<p>Our oldest is away at school for the first time this year. She seems to be doing just fine. However, I feel as if I want to hear from her daily...if just a quick text. But I also know how busy these kids are and am aware that this is mainly based on my needs (missing my kid with whom I have always been close!) rather than her needs. She is patient and can relay information a couple of days later (i.e. sports tryouts or a new teacher) while I want to hear how things went as they happen.
The school suggested that we set up a weekly (or twice weekly) time to talk or skype and then leave the door open for them to call or text as little or as much as they want in between that. </p>
<p>So, just wondering...do you all:
1. Text
2. Skype
3. Email
4. Mail</p>
<p>and how often with each of these methods? Do you have a formal time so that all family members are home to chat, or just tell your child to call when it is convenient for them?</p>
<p>I am not a helicopter parents at home, but feel like I am at danger of being one with our boarder! Help!</p>
<p>T</p>
<p>We let our son determine when he needed to communicate with us (cell phone for quick calls, Skype for longer conversations that he could plan for). We spoke with him about once a week in the beginning of the year, once very two weeks toward the end of the year. That worked fine for us and was realistic given rules on phone usage. With the no-phone policy during most of the school day, limits on where phones could be used, and formal no-phone study hours each night, he only had a very small window of time each day when he could possibly make a call. We could tell he was happy and engaged, so we didn’t feel the need to keep checking. Also, I think he was so busy, he forgot about us most of the time. ;)</p>
<p>I think it can really vary from family to family. There’s nothing wrong with setting a frequency you feel comfortable with. Make sure your child understands your views on the issue and knows how often you expect them to keep in contact. These are 14-15 year old kids so I don’t consider it being a helicopter parent to expect regular communication. They are not in college, and despite being in boarding school, still need parental involvement IMHO. We are a close-knit family. In boarding school, I would have contact with my kids 2-3 times per week via a combo of phone, email and facebook. Phone conversations could be as short as a few minutes or as long as 45 minutes depending on schedules and what the child was needing to talk about at the time. In addition, we were fortunate to live close enough to attend sporting events and other events. </p>
<p>Although most communication is electronic these days, kids love mail so an occasional card or small package is always appreciated to clear the cobwebs out of the post office box. :)</p>
<p>I agree with the school and Choatie Mom about letting her determine when to call (mostly)–but then, my kid still calls to check in almost every day, usually on his way to or from something, and I know we miss it when he doesn’t call–his dad probably more than me at this point. Honestly, though, when things are going well, there’s not much to say. We’ve never set up a specific time to call–that seems a bit awkward–but I’d definitely ask her to call once or twice a week when it works best for her–if you find she’s not already doing that. </p>
<p>I know this isn’t exactly what you want, and others might see this as too helicoptery, but I think that if you really miss her, a cheery, short, once-a-day email with an encouraging thought or funny story or photo from home would be fine and might help you feel connected. Whether they tell us or not, I think teenagers really like getting those positive messages from parents. And if she’s busy, she can ignore it or send you to a Mom folder! </p>
<p>I’d be more hesitant about calling or texting a lot. We hardly ever call because I’m always worried about interrupting something important. I do text if I have a specific question that needs a quick, immediate response–but more often, I try to keep a list of questions to ask or things to tell him next time we talk. Making that list helps me feel more connected without being a pain in the neck, and gives us some specific stuff to talk about too.</p>
<p>For the record, I don’t think you’re helicoptering. It’s hard to let go of that day to day check in, and in our experience it’s a good thing when it happens naturally. My second son–a very open, friendly, huggy kind of guy-- is making noise about going to boarding school now, and I’m really feeling torn about it as I know he won’t call as often as his brother…something he readily admits is true. We won’t stop him if that’s what he really wants…but I’m suggesting all sorts of alternatives. :-)</p>
<p>And I agree with creative about the cards and packages–always welcome, though it’s a good idea to let them know so the cookies don’t get stale! I’ll gradually fill a care package over a week or two with little things from home, and it’s another thing that makes me feel like I’m staying in touch.</p>
<p>I sort of took my daughter to task after her first year at BS ended for not being good about communication on a few fronts.</p>
<p>First, with my wife, her younger sister, and me. In the beginning (when new to BS parents are the most hungry for news on “how it’s going”), we could go 2-3 weeks without hearing a peep from the kid! Emails would go unreturned…even ones that were about admin/logistics like “Did you get the package we sent?” And nary a letter. I eventually realized that that FB could be a good channel to get in touch with her if we needed to. And she did get better about calling home semi-regularly as the year went on. But not great. And I’m not expecting anything more than a call once a week.</p>
<p>Second, I fear she didn’t send enough thank you notes/replies to the friends and family who either sent her care packages or letters over the year. In terms of keeping up relationships, she needs to learn that correspondence begets/begs correspondence. This is just a good habit that I want her to get into as it will serve her well for the rest of her life.</p>
<p>The funny thing is that her younger sister is at a two week camp right now and has written letters to the three of us as well as both sets of grandparents! Odd that two kids from the same parents can be so different…</p>
<p>This year, I think we’re going to try to set aside a day of the week to try to chat. Keep in mind that at SAS, there is no internet in the dorm rooms and cell phones are not permitted in public spaces.</p>
<p>Another parent, and then the adult dorm advisor, recommened the set time weekly for the idea of a ‘business call’. Use that time to discuss budget/allowance needs or concerns, grades, illness, travel plans, etc…items that need to be taken care of. Then, chat on as much or little as they like. If the ‘business’ is generally kept to that call then kids know that calling or texting other times need not result in talking about those things…it can be solely on their terms for a short or long as they like about what they want to share.</p>
<p>Sunday late evenings tend to be a popular time for the set calls as all parties are generally available…especially if you want to skype. </p>
<p>We may try the above. I love the ideas you all set forth with letting our child take the lead, sending notes or packages and encouraging email. Keep the ideas coming! It is MUCH harder than I expected to not be hearing from my child everyday!</p>
<p>T</p>
<p>One suggestion. A convenient time during the week for most kids is right after school when they’re walking to sports. They have nothing else to do, so they might as well call!</p>
<p>^This is what my experience says too–that is, asking your kid to check in a few times a week as he/she is walking to breakfast or to sports or home from class is much easier than trying to schedule the once a week longer call that might feel like a duty more than something he/she actually wants to do.</p>
<p>swim dude & classicalmama - that might work at some schools and I could see how it would be an effective means of multitasking for a student, however, some schools do not allow students to use cell phones on campus grounds so therefore it is not an option to many.</p>
<p>From a students perspective I think the amount of communication is really dependent on the relationship between parent and child, the amount of independence the child is used to, along with many other factors. I personally called my parents not as frequently as they probably wanted. I called maybe once a week as a minimum but there were those times that I wouldnt talk to them more than a few times a month. I think e-mailing/texting is too impersonal so I stick to calling them, but whatever works for your child. Also, be sure to send some care packages every once in awhile to entice them to communicate more often.</p>
<p>My roommate, however, was a different story. He called his mom 6 days a week (not on Saturdays) right before he went to bed for about 30 minutes (or more). I bore witness to conversations ranging from anything. The A+s he received all his quizzes and tests, the intensity of every single one of his sports practices, and the dining options for breakfast, lunch and dinner were retold as he recapped his entire day from start to finish to his mother. Definitely dont call your child right before bed, especially when his roommate would like to sleep and so he wouldnt have to resort to listening to his Ipod in order to drown out the noise of his roommate, who just happens to talk EXTREMELY loud when hes on the phone. (Sorry just had to vent for a moment). </p>
<p>My parents and I viewed boarding school as basically an early college for me rather than high school since I was close to 17 when I started and because I was already a sophomore at my public school before I enrolled at school so less communication was expected. I still cant fathom going to a boarding school at age 14 so if you have a younger student it may make sense to communicate much more frequently than an older student, especially during the transition those first few months. At boarding school, at least from what Ive seen and experienced, students are almost forced to create surrogate-like families that help support them when they need help or to merely to act as family figures in everyday life. My friends at school are more like brothers and sisters to me than just friends and Ive seen students advisors act like parents for their advisees. </p>
<p>Also, the amount of time a student spends at boarding school is relatively small. With three month summer breaks, two-three weeks vacations interspersed throughout the year along with 3-4 day longer weekends every once in awhile, it might not seem like your child is away for that long especially if you live within a short driving distance of your students school.</p>
<p>2010: So happy to see you resurface here on CC. Good to have perspectives from current students.</p>
<p>Didn’t you go through two cycles of apps before landing somewhere? If so, you should bump that story or retell in the applicants of 2013 thread to give some perspective for the current crop of applicants.</p>
<p>Just my two cents: I would make it a point to call my family maybe once a week, but probably text them or IM my sister. It’s harder to reach by call. If my parents are away, I just email them, almost never call. :]</p>
<p>Now I’m curious. Which schools restrict the use of cell phones and to what extent? What about access to the Internet/email in dorms? I hadn’t even considered that there might be a school where my kid wouldn’t be allowed to call or text home in a break between or after classes.</p>
<p>Well, I don’t think that they’re allowed to call during a break. My bet is that only after school, in the dorm, after sports etc.
But that’s an interesting question. I would think that it varied for schools.</p>
<p>St. Paul’s School - Cell phones cannot be used outside of dorms. Your child is free to go back to his dorm throughout the day during lunch, free blocks, etc. The idea is to foster face-to-face interaction across campus by not being “plugged in”. I find it beneficial as students/faculty will greet each other when passing on the paths. I noticed a different environment when visiting some schools with a more lax cell phone policy - there was little engagement when passing folks on campus. I’d personally much prefer my child spend time chatting with friends while walking from dorm or classroom to the gym than call me. He/she can always call me later in the evening once checked in for the night. The whole SPS campus has wifi so internet/email access is readily available.</p>
<p>Ask your child’s dorm parents to recommend the best time to call when you drop her off. Many schools have strict study hall hours, when students should be quietly studying. As Hopeful 2010 noted, it is distracting for other students to overhear your phone call. You daughter may feel bashful about sharing details when she thinks others must listen in.</p>
<p>We generally email, text, and receive phone calls. We tend to hear from them more often when they’re unhappy about something, or when they want something from home. There have been times we have had to call a child’s advisor to request a phone call home, or send firm emails. </p>
<p>The kids really appreciate small packages with treats from home. Almost anything will do–it need not be expensive or unusual. If you send snacks to a dorm, try to send a large enough amount to allow your child to share with friends. Most kids seem to share their treats readily with others.</p>
<p>I would suggest that you not call frequently in the first few weeks. (A good rule of thumb is that the period between the first day and Parents’ Weekend is an adjustment period.) Kids seem to make a habit of dumping whatever is aggravating them at the moment into their parents’ ears, then blithely go on their way(s), leaving the parents worrying about an issue which isn’t bothering the child anymore, after he’s been able to vent to a parent. Also, if your child is homesick in the first few weeks, long calls home can make him feel more unhappy, in part because it’s eating into the time he could use to meet his classmates. (I know this sounds counterintuitive!)</p>
<p>If you worry about your child, do contact her advisor and/or dorm parents. Don’t rely solely upon phone calls from your child, if your child seems to be acting in an unusual manner.</p>
<p>Read this thread through: <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-admissions/390612-my-daughter-hates-boarding-school.html?highlight=hates[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-admissions/390612-my-daughter-hates-boarding-school.html?highlight=hates</a></p>
<p>If you don’t have much time, compare Post # 1 to Post # 80.</p>
<p>Hello-
I went to summer camp at Choare for a couple weeks, which was like mini boarding school, as I had never been to sleep away camp before then. For the first, say, two minutes after my parents just left, I was missing them. But once I realized that I could call them, I was fine. Usually, I’d call just after study hours (nine o’clock), every few days. I’d also drop in a quick email to my mum every once and a while when I couldn’t call. While my family would have liked for me to call them every day, I truly didn’t have time.
So, I would say that, as a student looking to go to boarding school, I wouldn’t like my parents talking to me every day. Every few days is fine.</p>
<p>@classicalmama: At SAS, no internet in dorm rooms (not even wired). There are wired connections available in the common rooms, and I would often see kids on laptops or the two public iMacs when dropping off/picking up last year.</p>
<p>There are also no phone lines into the dorm rooms. Pretty sure there is a hall phone. For cell phones, here is the policy in the Parent Handbook (in condensed form):
- Students may use cell phones ONLY in their own rooms
(in practice, I think there is an area outside the dorm where people go to make calls…partially for reception reasons)
- Cell phones may not be used during study hours (gives list of days, times that seem to cover the school day then study hall)
- Cell phones may not be used after “lights out” hours (exact time varies by form)</p>
<p>Thanks for the replies–this will go on our tour question list next time around! </p>
<p>Exeter doesn’t have as many restrictions. In fact, next year they’ll be allowing 24-7 internet access, recognizing that smartphones give many kids that kind of access anyway. In general, I don’t notice kids choosing texting/calling over greeting others on the paths–it all seems pretty chatty and social. My kid makes quick phone calls home when no one else happens to be around (because, for example, no one else in his dorm happens to be walking to the same activity as he is). There’s room for both I’m guessing in an average day. </p>
<p>Whether it’s study time or hanging out with friend time or roommate bed time, it seems there’s almost always going to be something that makes that time to call home less than ideal. But it’s good to hear all the different options… so the kids can choose what works best for them on any given day without squelching the impulse to call with a “Shouldn’t you be …?”</p>