<p>How about: FormerlyWipedOut?</p>
<p>Thinking about your other two children, perhaps these experiences will convince them never to try drugs. They will certainly see your love for your oldest son.</p>
<p>Hi everyone…yes I realize that at best this is going to be a long process not one where quick miracles can happen. I have been through this for a few years now; in the toughest of times, if I know there is light at the end of this long journey, then believe me, I can surely endure another lengthy part of this road.</p>
<p>I also know to not fully engage in “the talk” with my son on Sunday, but just lightly go over that we are in process of looking into the right person for him to get evaluated by and that this is at this point non negotiable in order for him to be a fully accepted member of our family, that his behavior will no longer will tolerated or accepted by any of our family members (words suggested by therapist) that I am comfortable saying.
Will no go further than that as to not upset the apple cart before a happy family occasion.</p>
<p>Then hopefully during the week, he will meet with someone, there are a few prospects. My main objective for the here and now is to get him to a happy place, to see him work towards getting back to the old him…seeing him thrive, wanting to be better, staying off the pot for good and completely, having the motivation and drive, hopefully learning to let go of the manipulation, lying and deceit that I know is not his true personality but instead was just a means to the pot. </p>
<p>To hopefully one day bridge the gap of trust and honor that has been lost between us and him, his siblings and himself. I know deep down it bothers him greatly. I know deep deep down is the old him, wanting to surface again but deathly afraid to do so for fear of failure and for the fear of the unknown, having been lost and away in the dark depths of the sad and lonely world of depression and being a pothead. It is very sad but my resolve is strong and I will not let this go.</p>
<p>Thank you to all, and I really really hope that perhaps one day, God willling, that I can help someone out there work through something, as you all are helping me. (not that I would ever wish such a situation on anyone- but the reality suggests it is so rampant and out there in such high numbers, as sad as that is)</p>
<p>We cannot turn our back on these lost individuals…as much as we want to sometimes. God knows I have felt I wanted to so many times, love wins out every time.</p>
<p>wipeoutmom, I wish nothing but the best for you and your son. Please keep us posted on your progress and I hope to read, someday soon, that you son is on the road to recovery.</p>
<p>Having been where you son is, I would encourage you to tell him that you are in process of looking into the right person for him to get evaluated by and that this is at this point non negotiable. He may agree to it if you present it in a caring but very firm way.</p>
<p>If he is still resisting at that point, then bring up other things one by one. You don’t want to back either one of you into a corner.</p>
<p>I wish you all the very best of luck.</p>
<p>Hi all…thanks once again for all of the advice. There is good and bad news. The good news is that he has has been pot free for 5 days, now I know to some that might not sound like much, for us this is a big deal indeed. The reason we know this is because we struck up a “deal” and it was his idea (the therapist also agreed that this could be good if he was the one who initiated it) and he said he wanted to see how “it felt” to be pot free for a few months, as I may have outlined before, this is a unique kid in that when he WANTS to do something, he can do it like no other.</p>
<p>That said, he has met with my husband every night, and looked him in the eye and told him he has not smoked pot, he can tell furthermore, there is no trace via odor, the redness in his eyes, when he does smoke, its VERY obvious. He said he is actually feeling MUCH better, and thinking much more clearly. This is a big turning point though he has said that he thinks about it often and thinks he might want to do it casually after this “break”. </p>
<p>He has shown crazy amounts of willpower with things in the past, I remember when for the wrestling team to make weight he had to lose 8 lbs. he cut back so much within 2 weeks and lost the weight to the ounce, giving up his favorite foods just for that designated period. </p>
<p>When he had to get a certain cut off score to get into dream college, he not only achieved it but went beyond it after many many sleepless nights of determination and sheer willpower. So in this case, I am starting to really think he might be able to do this because it is his mind over the matter.</p>
<p>The bad news, is that his mental state to me still seems unstable, he says things that sound troubling to me sometimes still, like about not trusting people, liking to be isolated, thinking doctors are a conspiracy and drug companies are in cahoots with the government and are mass produced in factories and aren’t natural,etc…some of it sounds like such gibberish and yet some of it is pretty intelligent and rather deep.</p>
<p>We are down to two names of doctors, so hopefully this coming week we can meet with one of them and hopefully get started in figuring out what road we need to take in getting him better. I am realizing in these last few days that we may have more of a social anxiety disorder to treat that is more significant than the pot issue, though I fully realize they are for the time being going hand in hand, as a matter of self medication.</p>
<p>To be continued…</p>
<p>Wishing the very best for your family, wipedoutmom. One step at a time.</p>
<p>I wanted to follow up with everyone because first its been such a release to be able to vent somewhat anonymously, since I have so few to be able to do that to in my inner circle, unfortunately after a intense evaluation with a wonderful and well regarded psychiatrist that came highly recommended, to us- it was highly recommended to us that we withdraw my son immediately from college and for him to go into intense therapy right away and on medication for “social anxiety disorder” and a pretty serious state of depression 
</p>
<p>He does not see the pot as a major issue (thank God-that was at least some good news, and he has been pot free for almost 10 days now)…but he says he was quite amazed that he was functioning as he has been at school but that it was not wise for him to be there under these circumstances and after spending several hours with him under intense evaluation, that it was his recommendation that he withdraw right away.</p>
<p>So we followed his orders, though I must admit it broke our hearts to do so, we had to explain this to our other children who were upset and didn’t understand why Chris is coming home to live full time for right now. This is a major life change for all of us…my husband and I both work, and now he will be going to a four to five day treatment center with this doctor which will require our needing to take him to and from, but this is of course something we are more than wiling to do in order to hopefully get him back on track.</p>
<p>It was alarming and very shocking to hear how serious his state of depression is, and I am just sharing because though I don’t want anyone else to have to go through what we had to endure- I recognize the reality is that many others will. Please don’t ignore the signs… we didn’t ignore them, but when he would tell us things seemed to be getting better, or it would subside, or he didn’t’ need therapy or meds, etc…we believed him (wishful thinking), hindsight is 20/20 and I could kick myself for not listening to my gut and INSISTING on forcing him into something when I saw him take this downward spiral.</p>
<p>I am facing up to the fact that we are dealing with someone who is ill right now and needs our love and our support. This is a time more than any other where he needs his family to be there for him and we will be there unconditionally until he can stand on his own two feet again, and I am confident that one day he will.</p>
<p>In the middle of all this, I called his college (original not current temporary one) and had a heartfelt conversation with the dean and was so pleased and touched by the tremendous support he offered and the open door policy that he offered for Chris’s return for hopefully God willing in the fall. (Remember this was a kid with a sterling record and near perfect test scores, got into every top college he applied to) So I realized that sometimes honesty and bearing your soul, even making yourself very vulnerable at a time when your feel your weakest is sometimes the only way. </p>
<p>In any case…Thanks for your kind words of support, I need them and God willing, God will be there for us as he has always been through the good and the bad, and even through this difficult stage, he will light our path.</p>
<p>So happy to hear he is getting help. May he respond exceedingly well to treatment, but do stay patient because it does not happen immediately.</p>
<p>I know how much taking this step must have hurt. It’s been my experience that we feel worst when we first start to get better – when the denial is gone but the healing hasn’t had a chance to begin.</p>
<p>I don’t think the evaluation surprises most of us who have been reading carefully, but it is so much harder to see when one is so close up.</p>
<p>Some of the traits you have described, the compulsive will-power, are red flags that predate the “downward spiral”.</p>
<p>Please be gentle with yourself and Chris. He may never go back to the top college, or he may. Just make some kind of recovery your goal and see what happens.</p>
<p>The pot was probably self-medication for the depression.</p>
<p>I want to congratulate you and your husband for being proactive and taking such constructive steps. Take one day at a time.</p>
<p>My warmest thoughts and prayers for all of you.</p>
<p>wipedoutmom, be sure you get a medical withdrawal for your S so that his record is clear whenever and wherever he is ready to return to school. Sounds like your S opened up to the doc, which suggests he is ready to start working towards getting better, and is a GREAT sign, despite the unsettling diagnosis.</p>
<p>Hugs and strength to all of you!</p>
<p>wipedoutmom, big hugs. I agree with CountingDown that it’s a very good sign that everybody involved, most of all your son, is facing the situation and taking steps to make it better. There is clearly a lot of love, honesty and courage in your house!</p>
<p>Please do continue with your own help. Kids with depression can wield it like a giant baseball bat. That’s an ugly thing to say but it is also an ugly truth.</p>
<p>Wiped, I am glad you found someone who took action (as hard as it must be for your family.) I know it is hard… but in your dark moments, try to replace “depression” with “chronic asthma” or “graves syndrome” or something that is well known to be chemically/physically induced. Nobody would judge you or think less of you for helping your son withdraw from school while you were trying to get his glandular system or respiratory issues under control or stable. So right now you are helping to get a different chemical system under control- the one that dictates his moods, his ability to focus and concentrate, his ability to maintain a normal sleep and eating pattern, and his ability to relate to others in a positive way.</p>
<p>As I’ve mentioned here in other contexts, it is really easy to parent the uber-kid- he’s never any trouble, she always meets her deadlines, other parents are in awe of your parenting skills for having produced the kid who is curing cancer and writing clarinet concerti while volunteering at a homeless shelter. Those kids are- to be frank- a walk in the park. Wake them up and shovel in some oatmeal and watch them go.</p>
<p>The other kids? The ones we all have? Not quite so easy. You are really a hero to be so candid here and to offer your silent support to people who know you IRL and are probably struggling with some dark stuff at home-- thinking that people will be shocked or judgemental to learn that their kids aren’t perfect.</p>
<p>It is easy to miss the signs of depression. I am glad the therapist is taking your son’s condition seriously, as hard as it must be to let go of one goal and replace it with another.</p>
<p>Day by day. Hugs to you.</p>
<p>I am continuing…believe me with my “support system” I need it desperately, now more than ever. This has really rocked my world more than I ever expected it to. I have never quite experienced anything like this.</p>
<p>I have also been strongly advised that while Christopher really needs us right now, so do our other kids. My son just finished his last SAT, and did truly phenomenal and I felt like we barely noticed because of all the chaos we had going on…so tonight i took him out for pizza as a very belated celebration, just he and I and it felt so good to just be the two of us, we talked way more than we have talked in a long long time, I think we really needed that. It was just great one on one time.</p>
<p>He has been invited to intern at a very prestigious university on the west coast this summer, and again we just didn’t have time to even look into it but tonight I committed myself to looking into it first thing tomorrow morning to be sure he doesn’t miss out on this fantastic opportunity. I cannot let things pass everyone else by just because Chris has hit this big bump in the road.</p>
<p>So…we must ALL readjust to this new life we have been dealt and do it together. It will not always be easy and I realize that. I have always loved this quote by Albert Enstein, I used it in my high school yearbook and ironically so did Chris in his:</p>
<p>“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”</p>
<p>BTW…mythmom, you hit it on the head, when you said how scary that spot is when the denial is gone and the healing has yet to begin, it is a very raw, sore wound, totally open…but hopefully not for long :)</p>
<p>Wipedout, you are sounding strong and wise (though I bet you don’t yet feel that way much of the time). You have my admiration.</p>
<p>Wipedout, I’m so so glad to hear that your son is getting the help he needs. What a relief it must be to finally understand what’s going on and have him under the care of knowledgeable professionals.</p>
<p>Wipedout,</p>
<p>Someone once told me something that really helped me"don’t sacrifice the well in the family for the ill". Please understand me because I do not in any way mean for you to not help your son get better and love him with all your heart(of course that is what you are doing). Your pizza time with your other son though is so important both now and in the future will be to both of you.He will remember it occurring and it will make a difference in his life… I once was that kid who needed that time but a sibling always needed it more.I think it takes so much guts to parent our kids. I wish you and your entire family the very best.</p>
<p>Having seen the effects of depression in the rest if the family I wish you and your son the best. </p>
<p>I came to cc looking for college advice and found a whole community of strangers helping each other. It really helps restore my faith in humanity. Thanks.</p>
<p>mpabon…you sure said that well. I second that. This board really does restore my faith in people too. Just when you think people today are just too self absorbed and too caught up in their busy lives…look how many have taken their time to come out and offer their advice and help (and so many more have sent me many private messages sharing their own private and painful stories showing me that I am so not alone). I thank you for that because when you feel so alone at a time that you are your most vulnerable, it helps to know others have walked where are right now and eventually have crossed to the other side. (I can’t wait to get there) So thanks everyone, we are hanging in there. Getting ready to go for a long walk, and taking it one day at a time.</p>
<p>wipedoutmom, you and your husband sound like spectacular parents. </p>
<p>I would only suggest, since you asked for advice, that you might want to write a personal letter or card to each of the other kids, explaining in detail how much you treasure them and how you will always be grateful for their compassion and focus (and whatever other positive traits they displayed) while all this was happening with Chris–something that they can keep and read over in the future.</p>
<p>And I’d say continued individual pizza nights are good for everyone involved.</p>