Could someone grade my essay please, thanks :)

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Thank you everybody. This was my first time ever writing an essay for SAT and I took 15 minutes.</p>

<p>Prompt - Do society's rules limit our decisions such that our choices are not freely made?</p>

<p>Essay - Ideally, society should not have any influences on our choices, our lifestyle and the way we think. However society has a greater than expected influence on all of the above. We often make our choices based on what the people generally are doing. We dress the way others are dressing to fit in, we do not express ourselves in the way we wish to. All this leads to our thinking methodology being curbed. This may be for our benefit, but it is not what we are thinking about.</p>

<p>One literary piece showing society's objection towards other people's choices and actions is "Romeo and Juliet" by William Shakespeare. In the play, society deems it wrong for Montagues and Capulets to have any type of relationship. Despite the probles society causes, Romeo and Juliet profess their love for each other and decide to elope. In the end, the play ends with the star-struck lovers dead. This would not have happened if society could have accepted the fact that people have the right to think differently from the consensus and allow them to live like they wish to, as long as there is no harm to society.</p>

<p>A real world example pertaining to society's influence on people's personal choice is the debate about legalizing same-sex marriage around the world. An adult is provided complete control over his personal actions and the repurcussions it may lead to. An adult should be given the freedom to choose whom he/she wishes to spend their life with. Society should not try to interfere in personal affairs just because they represent a large number of people.</p>

<p>Society has managed to influence every facet of life nowadays. We try as hard as we can to ensure that we remain in the good books of society. We do not try to show ourselves by our own thoughts and actions, instead living lives just to please others. Society should not be a factor when making choices or performing any action, as long as our actions have no negative repurcussions on other people uninvolved in our lives. Our actions represent who we are, and they should not be affected by anyone but ourselves.</p>

<p>Thanks a lot whoever reads it. Please give me advice on how to improve.</p>

2

<p>first off it’s not bad for your first essay, however i cannot lie and say there is no room for improvement. the flaws i see are:
writing in passive voice
bad example for number 2, it may offend the reader…which could land you a bad grade
wordiness
length, they really expect 5 paragraphs and 3 examples for a 6
thesis could use some work
i suggest you use the formula i use</p>

<p>opening sentence= stand on prompt
sentence 2= rephrase prompt in a different way
sentence 3= thesis
sentence 4= description of example 1
sentence 5= I always start this sentence with “Likewise,” description of example 2</p>

<p>transition to example 1
description of topic in 2 sentences
tie back to thesis 2 sentences</p>

<p>same for example 2 and 3</p>

<p>conclusion
reaffirm stand
restate thesis in different words
leave the reader with some “food for thought” with the last sentence i almost always use a semicolon here with however or furthermore.</p>

<p>i took a lot of time to type this so i hope you value it.lol but overall i’d say your at the 4 range. most likely a 7-8 by 2 graders. use the extra 10 minutes for an extra example</p>

3

<p>Wow, Thanks for such a detailed review</p>

4

<p>Never ever talk about something as controversial as same sex marriage.</p>

5

<p>No problem, I didn’t want to offend you though or seem so harsh it did take a few minutes for that though lol so i hope you got something out of it</p>

6

<p>can someone grade my essay too? any replies would be appreciated :)</p>

<p>Prompt: Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power?</p>

<p>Although the prospect of riches and fame are the driving force for some people, ultimately, it is conscience that is more compelling and more motivating. Conscience is definitely more powerful than money, fame, or power.</p>

<p>In Harper Lee’s classic novel, To Kill a Mockingbird, Atticus Finch is a lawyer in a small town in the deep South during the 1930s. He is extremely well-educated compared to everyone in the town, and could have earned double the money if he had chosen to work in a city. However, he remains in the South for the comfort of his two children and to invoke racial equality from its roots.</p>

<p>He chooses to defend Tom Robinson, a black man wrongly accused of rape. He is aware of the fact that he will be shunned by most of the people in the town by choosing to do so, and that he will most likely lose the case because the jury will be prejudiced. However, he assiduously prepares, and delivers a powerful case that shakes the entire town. Atticus chooses to stay as a small-town lawyer and decides to defend a black man because he knows that racial injustice is wrong, and he seeks to change this.</p>

<p>The Civil Rights Movement is another prime example of conscience trumphing money or power. Millions of black Americans chose to participate in sit-ins and protests, with the sole purpose of racial equality. They were not looking for fame; they were looking for rights and freedom.</p>

<p>Martin Luther King decided to take on the heavy responsibility of a leader. He led peaceful protests with the knowledge that there were people who were against his views. Rosa Parks sat on the “white side” of the bus, knowing that she would be punished for defying the law. The Little Rock Nine marched into a school where no blacks have previously gone before, with the threat of hate mail and glaring eyes. These people all advocated for their freedoms because they know that what they’re doing is right and will benefit the entire black community for centuries to come.</p>

<p>As shown by examples from To Kill a Mockingbird and the Civil Rights Movement, conscience is indeed, a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power.</p>

7

<p>i would give it a 7 or 8, your style is decent, however your examples are hackneyed. furthermore, you divided each example paragraph into two, and only the second paragraph was really drawn back into your thesis. The length of your essays, along with overused bland examples really hurt you, as I feel you are a decent writer. I suggest researching some universal topics that aren’t bland to fix that. You have the potential to get a 12, trust me, my writing was nearly identical to yours before practicing. You also leave the conclusion open, which hurts you. There was no food for thought. On the contrary, your vocabulary is quite good. Assiduously, triumphing, and advocated are strong verbs/adverbs that really help support your argument. Try to squeeze another example in there, tie them back to your thesis, and write a stronger conclusion and you will have a 12.</p>

8

<p>thanks so much! that was super helpful and I’ll take your advice into consideration as I take the Nov SAT on Saturday!</p>