could anyone spare 5 minutes of their time to grade this essay ?

prompt : should hero’s be defined as people who say what they think when we ourselves lack the courage to say it ?

Heroes aren’t only people with great physical ability , but also ones who have a corageous , strong , and caring heat. Individuals who are brave enough to express an opinion whether it be their own or one representing a group’s views are ones truly worthy of the title " Hero " .

As a lot of students lack the will to object to unfair treatment because of being scared from rejection , a hero needs to step up and fight for their rights , as demonstrated by the student council president Jack in the novel " A Prison of Four Walls " when he stands up for his classmate Peter who was given a “C” on his essay for supporting an idea different than of his teacher . If Jack didn’t have the courage to defend his friend’s case , this mistreatment would’ve gone on for the rest of the year which is why Jack’s action should be labled as " heroism " .

Another example which demonstrates the heroism present in those who are brave enough to say what they think is shown in the movie " One Piece " where Ussap had a fight with his teamates after which he decided to go his own seperate path . Ussap then collects all the courage he can muster to appologize to them when they next meet . Ussap’s actions taught his town’s people that one has to admit it when he or she is mistaken even if it would cause his or her embaressment , and therefore taught them a lesson of bravery and friendship , becoming a role model to a lot of the children living in town , their hero .

In conclusion , heros don’t have to be celebraties or body builders ; they just have to contain the courage to speak out and help themselves and others .
END

i wrote this essay in exactly 25 min and i didn’t have time to revise it . this is the essay copied exactly the same , including all the mistakes . any comments and tips would be really apreciated . thanks in advance :slight_smile: .

I’d give it a 6/12. I’d prefer to see a thesis that is more responsive to the prompt, better word choices and grammar and, most importantly, stronger arguments in support of the thesis.

Thanks a lot for your feedback CHD2013 ! I have an extensive background on neither history nor literature which makes my supportive examples quite weak . I have weak vocabulary as well and no time to memorise a lot by october 3 .Would u mind pointing out the places where my grammar was wrong ? Thanks again . I appreciate your giving me your opinion .

You’re not going to improve your grammar by Saturday, so I’d suggest focusing on your arguments. Read some good essays and get a sense for how its done - the college board has plenty if you can’t find others. Then memorize some info that will apply to many prompts. For example, are A Prison of Four Walls and One Piece real? If they are, memorize some more facts that seem to support multiple arguments. If not, review any literature or movie that you know well. Make a list of a dozen points that might apply to many prompts and memorize it. Try a few more practice essays. Go into the test with a positive attitude and do the best you can. Good luck.

i made the first one up and the second one has some truth to it . so they were that bad huh … thanks again , and if i end up doing December’s test would u mind checking my future essays :slight_smile:

np