Critique my UC essay and I will critique back!

<p>As stated in the title, any kind of critique/help will be greatly appreciated! Leave a comment below if you are willing to do so. (since I'm not PM eligible, it will be most helpful if you can provide your email as well :3)
And if you want me to read it, please send it to dianxiaoqing at hotmail dot com. I will provide an honest feedback within my best ability!</p>

<p>?? UC applications are closed??</p>

<p>Yes, but I feel like I need some improvement on the essay and it might be used for future references and such…</p>