Coping with results of friends and classmates

<p>I have some advice for what to say if your friend is rejected by a college. Say, “That stinks. They must be nuts to reject you.”
Don’t try to figure out why they rejected your friend (i.e., stats were too low, bad interview, etc.). Insist that the school must be stupid or crazy.</p>

<p>As for what to do if a school rejects you, my advice is to do what Jesus told his disciples to do if they were rejected:

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<p>great advice Hunt</p>

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<p>Hmmm, how common is it for students to fail to pick a safety that is truly a safety that they like?</p>

<p>I do remember in high school many years ago that there were some students who applied to just one university (which was a safety in both academic and cost terms for them), got in, and attended.</p>

<p>^^ Yes! And - state flagship which is now very hard to get into and has Dec. 1 cut-off was fall back to apply after hearing from other schools. There was a very bumpy transition with local giant U when that shifted. It had been rolling and kids were waiting to apply until after other decisions. Now the honors program is the target/reach for many with extra essays etc.</p>

<p>“I sometimes have a hard time with a jerk getting something they dont deserve. its part of our nature to want things to be fair, and for good to win out.”</p>

<p>-it is part of growing up. Just as we train ourselves in other aspects of life, we can train ourself to accept circumstances beyond our control. people who truly do not deserve what they get, will loose it eventually on their own, no outside help is needed. Positive thinking DOES work, and as far as I know (being much older than most here), thinking positively (after awhile, it becomes a habit) is the only way to get ahead. take advantage of ANY situation that at first appear to be negative, turn it around to be a great opportunity.</p>

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<p>I would have not indulged my kids in hearing the details of their “righteous indignation,” and would have told them that they don’t know all the details behind the scenes of either applicant, and it’s a huge waste of their time to try to speculate who was “superior” or “inferior” or who “deserved” admittance here and who didn’t. It’s a big family principle of ours not to focus on how other people live their lives, but just to keep our heads down and focus on the things within our own control. I would advise them to have no other reaction other than “congratulations” to kids who got in, and “sorry, but it’s their loss” to kids who didn’t. Sorry, this just falls under something that I think it is a parent’s job not to indulge this kind of thing in their kids.</p>

<p>^^I’m glad that works for you, but I think there is a middle ground. By shutting off this type of discussion, I think you are telling your child that this emotion is not a valid one, and I guess I believe that it is. It’s natural and OK to feel as though someone has been “wronged” and to be upset about it. I agree that it’s important that kids understand that they should focus on what they can control, and that they may not be privy to all information. But to shut off this type of discussion is a mistake, IMO.</p>

<p>Very much like Miamidaps post (45), “righteous indignation” is something best to outgrow. I try to model a more restrained response, although I admit - I sometimes get caught up too.
We are all a work in progress.</p>

<p>I agree with suzy - there is a middle ground. I validated my daugters feelings, I did not indulge them. After a 5 minute conversation she moved on to homework, and I moved on to making dinner. </p>

<p>I do believe she is entitled to her opinion on the quality of various applicants, after all she knows what it is like to be in class with each of them. Not that her opinion counts in the admissions game. She knows that too. I think it is perfectly legitimate and natural to be upset at a friend’s dissapointment. A little fit of righteous indignation gets the emotion out and lets them move on.</p>

<p>Agreeing with Suzy100. The kids’ emotions are valid, and being able to empathize with others is not something I would like kept in house. It may not be in her control to help the situation, but other inequities will. Without thosewho are concerned with others, we would not be able to change the world in big and small ways. Your rightous indignation could be my call to action.</p>

<p>We have a very small private school in our area that has a “Wall of Shame” on the senior hall. All the seniors excitedly post their rejection letters on this wall. I am told the purpose is it take the sting out of the rejection, after all the wall is jam packed full letters, and to remind the students to put the rejection into perspective. A novel approach. (And gutsy!!)</p>

<p>I think that one of the key features that makes that decision moment so loaded is that it’s the first real, tangible splitting off of one “life path” from another in a kids’s life. Up until that point, all directions are theoretically possible. After that point, wherever life takes them and even if it’s to some equally good or better place, or the same career path that they’d envisioned - life will be different than had they gotten in to “dream school”. With the vanishingly low transfer acceptance rate at most of those school, that option is effectively closed forever. In our case, D might very well be happier at schools 2 or 3. She will likely thrive. She will get a great education. Still, she will never be in the Stanford Band. (I haven’t asked, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that was her first real emotion about being denied.) She will have a different network at whatever school than she would have there. She will never have that particular sunny lifestyle in that place. Again, it’s not that it’s better necessarily, it’s just the real loss of life possibilities. Of course, new possibilities also open up, but the permanence past that point of divergence is real. I don’t think that it’s wrong or pouty for kids to have a moment to mourn that loss before moving on down the other road to see where it takes them. I imagine that with a lot of kids that emotional connection that they had to foster to write good essays is hard to break. Somewhere out there, I’m sure, are a lot of kids who will never watch a Duke basketball game in quite the same way.</p>

<p>I agree very much with what saintfan just wrote, and I can tell you that those feelings may be intensified for the whole family if it’s a legacy situation.</p>

<p>Saintfan- it could not have been said any better! Thank you!!</p>

<p>I didn’t say that students shouldn’t be able to empathize with the hurt feelings of friends who haven’t gotten into their schools of choice. Of course offering sympathy and support and kind words to disappointed friends is a Good Thing. What I was referring to is showing the righteous indignation over the supposedly less-qualified person who got in over your disappointed friend. That’s the part I would discourage.</p>

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I guess for me it depends on the context–if my kid was complaining that a kid got in just because he was a minority, then I would deliver a big sermon. On the other hand, if we learn that the kid who was the ringleader of a major cheating scandal nevertheless was admitted to selective school, then I would share in the indignation. I would add that sometimes kids have a stronger sense of outrage over injustice that adults who may have been worn down by the sad reality of the world. I’m not sure that youthful idealism should be discouraged.</p>

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<p>Depending on the individual cases…righteous indignation over a supposedly less qualified person getting in is justified…especially if it is clear that individual used what many would consider to be unethical means to get it. </p>

<p>One classmate in my graduating class obliviously bragged about checking/self-portrayal as “African-American” on college apps and despite having lackluster stats for the HYPS schools…got admitted to all of them. </p>

<p>This caused some anger among many of us…especially among actual African-American classmates as said student was really South Asian…but made the claim because student’s family spent some time in Africa before coming to the US. </p>

<p>This issue is one reason why many in my class have nothing, but contempt for this classmate and some have even vowed to ensure said student is never hired to work for their companies if/when they are placed in positions to influence hiring decisions because of such perceived lapse of ethical behavior.</p>

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<p>^saintfan, well said (#52)! Can my S13 & S14 steal this for their college essays?</p>

<p>Hunt - your point is well-taken. I wasn’t assuming ringleader of the cheating scandal; I was assuming a more benign situation.</p>

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<p>Oh, good grief. Your high school appears full of people who are really taken with this particular high school, and haven’t ever moved beyond it. Do you <em>really</em> anticipate you are going to run into people you went to high school with years from now such that you need to keep lists of who you will or won’t associate with? Anyway, I say karma works on its own. People who pull nonsense like that will get what’s coming to them, ultimately.</p>