Critique my valedictorian speech?

Pre-College Issues High School Life
1

<p>It's supposed to be pretty short (less than five minutes), tell me what you think? If there's any wording or anything you think might be offensive, please let me know! Thanks! </p>

<p>Good evening parents, teachers, friends, family, and graduates of the class of 2012. I would like to start by thanking my biggest support group and some of the best people I know - my family. Their kindness, patience, and love have truly been a blessing. Never once have they told me I wasn’t good enough to do something. Without their support and never-ending encouragement, I would not be where I am today. I love you all and am so fortunate to have you in my life. </p>

<p>Now, to the class of 2012, I wanted to say that I have sincerely enjoyed getting to know each and every one of you. It’s been a great ride and the memories I’ve had with our class will always be cherished. Even though most vocabulary tests were spent cramming the period before and facebook usually won over Mr. Smith’s math homework, we have all learned a lot and have great teachers to thank for this. Doing crazy experiments in Ms. Cooksey’s was always one of my favorite parts of high school. She truly knew how to make learning fun and I feel sympathy for upcoming classes that no longer have the privilege of learning from her. Using science to turn milk into ice cream and lighting bubbles on fire, and on a couple occasions, almost Ms. Cooksey herself, made for some of the more memorable times in her classroom. Julius Caesar was one of Mrs. Schultz’s favorite methods of torture, but her brownies made it all the worthwhile. Mrs. Stewart’s math raps, Coach Linn’s ridiculous nicknames, and Mrs. Turner gracing the halls of SHS with her sweet dance moves will always be remembered. Mrs. Orsak’s swear jar might have a hard time finding replacements for our class’s contributions and Dr. Jones will have a few less haircuts to worry about. Each teacher had their own unique traits and all will be remembered. Through it all, the drama, the laughter, and the tears, we’ve grown closer to each other and our lives will always be interwoven, no matter where the future takes us. </p>

<p>One of my all-time favorites quote is by Confucius, a philosopher I learned about in English class. “Wherever you go, go with all your heart.” Once we walk out of these doors as “high school has beens”, we will all be going in different directions. Some of us will be furthering our education, working full-time, or honorably serving in the military. Each story will be different, but none less important. As long as we travel our paths with passion, I believe each one of us has the ability to do things greater than we ever imagined. Always remember: “Wherever you go, go with all your heart” and never, ever let anyone tell you you can’t. </p>

<p>I think we are all in agreement when I say today has been a day we have been looking forward to for quite some time. The bittersweet emotions that come with graduation are in full swing for me and it’s kind of crazy to think about leaving behind everything that is familiar to us. With that being said, let’s relish the moment and enjoy the last few times we will share together as a whole, together as the Allen High School Class of 2012. Thank you and God bless.</p>

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<p>woooohoooo clap clap clap</p>

3

<p>Better than mine lol</p>

4

<p>I think you should remove the “God bless” part because you want to appeal to those who are not theists…A simple “Thank you” is fine.</p>

5

<p>Don’t remove the ‘God bless.’ I think it’s heartfelt and anyone who is an atheist won’t be mortified at such a statement, at least they shouldn’t. Very well written and fun to read, I wish you the best of luck!</p>

6

<p>If you want the god bless, then keep it.</p>

7

<p>Generic and boring if you ask me. Spice it up, be unconventional.</p>

8

<p>I guess keep the god bless. I don’t know; I just haven’t seen many val speeches with it</p>

9

<p>Overall,
Good evening parents, teachers, friends, family, and graduates of the class of 2012. I would like to start by thanking my biggest support group and some of the best people I know - my family. Their kindness, patience, and love have truly been a blessing.</p>

<p>I would save the thank you for the end. Its seems a bit out of place. Like you put a line from your conclusion into the intro.</p>

<p>Never once have they told me I wasn’t good enough to do something. Without their support and never-ending encouragement, I would not be where I am today. I love you all and am so fortunate to have you in my life.</p>

<p>Now, to the class of 2012, I wanted to say that I have sincerely enjoyed getting to know each and every one of you.</p>

<p>Stop. Only say that if you really do know EVERYONE. Or you come off as very cliche. Or BS-sounding.</p>

<p>It’s been a great ride and the memories I’ve had with our class will always be cherished. </p>

<p>Stop. Why will they be cherished? Elaborate. Give a sincere memory. </p>

<p>Even though most vocabulary tests were spent cramming the period before and facebook usually won over Mr. Smith’s math homework, we have all learned a lot and have great teachers to thank for this.</p>

<p>Stop. This should be put more towards the conclusion. Make sure EVERYONE has taken Mr. Smith. I would say something like, We’ve all had that moment when going on facebook was more appealing then trying to remember synthetic division at 11o clock at night.</p>

<p>Doing crazy experiments in Ms. Cooksey’s was always one of my favorite parts of high school.</p>

<p>Stop. Elaborate. What experiment. Give of an example, like when you accidently spilled (insert chemical compound) that turned your friends hair blue or something.
She truly knew how to make learning fun and I feel sympathy for upcoming classes that no longer have the privilege of learning from her.</p>

<p>Stop. " I feel sympathy is too awkward. It is unfortunate that upcoming classes will be able to have her as a teacher, who know just what to use to blow stuff up. (something like that). Point is. Give some character, some flesh to the people you are referring to. </p>

<p>Using science to turn milk into ice cream and lighting bubbles on fire, and on a couple occasions, almost Ms. Cooksey herself, made for some of the more memorable times in her classroom. Julius Caesar was one of Mrs. Schultz’s favorite methods of torture, but her brownies made it all the worthwhile. </p>

<p>Stop. Good. it sounds like your mentioning of julias caesar is to flesh out Mrs. Schultz. However, you can’t just mention the word torture , not explain it, then move on to brownies. </p>

<p>Mrs. Stewart’s math raps, Coach Linn’s ridiculous nicknames, and Mrs. Turner gracing the halls of SHS with her sweet dance moves will always be remembered. Mrs. Orsak’s swear jar might have a hard time finding replacements for our class’s contributions and Dr. Jones will have a few less haircuts to worry about. Each teacher had their own unique traits and all will be remembered. Through it all, the drama, the laughter, and the tears, we’ve grown closer to each other and our lives will always be interwoven,</p>

<p>Stop. This note may be a bit more endemic to my own perspective; however, most people are be saying “BS, BS” in their minds when they hear the “always be interwoven”
part. Say how, although we go on to live different lives, at some fundamental level we will all be interconnected.</p>

<p>no matter where the future takes us.</p>

<p>One of my all-time favorites quote is by Confucius, a philosopher I learned about in English class. “Wherever you go, go with all your heart.” Once we walk out of these doors as “high school has beens”, we will all be going in different directions.</p>

<p>“has beens” puts a negative light on graduating high school, which is considered a bit of an accomplishment. What about: as veterans of (insert high school name).</p>

<p>Some of us will be furthering our education, working full-time, or honorably serving in the military. Each story will be different, but none less important. As long as we travel our paths with passion, I believe each one of us has the ability to do things greater than we ever imagined.
Always remember: “Wherever you go, go with all your heart” and never, ever let anyone tell you you can’t.</p>

<p>STOP! These sentences don’t flow. They don’t flow from one though from another.each one is disconnected. You should transition from “ever imagined” with “just remember, wherever you are in life, (insert quote)”
Then take out the never, ever let someone tell you you can’t. its CLICHE. and it has nothing to do with putting your heart into work. One is in regard, to devotation and hard work, and the other is about disregarding opposition.</p>

<p>I think we are all in agreement when I say today has been a day we have been looking forward to for quite some time. </p>

<p>NO. “we are all in agreement” is business-like. like referring to trading stocks on the asian markets. say something like “I think we can all agree that” not “we are all in agreement”</p>

<p>The bittersweet emotions that come with graduation are in full swing for me and it’s kind of crazy to think about leaving behind everything that is familiar to us. With that being said, let’s relish the moment and enjoy the last few times we will share together as a </p>

<p>NOOO! NOOOO! Not “let’s relish the moment” You can’t just say let’s relish it!!! You have too relish it!!! Describe it!!! Like, let us remember our moments here, (insert classic experience at high school, like prom) times 2 or 3 and finally say “but most importantly, remember the journey.”</p>

<p>whole, together as the Allen High School Class of 2012. Thank you and God bless. </p>

<p>Dude. I have to say, it has potential but it needs work. It needs a lot of work. This is YOUR TIME! YOUR 5 MINUTES! MAKE IT YOUR SPEECH.</p>

10

<p>OP–you have a nice speech but it is cliched as rr5001 points out . You’ll have to decide what to do with your speech depending on how well you actually know your classmates and teachers on a personal level. You can keep what you have and be safe but it won’t be very memorable.
I would thank family at the end rather than beginning in any event–you may disagree but try it out and see how it sounds.
Great speeches only have two ways to go–your experience on a very personal level or broad experiences to which everyone can relate in some way.<br>
Some experiences hit both–we all know what a swear jar is and can relate–now, tell me how much money was in it (actual figures and gross exaggerations work well here).
How large is your class? In a very small class you can name some names comfortably rather than “some of us are going to…” Just suggestions.
You’ll be fine whatever you decide! Good luck! (Time it though!)</p>