<p>We suggested strongly over the years but in the end it was both of our children’s choice where they applied to and where they went so it became their responsibility. We had prepared financially since they were born so that wasn’t a concern but they knew it was a family effort and many things were sacrificed over the years for that to happen. They both did their part by getting accepted with merit money (not FA), maintaining their GPA to keep it all four years, and living frugally while in school (and I guess as a force of habit, afterwards).</p>
<p>Location has been a big factor in both my kids decision as to where they wanted to go to school. Older son fell in love with the University of Virginia but knowing how competitive it is for out of state students, I encouraged him to look at less competitive schools that had the same feel/look as UVA.</p>
<p>Younger son started the process looking for a school that had his particular major in the location that he wanted (urban campus that has a campus feel). </p>
<p>In both cases based on their tastes and needs, together we scoured books and the internet to formulate a list of schools to actually visit and apply.</p>
<p>Older S (high stats and a great athletic hook) had one school on his list - one of our State flagships. He’d wanted to go there since he was young. I kept suggesting other schools, mostly LACs. My suggestions fell on deaf ears. I got him to apply to one other school and he choose the flagship. </p>
<p>Second kid did all her own research starting in 10th grade. I would suggest similar schools for her to look at based on her preferences, and then, on merit possibilities. The final list was mainly her choices (one for Mom). The school she choose was one she discovered. </p>
<p>The main thing for us was just getting them enough exposure to different schools so they could kind of figure out what did/didn’t want. I think the the list more or less began to form itself out of that approach. The key to it all was starting early. </p>
<p>@sseamom ( I think i have your user name correct) I have been following this thread for a while now. The one thing that is clear to me is that you seem to be judging a great deal of parents and their children based on your personal experience. You do not have to understand anyone else’s kid(s), parent(s) or their particular relationship with their family. You have shared some particulars about your situation example: (your kid goes to a school that caters to low income children. If your kid is fortunate enough to obtain high stats then money may not half to be a main consideration for your family so your kid may be in a position to write her own ticket. If this is the case then I would say congratulations. But that is not going to be the case for every student and their family. Because they are not in your situation does not indicate that their children are any less capable than yours of making decisions or accomplishing what they deem important for their lives. So my suggestion for you would be to count your blessings and stop judging other families and their young adults. </p>
<p>One thing I enjoy about CC is that I’m exposed to all the many ways other people/families experience/approach decisions. Builds my own sense of options/empathy. </p>
<p>Proudmom, I didn’t know how involved parents could be with their teen and adult kids’ lives until I found CC. I actually thought most kids-high, low and middle income, did a pretty good bit of investigation of college/career options, regardless of where they went to school. I’ve got three kids and a passel of nieces/nephews who have gone to very different schools-you name it-elite, flagship, directionals, small private, large private, a community college or two and the military. Not one of them sat back and let their parents choose for them. And that hasn’t been the case for any young person I’ve ever known.</p>
<p>I’m not judging so much ad being baffled that a kid would just not CARE. And trust me, we know kids whose parents don’t, and haven’t been to college or know the first thing about it. Even THOSE kids do some of the college searching on their own. </p>
<p>My situation is very unusual. My two older kids had money from their dad’s family to go to college. They chose very different paths and asked for our input, though not our control. My ex certainly had the right to tell them the price points they had to consider, as did my siblings with their kids. My youngest is a different kind of kid. She is very self-directed, though not low-income (that is only a part of what her school helps to address). She is driven and high stats and will likely do well wherever she goes. But I’ve never said all kids need to be like her-or my military-joining son, or my niece who got a near full-ride at an elite college-when her father barely made it out of high school. The key for all of them is their work on what they wanted to do following high school, not what their parents told them to do. I’m sure it’s a very small group in which the kids do nothing but fill out the forms their parents direct them to. Most kids on CC, I’m sure, had some input at some point in the search. People here are judged for all kinds of things all the time-as are those they post about-friends, family, gift-givers, parents of babies lying in leaves for photos. THIS topic is one that just struck a nerve for me. </p>
<p>And, too late to edit-I do mean that kids having a part in their lists includes kids to ask teachers, counselors, older students, siblings and PARENTS for suggestions/help. I’ve never once suggested that parents should NOT help or offer input. </p>
<p>My D had a very clear idea of the type of school she wanted to go to; small LAC. Even though we think it would be good for her to be at a slightly larger school, she was adamant. So within that parameter, we and her GC helped her form her list and helped her visit many of the schools on her list. They type of school is totally her, but the specific schools on the list she had help with.</p>
<p>@montrosemom, that’s how we approached it, too. My d knew she wanted a small lac with with a good writing program, not Greek or preppy, liberal, and no women’s colleges. I made up a list and her counselor added some schools, we talked them through and then visited the most likely. </p>
<p>I think for me the whole idea of parents choosing their child’s college is a lot like arranged marriage or naming your child Trout Amandine: certainly it exists, but it’s statistically so insignificant in larger society that it really doesn’t signify. And it doesn’t involve me, so I really don’t need to understand it-- I just accept that it works for them, or it doesn’t, and move on.</p>
<p>" it doesn’t involve me, so I really don’t need to understand it-- I just accept that it works for them, or it doesn’t, and move on.
- Exactly. The thread was about being curious not about critisizing one way or another or understanding the reasons for different approach in different families or stating pros / cons of each. There are NO pros / cons, simply different ways for different people.</p>
<p>The initial question was choosing the Starting List, not the final list or the college attended. Some kids, especially the high stats kids aiming for the tippy top school or the kids who know they want the Big State U with lots of school spirit, make their own list. Many others are likely overwhelmed with understand the difference between a research U and a LAC, their chances, and what is unique about some schools. Parents probably spend more time talking to other parents who have been through the process and may have a better understanding of a good starting point. My kids were a bit overwhelmed by a big, thick book or endless websites. </p>
<p>In our case, the starting list came from us and really started out as a way to visit a number of different types of schools: big vs small, urban vs rural for example. The guidance counselor was not as helpful - most of the schools were already on the starting list or had been rejected by us. After visiting and more investigation, some of the initial schools came off the list and others were added by them. </p>
<p>My kids ultimately decided where to apply, with the understanding of financial constraints come decision time. Each has (or will) choose where to attend based on preference and finances. </p>
<p>“And mine DID pick their high schools, with our input and approval. Teenagers aren’t preschoolers. I believe they get a say in how they live their lives.”</p>
<p>Mine didn’t “get to pick a high school.” This is where we live, this is the public school system here, done and done. To go elsewhere would have required significant investment of time, effort and money that we weren’t going to be able to make. I, not giving up my job to schlep a kid downtown an hour each way for an elite high school when the public hs is perfectly fine. </p>
<p>We have (limited) public school choice here. My son went to an alternative HS with lots of hands-on opportunities and was inspired by an instructor to join the military. My older D choice between two within a short bus ride of our house and picked the one with a business mini-academy. The youngest is in a nearby district (also allowed here) at a specialized academy. It’s possible because I work only PT and involves a lot of driving but she has found her tribe and is thriving so it is 100% worth it. One of the things I love about Seattle is the ability to send my kids to exactly where they will thrive without going private.</p>
<p>But I wouldn’t have picked any of those HS without any input from them. We don’t always know exactly what makes them tick. HS or college, that’s really all I’ve been trying to say.</p>
<p>"But I wouldn’t have picked any of those HS without any input from them. "</p>
<p>But that’s my point. You work part-time so you had the luxury of being able to do that. I work full-time. Unless there was something awfully compelling – no, schlepping downtown for an hour each way twice a day to attend the better private schools wasn’t going to happen. That was the province of the ladies who lunch crowd.</p>
<p>“We don’t always know exactly what makes them tick. HS or college, that’s really all I’ve been trying to say.”</p>
<p>My kids picked their own ED choices, and my son’s ED choice was a school that we (parents) had taken off the table and he brought to us and put back on. </p>
<p>But a lot of kids and families just don’t care to the extent that we do on CC. For a lot of them, it’s simply … what are the nearby colleges that are affordable and offer the programs you want. Ok, there are 5. Apply, pick one and done. In that regard, does it really matter if parent identified the 5 or kid identified the 5?</p>
<p>Schlepping kids to private school is the province of the ladies who lunch crowd? Wow. I never knew I was a lady who lunched. I just thought I was someone who wanted my kids in the best school situation possible and was going to make it happen even though H and I both work full-time demanding jobs. Choices - 1) Buy a far more expensive house in an area with ridiculously high property taxes but good schools, have kids go to local public but H and I would each have commutes over 45 minutes to our jobs (limiting how involved we could be in school activities) or 2) Buy a cheaper house in an area with low property taxes and lousy public schools, but close to work, and put kids in Catholic school near our work (for K-8). The savings on mortgage and taxes paid quite a bit of the tuition costs, and the short commutes and proximity to school made for a much better quality of life, even though we did have to schlep the kids to school every day. My kids did have input in choosing their high school, as there were several private, charter, and magnet high schools to choose from. They ended up at Catholic high school 45 minutes away. Where I live, even public school parents often schlep their kids quite a ways to get public school options - whether that’s a STEM high school, school of the arts, language immersion, middle college, IB program. </p>
<p>You kind of have it backwards, PG. I don’t have the luxury of driving my D to her school because I only work PT, I choose to work PT BECAUSE I drive her to school. If she went to the school walking distance from my house, I’d be working FT. And when she leaves for college, I probably will do so again, if I can. Now, don’t get me wrong, I AM lucky because I can afford to only work PT. There was a time when she was little that it wasn’t possible. But I know several parents at D’s school who are anything but “ladies who lunch”. They work, sometimes in low-income service jobs, but they work out carpools or whatever they need to get their kids to an option type school. Private schools have scholarships too, so I’d be careful about assuming “ladies who lunch” even there.</p>
<p>I cared very much about where my kids went to school, but I just happened to have kids who wanted to do their own research and make their own lists. </p>
<p>I never said all parents who send their kids to private schools are “ladies who lunch.” I’m saying that in MY situation, if I were to send my kids to the elite private high schools in my city, that would require an hour commute downtown, an hour commute back out to my work, then an hour back into the city to pick them up and an hour back home again. Which wasn’t going to happen. I know some women who did do that – and they were precisely the ladies-who-lunch crowd, since they had nothing better to do than fritter away their time downtown shopping while their kids were at school. </p>