<p>I am going to try to make this as brief as I can but this is not an easy story to make short and as I say this realize that its downright impossible..a friend who recommended site said this was a great website to seek advice. We have a wonderful, very bright, sweet (deep down inside) but very lost 18 year old son that we are terribly concerned for. We also have 2 other kids, a younger daughter and an older son both very successful who are both very affected by this situation as well. We have struggled with him for almost 3 long years now. He graduated from high school after a tough final year of high school, dealing with a pot problem-hanging out with the wrong kids, and then dealing with a minor depression. He got into top ranked college and for awhile, that seemed to help turn him around...then things got tough again he turned to another vice, video games, with his new roommate and he soon started skipping classes, sleeping in, etc....missing them and as a result doing poorly in school. Needless to say, son didn't fare well in first year at prominent college with mom and dad footing bill. Second year was last chance, he started off with another bang, straight a's but went through depression again off and on and suffice to say up until now its been a constant cycle of pot, depression, highs and lows, and now we have brought him back to go to school locally (until he can get it totally together to return to said college) and even there he is having the same problems.He says he has social anxiety in an extreme way, a social disorder to be exact, almost paranoid, very self conscious now as well. Has poor eating habits, has highs and lows. Great days and horrible ones where he goes on and on about crazy ideas about things. We are all the while talking about a very intelligent kid here. Someone who at the same time, in his heyday, when he was successful socially (most of high school) was very popular both with boys and girls, always sought after, so now if he can't be "at the top" of his game, he sees it very black or white, its all or nothing.
He either cares a lot or not at all. Right not he doesn't care at all. He is at a very low point. He lies easily and has stolen when he needs money without thinking twice. He will manipulate when he needs to. As a result he is on a tight leash. His car is gone, we don't have him come home much, as we don't think its wise for either of us. We are at a total loss....he totally refuses therapy, medication, to go somewhere to be evaluated, we just don't know where to turn, what to do, we are private people and really haven't turned to anyone close to us like family or friends because we just don't want to get them involved, or to have them worry,etc.....but we are very concerned.
We are willing to do just about anything...hoping someone out there might have a suggestion for an alternative besides the military, he absolutely won't consider it. (suggested several times) but I do get the hunch that he needs to get away from it all, to spread his wings, to gain his independence, to meet a new group of people, to gain some responsibility to feel good about himself again to gain confidence once again, to feel right about the world, to get healthy, etc.......I am open to hearing just about anything that has some logic behind it, we just want whats in his best interest. We would consider him taking a break from college to go on a "personal journey" if that is what it will take to get him back on track. I don't want to see him go on this path any longer, it breaks our entire families heart. We love him so very much and it breaks our heart to see our very bright once lively son at such a low point in his life.</p>
<p>Right not he doesn’t care at all. He is at a very low point. He lies easily and has stolen when he needs money without thinking twice. He will manipulate when he needs to. As a result he is on a tight leash. His car is gone, we don’t have him come home much, as we don’t think its wise for either of us. We are at a total loss…</p>
<p>Are you paying for him to go to school locally and live on/off campus?</p>
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<p>I would suspect drug use/abuse. If this is the case, he needs to be evaluated and to get clean. Are you supporting him in any way? I would cut off all monetary help unless he agrees to both a medical and psychological evaluation.</p>
<p>Yes, I would love to try to help, but I have the same question as mom2.</p>
<p>yes, paying for him to live on campus because frankly it was creating a toxic situation for him to be home with my daughter who is a sophomore and my son who is a junior and a very serious student and knee deep in all kinds of studying and SAT prep,etc…so we felt it was best for all our sakes for him to live on campus. He is getting straight A’s but its not all about the grades, its beyond grades, its about his inner happiness, or lack thereof, its really debilitating. He is just miserable inside his body/mind.</p>
<p>You can insist on an evaluation and therapy. As long as he is accepting your financial support, you have that leverage.</p>
<p>I do think there is a pot issue here, we had had him tested and it pot was evident, nothing else. I have to say my biggest fear especially after hearing about Marie Osmonds son is having him do something crazy, if we were to cut him off totally, I don’t think he would ever do that, truly…but then all these parents come out after the fact and say the very same thing so this little nagging thought constantly tugs at your inner conscience. It is really tormenting to both my husband myself. I know we both should not give him ANY cash at all, and probably not really have much contact with him until he comes to his senses about submitting to another evaluation because afterall he is making our lives miserable too; it is hard to go through HIS hard days in our own days acting smiling and going through our normal routines. It is very difficult and certainly has compromised my quality of life and to a degree even my relationship and attitude with his siblings. I sometimes feel so depleted that I just have so little left to give.</p>
<p>He needs help! It sounds like a serious depression to me. Must get him into individual or family therapy if at all possible. You do have some leverage with him, don’t you, if you are paying all his college bills and living expenses?</p>
<p>I would NOT withdraw from him–he needs you even though he is a tough cookie right now.</p>
<p>Wipedoutmom: I think you might get more responses if you reposted your initial post with paragraphs and blank lines included. I’m finding it hard to read that one huge block of text, and perhaps others might be having the same trouble.</p>
<p>He needs to see a doctor as the first step. Whether he want to or not.</p>
<p>It must be very draining and heartbreaking for all of you. Have you sat him down and told him how his behavior is affecting his family?<br>
When kids are on drugs they will refuse to see someone. You have to insist that he does this. Tell him that he is not an independent agent that has no effect on anyone else. His actions are breaking the family. You and your husband need to bring him to a doctor, and then have the doctor make a psychological referral.
You need more strength than you have right now, I think. Would you consider getting counseling yourself to help you deal with him? It seems like he takes from you but his isn’t accountable to you, and this isn’t right. He needs to see that.</p>
<p>wipedoutmom, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.</p>
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<p>This sounds like he should be screened for bipolar disorder–my wife has some close family members with BPD, and all of the above rings a major bell, particularly the poor eating habits and the “going on and on about crazy ideas about things.” (BTW, the crazy ideas seem to be exacerbated by pot smoking, for what that’s worth–when one of my in-laws gets high, he’ll ramble endlessly, skidding incoherently from one topic to another.)</p>
<p>I know he doesn’t want to see anybody, but it sure sounds like he ought to.</p>
<p>I agree that he needs to see a psychiatrist fast, and his symptoms do sound like bipolar disorder, a internal neuro-chemical imbalance which can develop in late adolescence, and which is not caused by drug activity. Bipolar sufferers can go from being the brilliant popular life of the party during their manic phase to the depths of depression, and tough love or discipline won’t help them correct the behavior. He probably needs meds, and the sooner the better.</p>
<p>I do agree he should be seen, I do not think he is bipolar, he does not display the telltale signs, which are manic and can include eleavated moods, (never) hyper behavior (never ever), lack of self control, (again never) delusions, grandeur, self importance, over eating, sexual indulgence, or impaired judgement, etc…he has none of them. What I do think I am dealing with is a depressed kid who could probably really benefit from medication though I am personally not one to easily go for it; he could probably really do well on it right now.</p>
<p>also he was never ever life of the party but always a well liked, “chill” laid back, kind of kid who everyone liked not bouncing off the walls, party, frat boy kind of kid…always kind of soft spoken, but cool and calm, always knew the right thing to say, never sloppy or anything…just want to paint the right picture here, I know enough about bipolar to know I do not think he is bipolar.</p>
<p>your son is very bright. bright people can be very good at hiding/masking signs of mental illness.
please get him evaluated. teen years are ripe for the emergence of bipolar disorder as well as schizophrenia. his use of pot could be a result of an underlying mental illness (instead of vice versa)</p>
<p>I agree with JustAMom. Unfortunately the late teens are the years when some serious mental illnesses emerge. His symptoms are consistent with a number of alternative causes. He needs to see a mental health professional.</p>
<p>“What I do think I am dealing with is a depressed kid who could probably really benefit from medication though I am personally not one to easily go for it; he could probably really do well on it right now.”
Then get him to a Dr. asap . Depression is another illness that tough love, discipline or or personal resolve can’t solve. Regardless of how you feel about taking antidepressants, he may need them, AND he will also need to have your support and encouragement to stay on what ever course of treatment his Dr prescribes. This may include talk therapy in conjunction with antidepressants, as medication alone is not as effective in treating depression.</p>
<p>@Wipedoutmom.</p>
<p>I’ll join the consensus, which in my view includes.</p>
<p>(1) Your boy needs medical/psychiatric help.</p>
<p>(2) You are not a psychiatrist/psychologist and cannot do the diagnosis or the prescription. Pot is involved but based on your son’s description of his own psychological state, his pot use may be more a symptom or consequence of his psychological state than it is the the primary cause of his problems. You should not prejudge what the most appropriate treatment should be (including medications) until you have a professional diagnosis.</p>
<p>(3) Your son needs your support, even as you try appropriately to isolate your daughter from the disruption caused by your son’s condition.</p>
<p>(4) Trying to keep your son in college right now is far less important than getting him a good professional assessment and appropriate treatment. As you say, he has the intellectual ability to perform well in college. But that’s not going to happen without professional intervention.</p>
<p>for your dear son. Whether he likes it or not, at this point he needs to be seen by a diagnostician who can help your son, and evaluate for organic and other (body and brain) causes for his change in personality. </p>
<p>The best advice I can offer is get professional help, either through an emergency room door entrance, or a self-arranged medical and psychiatric evaluation or if necessary, when the time strikes right and through joint agreement, by calling in your police for transport to the hospital and entrance into your city’s social service assistance while he is there. Many cities have great experience in precisely these situations.</p>
<p>There is a pragmatic plan and great hope: talk with your spouse and children and take the necessary, albeit painful steps soon. And let us know how you do should you choose. You are not alone in these struggles. I will keep you and yours in my thoughts.</p>
<p>GHWM</p>