred name, and I gave it already. One of the first things the interviewer asked was to clarify the spelling of her nickname, because it is slightly different than the normal version.

I told her to not worry about it for the interviews, it is easy enough to change after M10 but before school starts. She seems ok with that. I think trying to unring that bell at this stage will cause more confusion than it clears up, which is exactly what she wants to avoid. The name itself she is pretty agnostic about. She has no preference for the nickname or her given name. She just wanted to change it to eliminate one small source of confusion she occasionally deals with.

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I also have a comment on the necessity of selling oneself in the prep school interview. I know (for a hard fact) that AOs actually love kids who are humble and don’t sell hard.

So I think sometimes it’s ok for kids to just be themselves. As long as kids have something to say, that’s where the coaching comes in. If they ask you about ec’s and you have nothing to say = bad. If they ask about ec’s and you talk about your passion for soccer, but leave out national titles = ok, because they know about the national titles anyway.

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