could someone please crtique my essays?

<p>so i applied to 7 american universities this year and got unanimously rejected by all of them. i was hoping to try agian maybe as a tranfer student or perhaps after taking a gap year. these were the essays that i wrote and i was wondering if someone could tell me what they think of them. see the thing is that if i do end up applying again i want to know where i went wrong this first time.</p>

<p>My Stats are:
SAT I: 2200 (CR: 740, Math: 700, W: 760)
SAT II: 720 (Lit), 720 (Math II)
O'Levels: 8 A's and 2B's
AS: 3 A's and a B</p>

<p>I'm an international student and also asked for a ton of aid (like around 80%). I'd really appreciate any help i can get.</p>

<p>I’d gladly read them if you PM me.</p>

<p>ill read them too…just pm me over</p>

<p>I will read it. pm me</p>

<p>Common App Essay</p>

<p>I wake up with a start. The alarm continues to blare noisily in my ear. As I roll over to shut it off I wonder to myself: “Why am I doing this?” It is 6:30 in the morning and in less than two hours I have to leave the house for another grueling day at the Beaconhouse School Margalla Campus where the second largest Model United Nations (MUN) conference of the country is taking place.</p>

<p>I’m both physically and mentally exhausted. For the past two days I have been debating with other students from all over Pakistan trying to convince them that my viewpoint is the one which they should support. Strictly speaking it is not really my viewpoint but that of the personality I am representing that counts. Since my committee is a simulation of the Round Table Conference’s where the issue of a separate Muslim homeland is being discussed and the personality I am representing is Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi, needless to say the past two days have not been easy for me. As Gandhi I have to argue in favor of keeping India together as a single nation and vehemently oppose the idea of a separate Muslim state. Expressing this viewpoint, which as a young Pakistani I have been hardwired to be opposed to since childhood and arguing against peers whose opinions I instinctively share, is difficult. The fact that the other students who are supposed to be representing my bloc are missing in action does not help the situation. I have no support. I am isolated. The odds are definitely not in my favor. </p>

<p>Being a permanent member of the school MUN team is both an honor and a privilege but it is a position which comes with a great deal of responsibility attached to it. Being a debater is not an easy deal. You have to practice constantly, research endlessly, logically assess every argument presented before you and continuously try to convince everyone else that you are right. Sometimes you find yourself in situations where you are, by default, the weaker contender. This can happen when you either don’t personally agree with the stance you have been forced to take on the issue or when everyone else instinctively opposes your opinion. This is an unenviable position for a debater and one in which I am currently stuck. </p>

<p>I worry that I may lose and yet despite this I feel like I have gained a great deal from this single MUN experience. What I have had to suffer in my committee has taught me that one must always listen to the other person’s side of the story and respect their point of view. Being tolerant of other people’s opinions and trying to understand them does not undermine your own beliefs in any way. As a matter of fact it opens your eyes to other ideas and viewpoints, some of which may coincide more with your feelings than your previous ones did. While standing in Gandhi’s shoes I have learnt a great deal about the Indian viewpoint on the subject of the division of the Indian sub-continent. I find myself concurring with this viewpoint on several key issues. In letting go of the established biases and prejudices that I as a Pakistani have long held onto I can honestly say that I have grown as a person. </p>

<p>Despite all the problems I have encountered I have not given up yet and I do not intend to do so. Instead I persevere and continue to give it my all. I persevere because of a decision I made years ago when I made my first speech. I will be the best debater that I can be. It is this goal which drives me. It drives me towards a finish line I have visualized in my head to prove to myself that in the end hard work and tenacity will always triumph. </p>

<p>My name is nrk, I am awake at the ungodly hour of 6: 30 in the morning, and I am ready.</p>

<hr>

<p>Supplementary Essay 1</p>

<p>Shhhh. I have a guilty secret: I’m eighteen years old and I’m a closet Disney cartoon fanatic.</p>

<p>Not many people truly appreciate the joy that watching a good old Disney cartoon like “The Lion King” can bring them. They feel that watching cartoons is both immature and embarrassing, especially for a person of my advanced years. I however, beg to differ. Disney cartoons not only provide entertainment but also carry powerful messages. Whenever I watch a Disney cartoon I am transported to a magical place; a fantastical land where anything is possible. What I take away from these cartoons is varied. Sometimes the lesson can be as simple as: don’t make deals with creepy looking women wearing black- at other times the lessons are far more complicated.</p>

<p>When I was younger the characters in these movies were my companions. I would take a ride on Aladdin’s Magic Carpet across Simba’s kingdom with Jimminy Cricket on my shoulder, Sebastian on my lap, Genie by my side and Zazoo flying above me. These characters played a large role in my upbringing by teaching me the character traits that makes a strong but compassionate individual. Jimminy Cricket acted as my conscience and taught me the dangers of lying. Genie showed me that power does not equal happiness and that you should never compromise on who you are even in the face of adversity. Sebastian and Zazoo acted as my own personal worrywarts and made me understand that following the rules is not always a bad thing. They also showed me that even the most crotchety people on the planet have a soft, loving and loyal side if you just know where to find it. </p>

<p>Now that I am older the value of these teachings has not diminished an iota. Instead it has multiplied. I have realized that I will never stop learning the lessons that these cartoons have to offer because what I take away from the movies changes as I grow. And therein lies the magic of Disney. There is meaning there not only for children but for adults. For example when I now watch “The Lion King” I realize that the fact that a warthog and a lemur help a lion, an animal who is their natural predator, has some very subtle connotations; racial, ethnic and social differences are meaningless as we are all part of the same “animal” kingdom. More important than this message though is the fact that in a world where it is increasingly hard to keep magic alive these cartoons are an invaluable gift. Seeing the ubiquitously happy endings of my favorite cartoon character’s lives’ gives me hope that no matter what obstacles lie before me I can still succeed if I give every effort my all.</p>

<p>So what I really want to say is: I’m eighteen years old, I’m a Disney cartoon fanatic and proud of it. </p>

<hr>

<p>Supplementary Essay 2</p>

<p>I slowly closed the paperback I had been reading for my Literature in English class. I felt more inspired than I could ever remember feeling before. In “To Kill a Mockingbird”, I had found something that made me want to do better, to be better. I was intrigued by my strong response to what Harper Lee had written. I asked myself what element of the book had elicited such a strong response from me. My inner self responded instantly; two words: Atticus Finch.</p>

<p>Wise, honorable, ethical, courageous, articulate, clever; words that instantly came to mind when I thought the name Atticus Finch. Words which I hoped would one day be used to describe me. Atticus wasn’t the main character of the story. The short glimpses of him the reader got in the first half of the book were of a single father trying to raise his children as well as he could. He wasn’t a towering giant of manhood, a typical superhero. As a matter of fact, there was nothing of the hero about him. He wasn’t loud or charismatic; instead he was soft, mild-mannered and gentleman-like. Physically he wasn’t at all imposing; his eyesight was weak and he was essentially a man past his prime. Paradoxically therein lay his appeal. </p>

<p>In the story, Atticus is a lawyer representing a black man, Tom, who has been wrongfully accused of raping a white girl. Atticus, to the horror of the severely racist and prejudiced townsfolk of Maycomb, plans on actually defending this innocent. He goes against the people he has lived with since childhood to support a man, not because they’re friends, but because it’s the right thing to do. He does this despite the enormous risk involved. He believes so strongly in doing what is right and standing up for what he believes in that he is willing to take on any risks necessary. In the final courtroom scene, Atticus, who has so far remained calm, pleads passionately for a just ruling by the wholly white jury. He fails. And by the end of the book, one way or another, Tom is dead.</p>

<p>So, why did I feel inspired by Atticus? Why did I want to be him? He wasn’t handsome or successful. He hadn’t saved the day. But what he had done was far more important. He knew he was going to lose the case from the beginning. He knew that Tom had no chance of a fair acquittal. He could have saved himself a world of heartache had he refused to defend Tom yet he had the courage and the moral uprightness not to do so. These are the traits that I want to possess someday. Courage in the face of defeat, the strength to persevere against overwhelming odds and the mettle to stand up for what is right.</p>

<p>I know I have a long way to go before I can be anything like Atticus Finch but one day I will be. That is my aim.</p>

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