<p>My mom expects me to live at home for college and commute an hour everyday, even though she doesn't want to me to drive or have a car when I turn 16. I am the oldest and I think my mom is having trouble parenting me, especially since her childhood was a little wacky and not typical and I am the oldest, with two siblings much younger than me. I really feel like college is about new people, experiences, and opportunities. I actually would like to apply to colleges in New England, which is really far away from where I am. What really makes me mad is that when I try to talk to my mom about it, she totally patronizes me and says that I will understand when I get a little older. I'm 15 years old and I can think for myself. I don't like to party and I'm a good kid with excellent grades and I don't understand why my parents don't trust me. I have this amazing opportunity to study overseas for a few weeks and stay with a really close friend and her family about a year from now. I know it would look really good on my college application and make me look really diverse and cultural but my mom refuses to even consider letting me go and is SO controlling about it. I really want to cry and this is stressing me out so much. I need to live my life and take opportunities that are presented to me, and my mom isn't letting me do that even though she expects me to get into a prestigious college. I don't know what to do. I feel like she is dictating my life. She legit wants me to live at home during college, commute to a school am hour away, and my dad works in the same city as the college. She has even tried to get me to change what I want my major to be to a subject I'm REALLY bad at just because SHE thinks it's interesting!! Also she wants me to work at the same place as my dad. And I actually hate the city and campus of the college my mom wants me to go to and she says I'm being picky and petty and the campus doesn't matter. Her attitude makes me want to plow through three more years, then completely cut off communication when I turn 18, but I could never do that because the rest of my family is sane. I don't know what to do or say, and I've tried to talk to her about it and she just gets angry and thinks I'm trying to "get away from her" or thinks I'm trying to hurt her feelings,when really, my choice has NOTHING to do with her. I'd love to hear how this sounds to someone with a different perspective, and advice would be greatly appreciated.</p>
<p>At this point in your life, your mom holds all the cards. In return, you get free room and board, along with many free services you will not appreciate until you are providing them for yourself. Don’t fight your mom on these issues. It will only make it worse. Put your energy into getting the best grades and scores you possibly can, and get involved in your school and community in ways that are meaningful to you. This will position you for the best possible college and scholarship options. You may even be able to pay for college on your own, if you are willing to compromise on some things, like prestige. Until and unless you can pay your own way, mom is in charge. It’s as simple as that.</p>
<p>I’m sorry. This sounds incredibly frustrating. What does your father have to say about all this?</p>
<p>Maybe the truth is your family can’t afford to send you away to school. Have you had that conversation with them?</p>
<p>I am sorry that you have to deal with this. Have you spoken to your father? Is there another family member that you can discuss this with?</p>
<p>For now, just work on getting the best grades and ECs you can. I think your best bet is just waiting a few years to see what happens. Your mom might be more open when it comes closer to actually applying. Give her some time. Arguing with her now is probably going to make her more upset, and you don’t want that.</p>
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Every 15 year old says that, and most really have a long way to go maturity-wise. I’m not saying that this necessarily applies to you since I don’t personally know you, but it applies to many.</p>
<p>How many years away is college? I’m assuming 3. I’m sorry you feel suffocated at the moment, but a lot can happen in the time between now and your college acceptances. </p>
<p>Why it ask about visiting a therapist to help,you deal with all the stress? You can’t change your mom, only your reaction to her. At 15, you may need a little guidance in how to do so.</p>
<p>No matter what you do, you’re going to need your mom’s approval about your college choices, unless you don’t go to college or you join the military at 18.</p>
<p>You will need your parents to help pay for college and you’ll need them to fill out the aid paperwork.</p>
<p>First, you need to ask your parents how much they’ll spend on college. If they say that they’ll only pay for the tuition at the school that you can commute to, then at least you’ll know that.</p>
<p>For instance, if they say that they’ll pay $8k per year for the local state school, then ask them if it’s ok for you to see if you can get aid/merit for another school as long as their contribution only has to be $8k.</p>
<p>OP, I do sympathize with you, because as others have pointed out, unfortunately, your parents call the tune as far as what college you go to if they are paying your way. However, it really saddens me that some parents want to control even what their kids study, because YOU are the one who will be working on a career, not your parents. My ex-husband’s father refused to pay for a certain major he wanted, and their relationship was never the same after that. </p>
<p>Sadly, you are one of many kids who come on this board begging for the help with the same problem. I would do several things: 1) keep your grades up so that merit scholarships might be an option once you go to college and look into the list of automatic merit aid schools elsewhere on this board (thought it is not complete-there are others out there). 2) Talk to your guidance/college and career person at school to map out some options that would fit with your intended career goals 3)keep the lines of communication open with your parents. I know there are some cultural issues in some families where the parents are right and the kids must always listen, but at least try to keep them aware of your hard work and your plans for the future-they might come around. 4)Look into graduating early if it becomes too much of a problem at home. Even if you have to go to the local school and commute (assuming they let you drive and do not drive you there and back), you will have more time out of the house, and time to pursue your own goals until they finally let you leave. 5)Keep in mind that the age of majority is 18-once you are 18, they can’t MAKE you do anything. However, that might mean you have to put your education on hold until you can afford it yourself-and that’s really risky. That’s why I suggest continuing to work with them if you can.</p>
<p>Having watched my ex go through life sad that he and his father were not close and have him do the same thing to our daughter, I shake my head at parents who think controlling a child like this is a good idea. But I wish you well and hope you work out a compromise with your folks.</p>
<p>I would really try to stop stressing about this. You’re 15. College is three years away. Most kids I know haven’t even discussed with their parents where they want to go to college by age 15. And a lot can change in 2 or 3 years. Concentrate on getting the best grades and test scores you can. The better your stats, the better your chances for merit aid, which may provide you with more options. It may not be that your mom doesn’t want you to go away - it might be that she knows the family will only be able to afford commuting to a local college. Or it may be that you seem so young to her now that she can’t comprehend you leaving for a distant college. Heck, in 3 years she may be ready to drive you there herself, speeding all the way. As for the study abroad opportunity - that’s a year away, too. And I know a LOT of parents who wouldn’t let a 15 or 16 year old go overseas with another family. And again, maybe finances come into play.</p>
<p>The fact is, parents have a lot of control over 15 years olds, and most exercise it. When you’re 18, or at least when you’re self supporting, you can control your life. I suspect you’ll see the control gradually lifting as you approach adulthood, especially if you prove yourself trustworthy. Keep getting good grades and making good decisions. And go ahead and quietly research the colleges you’re interested in. There’s no need to involve your mom in that research or argue about it with her right now. Bide your time, grow up some more and let her see that you’ve grown. Maybe you can enlist your father to help you make your case in a couple years.</p>
<p>^^And along with researching colleges (and financial aid) be sure and check with guidance department about seminars and presentations they have for kids going to college. At our HS they were aimed at jr and sr students/parents, but if you feel your parents are disconnected from process, maybe could get them to attend next year to get a feel for college issues. I know you are venting here, but be sure any conversations you have with parents are without the teen angst “no one understands me” vibe. That only reinforces immaturity in the eyes of your parents.</p>
<p>To the OP, cut your Mom some slack. It’s sometimes hard for us parents to cut the apron strings but every time you prove yourself to be responsible, you make it easier for us to let you go. Once I saw my daughter was able to take care of herself at a camp several states away it made it seem reasonable for her to go to college that far away. </p>
<p>Before you talk to your Mom (and Dad?) make sure you have all your facts straight. Don’t bring up something important when she’s stressed. And when you reply here, please use paragraphs.</p>
<p>*I need to live my life and take opportunities that are presented to me, and my mom isn’t letting me do that
*</p>
<p>If you think that because you’re 15 years old you can “think for myself”, then surely you’ve figured out that in order to “live my life” and “take opportunities presented to me,” then that means that you’re PAYING for these privileges. You don’t get to “call the shots” on someone else’s dime. That’s why your parents don’t answer to you; you have to answer to them. It’s their money.</p>
<p>However, if you want to join the military or get a complete free ride merit scholarship somewhere, then your parents’ money and their financial info won’t be needed.</p>
<p>*
even though she expects me to get into a prestigious college*</p>
<p>??? This makes no sense unless the “prestigious college” is the one that you can commute to. Can you clarify? Why does she want you to get into a prestigous college if she wants you to commute locally?</p>
<p>Why must who controls the money determine the dynamics of a relationship? Surely a family dynamic isn’t so shallow.</p>
<p>“I’m 15 years old and I can think for myself”</p>
<p>This definitely needs proof…
A. It’s 3 years away (No way your relationship with your parents will remain the same next 3 years, at that age I always had quarrels with them about being late, now they’re letting me go 5000 miles away for college)
So don’t rush, don’t wage war, you have more than enough time to prove your point and I suggest you do it with your actions, rather than words (Because just saying “I need to take opportunities” or “I want to major in XYZ” is quite unconvincing, at that age even more so… You want XYZ? Cool, do XYZ related projects, reading etc.)</p>
<p>IF you feel like you HAVE TO get a green light on attending a college in New England in 3 years right now, than firstly - wow 
And secondly, make your case! It’s really simple to say “I wanna study there”, but if you want to be taken seriously, think it through…
Provide statistics, data, reviews hence… Everything that makes you want to go there!</p>
<p>You feel like your mother listens to nothing, you even go as far as saying you’d cut her off if not for the rest of the family and that is surely one of the major issues as to why it’s hard to have a conversation and why she feels like you’re trying to run away. </p>
<p>Have an answer for her every question, be reasonable and most likely, you’ll be able to reason with her!</p>
<p>Why must who controls the money determine the dynamics of a relationship? Surely a family dynamic isn’t so shallow.</p>
<p>I don’t think that’s what anyone is saying. The “dynamics of the relationship” isn’t the issue. </p>
<p>However, the person who controls the money does get the final say as to where that money gets spent. </p>
<p>What do you mean? do you not understand that?</p>
<p>stressedouttt-I thought you were the one on another thread saying that parents should get the final say because they’re almost always right. </p>
<p>The fact is that parents, right or wrong, wield a tremendous amount of power. When they’re wrong, it can be life-altering, and not in a good way. And money often plays into the dynamic-see the post above mine-who has the money, gets final say.</p>
<p>Now, I’d like to think that who has the money lets the child/student have a LOT of input on where they get sent and what they study, but I know that’s not often true. Parent can and do put all sorts of rules around what they’ll pay for and what their kids must do. It’s not always for the best, but unless a student wants to be homeless, they have to do what they’re told to some extent or lose their education.</p>
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If this was indeed how I phrased it, I phrased it very poorly. What I was arguing in that thread was that parents tend to be (often, though not always) the most qualified people to make decisions or to decide whether the child is ready to make the decisions on their own. Not because parents are almost always right.</p>
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No, I didn’t understand this at first. Thank you for clarifying :)</p>
<p>Perhaps it was (is) me that is misunderstanding. But I see it as the same thing. In the US, a person who is 18 can legally make decisions about their own life, whether or not parents are “most qualified” or whether they think their kids are “ready”. And on the other thread I added that parents are sometimes NOT the “most qualified” to make life-altering decisions on their kids’ decisions about how they will spend their lives. </p>
<p>There are threads on CC almost weekly by HS and colleges students DESPERATE for help because their parents want to control their choice of major, career, job, etc. and there are also threads by parents trying to figure out how to force their kids to go to certain schools, choose the “right” major, and so on. Both are part of the same vicious circle of over-control. </p>
<p>A parent my THINK s/he knows best and dangle money/housing/school over a kid’s head, but if the student wants to follow a different path and isn’t getting any input, that’s a sure way to build and maintain years of resentment. I’m now watching it play out in a second generation and I haven’t seen it play out well yet.</p>
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True, but, to be honest, it’s not something I agree with. Besides, the age for many things used to be 21 (I’m not sure if being a legal adult is included in this though), but kids who were drafted at 18 demanded that, if they could get drafted, they should be able to do much more as well. </p>
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This is true, but for the most part, they are.
The problem is that you could solve this problem by making the child a legal adult at 18, but then the problem with that is that there are many immature 18 year olds, and most of the time (though not always) the parents do have the best understanding of the child’s maturity.
If there must be an age where the child is able to legally be free in the case of highly erring parents, then I would argue that it should at least be higher than 18.</p>
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I don’t at all approve at all of a parent blackmailing a child. It’s a horrible thing to do. But if it’s a case of parents not wanting to invest in something they think will turn into a failure, things get murkier. It is, as pointed out in this thread, their money. It’s a tricky situation.</p>