Could you please grade my essay for SAT pretest?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>Could you please grade my essay?
Criticism and improvements... please! Excuse my bad writing...</p>

<p>**A colleague of the great scientist James Watson remarked that Watson was always “lounging around, arguing about problems instead of doing experiments.” He concluded that “There is more than one way of doing good science.” It was Watson’s form of idleness, the scientist went on to say, that allowed him to solve “the greatest of all biological problems: the discovery of the structure of DNA.” It is a point worth remembering in a society overly concerned with efficiency.
Adapted from John C. Polanyi, “Understanding Discovery” </p>

<p>Assignment:
Do people accomplish more when they are allowed to do things in their own way? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.**</p>

<p>In order to move forward in the world we live in today, we need advances, changes, and innovation. Each of those things are considered accomplishments; these accomplishments better our world. However, who are the people who make these accomplishments? Are the people who accomplish more the ones who follow directions and do everything in order or are they the ones who step outside the box and handle things in their own manner? It is my belief that people who do things in their own way accomplish more; they have innovation and seek change. Those things progress us more into the future. </p>

<p>An example of this is James Watson. James Watson was a scientist, and by idling around and using different methods that were unlike the usual scientist’s test and experiment method, he discovered the structure of D.N.A. When James Watson was looked on by his colleagues as someone who did not take action, and argued through his problems rather than experimenting, however, he astounded everybody with his discovery. Afterwards, his colleagues were convinced there were more ways to solve a theory when wanting to be a good scientist. He showed us that he didn’t need to follow what everyone else did to accomplish something great; in fact, by doing it in his own way, he accomplished more. </p>

<p>A second example is when Aristotle challenged the world by theorizing that the world was round, not flat. When the church and his country claimed the world was flat, Aristotle disagreed. Aristotle defied the majority and stood out in the crowd with his new theory of the Earth's shape. Today, we know that Aristotle was in fact, right, that the Earth is round. Without Aristotle's defiance towards the popular thought, we might've still believed the Earth was round today. Aristotle was a freethinker and an innovator, by letting these innovators think and act in their own preference, they help us progress towards the future with their new thoughts and theories.</p>

<p>The last example is Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcom X's struggle in leading the African Americans of America out of racism. Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcom X took it in their own hands to do this because of their dreams of the world being diversely friendly with each other. Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcom X acted on their own will and on the way they thought was right; by doing this, both men have secured a place in history as the people who helped soften the intensity of racism. These two men accomplished what they dreamt of accomplishing, becoming more ethnically united; we are now a more diverse nation, and the Jim Crow laws which were legal in their time is no longer active. By acting and doing things their own way, Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcom X were both able to accomplish their dreams. </p>

<p>The world we live in is a world that needs change, advance and nurturing by people who will supply it by being innovators. This is accomplished when they those people stray out of the lines and do things their own way. Without those people like James Watson, with his different method discovering the structure of D.N.A, Aristotle, who challenged the world and changed our thoughts of the real shape of our Earth, and Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcom X who’s dreams and actions helped us actively soften the blow of racism, we would never have the world we live in today. If these people had stayed within their course and did things as they were supposed to, they would never have accomplished the great feats they had accomplished. People do accomplish more when they do things in their own way.</p>

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<p>I would give this essay a 5 out of 6.</p>

<p>Major point:</p>

<p>(1) You are approaching the essay wrong. The SAT essay primarily tests your reasoning. Not only did you not really answer the question in your first body paragraph, but you also did not support your stance with reasoning. The last sentence of your first body paragraph says:</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>It is good that you included the part after the semicolon because it indicates that your example did something more, and not just something. But you didn’t justify that particular statement, which is the most important one.</p>

<p>Who is to say that he wouldn’t have accomplished even more if he had used the conventional method? The question does not ask whether person X would accomplish more than person Y if person X does it his own way while person Y does it the typical way, because accomplishments in such a case could be attributed to a number of factors like intelligence; perhaps person X was simply smarter. You have to compare person X in one actual situation to himself or herself in a hypothetical situation to be logical. Since this is difficult to do, to improve your essay, you could have mentioned that Watson and his colleagues were similar in intelligence, but that Watson did not follow his colleagues’ methods (which you partially did mention); or you could have discussed Watson’s own method with more detail so as to really exemplify its superiority. Stating that one method was better just because it accomplished more, and then stating the converse that it accomplished more because it was better reflects unreasonable thinking.</p>

<p>Your second and third paragraphs make the same mistake. We could have easily attributed Aristotle’s proposal to his intelligence and his findings, not his approach.</p>

<p>Minor points:</p>

<p>(1) Do not read the quote given above the question. It is a waste of time to read and you do not need to incorporate it into your thinking or your essay. (I’m not saying you did. I didn’t read it so I don’t know.)</p>

<p>(2) Take out the word considered in the second sentence of your intro paragraph. Doing so makes the sentence stronger. Likewise, take out the phrase “it is my belief that” in the fifth sentence.</p>

<p>(3) You do not need to write such a large concluding paragraph. In fact, you don’t even need to write one at all. It doesn’t display much use of reasoning.</p>

<p>P.S.–I was so analytical only because I wanted to clearly convey the purpose of the essay (to use reasoning to construct an argument). You don’t really need to do much more to get a 6.</p>

3

<p>hey, try to write this essay out. To me, it seems a bit too long to fit in the pages provided on the essay section.</p>

<p>other than that, i would go w/ crazybandit’s excellent advice and critique.</p>

4

<p>10/12. Decent arguments, but could definitely have been developed more. The first two were kind of weak. But the third one was definitely stronger. It might have been better if you had simply focused on two.</p>