concerns arising at orientation

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hi - this is my first post! Just dropped my first child (D) off at college this past weekend and left feeling VERY uneasy!</p>

<p>Throughout the orientation/move in process all we (the parent's) heard was how we need to not be 'helicopter parents'. We were discouraged from having interaction with the college. Parents' were told the college will deal with the kids directly. We got a long discourse on how our kids were 18 and we no longer have any rights to information about them......I am talking about a small (top 35) liberal art college where tuition, room and board is 50K. All this is valid but for 50,000 a year I was hoping to hear that although we as parents need to back off - the college will be looking after the interests of our children. Am I being unreasonable about asking for that reassurance? </p>

<p>This feeling of begin shunned raised my concerns about safety. So I asked questions...........bottom line.......I would NOT be called even if my D was in the hospital laying unconscious even if it was due to an assault on campus. The ONLY time they would contact me was if my child was involved in any (even minor) alcohol/drug violation or in a life and death crisis. Again, not very reassuring!</p>

<p>I have had to contact the college on some other things and have yet any response (4 days and counting) - they truly don't seem to want to interact with parents. </p>

<p>Although my daughter is happy I wonder.....how safe and supportive IS this environment? When they cannot seem to respond a simple phone call, how capable are they of handling emergencies?</p>

<p>Has anyone else had a similar experience - just give us your money but don't talk to us? Or, perhaps it is just me, an inexperienced, new mother...........Any thoughts?</p>

2

<p>The problem is that by federal law, the college isn't allowed to release information about your adult child without that person's permission.</p>

<p>There are forms that your student can sign to allow the college to talk to you. You could talk to your student doing this and you even could make your paying your student's college expenses contingent upon your students' signing documentation allowing the college to talk with you about their health, grades, etc.</p>

<p>Otherwise, however, although you are paying the bills, they still are an adult. </p>

<p>I am not sure what you are contacting the college about, but could it be that they aren't responding because due to federal law they can't talk to you about those things? Is the information that you want something that your D can obtain for you or for herself?</p>

<p>During my college education, my parents never contacted the school, and I truly did feel that I was grown (although my mom was helping fund my education), and that I should handle any problems -- which is exactly what I did. This included handing things when I ended up on academic probation after partying too hard. I talked with the dean -- by myself without parents present, and changed my study habits so that I graduated with honors.</p>

<p>I am not sure what you mean when you say that you expect the college to be looking after the interests of the students. The college's responsibility is to provide the students with an education and -- if the students are living on campus -- with a safe, clean environment. </p>

<p>The college, however, isn't responsible for making sure that the student studies, gets a roommate that becomes their best friend, gets themselves out of bed to go to class, eats regularly, gets a flu shot, takes cold medication if they get sick, selects a major that will lead to lucrative employment, etc. Some parents, however, do seem to think that college should be doing those kind of things for their student. Since you haven't described why you have contacted the college, I don't know if you're contacting them about things they can answer under federal law or if you're expecting the college to do things that aren't their responsibility.</p>

3

<p>To be honest with ya, I have two kids in college and have never called their colleges about anything, unless I suppose a tuition sort of question, etc. but not about my child, per se. While I was very active in their schooling from nursery through high school and went in to talk to teachers and so forth, I see college as different. It is a big change for us parents, but the kids really do need to manage things on their own and we can be their support people behind the scenes. They can run something by us if they want and we can advise them but they deal with school directly. </p>

<p>As far as safety, I think the schools have responsibilities to provide as safe of an environment as they can but the rest is part of the student to learn to live on their own. Nobody is "supervising" them like when they lived with parents. The college does not take over as parents. The kids are living as adults but there are support personnel on hand if problems arise. </p>

<p>I don't expect the college to call me if my child has a problem. I expect her to call. If she is not able to call due to an emergency type situation, I would hope that one of her friends would find a way to contact us. Also, I usually ask my kids for the phone numbers of their roomies in case I can't ever reach my child and have some concern about her welfare. In fact, that came up just yesterday with my 18 year old college junior as she is living in an off campus apartment with a new roommate and I used to have the cell phone of her old roomie for the first two years (who I actually have known since she was a kid) and on a rare occasion had to call it when I was concerned about my D who could not be reached. And so yesterday, my D called to say her cell phone was not working (have had this happen a few times the last few years) and she had to get it fixed. But the cell is like my lifeline to her and so I realized I didn't have D's new apartment mate's phone numbers and told her she needs to get me those for this year so I have someone to reach in case of a feeling of emergency. Likewise, I could tell her to let her apartment mate know our number if anything happened where we needed to be reached. I don't expect the college to be that person. </p>

<p>If your child has a non medical problem, I really think your child should attempt to solve it on her own, with your guidance, if need be, over the phone. But I don't think you should be calling the school to solve whatever it is, like we all likely did when they were younger. Time for your young person to be a college young adult and time for our role to change now. Believe me, I am a very involved parent and this was a big transition (for me) but I have not been directly involved with my kids' colleges at ALL.</p>

<p>EDIT....let me add that I cross posted with Northstarmom but agree with all that she wrote. Further, one of my kids started college in New York City at age 16 and I still have never called her school. And yes, my kids' schools cost $50,000 and we are paying, not our kids. My kids choose to share their grades with us and so it was never an issue as to the legal ramifications. They want to and we want them to. They just share anyway about what is going on in their lives.</p>

4

<p>Essentially, your child is now 18 and legally the school CANNOT contact you without your child's permission. If your child is in the hospital, the hospital cannot contact you because of HIPPA. The college MAY contact you, but if a student feels that their privacy has been violated, the college is likely at fault. </p>

<p>I have one in grad school and 2 in undergrad. All attended small colleges. I never contacted any of the schools for anything other than for basic information. I don't think that the fact that the school has not returned your call means that it is not a caring or supportive environment. Your daughter is happy. Assume that she will remain so. If she needs you, she will let you know. Otherwise, let it go.</p>

5

<p>Wanted to deliver an online birthday cake. Found out the college does not accept these. Trying to get a hold of someone (housing, campus dining, etc) to see if I have any other options. Seems like a simple enough question to answer - why can't some say "you have no other options" or "here's what you can do....." Is it okay for this to wait 4 day for an answer to?</p>

<p>As for my D 'being taken care of' - perhaps I didn't convey my thoughts accurately. I feel we got an over load of 'stay away' from the President's, dean of academic affairs, dean of student affairs, housing, etc speeches (12:30 PM - 4:30 PM). I believe there were other parents who also felt the orientation process was negative.</p>

6

<p>I will amend my statement that I have NEVER called anyone at college. I just realized I did make one call last January and that was only because the school sent us, as parents, an emergency email. My D, who was a sophomore, age 18, was going on an all expense paid trip with her Scholars program to Brazil, to two cities, one being Rio De Janeiro, for ten days, along with the deans and heads of the Scholars. The night before they were to fly to Brazil, and in fact, while my kid was in a taxi in New York arriving from the airport after a vacation in Florida to spend the night before joining the group to Brazil, she called to alert me that she was getting an emergency call from the heads of the program about the situation in Rio and if anyone wanted to back out, they could. At the same moment, I was receiving an email from the Dean of the program to parents of all those going on the trip, that there were new developments in Rio, that the program had just learned about from the US Consulate, with warnings for our citizens for going to Rio because there were fires being set to tourist busses with deaths and also some murders of tourists and a lot of violence where our kids were about to go the next day and they wanted to inform parents. I was a bit nervous and so while I never call the school, they did give their contact cell phones if any parents wanted to contact them. I read what I could find online and then I decided to call one of the leaders of the program and asked if the kids would be in these public busses ever on the trip and also if their planned excursions for some activities in the slums were still on, as we were still planning to let our D go. She explained that they would not be on public busses and they were taking the activities in the slums off the itinerary. I told her I never call school but it allayed my fears and she didn't mind at all. The next morning, just hours before the students were to all meet up at Kennedy Airport, an email was sent to parents that the trip had a major change to not go to Rio but just to the other city, but for the entire ten days and that the changes would all be told to the kids at the airport. I felt relieved with the change and in this case, they informed the parents. I had no further involvement. I also never asked for any change to be made. But I gather they collected enough information to realize that it was too dangerous. So, I have made ONE call. But I feel the college first reached out to parents to inform them and to provide their personal cell phone numbers given the concerns that would be raised. I only called for information, but never made any request at all as to what they should or should not do.</p>

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<p>Ruffle'sMOM....OK, that is a little different. In my D's freshman year, she was turning 17 while at school. I thought I would have a cake delivered and I looked up on the dining services website if they did that and it appeared it could be done. I called dining services. It turned out to not be a good deal whatsoever....extremely overpriced for what it was. I baked my own cake like I had done for her other 16 birthdays and mailed it. It was a hit. If I wasn't called back, like happened to you, I would just keep calling. I would not see this as a reflection of the college so much. It may just be a reflection of whomever works in food services. Try again. If that doesn't work, cross off that cake option. This is not a big deal. Find other ways to get her a cake. </p>

<p>As far as the college's attitude at orientation, it is hard to say. Perhaps they came on strongly because they have had some parents who are TOO involved with their college kids and in still running interference, etc. I am sure colleges want parents to be supportive but they don't want them calling up in the same capacity that they did when their kids were in grades K-12. If the child is having a problem, the parent can guide them as to who to see or talk to on campus to solve it. Mom or Dad should not call to solve it, in other words, unless in extreme cases or if everything has been tried, etc. So, the colleges likely were talking from a vantage point of having had some parents who were overly involved in ways that are not appropriate for COLLEGE AGED students. They also are aware that parents of freshmen are in the "letting go" phase and making adjustments and transitions of their own, not just the kids. So, they were guiding parents to what they think works for college success and know that parents will have to adjust their thinking now that their sons and daughters are truly on their own.</p>

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<p>i can understand your frustration, ruffles</p>

<p>I called my Ds school to find out about move in time- we are cabbing it from a hotel in NYC, and there was a strong possibilty due to cars available , etc that we might be there an hour early and we didn't want to have to stand on the street...they were very accomidating</p>

<p>So sometimes, there are valid and no=personal reasons to call a school you child is attending</p>

<p>I am sending my younger D for family weekend, and needed more information on the times, etc</p>

<p>Just easier than playing phone tag</p>

9

<p>"Seems like a simple enough question to answer - why can't some say "you have no other options" or "here's what you can do....." Is it okay for this to wait 4 day for an answer to?"</p>

<p>I can very well imagine that the college didn't know the answer to the question. Having been a college prof, I also know that when students start arriving on campus for fall semester, there are lots of major problems to fix, and everyone -- faculty, staff, administration -- has things that need to be attended to immediately. A call about how to get a birthday cake to a student would be a low priority.</p>

<p>Me, I'd just bake and mail the cake or make arrangements with my son's roommate to pick up the cake. When older S was in college, spent hours each day working with an EC activity, and I called there and made arrangements to have pizza delivered on S's birthday. The students were happy to help with this especially since they'd get to share in the pizza.</p>

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<p>EXPERIENCED PARENTS: Thank you for all your input. I feel much better knowing that this is not unusual! </p>

<p>Soozviet: yes, it seem the school did come on 'too strongly'.</p>

<p>As for the cake: her 18th b-day is on a holiday - Labor Day (yeah! the joke was on me!). Her roommate is away for the long weekend, college won't accepted a home baked or a local bakery deliveries, and can't get a hold of the RA, First year mentor, resident services, or campus dining!</p>

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<p>"college won't accepted a home baked or a local bakery deliveries"</p>

<p>Don't they accept mailed packages? How'd they know whether baked goods were in the package.</p>

<p>Labor Day birthday -- LOL at that. :)</p>

<p>Can the students have pizza delivered? Can "happy birthday" be spelled out in green peppers? (Weird, but desperately trying to help.)</p>

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<p>Green pepper pizza is a great idea - I'll to look into this! Thank You.</p>

<p>On baked goods: the mail room say they keep very limited hours and don't want to recieve 'perishibles' such as cakes, fruit, choclate, etc beacuase they often just sit in the heat!</p>

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<p>My son didn't acknowledge my first care package when he was a freshman. I got the message (OK, I was mad) and quit spending time preparing them (correct move) and thanked my lucky stars that he apparently wrote thank you notes when his Aunt mailed him brownies (he doesn't even like) a few times. I didn't appreciate his being rude to me, but comprehend he was backing off from my ministrations which included food things for his hall/roommates. However, I remain pleased he is mannerly enough to mail a thank you note when he receives things from relatives and elderly friends. Once a box of brownies was returned to said Aunt. I don't think he ever went to the post office which was in a far building, so the package expired and was sent back.</p>

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<p>I have to tell you about the hoops I jumped through to get a cake to my S last year, when he was a freshman.</p>

<p>Like you, I first went to the dining section of the school website to see if they had a party package. They did, but I was past the deadline (calling Friday AM for a Monday afternoon delivery). The person who worked in the catering office was very kind, though, and took my order and my credit card info just in case she could get the director to waive the deadline.</p>

<p>Not feeling very hopeful about getting a cake from dining services, I took another approach. </p>

<p>S's school is very near an Italian neighborhood, so I started calling some of those bakeries to see if I could get a carrot cake (his favorite) delivered. The great thing about these bakeries is that they are all authentically Italian. The downside is that I couldn't communicate with the wonderful Italian grandmothers who answered the phones. Finally, I got a grandmother who put me on the phone with her son, who spoke somewhat better English but it was still rough going. He told me that they've had a hard time getting on campus to deliver cakes (post-9/11) but I told him how I thought we could do it (I'm an alum) and he agreed. So I ordered a $50!!! carrot cake.</p>

<p>Then I called S to tell him what I had done. He was not a happy camper. Did not want a cake. Tough. I'm the mother, and your getting a carrot cake whether you want it or not. Happy Freaking Birthday.</p>

<p>Later that day, the catering office left me a voicemail saying they were able to put my order through. It was after 5, too late for me to call and cancel. So S, who didn't even want one cake, was now getting two cakes! Because no way was I going to call that little Italian bakery and cancel that order. I could only imagine that conversation, and I wasn't going there.</p>

<p>So Monday and his birthday roll around. At 2 PM, my phone rings. Don't recognize the caller ID, but it turns out to be a freshman girl who lives in S's dorm. She is standing outside the dorm with the delivery person from the Italian bakery, who couldn't reach my son or his roommate on their cell phones. He also spoke very little English, but this girl got my phone number from him and called me. She was so sweet! She offered to take the cake to my son's room, even though she didn't know him. I thanked her profusely. </p>

<p>S called me later that day to tell me he got the cake, and he THANKED ME! Said it was the best carrot cake he'd ever had (for $50, it better have been), and that the kids on the floor thought it was great.</p>

<p>He never got a call from food service to pick up that cake. Turns out they never charged my credit card for it, so it was all good. :)</p>

<p>I told him the other day that this year I was going to hire Mr. Met (the NY Mets' mascot) to bring him a cake!! If you've ever seen Mr. Met, you know what great idea this is! ;-). S looked at me with horror and made me promise I wouldn't. And I did, but only because I don't have the extra $500 or so that imagine it would take to make that happen. Still, a parent can dream.</p>

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<p>very good story PMcMscot! Why don't you and I send each other cakes and care packages so as not to embarrass the fellows anymore! No thank you notes involved.</p>

<p>My son didn't want my care packages, or even calls or emails unless we could hold it down to about once a week. However, once those boundaries were accepted, he did bring home a perfectly great friend for fall break whose parents lived too far away. So..we are just on to another playing field, and with time enough for them to make friends on their own, they will be bringing their closest friends around to meet us.</p>

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<p>Rufflesmom, I don't think the mailroom knows what is in the package. I just mailed the cake.....the past two years and it came intact. I think I told roomie to pick it up at the mail room. My D was very happy to get it as a touch of birthdays past....a tradition. I don't mail care packages to college generally, however. Frankly, the cake has arrived safely but gift money from relatives sent to my D in the mail to her college (which is sent directly by mail to her dorm) has not had as much luck. Now, this year, I likely will mail the cake again. This time she lives in an apartment building with a 24 hour doorman. Even a better chance of delivery. </p>

<p>PmcMScot...enjoyed your story!</p>

<p>And for my other D, she just had her 21st birthday three days ago at home (is here briefly) and while we celebrated here, we want her to have a fun celebration at school and so we are giving her some money for a party at her new campus house. I baked a cake that we had at home (as always) and so I guess she may not have one at the party but doesn't seem to care. A 21st birthday party when school resumes will likely have other things at it more meaningful, LOL.</p>

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<p>Well, I haven't tried to mail a cake, so I'll have to restrict my comments to the OP's original complaint: I think Ruffle'sMom has a legitimate complaint about the attitude of the speakers at orientation. Speaking as a former college prof, and the spouse of a longtime prof, I am well aware that some parents do not know the boundaries, and at some point need to be told to back off. Nonetheless, all of the speakers at the parents' sessions at my son's orientation program last weekend, including the university chancellor and the dean and senior associate dean of the engineering school, went out of their way to let parents know that the university cared about our concerns, understood that it can be a trying time for parents, and sincerely hoped we would stay in contact because we were part of the "family" now. Furthermore, the deans pointed out that the students had been given their phone numbers and were welcome to call them. (I'm guessing they know from experience that few students actually do, but that announcing that would put parents at ease.)</p>

<p>I left feeling that my son had chosen wisely, and although I know full well that he is an 18 yr old young man now, not a boy, I appreciated that administrators were not callous about the anxiety that accompanies sending one's offspring away to college.</p>

<p>Also, with regard to all the references to "federal law", the University of Chicago states quite clearly that grades are automatically forwarded directly to parents. I laughed about that, because that is where my son was headed until the last minute, and I knew he would be unhappy to hear that. Maybe that is why he changed his mind!</p>

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<p>I admire the dedication some of you parents have to getting your kids birthday cakes.... but I thought I'd point out that I managed to get the thought across with a lot less fuss & muss by using a service that sends care packages to kids by mail. It didn't matter what the college's policies were -- this is something that arrived in a box along with other deliveries. There are plenty of services to choose from -- I really like From-mom.com because you can build your own care package, picking and choosing items you want. For less than $40 last year I sent my d. a package which had a lot of chocolate (brownies, cocoa, etc.) and a suitable birthday message. </p>

<p>Of course if I was a really good mom I'd do my own baking ,-- but the point is, even though the sentiment is great, you really do not have to make a big production out of sending gifts to your kid at college. I can see why colleges would hate getting calls from moms trying to arrange this sort of thing -- it really isn't part of the job of the staff to make that happen. </p>

<p>On the other hand...if you absolutely must do this sort of thing... try this web site:
<a href="http://www.usabirthdays.com/service/reservations-individual-college.asp%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.usabirthdays.com/service/reservations-individual-college.asp&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

<p>They seem to know what they are doing.</p>

19

<p>I was glad I didn't end up using a cake delivery service. In the end, it just meant something different to have the cake that mom made because it was a tradition in our family. I have made elaborate cakes, often decorated on a theme or even shaped as such for all of their birthdays and for many years, even their half birthdays. So, for the first birthday away from home, it was that same touch that I know my D enjoyed (though she doesn't even EAT cake!! LOL). Her friends thought it was cool when they lit the candles and all that. I was amazed it arrived intact. Even this week for my other D's birthday, though granted she was home for it, I could tell that the cake I made meant something to her. We took the annual pictures. She even remarked about never having seen candles like the ones on this cake. We also have numeral candles on the cake every year and my D has every single year's candles saved, lol. So, I'm not saying this is a better option, but I know that it was the one thing on her birthday that was like a touch of tradition/home. The college had nothing to do with it. Again, I send no care packages otherwise. This was simply to keep up the birthday "tradition."</p>

<p>PS...I looked at that cake delivery service. Those are expensive cakes and they don't have the very personalized decorations I tend to do! :D....I don't just write happy birthday dear D! My cakes vary greatly each year with themes, drawings, and sometimes even shapes. Maybe I should go into the college kid birthday cake service! :p</p>

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<p>I'm beginning to feel great relief that my son's birthday is after the end of spring semester. No cake required at school.</p>