<p>So now that we've decided yes, S will be not only auditioning for more scholarship at Berklee, he'll try some of the suggestions ya'll gave for last year that we didn't do and the recent additions, I wonder this: if our finances just can't stretch, could I send him..dun dun dun (dramatic music) alone?
Well, yes, I know I could. He's 18. But he's not an 18 year old who has been far away from home by himself. True, he is more capable than most I've encountered, but I think flying, getting a hotel, getting to the audition, and then the audition itself... well, he could probably use some moral support if nothing else. So, yes he could. But he shouldn't have to.
So I'm curious. How many of you who are students went by yourself and would you rather have had a parent/someone with you. How many parents had a child/young adult (sorry, trying to be pc) go alone, especially if the trip was across country or just about that far? How did it go?
I have no doubts that he could do this alone. But I know, even as an adult, if I'm going through something potentially new or stressful, I like someone by my side. I'm just wondering if we had to do it, how many people have experienced that and what the outcome was.</p>
<p>As a HS senior, my D needed me to accompany her to the auditions. Now as a rising college senior, she’s successfully travelled alone with her instrument, including a recent confrontation with a zealous flight attendant who wanted to check her viola. As much as I enjoy pretending to be part of the wallpaper, holding coats and bags, and walking on eggshells in conversation, I’m pleased that she can handle whatever grad school auditions are on the horizon by herself. </p>
<p>For different people, that independence can emerge at different times - right now I’m in Paris chaperoning a college tour group. We have one student who was able to navigate the city on his own from day 1 and others who still cling to a group or a teacher whenever our plans take them from the few blocks around our hotel.</p>
<p>Sometimes not having mom or dad hover can make things easier. I was present for any of my son’s auditions and that was how our son wanted it. Sometimes being pushed to be independent and handle things on your own can result in increased confidence which in turn might come through in your son’s music.</p>
<p>Years ago we sent our oldest to NYC alone for her audition to Tisch. It was not by choice. We were preoccupied with health issues with another child. Looking back I can’t believe we did this. Our daughter had spent time in NYC but had never had to navigate and find her way around on her own. Was it challenging? Yes. But I think that experience made her feel more mature and confident going in to her audition, which was very successful. </p>
<p>The nice part about Boston is that it is a small city and travel from the airport to the main part of the city via public transportation is straight forward. It is pretty easy to find your way around the main part of the city where Berklee is and Bostonians tend to be pretty helpful. Going alone might result in your son feeling more adult and more confident and that then might come through in his music.</p>
<p>On a rather funny note, last spring we sent our son alone to Oberlin for a sample lesson and to visit the campus. He had done a regional audition. He managed the air travel and getting to campus and meeting the professor just fine. Then the following day 45 minutes AFTER when he was supposed to be picked up by the cab company to go to the airport he calls me and says, “What time was the cab supposed to pick me up?” Turns out the cab company forgot to pick him up (long story) and our son ended up missing his flight. I spent the rest of the day calling and trying to negotiate getting our son on a new flight and making sure our son had transportation to the airport. Thank goodness for cell phones, but I wish our son had not waited 45 minutes before calling us because then he would not have missed his flight!!! It all worked out for the best. Staying the extra day allowed our son to experience Friday Night on campus sealing the deal in his mind that he did not want to attend school there. The lesson: Even if mistakes happen in most cases you can figure out a solution.</p>
<p>In a few weeks that same child is going to Amsterdam. Fortunately one of his friend’s is going to travel with him because afterwards they are going to Paris to meet another friend and travel around Europe. Still we worry that we will get “the call” where our son says, “Uh high. Um, I did not realize that our Euro-rail passes expired yesterday and we don’t have enough money to get a new one to get us to the airport this morning and we are going to miss our flight home and I am not sure where we are…” You get the idea. But that is how you learn. Sometimes we have to push our little fledglings out of their nests.</p>
<p>All my daughters travelled alone before they were 18. My oldest, now a professional artist, went to Italy to study, and started when she was 17. </p>
<p>I had them all “practice” before going off to school, audition, etc. I would have them travel to a big city on their own, armed with some money and a cell phone. That way they learned to negotiate around the city, but they could call me with questions.</p>
<p>My S traveled by himself to NYC and LA area auditions. He is pretty confident using public transportation, so that helped. He was only 17, so instead of getting a hotel room (some won’t book under 18s), he stayed on campus with friends. But, if your child is over 18, then getting a hotel room shouldn’t be a problem. We made sure he had his cell phone and had to text me every step of the way.</p>
<p>In some areas of Ohio such as Cleveland and its suburbs, one must be at least 21 to book a hotel room. Not sure how strictly that is enforced. For Oberlin auditions it is best to stay at the Oberlin Inn which is one block from the Conservatory. Not the cheapest option, but the easiest. HS students do not seem to have any problem checking in by themselves as my son went to his Oberlin interview alone (he had been to Oberlin’s composition program the previous summer). He also visited NEC alone, staying in a hotel a couple of blocks from the school.</p>
<p>I accompanied my son to auditions because I was nosy and wanted to check everything out 
However, I didn’t feel I “needed” to. Then again, mcson had had earlier “big city training” on trips accompanied to Chicago in early teenhood…then unaccompanied (think Lollapalooza 
so by then he was pretty adept at public transit, etc.</p>
<p>At each of the schools, the mix of those auditioning/interviewing seemed to be about 50/50 in terms of traveling with/without parent types along. One fellow was from England, and was en route solo to USC after an audition at Michigan. Essentially, it seemed that many who flew in to NYC or Ann Arbor (via Detroit metro) were often solo, whereas cities such as Bloomfield Indianna, where you pretty much need a car to get there from Indie, might have had a higher proportion of parents (you do have to be 25 to rent a car…this might have bearing on Oberlin as well…but then again, there are always shuttles. In the case of Ann Arbor, it just happens that there’s a close, frequent, easy airport shuttle). Then again, all those observations could just represent flukes during our particular visits, etc.</p>
<p>What I will say is that in general whether one is alone or with a family member, the prospective student will likely meet new people and be well-attended to, particularly at the larger music schools that have comparatively large audition days. So the financial advantages of conserving travel cash likely outweigh the “support” element – depending on your son’s general disposition. Eg. I suspect mine would have had an even better time without me in tow ;)</p>
<p>It depends. When I did undergrad, I was pursuing an entirely different path, so no auditions then. </p>
<p>Having done the graduate school audition tour and summer program audition tour, I think it’s best to consider each school on an individual basis. For example, is the school more than an hour away from the airport? If so, is your son old enough to get a rental car, or is the taxi reasonably priced? Is it just an audition, or will it be a multi-day college visit (sometimes it helps to have a parent ask admissions questions your child will not…)? Are you capable of making your child nervous (the one audition where my parents tagged along to visit obscure family, it was a real struggle to get enough breathing room to relax let alone sing)? </p>
<p>One of my parents each came with me for two auditions–one to visit family; the other because I wasn’t old enough for a rental car, and a taxi for two days would have cost more than flying a second person out there and renting a car. </p>
<p>I can understand the parent wanting to be part of the audition process; truly, my dad is the most ridiculous musical parent EVER, and it’s nice to have him in my corner, but when he goes between these hot/cold/smothering moods, it’s not helpful. Particularly when he refuses to see that I simply had a bad singing day and believes it’s everybody else’s fault and goes after them. I’d rather have my mom come along because she knows to stay as far away from me as possible until I approach her, and to her credit, this year she did help me recover from a melt-down after an on-the-spot sight-reading after I’d been singing for 15 minutes (and it wasn’t a great audition either). </p>
<p>Not knowing you, I think it’s best to do as honest a self-assessment as you can. If you know when to approach and when to walk away from your kid, super. If not, maybe best to stay home and let him be an adult. He’ll have to do that soon enough anyway.</p>
<p>One of us traveled with my son to all auditions. As others have mentioned, it wasn’t because we thought he couldn’t manage it alone. I think he would have been fine. Rather, it was because it was helpful to him to have someone carry things, have a water bottle waiting, negotiate all the details, etc., so that he could focus on the most important thing, the audition. It made what could have been a very stressful time into a pleasant trip. My son and I both still talk about how great of a time we really had during those few months of audition trips. We explored the campus and the area, tried to fit in some ‘touristy’ things, dealt with the many unexpected events (an instrument suddenly not working just before the audition and frantically racing to find a repair shop, blizzards, etc.) I felt good about being there to lend support to him, and know that we’ll always look back fondly on the time we shared together.</p>
<p>My D is in Boston and that is certainly a city that can be easily navigated by an 18-year-old. From the airport, he can walk out to the curb and ask a taxi to take him to his hotel. If his hotel has a shuttle service, that is even better. The day of the audition, he can walk there if he stays at one of these: the Midtown Hotel (cheapest, several blocks to walk), the Sheraton (expensive but very close, 1block), or the Hilton (expensive, but also close).</p>
<p>We stayed at both the Midtown and the Sheraton on different occasions, but the Midtown will require a good walk, and he will have to navigate by himself for several blocks. The price can be significantly lower at the Midtown, which is why the long walk can be worth it.</p>
<p>I would say, if he is good with navigating and time mgmt, the Midtown should work great. If he is not, put him in the Sheraton and he will have it much easier.</p>
<p>At the Berklee auditions, the kids without parents were definitely abundant, plus they seem to find each other and bond. The dorky parents hovering over their kids also stick out as well. I tried to be supportive if needed, but otherwise, I let my D sit by herself (near the students without parents) and that is how she wanted it. I think she would have preferred to do the whole thing alone, but she did like the free meals and chauffeuring that I provided.</p>
<p>I agree with SnowflakeVT-- of all cities to navigate on one’s own at 18, Boston is one of the best. I also agree with her opinions of the midtown vs. the Sheraton. I’ve known several kids who managed auditioning at NEC, BU, and Emerson on their own (not Berklee, but it’s in the same area.)</p>
<p>Thanks everyone. It does help to know that others have and it also helps to know that it’ll be equally fine if I go with him. When I went with him to the regional Berklee audition, I just sat and waited and basically was just there to carry things afterward — remembering my violin auditions where I was fine until afterward when I used to drop my violin and pass out! lol He doesn’t get nervous even afterward, so he should be fine, but I was worried more about navigating hotels, etc. Snowflake, it helps to know your D is in Boston because if it seems to you that he wouldn’t have trouble, then no doubt you are right.
Thank you everyone!!!</p>
<p>Only additional comment I would add is to add “weather” to the equation. Going to auditions in the Northeast during February can be dicey. On more than one occasion, I found myself negotiating rescheduled flights. Just saying…</p>
<p>We have just had the same discussion about traveling to auditions in our house. I get so nervous I feel like I am going to throw up or pass out when he auditions and honestly don’t know how I will get through it but also can’t see having him go alone.</p>
<p>Another quick question . Or son was talking about kids who get prescriptions for beta blockers for big auditions and competitions. Can anyone speak to that?</p>
<p>I would not recommend any medication at this point to manage auditions. If your child has anxiety that is so severe that it interferes with his/her ability to perform then I would seriously consider some cognitive behavioral therapy so they can learn techniques for managing it. Because one problem with medication is that you can become immune to it’s effects over time. But also if your child learns to manage anxiety in stressful situations like auditions then they will have gained a life-long skill that they.</p>
<p>Yes, will agree with StacJip … managing the stress of auditions is an important skill. Once your student gets to a college or conservatory, the auditions for ensembles, special parts, and special concerts will continue. I think you should strongly consider some behavior therapy. </p>
<p>Please don’t take this as too harsh, as I am only trying to point out something that could help you both. As a parent, I recognize that your S’s auditions can make you nervous, but you may also learn something through some non-medication route as you shouldn’t be so nervous that you throw up or pass out either … you can set the example by learning how to manage this stress yourself.</p>
<p>As a parent, we need to learn to let go. When my children were small, I was very invested in their performances and auditions. Both of my kids were “professional” kids -musical theater and some film and TV. I would get so nervous for them before auditions, that I realized some of my “nerves” were transferring to them. So, I started backing off - sending Dad or Grandma with them to auditions, or taking a walk. They both learned techniques to help them with nerves - breathing exercises, visualizaton, Alexander techniques, yoga. Now (one in college, one about to start) I sometimes don’t even know when they have auditions and just ask afterward - how did it go? It was really hard to separate myself from them (and their accomplishments) but it was good for all of us in the long run. Disclaimer: I still get sweaty palms when they are performing especially just before they hit the high notes :)</p>
<p>I was not nervous at my son’s violin auditions throughout school because I did not witness them. I was in another room with other parents. Now watching him during spelling bees was another story. I was a wreck during those, intent on every letter that came out of his mouth.</p>
<p>I could see getting somebody to talk to him about anxiety. Do I just look for someone who’s a therapist? a cognitive behavioral therapist? Are there particular people who specialize in working with musicians? What’s a good way to find somebody to do this with us?</p>
<p>Momzie,
So much depends on the level of your son’s anxiety. Mild anxiety can often be managed by learning breathing techniques and mindfulness in a good yoga, alexander technique or martial arts class. More severe anxiety might benefit from a cognitive behavioral therapist/psychologist. Cognitive behavior simply refers to the style of therapy and does not necessarily refer to the skill or training of the professional. And very severe anxiety sometimes needs medication and therapy in order to be effective. In that case you would want to also work with a psychiatrist (who is somebody who has an MD). </p>
<p>It is tricky to say exactly what specialist you should seek out for this because depending on what part of the country you live in the training and title of somebody might vary. Also certification is only one way to measure how good somebody is. A therapist with a PhD might have a personality that just doesn’t mesh with your child’s while a more lay-therapist might be amazing. Universities and teaching hospitals tend to be good places to start But you also might ask around and see if you can find out who “performers” see in your area. Talk to Athletes as well. Don’t be afraid to move on from a practitioner if you or your child feel that they are not helping.</p>