Hey guys I wrote an SAT essay during my practice test and was wondering if anyone could suggest a score I might get and give me feedback. Also, what is the average score I should give myself if I no one’s corrected it? I usually give myself and 8 on 12.
Prompt: Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power?
Yes, conscience is one of the most powerful forces that drive people to do things that material things cannot. Each person must live with their own conscience, and at the end of the day, a guilty conscience is so horrible that people do a lot to avoid it. Doing the ‘right’ thing would be the best. But some people try to ignore their conscience, which could only lead to bad end results.
Macbeth, by William Shakespeare holds important ideas of morality and lust for power. In the start of the play, Macbeth has the opportunity to kill the king and get a higher status himself. Although he’s very reluctant he finally performs to be because of his wife, Lady Macbeth, who is mesmerised by the power you could attain she goads him into doing it. After he executes him, he gradually becoming a worse man who does increasingly horrible things with his new authority. On the other hand, Lady Macbeth’s conscience slowly devours her from within and she often sleep talk about the blood on her hands she can never wash off. She goes insane and kills herself, while Macbeth is killed in battle and another man steals his throne, a seeming punishment by the fates. The play shows that ignoring one’s conscience for other petty motives can never make one happy in the long run.
For my second example, I take a man who embodies the word ‘morality’ and everything it stands for. Mahatma Gandhi is internationally famous for his honesty his ethics and his fairness. These strong qualities of his develops from the time he was a young boy. When he was in school, Gandhi was said to have spelled the word ‘kettle’ wrong during a test. A teacher came by and offered to cheat and correct his fallacious spelling but he refused. Although the stakes were smaller at childhood, he still gave up the opportunity to gain a better position in his class and took the honest path. It is these myriads of small moral victories that has, in my opinion, made him an unshakeably strong voice of virtue. From this story one can see that making the ethical choice even in small decisions to take the right path over the selfish one can make life better.
From the two examples of Mahatma Gandhi and Macbeth, it is clear that people must follow their moral compasses instead of forgoing their conscience for corrupt reasons like greed for wealth and authority to attain true success in their lives.
I would give you a 3 or a 4 (out of 6), which should translate to ~7 or an 8 (out of 12). Here’s why:
- Don’t begin your response to the prompt with “Yes…” or “No…”. It should never be necessary, since the reader should already be able to tell your position within the first few sentences of the essay. (Your position was obvious, but just starting your essay with “Conscience is the one of the most powerful forces that drive people…” is a much stronger hook.
- Avoid ambiguity. “people do things that material things cannot”. ??
- Your second paragraph is 7 sentences. You spend 6 of them giving background information, and you only give yourself one sentence (the last one) to support your position. Try to avoid spending so much time on your example, and instead flesh out your reasons as to WHY that example is important to strengthen your position. Make the reader think that your position is the right one. To do so, you have to give a convincing explanation, and often times, 1 sentences is not nearly enough. Your second paragraph was the weakest point in this essay.
- Punctuation outside of commas and periods is a great way to supplement your essay with variety. Use them, but use them sparingly.
- Add in a transition to guide your reader from Macbeth to Gandhi. It helps with the flow of your essay, which is so important considering how quickly the SAT graders are reading through. If your essay feels awkward and abrupt (it lacks a transition between the first and second BODY paragraph), then your score will suffer.
- Try to avoid phrases like “for example…” “this example…” “my first example…” “my second example…”. The first sentence of your second body paragraph makes it sound like you’re a performing magician. Begin with a strong and assertive sentence, like “Morality is…” and then present Gandhi and his story.
Here are two things I liked about your writing that showed sophistication in your essay:
- Excellent use of grammar. You have a strong vocab.
- Your examples themselves are fantastic.
Stanucbear Thank you so much for your feedback. Yeah, I’ve noticed that I don’t transition well at all. Can you suggest any transitional phrases or sentences please? Again, thanks a lot, no one’s ever given me such detailed advice. Do you think it’ll help to keep practicing essays in 25 minutes like in a test?
No problem. Phrases like “Just as…”, “Further…”, “Additionally…”, “Moreover…”, “Like…”, “Unlike…”
E.g. “Unlike Macbeth, whose misfortunes illustrate the dangers of not listening to one’s own conscience, Mahatma Gandhi’s unwavering virtue conveys just how powerful conscious awareness can be”. I’m sure that you can think of a better one, but I think that you get the point.
Yes, the more essays you write, and the more feedback you get, the better. Keep in mind that it’s difficult for many people to raise their essay score, so you may have to put in a lot of work. Just don’t neglect other sections of the SAT while you’re working on your essay writing skills!
Ohh ok thanks! It’s just so hard to come up with coherent sentences with the time constraints! xD I take it you’ve already done the SAT? did it take you a lot of practice to get a 12?
Yeah, I’m all done with the SAT. I’m studying for subject tests now. I got an 11 on my June essay, and a mix between 10’s and 11’s on my practice tests (i took an online course so people graded my essays for me). I got an 8 on my first diagnostic test like a year ago, but I think that was just because I had not done any prep for examples and stuff. I did not practice my essays (other than on full practice tests) because I was content with 10’s and 11’s, since I didn’t need a 12 essay for an 800 in writing. Don’t get me wrong though essays can heavily impact your score on the writing portion, so if you’re struggling in that area then you’d better work on it just as you would CR or Math.
Time is the biggest issue for a lot of people, and it really depends on what kind of prompt you get.
shtang: how do you think I could improve?
I agree with Stanucbear. I’d also say that is about an 8 essay.
Your command of language is great, which is what some people struggle most with, so you’re definitely off to a good start. Your examples are also solid- however, while you have explained the examples well, you have neglected to analyze them thoroughly. Don’t leave it up to the reader to figure out why Macbeth demonstrates that conscience is the most powerful motivator, elaborate on it yourself.
While I understand that conscience is more important than petty things like money or fame, your paragraph doesn’t explain to me why its importance makes it a more powerful motivator. In fact, both of the characters you describe are motivated first by the things you deemed petty- so why does this example work? Don’t forget to always come back to the prompt.
You should elaborate on how people cannot find happiness or success when motivated by superficial accessories (like Macbeth), but can when motivated by morality and conscience (like Gandhi). In fact, if you can incorporate that into a thesis statement and include it in your introduction, it will be best- mention your examples in your intro to bring a logical flow to your piece.
Also, don’t say “for my second example.” Try something else, even something simple, like “additionally.” Better yet, connect to your thesis: “While superficial motivation cannot lead individuals to success, moral inspiration given by the conscience vastly improves life. Such is the case of Gandhi, who…”
Shrimps: Thank you so much for your input. I just finished writing a second essay and tried to incorporate it but I’m not sure how well I did. Do you think you could read/grade my essay that I’ve posted? Also, how many lines of explanation after the example do you think I should give?
THis is the link to my second essay: http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/1799665-correct-my-essay-prompt-do-we-put-too-much-emphasis-on-independence.html?new=1
Thanks!