Could this essay get at least a 10?

Test Preparation
1

<p>Prompt: Should people make and effort to keep things private? Support your ..... from .... blablabla
There are some typos so just ignore that</p>

<p>We should not keep things private. We tend to keep mostly our problems, feelings or repressions private for various reasons: We are too shy, we are scared or something else. But keeping these problems private wouldn’t get them solved and if we don’t keep them private, a potential person might just solve them.</p>

<p>In Scott Fitzgerald’s novel “The Great Gatsby”, Jay Gatsby was a handsome man who was in love with a beautiful woman Daisy Fay. Their disparate social statuses separated them because Gatsby‘s menial status couldn’t match up with the aristocratic men who probably got Daisy’s attention. This annoyed Gatsby and made him leave Daisy for 5 years in order to become rich and win Daisy’s heart. But Daisy didn’t wait for him and went on to marry a famous athlete, “Tom Buchanan”. After these five years, Gatsby became rich by selling illegal alcohol and bonds which shows how desperate he was to get Daisy’s attention. With this money he had, he threw lavish parties to draw Daisy’s attention but she never came. Gatsby had a problem: he really wanted to get Daisy’s attention but he couldn’t. He kept this private and continued throwing his lavish parties still trying to draw Daisy’s attention. Daisy still never came! When he saw how futile his efforts were, he finally told Nick Carraway, his neighbor who was also Daisy’s cousin, to invite Daisy to Nick’s house for tea. Daisy arrived Nick’s house the next day and Gatsby went to meet her pretending he didn’t know she was going to be present. At first, they felt awkward and shy because of the amount of time they were separated but soon their past love rekindled. By this act of telling Nick what he was keeping private; Gatsby got Daisy’s attention—what he was trying to do for about the first half of the novel.</p>

<p>In 1955, in racially segregated Alabama, James F. Blake, a white bus driver told Rosa Parks, a black woman and some other black people to give up their seats on the bus for some white people. Rosa was very annoyed because she was in the area for the black people and she was upset that she had to give up what was hers for the white people. The other blacks gave up their seats but Rosa stood up and went to the seat at the extreme left. The driver shocked and upset with her behavior told her to leave the seat or else he’ll call the police on her. Rosa, very angry, let it all out. All that no other black person was bold enough to say. All that was considered an offense to the law. She told him she wasn’t going to give up her seat and black people should have just about the same rights as white people had. With nothing further said, she was arrested. This caused one a social unrest that led to one of the greatest deeds in civil rights movement. Black people soon started sending out flyers to boycott from using the buses until the racial segregation was stopped. At first they were ignored, but soon the bus services started floundering and they had to repeal the law of segregation.</p>

<p>In close analysis of the plot summaries above, we can see that when Gatsby kept his problem of trying to get Daisy’s attention private, the problem remained virtually static. But when he told Nick Carraway his problem he got it solved immediately. This is also in parallel with the author’s life, Scott Fitzgerald, which is a proof it happens in real life. If Gatsby didn’t tell Nick he would have probably continued throwing his lavish parties and maybe become bankrupt. (Pardon me for my exaggeration). Rosa also brought out what she was keeping private in the open; something most blacks at that period were afraid of doing. She told them she was tired of the racial segregation. Her arrest incited the protest against the racial segregation and the boycotting from the buses leading to a change in the law. Just that one action of letting that out caused this social reform. Would all of these have happened if she yielded and gave up her seat? Yes probably, but it would have been much later. I’m sure now you’ll concur that not keeping things private has it benefits.</p>

<p>Is this close to a 10? or even a 10? Please be brutal!</p>

2

<p>Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmppppppppppppppppppppppppp!!!</p>

3

<p>We should not keep things private. We tend to keep mostly our problems, feelings or repressions private for various reasons: We are too shy, we are scared or something else. But keeping these problems private wouldn’t get them solved and if we don’t keep them private, a potential person might just solve them.</p>

<p>--------“Wouldn’t” is a verb tense error. Use “won’t” here. And what’s a “potential person”? You should also include a road map introducing the examples you’ll be using.</p>

<p>In Scott Fitzgerald’s novel “The Great Gatsby”, Jay Gatsby was a handsome man who was in love with a beautiful woman Daisy Fay. Their disparate social statuses separated them because Gatsby‘s menial status couldn’t match up with the aristocratic men who probably got Daisy’s attention. This annoyed Gatsby and made him leave Daisy for 5 years in order to become rich and win Daisy’s heart. But Daisy didn’t wait for him and went on to marry a famous athlete, “Tom Buchanan”. After these five years, Gatsby became rich by selling illegal alcohol and bonds which shows how desperate he was to get Daisy’s attention. With this money he had, he threw lavish parties to draw Daisy’s attention but she never came. Gatsby had a problem: he really wanted to get Daisy’s attention but he couldn’t. He kept this private and continued throwing his lavish parties still trying to draw Daisy’s attention. Daisy still never came! When he saw how futile his efforts were, he finally told Nick Carraway, his neighbor who was also Daisy’s cousin, to invite Daisy to Nick’s house for tea. Daisy arrived Nick’s house the next day and Gatsby went to meet her pretending he didn’t know she was going to be present. At first, they felt awkward and shy because of the amount of time they were separated but soon their past love rekindled. By this act of telling Nick what he was keeping private; Gatsby got Daisy’s attention—what he was trying to do for about the first half of the novel.</p>

<p>----good paragraph. But don’t put quotation marks around characters’ names (“Tom Buchanan”). The last sentence is a coordination error; learn how to use semicolons or don’t use them at all.</p>

<p>In 1955, in racially segregated Alabama, James F. Blake, a white bus driver told Rosa Parks, a black woman and some other black people to give up their seats on the bus for some white people. Rosa was very annoyed because she was in the area for the black people and she was upset that she had to give up what was hers for the white people. The other blacks gave up their seats but Rosa stood up and went to the seat at the extreme left. The driver shocked and upset with her behavior told her to leave the seat or else he’ll call the police on her. Rosa, very angry, let it all out. All that no other black person was bold enough to say. All that was considered an offense to the law. She told him she wasn’t going to give up her seat and black people should have just about the same rights as white people had. With nothing further said, she was arrested. This caused one a social unrest that led to one of the greatest deeds in civil rights movement. Black people soon started sending out flyers to boycott from using the buses until the racial segregation was stopped. At first they were ignored, but soon the bus services started floundering and they had to repeal the law of segregation.</p>

<p>-----Start the graf with a transition sentence of some kind. More importantly, though: unlike the previous graf, this one doesn’t explicitly connect the ex. with the prompt. You need to say sth like “If Parks had kept her concerns private, the Birmingham Bus Boycott would never have happened and the Civil Rights Movement may have been delayed.”</p>

<p>In close analysis of the plot summaries above, we can see that when Gatsby kept his problem of trying to get Daisy’s attention private, the problem remained virtually static. But when he told Nick Carraway his problem he got it solved immediately. This is also in parallel with the author’s life, Scott Fitzgerald, which is a proof it happens in real life. If Gatsby didn’t tell Nick he would have probably continued throwing his lavish parties and maybe become bankrupt. (Pardon me for my exaggeration). Rosa also brought out what she was keeping private in the open; something most blacks at that period were afraid of doing. She told them she was tired of the racial segregation. Her arrest incited the protest against the racial segregation and the boycotting from the buses leading to a change in the law. Just that one action of letting that out caused this social reform. Would all of these have happened if she yielded and gave up her seat? Yes probably, but it would have been much later. I’m sure now you’ll concur that not keeping things private has it benefits.</p>

<p>----Much of this graf is stuff that should be in the body grafs. Avoid the word “proof” (this isn’t science or math–it’s opinion writing!). Don’t suddenly use direct address to the reader without establishing that as your style earlier (although I’d advise just not doing it at all).</p>

<p>Probably a 10, even with these many flaws.</p>

4

<p>Marvin100 thanks so much, I’ll work on the errors. It was just so much pressure in a limited amount of time. You rule :slight_smile: :D</p>

5

<p>I would give it a 10, its really well done.</p>

6

<p>I highly doubt that you wrote that in 25 minutes. If you did, then you had to write at least 33 words/minute, assuming 2 minutes for thinking about your examples. However, if you still managed to do so, I would definitely give in 9-10 for its length, but not over, because it still has a ton of typos such as fragments(incomplete sentences).</p>

7

<p>Excuse me tomatox1, I don’t know how you came to your conclusion but I wrote that in 25 minutes.</p>

8

<p>I don’t think this would get a 10, probably closer to a 7. Aside from your many grammatical errors, this is a very simplistic essay written in a very conversational tone. Don’t address the reader, like you do in the last sentence. Don’t write a formal essay in anything but the 3rd person. That includes the "we"s in your first paragraph. The paragraph about the Great Gatsby is basically only plot summary, a major thing to avoid in essays! There are many sentence fragments and this is not an elementary school book report. “Daisy never came!” is one example of a completely superflous sentence that does nothing to prove your thesis and makes you seem like a very simple writer.</p>

<p>Here are some tips for writing the essay:

  1. THESIS. A good thesis is essential to a well written essay. Make sure the thesis answers the prompt, all of the prompt, and only the prompt.
    2 Examples. Choose 2-3 examples from literature, history, or personal stories that prove your point. Use details from these examples to back up your thesis, circling back to the prompt at all times.
  2. Commentary. How do these examples relate to the prompt and your thesis? Leave the reader no choice but to believe exactly what you are saying because you have proved it so thoroughly.
  3. Conclusion. Wrap everything up, circle back to the prompt once more, and don’t restate your thesis or introductory sentences over and over.</p>

<p>You have a jumping off point, but you need more work to write a 10 essay. You’re at a 6 or a 7 now but you can definitely improve!</p>

9

<p>I’ve already written my essay for the OCT SAT and I highly doubt I will get an 8, the last two essays I wrote had 8s in the real exam and I had many errors, misused vocab, and just one ineffective personal example with no analysis. So no I don’t believe I’m in the 6-7 range.</p>

10

<p>Don’t ask for people’s input if you don’t want to hear it. You asked if it was at least a 10 and got offended when people said it wasn’t.</p>

11

<p>Lol! I wasn’t at all offended. I just dont think I’m in the 6-7 range an 8 would have even been understandabe because I’ve been getting 8s but I’ve already written the exam so there’s little or nothing I can do about it and I really took marvin100s advise into consideration .</p>

12

<p>IF you want your essay to sound original, perhaps you shouldn’t post it for everyone to see and potentially copy - even the intriguing theme of your essay can be plagiarized. As a suggestion to the actual content of your essay, you come to conclusions that you say are obvious but don’t necessarily back them up with solid facts or thorough examples.</p>