Please Revise My college essay:
Question on the UC Application:
- Academic Preparation
Rationale: The University seeks to enroll students who take initiative in pursuing their education (for example, developing a special interest in science, language or the performing arts; or becoming involved in special programs, including summer enrichment programs, research or academic development programs such as EAOP, MESA, Puente, COSMOS or other similar programs). This question seeks to understand a students motivation and dedication to learning.
Freshman applicants only:
How have you taken advantage of the educational opportunities you have had to prepare for college? 200 words
- Potential to Contribute
Rationale: UC welcomes the contributions each student brings to the campus learning community. This question seeks to determine an applicants academic or creative interests and potential to contribute to the vitality of the University.
Tell us about a talent, experience, contribution or personal quality you will bring to the University of California. 200 Words
- Open-ended
Rationale: This question seeks to give students the opportunity to share important aspects of their schooling or their lives such as their personal circumstances, family experiences and opportunities that were or were not available at their school or college that may not have been sufficiently addressed elsewhere in the application.
Is there anything you would like us to know about you or your academic record that you have not had the opportunity to describe elsewhere in this application? 600 words
<li><pre><code> Furthering education has always been my top priority due to the competitive nature of America. Many of my personal qualities in strength are products of my parents encouragement to advance in my academics.
</code></pre>
Taking Science, Math, English, and History HP and AP classes in high school helped me to acquire more knowledge of my prioritizing and study skills. For several evenings, I gave up my sleeping time to study and discuss important topics with my peers for a major history exam the week before my finals. This resulted to a positive defined grade.
Experiencing college math in my junior year uplifted my horizon by opening up to challenges. Berkeley Math Circle presents sophisticated mathematics for students of interest who commit to attend weekly lectures. Working with others who have similar aspirations, provoked me to become a future scientist. I assisted my classmates by creating easier similar problems to aid a basic understanding of the logic and connected this concept with the actual problems. I have taken pride in my natural leadership qualities within myself.
My life experiences and my parents commitments to broadening my education are driving me to excel. With a good education I can offer to improve and better our world.</li>
<li>My friends passion for music in the fourth grade inspired me to learn how to play the flute. My involvement in many music programs contributed to my music talent. </li>
I took music classes and private lessons in middle school to enhance my talent. Every night for fifteen minutes, I worked on my breathing embouchure, sight reading skills, and gained confidence when we played together in front of a live audience. I continued to have an awakened interest in music.
The Marching band at Skyline High participated in Oakland, Californias Black Cowboy Parade and won first place with the help of practicing music in and outside of class. For instance, the baton leaders gave us military commands and we marched down the streets. Conversely, Orchestra required more practice and effort to play the high notes with rhythm. In my last two years of high school, I took Music Technology and applied the music techniques I learned to create a track on a class CD.
I discovered the meaning of becoming a true musician. I am looking forward to pursue this talent to my college years both for the academic quality and the intellectual competence of the students.
<li> How can martial arts posses a man to be so enthralled with himself? I was 10 years old when my instructor once told me, “Nothing beats a failure but a try.” This quote inspired me to be determined, to believe, and to never give up. Taekwondo has made an influential impact in my life. Ever since I was 8 years old, I would always run around the house imitating the moves of the Ninja Turtles. The powers of these individuals amazed me and I yearned to fight like them in spite of my passive character. With Taekwondo training, however, my recklessness has led to a much more humble spirit. Since the beginning of this training, I have matured physically and mentally, becoming stronger, faster, more agile, and more flexible than I would have been if I had not taken martial arts. My balance of my nutrition as well as my overall health has dramatically improved. My diastolic blood pressure for example decreased by 20 mm Hg due to the constant strenuous exercises.
Physically, Taekwondo is known for its challenging high kicks. To be able to execute these, my strength and flexibility had improved. Before I started Taekwondo, this was mostly a dream. Later, my strength increased, and my physical endurance and flexibility has also improved. Although there is still a need for enhancement, I always push myself to be the best I can be.
The change in my endurance can not be credited to the physical aspects alone. It is also due to the mental and spiritual aspects of how I have changed. Mental changes are changes in confidence, focus, and endurance. In fact, I am now able to talk to people easier with out getting afraid and I am also better at making wise decisions. Focus and endurance is another area where I see an improvement in. Endurance ties in with focus because it is about finishing what you start, or doing your best, and then coming back and making it better.
I present forms in tournaments and so far I win gold. Although it was a challenging training, I handled my performance with a small volume of stress. Due to my introduction speeches made in front of the judges, my communication skills improved.
My main motive is to protect myself and those I care about from anyone who wishes to cause any harm by taking this sport. A peaceful solution to a threatening encounter is almost always the best solution, but there are times when your only choice is to take the risk to stand up to your opponent. Common sense can also help you avoid many dangerous situations. Taekwondo has also greatly increased my peace of mind because I know that I have enough skill to keep those I care about from harm in the majority of the violent crimes that take place in my neighborhood and other countries in the world. There will always be a situation where there is no chance of success, but by increasing my own skills, I have greatly decreased the number of situations that fall under that category.
My dedication to Taekwondo and my self esteem have risen to new heights and soars higher every day. Doing Taekwondo forced me to observe certain aspects of my life and remove the fears that were holding me back from my fullest potential. Every day that I attend class, I face new challenges to triumph over, whether they are physical, mental, or spiritual. Most importantly, I want to continue to dedicate my time to Taekwondo because I want to build upon my strengths.</li>