Not sure if this is the right place to ask my question, but I’ve been genuinely quite stressed about this.
I’ve developed a huge crush on one of my TAs at the beginning of the semester. I’ve been holding in the feelings ever since and have done everything I can to avoid going to office hours except when I really needed it and have refrained from any type of flirting at all since I know that this is unethical. However, I still really like him and would just like to get to know him better. After my grades for the course comes out, should I tell him how I feel? I will also be a grad student this fall so there is no chance that he will ever TA me again (he’s in a different department anyways).
If you are a senior, and will be a grad at that school, why not ask him out?
The unethical part is if he is still grading you, you probably want to wait until the class is over, to avoid putting him in an awkward or compromised position.
Could you reach out to another TA and see if they have any get togethers or something where you could see him not at work?
Thank you for all the replies! I’m definitely waiting until grades come out, but the thing is, by the time grades come out, class would have ended and there’s really no more excuses to ask my TA to meet me in person, right? Wouldn’t it be weird to ask him out over email?
Also, because I’ve been trying so hard not to act on my feelings, I’ve only gone to office hours a couple of times and haven’t talked to him too much. Therefore, wouldn’t suddenly asking him out or telling him how I feel be a little bit too much? It’d be different if I had given him signs and hints but I haven’t done any of that and I’m not sure how he would feel.
Lastly, what do I even say when I ask him out to coffee or dinner? I’ve never initiated anything before so this is going to be nerve-wracking.
I would not start out by telling him how you feel about him. Asking him out will take care of that.
However you decide to ask him out could be weird. So what? Do you want to pass up a chance for a relationship because it’s weird? You could just keep it simple and say something like “Now that you are no longer my TA do you want to get together for …”.
Or maybe after grades are out you could “ask for advice about going to grad school” or something like that over coffee…and at the end of that ask if he would like to get together again
^^Thanks for the suggestion! I’ve actually thought about that too but I will be going into a drastically different area of study (and he knows that) so he really can’t offer me any advice since our programs are so unlike. Therefore, I need to come up with something else lol. Also, if I ask through email, he will have an easier time rejecting by just not responding to the email, right? Therefore, I need to find some way to meet with him and do it in person…
I also don’t know if he’s in a relationship but I guess there’s only one way to find out. I’m also a lot younger than him but then again, it seems like guys care less about the age difference? The more I think about it, the more hopeless my situation seems
I think the main thing holding me back is a debilitating fear of rejection and my lack of experience. The fact that there’s the age gap and interest in completely different subjects also makes me wonder if we will have any common interests to talk about. Yet differences can be exciting too, right? I think he may be a little on the shy side and the fact that he was my TA most definitely means that I will have to make the first move for anything to happen…there’s no way he will make a pass at a student, even a former one. I just hope he isn’t offended/annoyed when I do work up the courage to ask.
Whatever you do, though, I strongly second the suggestions here to give no hint of this until grades are in. (Not just once all assignment are in, but once grades are in and posted.) If you do anything before that, there are practicalities to the ethics—it would put your TA in a no-win situation, really, even if he isn’t going to be doing any grading himself.
As my kids would say, awk…ward.
I do know a couple of folks who married students they TA’d. But it was the TA who made the first move, after the semester ended. In both cases, they knew the women well enough to try because the students had been coming to office hours. No one just popped in and expected a relationship to suddenly bloom.
@dfbdfb Definitely. In fact, that’s what I mentioned in my posts, and I want to make that clear. I have no intention of doing anything until after grades are in or perhaps after graduation. In fact, I’ve been making a conscious effort not to talk to him or be near him unless I actually needed help on something.
@lookingforward oh no… this is exactly what I was worried about. It’s going to be awkward no matter what. Plus, what are the chances that he feels even remotely the same way about me as I feel towards him? Mutual attraction/interest is so rare. Yet I can’t help who I like. I have been to office hours only a couple times and it was one-on-one because no one happened to come on those days. I get what you’re saying…I’m not by any means expecting a relationship to suddenly bloom. I just want to get to know him better/hangout more before deciding if anything is worth pursuing.
Talk about something related to the class (make it make sense.) If it goes well (the usual signs, he’s not looking away or distracted- more than usual teacher good manners,) “Would you ever like to continue this conversation over coffee?”
Gives you a chance to hide behind “conversation,” not “date.” If he bites, you give him your email and see what happens. That gives him a chance to back off, if he was just being nice; and gives you a chance to see if he really is interested. But it’s still coffee. Try to not over romanticize.
All I can offer is that 5-20 years from now, you will forget the awkwardness of the situation but will likely remember/regret not giving it a chance. I know I do.
As for having nothing in common, if there is chemistry then you will find or create things in common. You are both grad students, in the same age bracket and at the same stage of life.
How about, “Hey, can I buy you a cup of coffee for helping me out last semester?” . Yes, extremely weird but if he remembers you and was even remotely interested, he will probably respond.
On many college campuses, people can’t consent to any sexual contact, including kissing, after having a drink. At others, drunkeness is the line, and at others, unconsciousness. Obviously the second 2 won’t happen here.
For dating, recommending getting drinks might be bad advice for college students. Most colleges only condone drinking with friends, if that.
Why don’t you try utilizing office hours more? I know that you said you were trying to avoid this, but right now this is the only “legit” way you have of making more contact with him - which could give you more opportunity to see if you can gauge any interest on his part. It is perfectly acceptable for you to visit him on office hours for help/feedback on the class. This will also help later if you want to email him to meet up. It won’t be so “out of the blue.” And while you are in his office you can see if he has any framed photos of a significant other and maybe even just get a feel for some of his interests from items that he has around his desk/office.
I don’t know if I would go this route. I used to TA in graduate school, and if a student (of any gender) visited my office hours and started talking to me about class, then asked if they could continue the conversation over coffee, I would take them at face value that they wanted to talk about the class or about graduate school. It would be suuuuuuper awkward if I showed up to coffee all enthusiastic about the class and then it became clear the student really liked me and wanted to date me.
I agree that visiting him in his office hours is probably the best way to make contact but there just be direct - ask him out for lunch or coffee some time, saying you’d like to get to know him better. The latter part makes it clear you are looking for more than just a mentor or academic conversation. That will allow him to make a decision about whether to chill with you knowing up front that it isn’t about class.
