critique my essay, please!

<p>FIT essay
- What makes you a perfect candidate for FIT? Why are you interested in the major you are applying to? We’d like you to tell us in an essay. This is your choice to tell us more about your experiences, activities and accomplishments. (no more than 750 words)</p>

<p>After beginning to read the first fashion magazine when I was a teenager, I start addicting to fashion. Ever since I read the fashion magazine for the first time, I became addicted to the concept of fashion itself. I love shopping, one of the reasons is that I love to see how they dress on the model. My friends and even my mother love shopping with me as well; they see me as their personal stylist. Because I have a strong sense of fashion, and always know how to make their outfit looks awesome. I think fashion is just like a magic to me, because every time after shopping I can’t stop thinking about what is the best way to wear the clothes and accessories I have seen. My habit is to watch how people dress in the magazine or on the street, because I can always find so many unique and creative ways of dressings. I also think that even a simple t-shirt can wear in variety of ways and show variety of styles, and that is why I love fashion because I can always find something amazing.<br>
One day I am shopping in a boutique store and one lady breaks a cup by accident; I glance at the cup on the ground and then find out that it becomes more special and unique when it is broken so I tell the lady I want to buy it. My friends think I am crazy, because I can’t even use it; the lady says she can give me for free, because it is broken. When I go back to my house, I put it as a decoration on the table and many of my friends think it is really special and creative. From that time I find out that I have a characteristic of finding pretty side in everything. I think it is what fashion marketing needs, because we need to find it’s value on everything and introduce it to others.<br>
I join the Yearbook in 12th grade, and our first assignment is to sale the ads for yearbook. Some girls are worry about talking to the people that they don’t know, but I don’t feel like that at all. I enjoy talking to them, and I feel full of confident after talking to them and selling them ads. I didn’t just sell ads to the stores, I even sell to the students in our school and some of them say that they will buy ads just because of me. I think having a good relationship with other is essential to be in fashion marketing as well, because fashion marketing is business as well and I think get alone with others and have a good relationship with others are really important for business women.<br>
FIT is my dream school, I really want to study in the best fashion school in the United States because I know I will learn a lot in this school and it will be very helpful for me to develop my interest. I am a good candidate is that I have the characteristic of finding the value in everything, good at getting alone with others, and enjoy talking to every people. I really like fashion marketing, I think it is a job that brings beauty to everyone.</p>

<p>On the whole your essay has these problems:

  • you switch from passive voice to active and back again. Stick to only 1
  • your word endings don’t fit the sentence (ex: “are worry”). It sounds horrible</p>

<p>edit the it and repost it. I will try to look later</p>

<p>opps. I meant the endings sound bad. not the overall essay.</p>