Could someone read and leave some comments about my uc app?

<p>I need some help writing my essay prompt #1 for UC schools. If someone could help and give me some advice I would definitely appreciate it. This is just something I wrote up, and I know it's not very good and there are probably a lot of grammatical errors. Anything would help</p>

<p>Describe the world you come from – for example, your family, community, or school – and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams aspirations.</p>

<p>Throughout my life, I’ve always wondered what’s different about me. Born a Californian, and raised in Colorado, my mom and dad have always guided me on the pathway towards opportunity. As a daughter of a chronically ill stricken mother without college experience, and of a father who never graduated high school, life has always been taught to me as a gift.</p>

<p>Everyday, I am greeted by two playful furballs named Max and Thai, that are happy to be my friends any day, just as I am happy to be given so many opportnities with my friends and family. At times, I dread the screaching noise of my radio alarm clock at 5:45 a.m. and my mom yelling at me with all her might, “Sam, can you get me a drink?” in a whining tone before I begin my daily school routine, but I do it all for her so that she can take her medicine.</p>

<p>Each and every grueling day, I rush home from school so that I can get the chance to talk with my mom -- even if there are piles of homework to do, I know that she is alone all day, being that my dad is working. Sometimes she tells me she’s in pain, and sometimes she tells me that she’s feeling so much better. Most of the time though, her mood and feelings are unpredictable. My mom always says that both her and my dad have sacrificed everything for me, and that I should do everything that is sent my way because they never got the chance to what they loved because of our consequences. Life is unpredictable.</p>

<p>During many times of the year, there are so many obstacles that my parents and I face. There are several instances when fear looks me straight in the eye and beats me, but my mom and dad have always been there to push me through my challenges. For instance, when starting lacrosse, my mom and dad at first forced me to go to my first camp. It was awful because I never gave it a chance. I love the game of lacrosse now, and without my parents I would have never stuck with it and had such a great passion for sports.</p>

<p>I would have never reached my goal of becoming successful in school and in my extra-curricular activities without the careful guidance of my parents. Being a patient of Systemic Lupus, and having no cure, my mom has made me want to explore greater challenges in the medical field, as well as helping me overcome my fears and try new things. Both my mom and dad have taught me so much about life and how important it is to take every opportunity, and now I don’t need them to teach me to be fearless. I am more independent, strong, and extremely grateful for everything that I have, and I strive to continue for more chances and opportunities that life throws at me.</p>

<p>It’s a good start, and a great story on top of it. You’ve successfully made a stranger respect you and your life. However, I’d put more emotion into it. Your sentence structure seems pretty repetitive, and I can tell that you care about your mother more than this essay does justice. For example:</p>

<p>“My mom always says that both her and my dad have sacrificed everything for me, and that I should do everything that is sent my way because they never got the chance to what they loved because of our consequences. Life is unpredictable.”</p>

<p>I see what you’re going for, but right now I think it characterizes your mom as pushy and almost passive-aggressive. Instead, just say that you try to do everything because you have witnessed your parents’ unfulfilled lives. Also, watch the typos. A good way to catch typos is to read the entire essay slowly and aloud to yourself.</p>