Could someone please critique my essay?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Hi, I'm returning to this site after a while. I started my SAT Prep about two weeks ago, and I'm a sophomore. I was just wondering if anyone could please grade/critique this essay (and give me a score of some sort) so that I know if I am headed in the right path. I'm totally open to any comments! Thanks!</p>

<p>Assignment:</p>

<p>People are taught that they should not go back on their decisions. In fact our society supports the notion that to change your mind is evidence of weakness and unreliability, leading many people to say, "Once I decide, I decide!" But why do people make such a statement? If factors, feelings, and ideas change, isn't the ability to make a new decision evidence of flexibility, adaptability, and strength?</p>

<p>Adapted from Theodore I. Rubin, Compassion and Self-Hate</p>

<p>Should people change their decisions when circumstances change, or is it best for them to stick with their original decisions? Plan and write and essay..........(you know the rest)</p>

<p>Essay:</p>

<pre><code> Society has always supported the incorrect notion that changing one's mind exposes one's weakness and unreliability. Rather, people should change their minds dynamically in lieu of the situation. The ability to make a new decision is evidence of flexibility, adaptability and strength. Several classical literary works exemplify this thesis.

Take for instance The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald. In this story, a young soldier named Jay Gatsby and a woman named Daisy Fay fall in love. Due to difference in social status and Gatsby's military commitment, the two are unable to marry. Many years later, Gatsby, who is significantly more wealthy, has the opportunity to meet Fay. Fay decides to divorce her husband and marry Gatsby because she truly loves him. However, upon learning that Gatsby became a mobster in order to gain wealth, Fay changes her mind and stays with her husband instead. If Fay had not changed her mind, her name would be tarnished for the rest of her life.

Another example can be observed in Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain. Huck, a white boy, and a Negro named Jim escape their miserable lives in the South by traveling the the Northern, more opportune states. Initially, Hick only cares about his own welfare- his main goal is to escape the wrath of his abusive father. However, Huck's mindset is changed when Jim is captured and as a runaway slave. Instead of continuing to the Northern states, Huck changes his mind and travels back to the South to rescue Jim from his captors. Huck's change of mind clearly exemplify the traits of courage and flexibility.

The same phenomenon can be observed in the novel To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee. Atticus Finch, a white lawyer is an erudite, well respected individual in town. Although Atticus is far from partisan in his professional life, he only accepts white men as clients in order to maintain his dignity in the town. When a black man named Tom Robinson is wrongly accused of his crime, Atticu chages his mind in regards to his policy and agrees to defend Robinson in court. Instead of losing his dignity in the eyes of the townspeople, he became a much more respected individual as a result of his change.

To conclude, changing one's mind is not a sign of instability in one's persona. In fact, it is an ability found in effective individuals that promotes traits such as courage, flexibility, strength, and adaptability. Society has truly wronged this great notion.
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2

<p>I don’t know specifically about what the SAT graders want test-takers to write about. But I’ll give you some of my comments anyway:
-your starting sentence basically copies the prompt. Try and think of some sort of hook to draw the reader in.<br>
-You were way to explicit, imo. Especially the line “several literary works exemplify this thesis.” It just makes the essay really dry.<br>
-Your evidence is bad, in my opinion. I don’t think three novels prove anything. I could probably find three novels that support the opposite conclusion. Rather, if you want to use fictional novels as evidence, maybe have a second to last paragraph that starts like “And some of the West’s greatest authors have agreed with the notion about change as well,” ensuing to give each novel you reference a couple lines or so, which don’t include much plot outline (btw, No one refers to Daisy Fay as Fay. They refer to her as Daisy. In fact, your use of just Fay kind of threw me off).<br>
-You have little to no analysis. Your analysis, from what I see, consists of one-sentence at the end of each paragraph. THIS IS NOT ENOUGH. You need to relate each piece of evidence back to your thesis, and much more than one sentence is needed to do this.<br>
-Have some cultural, scientific, or any other form of evidence. Do you have any personal anecdotes? Do you know any studies that have dealt with adabtability? Could you bring in any other form of evidence than just fictional texts? One example I’d use is natural selection, where populations “adapt” to their environment, which is beneficial. Another example I’d use is the complex “trial and error” method of protein folding if I were to follow down that sciency path. You could also bring up famous people (or your parents, or anyone for that matter) who have changed careers.<br>
-Your conclusion is simply a restatement of the intro. Go farther with your argument. What I would do to make an original point is conclude that, in actuality, those who don’t change are weak, as they aren’t strong enough to be introspective or take risks. Coming to that conclusion would make your argument much stronger, in my opinion. Not only would you refute the notion that change is evidence of weakness, but you would pile onto that conclusion that not-changing is in fact evidence of weakness (which may deserve a body paragraph of support, or maybe not).<br>
-As it stands, your work is a cookie-cutter 5-paragraph essay. This is very mundane, even if you have interesting points within your essay. Some ways to vary the structure would be a prolonged introduction, more or less body paragraphs, or a prolonged conclusion (going back to the last point) where you bring up another point. Don’t write your essay to be 5 paragraphs with an intro and conclusion and 3 body paragraphs. Write your essay to be a logical argument, whatever structure that begets (this takes some practice to succesfully do this consistently, but it’s not that hard)</p>

<p>I don’t believe in marks for writing, but if you wrote this for the AP language essay prompt I’d say you’d be looking at a 4-5 out of 9 (I looked at the rubric).</p>

3

<p>I would say at least a 10. You might get an 11 or a 12, cause I wrote some garbage that I didn’t really link back to my thesis for my SAT essay and still got a 10, so you might fare better.</p>

<p>3 examples from literature, 2 pages, good grammar – that fits the criteria for a good score</p>

4

<p>For a sophomore, this represents a very good start! Your essays will ALWAYS get better as you get older and gather more examples by living life. :)</p>

<p>NOTE: I hope this doesn’t seem to harsh or anything…</p>

<p>The good:

  • Huck Finn is a good example of someone who changed his mind. However, don’t called Jim a “Negro.” It’s considered racist.
  • You did go in depth with your examples.
  • You did have a thesis.
  • Good organization</p>

<p>The stuff you could work on:

  • Examples–this prompt lends itself EXTREMELY well to current events–Obama’s stance on Iran, Lieberman’s party switch–and history–Malcolm X’s radical to consertative switch–social/personal stories–people changing their minds, the recent election, etc.<br>
    -Atticus Finch always supported African American rights. Although the SAT graders aren’t looking for accuracy, this would jar them. There are better examples.
    -Analysis: Focus on HOW, WHY and SO WHAT
  • HOW, WHY, and SO WHAT: How does Huck Finn represent the good in changing your mind? Why is this a good example? **So what–**why the bleep do I care? How does the fact that Huck Finn is able to change is mind and adapt make him a better or worse person?
  • Conclusion paragraph: “In conclusion”= no. For a basic conclusion paragraph, restate your thesis, briefly summarize your arguments, and end with a bang/pow statement. </p>

<p>Some points you could have addressed:

  • Does it matter if someone chances their views with a bad reason? In 1984, Winston changes his mind (I’m leaving out the spoiler). Does this represent flexibility?
  • What if someone changes their views to a “bad” view? Many poor southeners decided segregation was a good thing during Reconstruction–does this still represent flexibility? </p>

<p>Overall score: 3/6
You have two graders, so this would either be a 5, 6, or 7.
Basically, a 4, 5, and 6 have something “extra” (from a small amount to large), scores of a 2 and 1 are missing stuff.</p>