Could you grade my essay? :)

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>Heyo CC, first poster here haha, been lurking around reading all the amazing guides here and numerous helpeful people. Im taking my first ever SATs this coming Saturday (which is exactly 7 days away!! -panics-) Anyways my greatest fear for the paper is the daunting essay :/ Like I do practices but I can't tell for sure if I did good or bad? :( Soo, could any kind soul rate my essay below, it'd be much appreciated!! :D</p>

<p>Prompt: (From the 2005 Blue Book)
Traditionally the term "heroism" has been applied to those who have braved physical danger to defend a cause or protect others. But one of the most feared dangers people face is that of disapprovbal by their family, peers, or community. Sometimes acting courageously requires someone to speak out at the risk of such rejection. We should consider those who do so true heroes. </p>

<p>Should heroes be defined as people who say what they think when we ourselves lack the courage to say it?</p>

<p>My (not so good) response:
Traditionally, heroes are portrayed as individuals with great strength who rescure damsels in distress. However, there exist another group of heroes, tose who are brave enough to speak their mind, especially when the others fear to do so. Thus, I concur with the statement above as those heroes brought about great change and assuaged people using their bravery, which is especially apparent in historical and literary sources. </p>

<p>Firstly, in the case of Martin Luther King Jr, back in 1982, where the divide between African Americans and the white Americans was painfully evident along the streets of America. White Americans raping any black lady they see and beating up any black man they see. Slavery was also a hackeneyed practice. Knowing fully well that he would have been heavily criticised if he were to stand up and rally the masses, even to the extent of being disdained, Martin Luther King Jr. still plucked up the courage to lead the Civil Rights Movement and delivered countless speeches to speak up for his people when everyone else feared to even protest against the white men. King was most noted for his speech "I Have a Dream", delivered on the 29th of October 1982. As quoted from this very speech, "I have a dream, that one day the sons of formers slaves and sons of former slave owners, could sit down together at the table of brotherhood," and indeed this dream materialised, as his words became a potent unifying force that gelled the people of America together, alleviating the racial divides back then. Today, King is still widely percieved as a national hero - one who spoke up when nobody else dared. </p>

<p>Secondly, another such Hero also appeared in India, and Gandhi was his name. During the British Opresson back in the 1960s, the Indians had no freedom under their colonial rulers. People were tortured everyday to toll for the British people while rations were low. The British had one sole goal in mind, and that was to exploit all the resources in India fully. However, this did not bode well with the natives, but they could not fight back against the British rulers who were heavily equipped. When all hope seemed lost, Gandhi pioneered a new form of protest which he coined, the peaceful protest. By refusing to eat for as long as a month as a symbol of protest and preaching to his fellow Indians to unify them to join him, Gahndi finally attained his goal when the British granted India independence in 1972. Hence we can see the trait of a hero in Gandhi as well who had the bravery to speak up for his people in the form of actions. </p>

<p>Lastly, in Harper Lee's novel To Kill a Mocking Bird, Atticus Finch who was appointed to defend Thomas Robinsons, who was accused of raping a white girl. Being white himself, Atticus knew that if he were to take up this job, his friends and family would indubitalely reprove of him. However, in the name of justice, he fervently defended Thomas to make the truth apparent. Despite the racist societ ultimately executing Thomas, the ending of the book reveals that Atticus' courage was not in vain as the antagonist was rightfully punished. Hence we can see, Atticus is a hero who spoke up with bravery to defend what was right despite judgemental eyes. </p>

<p>Thus, we can see that the various people aforementioned are heroes acclaimed by many, for their immense bravery to stand up for what they believed and speak up even when circumstances were against them. They are truly heroes worthy of our reverence. </p>

<p>Cheers :)</p>

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<p>I’d say it’s a 10ish. Good luck!</p>

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<p>@9jagurl96 Thank you! :smiley: That’s really heartening for a 2nd try essay haha</p>

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<p>Also, could I ask like how do you guys make up believeable examples cause I find the ones I try to make up are so easily seen through
Secondly, how do you guys manipulate books to fit prompts, people on here say the To Kill a Mocking Bird and The Scarlet letter are so easily manipulated but I don’t exactly see how to substantiate them from different views. </p>

<p>P.S. anymore ratings? Suggestions alone would help loads too! :D</p>

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<p>Sorry for triple posting, but really desperate for help now :confused: </p>

<p>Anyways wrote another essay for Princeton Review, think my points were a bit tangential but gah…</p>

<p>Men and women, because of their inherent physical differences, are not equally suited for many tasks</p>

<p>The natural physique of men and women are vastly different. Men are built for power, with broad shoulders, strong arms and tall figures, women on the otherhand are mostly more petite and are not built for strength. However to say that this inherent physical difference deems women to be inferior and not equally suited for many tasks that men do is a grave mistake. Thus I disagree with the statement above as it can be seen from literary, historical and personal experience, that women, too, can take up a men’s job. What they lack in physical strength, they often make up with their intellect. </p>

<p>Firstly, back in ancient China, there was a filial daughter named Mulan. During the war against the Huns, the men of China were conscripted to fight for the royal army, and Mulan’s aged father was no exception. Seeing her father in great pain to even walk, Mulan was devasted by the thought of her father going to war in this state, and thus she plucked up the courage to go as their family’s “son”. During training in the army, she soon realised how inadequetly strong she was compared to the other buff men but Mulan was able to use her quick wit and astute senses to make up for what she lacked. Ultimately, she was able to defeat the Huns by outsmarting them, and even though she had “dishonoured her family” she was able to “bring honour to the country” at the same time. </p>

<p>Secondly, in the world-reknowned novel, Harry Potter, written by J.K. Rowling, we see another fine example of an exemplary girl, and her name is Hermione. Despite being the only girl in the protagnostic trio, Hermione was in fact the smartest. Time and time again, she was able to save Ron and Harry’s lives due to her intelligence. It was also revealed in the book that she was taking 10 classes simultaneously, this is a feat even the strong men couldn’t achieve. Despite her being physically lacking, she was able to fight monsters and you-know-who alongside her male friends as equals. </p>

<p>Lastly, I believe that physical differences are not an issue even in the realm of sports. My friend Julie plays Tchoukball, a fairly new sport to the world. However what is interesting to note is that this sport can be played by teams comprising both girls and boys. Thus we can see, both guys and girls are equally suited for such a sport. One would likely assume that the captain of our team is a male, since they are stronger and faster, however that would be a wrong assumption as our school team captain is in fact, Julie. She is a highly tactical player which is why she garnered immense resepect from her teamates. </p>

<p>In conclusion, despite the vast differences in physical attributes between the female and male body, if one were to claim that men and women would not be equals solely due to that, he would like be lambasted by feminists all over the world. As we can see from above, what women lack, they make up in intellect and hence, are equally suited for any task there is on the planet. </p>

<p>Please help me to grade both essays, please? :(</p>

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<p>Bump, really would appreciate any form of help :)</p>

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<p>Your second essay is very likely a 12. Your examples are very strong and very clear. An option that may or may not strengthen your essay is to address the counterargument, though it isn’t necessary.</p>

<p>You can stop freaking out about these essays, you are clearly a good writer.</p>

<p>Also, books are easily manipulated because essay graders don’t grade for facts. You can’t twist and turn any plot to support your argument.</p>

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<p>@ACTsecrets, thank you so much! :smiley: I didn’t address counterarguments because some book said it’d be superfluous to do so haha and I get your point, but I find that the many books I have are like really parochial in terms of themes? Like TKAMB is mainly about discrimination and courage? But I’ll continue practicing, will be trying to plan some essay outlines from the Essay Archetypes thread :slight_smile: Once again thank you for the positive comments, you made my day! :)</p>

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<p>First essay: 10.</p>

<p>Your writing is convoluted. Although I appreciate the depth of the language used, you went too far in expressing your examples. These examples are there to support your thesis, not tell a side story. For instance, your Martin Luther King example should be phrased to solely demonstrate how Martin Luther King is a hero. Don’t talk about anything else otherwise it’s going to be really easy to go off topic. </p>

<p>Eg: White Americans raping any black lady they see and beating up any black man they see. Slavery was also a hackeneyed practice… is a little off-topic. However, you can phrase this as “King saw ___________, and was motivated to speak up” type of sentence. But every sentence in your paragraph must relate to the person/example you mention (same issue with 2nd and 3rd examples as well).</p>

<p>Solid conclusion</p>

<p>Also, the Luther King paragraph is a little too long.</p>

<hr>

<p>2nd essay: 11</p>

<p>An improvement from the first essay as most of your sentences in each of the example paragraphs are directly related to your exemplified individuals. </p>

<p>I would caution you to be ware of separating your thesis into 2 sentences placed non-adjacently. I understand your thesis is something along this line: “Despite physical differences, women are equal to men because they have intellect to make up for the lack of muscles”… But you took a while after introducing the “lack of physique” to say “they have wit to make up for”. This can confuse the readers a bit because this extraneous sentence may throw them off: “Thus I disagree with the statement above as it can be seen from literary, historical and personal experience, that women, too, can take up a men’s job.”</p>

<p>You should omit that sentence. Also, you don’t need to tell the readers verbatim what your opinion is. They already know whatever you say is your argument, and there’s no need to remind them of the fact.</p>

<p>There are several grammatical errors and awkward wording throughout the essay, I suggest you spend more time revising. </p>

<p>This part of your conclusion is not supported by your essay and should not be mentioned “f one were to claim that men and women would not be equals solely due to that, he would like be lambasted by feminists all over the world.” </p>

<p>For your conclusion, don’t forget to re-state your thesis and how you’ve proven your point. You can expand on the topic a little but be sure that it can be deduced from the rest of your essay. “lambasted by feminists all over the world” can’t be inferred from your essay which says “women are equal”. Plus, that chunk is irrelevant to your thesis.</p>

<p>Nice essays, among the best I’ve read in a while.</p>

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<p>@ ACTsecrets:</p>

<p>I agree that you can almost always strengthen an argument by bringing up the counter-argument and break it. However, not all essays should do so, like in these two essays. The writer already has a solid argument and there is no room for presenting the other side of the coin.</p>

<hr>

<p>Regarding making believable examples… You just have to follow the train of logical thought. </p>

<p>An easy approach is to imagine what the perfect example would be for your thesis. Eg. A hero who was first a nobody… Then you create your own example based on this ideal.</p>

<p>Eg. Consider the case of John Spork ( I made that up), a local town hero in the mid 1950s from Kenya. John Spork was initially a nobody, just another pedestrian in the small dirty town of Kajavevo (I made that up). However, John had a vision. He wished to bring tourism to his town to increase income and earn money to renovate the old buildings, and set out to do just that. He leveraged his hidden business talents and led brilliant marketing campaigns that attracted thousands of tourists. John’s success in improving the town’s tourism led to huge influx of income that was later spent to improving life conditions of everyone in the community. Today, Kajavevo is an oasis thanks to John. John Sporks will forever be in the hearts of Kajevoans. He is truly a hero who was not destined to be a hero.</p>

<p>Excuse me if the quality of writing is a little poor, I wrote it quickly and merely wanted to use it to demonstrate my point.</p>

<p>However, I don’t recommend using this strategy often because it’s extra efforts on your part. But if you’re cornered, this can be a handy skill to have.</p>

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<p>@ rkanan: Thank you so much for the feedback! Didn’t expect such an in-depth analysis, really appreciated it :slight_smile: And yeah I tend to beat about the push and point taken about the relating back to the character… and that is a very believable example haha! (My Julie example was made up too haha) I wrote another practice this morning, maybe I’ll post it up later if I get the chance, but it seems like alot of people like me are posting their essays for grading. Thanks everyone once again ^^</p>

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<p>I didn’t even notice that your Julie example was made up :).</p>

<p>Anyway, you’re doing great. Just make sure you spare a minute or two to skim your essays for any obvious careless errors. :)</p>

<p>Best of luck</p>

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<p>@ rkanan: Thanks again for everything :slight_smile: Will heed your advice and hope to get good results 5 weeks down the road when I recieve them haha</p>

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<p>Heyo me again, wrote another essay (sorry for the spam) but just need to ask, how do we answer these “Current Affairs” questions with our literary and historical examples? Are the ones I gave below enough to get a 12 :confused: Thanks! :D</p>

<p>Is the world changing for the better? </p>

<p>The 21st Century has brought about a watershed in all aspects of our lives, be it in technologically or even socially. These advances have indubitably brought about much change to the world, a world that is better for everyone. Evidences of this positive change is pervasive in our society, one merely has to look around to realise it. </p>

<p>With the various advancements we see today, the burgeoning of IT is especially pertinent. New technologies have not only brought about greater convenience, but also increased our efficiency in all sorts of activities. A case in point is our manufacturing rate. According to statistics released on Newsweek, the introduction of machinery into the manufacturing industry in the 1900s has led to a 10 fold increase in production efficiency in the world. Furthermore, in the last decade, the cost of using these machines have also decreased by 200%, owing thanks to the research and development of these machines. Leading to a higher efficiency in producing goods for us. Hence, we can see that our lives are changing for the better with the aid of technological advancements as they guarantee a higher standard of living. </p>

<p>Secondly, we have also improved socially, as people become more accepting of each other. This is evident from the case of US president Barrack Obama. In the elections back in 2008, Obama took the United States by storm when he announced that he would be running for presidency. People all over the world were skeptical that the once racist United States would be accepting of a black president, which was unprecedented in all previous elections. However, the very fact that Obama eventually won the elections shows that, we as a species have become increasingly accepting of people who are different from us. Terms such as “Xenophobia” and “Racism” are quickly becoming a thing of the past as our world evolves into a better, more accepting place for everyone. </p>

<p>Lastly, our world has also improved in the political realm. Governments from every country are becoming more accepting of each other’s differences and aim to build strong bilateral ties, settling disputes peacefully, instead of through warfare. This is especially apparent in the case between Singapore and Malaysia. Tension arose back in 1982 when Malaysia released an official map claiming that part of Singapore’s sea territory was theirs and this was picked up by the astute Singaporean government, which published this atrocity over the new. This led to much buzz on the internet of both countries. Tensions escalated as both sides refused to concede the other’s views and war seemed like the only option. However, Singapore and Malaysia decided to settle this issue diplomatically and called on the help of the UN who eventually dissolved the conflict, averting possible cataclysm. </p>

<p>In conclusion, our world has definitely changed for the better with manifested improvements in technology, society and politically.</p>