Could anyone read my common app essay?

Hi, I’m new - I just wrote my first draft for my common app essay (the prompt about overcoming challenges). Could someone look it over and tell me what I could improve on? Thanks!

Edit: I just stumbled upon a thread that talks about not posting your essay because of plagiarism checkers, so I had to take it down. Is there anyone willing to read it and give any feedback if I PM it to them?