Coud someone please grade my BB 1st ed Test 6 Essay

<p>BB 1st Edition Practice Test 6 Essay</p>

<p>Prompt: There is, of course, no legitimate branch of science that enables us to predict the future accurately. Yet the degree of change in the world is so overwhelming and so promising that the future, I believe, is far brighter than anyone has contemplated since the end of the Second World War.</p>

<p>Assignment: Is the world changing for the better?</p>

<p>Practice Test 6 Essay
The world is definitely changing for the better in many unique manners even though many are not in plain sight. Life as we know it has been changing in exponential leaps over the past few centuries. Only recently, an African American president, President Obama, took up office, and created a historic moment in United States history. In the past few decades, there have been amazing discoveries related to the medically field, especially the advances in the Human Genome Project. The world has always been fluctuating between changing for the good and for the bad, but fortunately this day and age is changing for the good.</p>

<pre><code>In the past, life as an African American had been filled with lack of human rights, slavery, and other unjust double standards. This double standard imposed onto African Americans along with almost every other ethnic group is finally starting lift slowly but surely. The inauguration of President Obama was a huge jump in removing double standards once and for all. Our world, step by step, is changing for the good, and will continue to change for the good as long as people push themselves to succeed at all costs.

In the late 1500s the average recorded lifetime of a person was approximately thirty-two years, and has since changed drastically due to amazing advances in the field of medicine. Medical improvements have been dramatic in the last century due to the amazing technological advances and successful research endeavors. Our lives and our future descendants’ lives will continue to last longer and longer because medical advances are limitless. The Human Genome Project currently underway is apparently going to create another breakthrough in medicine in which gene therapy and other gene-related techniques may be enacted to help cure previously fatal genetic disorders. Medicine has added to the efforts to create a better world in which people may still survive and thrive even after being infected or inheriting a genetic disease.

The world is changing for the better in numerous different ways, many unthinkable, many tangible. President Obama and medical advances only play a minute part in the overall improving world, but they do take a step in the right direction. “There will always be tips and falls, and opposing successes and improvements; the task is not to fix the tips and falls, but rather to double the successes and improvements,” said Joseph Oswara. Clearly shown, the world is indeed changing for the better regardless of minor setbacks.
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<p>I would really appreciate any constructive comments or tips.</p>

<p>the first paragraph is really redundant
“president, President Obama”
“created a historic moment in US history”</p>

<p>parts of it are also really awkward
“many unique manners even though many are not in plain sight”’
“changing in exponential leaps”
“related to the medically field”</p>

<p>from the first paragraph alone, your vocabulary seems very very limited. for example,
“The world has always been fluctuating between changing for the good and for the bad, but fortunately this day and age is changing for the good.” don’t use good and bad when there are 500 other synonyms you could use to impress the grader.</p>

<p>i’m being picky but this bothers me: “filled with lack of” does that make any sense? lol. in paragraph two, you mention a double standard but you only address one of the sides (therefore, it’s just a standard. you’re not comparing the lives of african americans to that of other races.) </p>

<p>"The inauguration of President Obama was a huge jump in removing double standards once and for all. " …removing? and how did his inauguration alone signify this? you’re simply stating and not really proving the point.</p>

<p>“people push themselves to succeed at all costs.” this came out of nowhere</p>

<p>“and has since changed drastically due to amazing advances in the field of medicine. Medical improvements have been dramatic in the last century due to the amazing technological advances and successful research endeavors.”
– “due to amazing advances”
– “due to amazing technological advances”
you say the exact same thing. length is important but fluff is very obvious. you tell me their lives last longer and that these advances are important but nothing more. you should provide more examples like the human genome project, otherwise the paragraph is very weak.</p>

<p>“many unthinkable, many tangible.” doesn’t make sense</p>

<p>“regardless of minor setbacks.” you don’t mention anything so take this out.</p>

<p>SUMMARY IF YOU’RE LAZY:
i don’t know about your grade. i usually don’t grade these because i break it down a lot but all in all, it wasn’t bad. your thesis was clear and you supported it well. work on elaborating on your examples, improving your vocabulary (and using it), and lastly, check your work (if you have time) because parts of it are really redundant/awkwardly written.</p>

<p>8/12.</p>