Could use some advice if you have some for our situation...

Parents Forum
21

<p>Hmmm…</p>

<p>Since he’s over 18, I don’t think the parents can force him to seek professional help unless he’s considered suicidal or a danger to himself and then you can Baker Act him. </p>

<p>However, since you are paying for his college costs, you should have some leverage to insist that he get help. </p>

<p>What would happen if you refused to pay for next year unless he sought help. I realize that he might first fuss and claim that he still won’t go, but will he “fold like a cheap tent” when he realizes that you mean business and he really, really will lose funding.</p>

<p>I don’t like the idea of just continuing to pay for college, while he’s not seeking help. Right now you have leverage, in a few years you won’t.</p>

<p>lastly…and this would be out of desperation as a parent…is there some other carrot out there you can dangle as an incentive? At this point, it may be cheaper to dangle a new car or a trip to Europe (if he goes thru treatment) than possibly have an adult child in your life that will always have trouble.</p>

22

<p>How about going for a walk together (side by side, so no one is being dominant) and ask for his input on the next few years. You are about to have two more in college. What does that do to your economic picture? He should know (gently) if you are going to be squeezed. </p>

<p>One friend turned a corner with son by sending him to live with an older cousin in another state. The parent offered set up money for two months rent/utilities/ groceries with the understanding that son would find a job during that time. No threats about cutting off after two months – just a “we will talk at that point” message. </p>

<p>The difference was 1) son had no “issues” or territoriality stuff with cousin 2) there also are no druggie friends (altho new ones could be found, I guess 3) son was excited to be in a new venue (lots of cool burgs for young men: Orlando, Austin, Santa Fe, Denver). </p>

<p>The military is unlikely to take him with his history. However, he might feel a lot better if he was helping someone else. He can swing a hammer for Habitat for Humanity, help in Haiti, or do any number of things that will get his body moving and make for a meaningful day. There used to be the Young Adult Conservation Corps that had summer work. </p>

<p>I also would recommend therapy for you and “Emotional Blackmail” by Susan Forward. If your son is terrifying you into paying by implying suicide, you are being emotionally blackmailed. You may need some professional help to find a path for YOU out of that thicket.</p>

23

<p>Hugs to you. Your son needs medical and therapeutic intervention ASAP; school needs to go on the back burner for now. You need a support group at the very least; counselling would be better.</p>

24

<p>Yes, I agree with LasMa too. YOU two need to see a professional, to help you navigate this very very difficult time. While so many posters on this thread have great ideas- they always do!- I think you should seek someone local who can walk you through your options, and help coach you to coach your son into the right help he needs.</p>

25

<p>I know a kid like this and I’m afraid you are in for a long difficult time. There are no quick fixes or easy answers. </p>

<p>Anti-depressants may help. Urge him to seek medical help ASAP.</p>

26

<p>I feel for you! You are on to the main problem. The pot causes the munchies and lack of nutritious food leads to binging on sweets which causes loss of B vitamins which causes anxiety, loss of motivation, listlessness and depression. Marijuana is the most dangerous illegal drug out there because it is insidious. People overlook it because many people say it is not so bad. Research the vitamin depletion with a good holistic doctor. If you can get him to take his vitamins(Mega doses if prescribed) on a regular basis, even if he continues to smoke pot, his mood swings might stabilize. If he can find his passion for creativity and his talents, he will stop smoking pot on his own. It is a jungle out there and we can hope and pray he find himself a better, more meaningful way of life.
Would he take some Yoga, Tai-Chi or swimming classes with you? Any rigorous exercise helps alot. Warmest regards!!</p>

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<p>m2ck - you are correct in that mom can’t force her son to see a dr.
But, I didn’t read that he is refusing?
good post by Olymom and I agree.</p>

<p>wipedoutmom - have you discusses mental health care with your son?
It is very scary for many to think about and I sense that with you. I do think it is better to at least start thinking about it now rather than waiting for a crisis.</p>

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<p>I have of course discussed mental health care along with every thing else out there, found a great program that does a very thorough comprehensive mental health evaluation over the course of a 7 day period stay which I begged him to go to and even dangled that magic carrot as an incentive, didnt’ work…believe me I have tried it all.</p>

<p>I would happily put college on the back burner right now. I have long ago put away my “saving face” mode in front of my highly intellectual family who might initially raise a few eyebrows at our allowing our son to leave school-that is until they know the private hell that we have been going through.</p>

<p>If I were to get him evaluated locally, how would I find a good doctor to get him evaluated through? I wouldn’t want to go through the hospital…unfortunately we know so many people there, and need I say more, we live in fairly small community and in fact I would look to probably go into the big city that is not far from us for a privacy issue for both myself and my sons privacy. However getting him to actually go there will be a challenge as he is still resisting.</p>

<p>The last time we did get him to someone about a year ago…he turned on his charisma and had the therapist literally eating out of his palm, and mind you this was a well regarded psychiatrist, with over 20 years of experience, who at the end of a 2nd visit was almost in awe of our son and practically was saying he couldn’t understand why we were there. In fairness this time around his issues are much deeper, his depression much worse, his social anxiety much more heightened so I do think when I could finally get him into an office he would open up and I think upon exposing himself, a doctor would see what is going on, its just getting him there. </p>

<p>I like the idea of him going to stay with a relative for a getaway but all of his relatives are in the area so that is out of the question, but I am desperately looking for options, alternatives, something that will not stifle him but will allow his mind to continue to grow and think and learn but in an environment that he is fully comfortable in, and right now college is not that environment. </p>

<p>The question for the here and now its mid March, he gets out the first week in May, do we just stick it out and let him finish, he is getting straight A’s, encourage him to at least get this under his belt, it IS a big achievement especially under these conditions to have been able to hold it together, and hopefully in the meantime we can get him started with some therapy but really get something going during the summer…thoughts?</p>

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<p>I just watched an interview with Joe Pantaliano on Bonnie Hunt. Maybe the two of you could sit down and watch Joe’s documentary -No Kidding Me Too- and it might open him up to getting some help. Talks about how Joe was always the life of the party, top of his game work-wise, etc. but would then go home and curl up in a ball and cry (or other destructive behaviors) due to depression. People with clinical depression and intelligence can be very high functioning to the outside world. Trying to deal when they are alone is what often causes the bad-choices/behaviors.</p>

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<p>I will surely take a look at that interview, will look it up online. Sounds like him, to many he looks and acts the part of a fully functioning and able kid, that is the irony and the painful part. His suite mates think he is standoffish, but want to get close to him and think he is being “snobby” and not wanting to hang out with them, little do they know the pain he is suffering. It is sad all the way around. Bottom line is I know getting professional help is the only real hope here, we cannot possibly provide the help that he needs…we just have to get him there and that is the challenge here. I will look up that interview. Thanks by the way to everyone here who has been so nice to take the time to offer words of support and so many thoughtful and well meaning suggestions, my friend wasn’t kidding when she said the parents here are a great means of support.</p>

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<p>Wipedout, I am not a Dr. But your son sounds beyond “social anxiety” although I realize it’s a nice euphemism for what he must be feeling. The fact that he is smart and high functioning in no way changes the core issues. It just makes them harder to diagnose, and makes the denial (yours and his) that much more difficult.</p>

<p>Please reach out to another mental health professional. I think you need to be direct with your son (i…e not threatening to withdraw financial support, or any other quid pro quo.) The message is, "honey, we love you. Your behavior and feelings are very troubling to us. We understand that you don’t agree with our assessment that you need help, but as your parents, we have an obligation to keep you safe and we don’t believe that you are on a path that will get you to a safe and productive and independent adulthood. And so we have made an appointment for you with Dr. S at XYZ hospital. This is not about college or studying or marijuana or any of the things we’ve been nagging you about. This reflects our concern about your incoherent ramblings and the evidence of depression or negative feelings that you have. If you had symptoms of diabetes we’d insist that you see an endocrinolgoist; and so now we are making you an appointment with a neuropsychiatrist (or reasonable facsimile.)</p>

<p>Hugs to you. Just want to reassure you that although you are private people, concerned with the optics of having a child in trouble, you need to let that go. There are probably a dozen families in your “circle” (friends, relatives, acquaintances) who are going through or have gone through something similar or much worse. You will be doing them a huge kindness and potentially saving some kids life if you can be matter-of-fact about what you are going through.</p>

<p>Surely you know parents who are less savvy about psychological issues who will take their own child’s pain more seriously if they become aware that there is no stigma to getting your kid help. Would you pretend that your kids vision was 20-20 if he needed glasses? Would you hope nobody noticed if your child wore a hearing aid?</p>

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<p>If your son won’t seek therapy, then seek it for yourself. Learning to deal with and handle his issues will help you a great deal as well as the rest of your family. </p>

<p>We’ve struggled with the same issues as your family for several years with our own son. Thankfully he was finally willing to accept treatment and counseling and is currently in inpatient rehab. </p>

<p>These are not issues you can handle on your own. I would encourage you to reach out for help and support. There is nothing shameful in admitting you cannot handle these issues on your own. Please don’t wait.</p>

33

<p>We have friends going through a similar situation. Their son was over 18 so they could not force anything on him and he refused any kind of help. The parents sought counseling for themselves and realized it might come down to them or him and they needed to choose them. Their marriage was suffering over this, heading towards divorce, and they realized, through counseling, their life together was more important, hard as that was for them to conclude. They have since (over the course of 2 or 3 years) kicked him out of the house and cut off all financial aid for him. They do stay in contact but only occasionally and briefly. </p>

<p>It’s hard, really hard, and I do feel for you. Any chance you could determine that he is a danger to himself and get him admitted that way? If not, I agree that you should try outpatient counseling again. Good luck.</p>

34

<p>This has to be a difficult challenge. There is no easy answer. Since he is over 18 you can’t force him to go to counseling. You have to convince him to go and be willing to cut him off if he isn’t willing to do so.</p>

<p>Does he want to stay in school? If he is managing to do well and wants to stay, maybe that is the stick - we will pay to keep you in school if you will go and talk to someone. A reputable mental health professional should be willing to listen to the parents of a young adult, as well as the patient. If he wants to leave, let him withdraw, again with the provision that he goes for help. Take him to a larger city to maintain your privacy. </p>

<p>As others have said, you should consider getting counseling as well. Dealing with this issue and your other children can be very difficult. A counselor may have some good suggestions for getting him into a program - an intervention by the family with parent and siblings teling him how is impacting the family.</p>

<p>What is planned for the summer? Does he have a job or a summer program? Maybe it is worth the money to send him to a program to get him out of the house and give him a new, controlled environment. </p>

<p>If he really won’t go your options are somwhat limited. You may have to to follow through with cutting off financial support and perhaps kicking him out of the house. I can only imagine how hard that would be and not clear it is always the correct answer.</p>

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<p>On a lunch break but am getting great comfort from this board, really I am! I like all the ideas very much. The one common thread is that I, need help and support…and I am going to get it. I realize just reading through these posts just how much I have endured, and kept in from EVERYONE who knows me, sucked it all in, the tremendous pain, hurt, the stealing, lying, betrayal,physical,mental, emotional abuse…its been torture. I do need to speak to someone. Moving onto him…do I call a hospitals mental health dept. do I call a local doctor and ask for recommendations? This is where I need your help,someone who has been through a situation like ours…I have no idea how to go about this…where do we start. I am willing to try one more time, to sit him down or take him out for a walk to say that we are willing to “cut off him off monetarily” (though I know being the softie I am, it will KILL me to do so because deep down my biggest fear is of him feeling utterly hopeless and sinking to the lowest depths of despair and doing something he would regret) and maybe that triggering a reaction hoping to call his bluff, but I will admit I am PETRIFIED to play this game, I mean we are dealing with a very fragile kid here, not even a full adult, while he is intelligent he is in some ways very young too, very vulnerable, I am just so confused, so so very hurt and so at a loss myself. Just want to do the right things…open to any advice on how to find a doctor for him.</p>

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<p>Does he have a former favorite teacher, coach, older friend that you can reach out to? Someone that your son liked or respected and knew him fairly well in the past. If he won’t seek professional therapy at your suggestion perhaps someone else making the suggestion may help. Of course when I read about your son the first thing that stands out to me is that he must be so lonely. I think it is the loneliness that feeds his other obsessions or distractions which obviously lead to depression. But there is no doubt that because he is over 18 that you cannot force him to do anything but I do not think I would financially support him because then he has no incentive to change. And lets face it, money makes the world go round. All you can do really is offer to emotionally support him, offer him therapy ( a really good therapist should be able to recognize a crafty kid a mile away) and seek some help for you and your family so that all of you don’t fall down the rabbit hole. I would be especially mindful of your other two children (as I am sure you are). I would try and get recommendations of therapists that deal specifically with teens and young adolescents. Perhaps calling your local hospital and asking for a referral in this area would help. I am sure your local hospital also offers support groups for family members dealing with addiction. Attend one of those meetings and you may meet someone who can lead you to a good therapist for your son. Eventually he will have to face his demons and hopefully when he does, you will be able to lead him to someone who truly can help him.</p>

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<p>You’re getting good advice here-- I really wouldn’t cut him off financially or any other way-- clearly he needs your help now, and if he’s getting A’s then he’s getting some sense of satisfaction and achievement that would be awful to lose. Are you in a city? It would definitely be great for you to get some support and comfort for yourself, and you want to find someone good on the first try if possible-- which is why I’d look to friends and trusted colleagues for suggestions rather than a hospital referral. </p>

<p>For your son-- who does he trust at school? Can you talk to someone there? There must be some therapy available there that could at least be a stopgap. This is so hard, but not impossible, even though it may seem so right now. I’ve seen kids-- and older people-- turn around so dramatically once they have someone to talk to and trust.</p>

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<p>wipedoutmom - virtual hugs to you.
Your pain emmanates through your posts. Find someone who can help you sort this out.
You need to know that this is not your fault, you are a loving and caring mom who wants her son to be healthy.</p>

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<p>I would also advise you to do as several other posters here have said, which is to get the best care you can for yourself, your husband and your other children. Living with a chronically ill child is difficult and demanding and you cannot take any steps to help him unless you are in shape – counseling for all of you (with or witout your son) is vital, as his lilless or illnesses will increasingly affect the rest of the family. And of courseyour family’s spiritual needs (prayer, temple, meditation etc.) and physical needs like enough sleep, exercise, healthy foods, etc. cannot be neglected if you all are to get through this. </p>

<p>Becuse he is over 18 and you can’t force him to do anything I wonder if an intervention might be in order. They are almost always successful though they require that you, your family and your son’s friends must each determine the bottom line ( if you don’t seek treatment, although we love you, we will no longer ________________) and stick with it.</p>

<p>It strikes me that intervention might be useful because whatever possible mental illness is present your son also has a drug issue and there is no way to succesfully address the underlying mental issues while he is still getting high. if his only probelm is smoking dope this will start to clear it up ( if he accepts treatment). if there are other issues, they can be properly diagnosed and a treatment plans for them begun while he is in treatment. interventions can also be arranged in different parts of the country and are by nature more private – and you seem to value that in making decisions regarding your son. </p>

<p>wishing you all the best, whatever happens</p>

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<p>Has your son’s pediatric or primary care physician been of any help? He may be able to refer you to a good psychiatrist or your local hospital should have a physician referral service where they specifically list each doctor’s specialty within the dept. of psychiatry (such as specializing in adolescents, depression, bipolar, anxiety disorder etc). I believe the best referral is by word of mouth, someone who has been through what you are going through that is why I suggested something like the NA meetings (since you feel drugs are part of the problem). To find a meeting in your area if it is not listed on your local hospital’s site then just google NA and punch in your zip. They will often have specific meetings for new members and the NA site should note this.</p>