<p>I suppose I'm of the more upper end of things when it comes to all things spending at Columbia, but I know that I'm not alone. Please don't judge me based on the fact that my parents are rich and well connected, and decided to buy me a degree.</p>
<p>For housing, I own a 4-bedroom apartment on the 37th floor of the Trump Tower at Columbus Circle. I wake up each morning to the sounds of pleasant tranquility. Shortly before 11, as requested, my butler (not to be confused with cousin Nicholas Murray Butler) delivers breakfast. I tend to be simple in the morning hours. Nothing more than two eggs, hash browns, and toast will do. Of course, I settle for nothing less than freshly squeezed orange juice.</p>
<p>Realizing I still have over two hours before my first class (Physics for Poets), I generally take a seat in the personal imax home theatre my uncle got me over the break. After exercising to wii tennis and racing through three rounds of mariokart, I'll sit back for 30 minutes in the hot tub. My butler returns and reads to me the eleventh book of the Inferno and presents my completed homework for the day. It looks correct. I never settle for anything less, but as I've come to realize, every professor has his or her price.</p>
<p>While the 1 train and the urban peasantry await me underground, I naturally opt for the already waiting car service in the rotary. In fact, it turns out that Hans has been parked curbside all morning. At $500/hr, he doesn't mind. His refrigerator is always stocked with the finest imported wines. After a few sips turn into two whole glasses, I arrive at the 116th and Broadway gates. I usually slip security a few $20s so they'll allow Hans to drive onto College Walk.</p>
<p>I make it to 309 Havemayer a whole ten minutes before class. My reserved plush seat in the third row hasn't been touched since last class. As the other children enter, some ask for autographs and photos, while others want to know if they can be included in my weekly shin-dig downtown. The professor then walks in and shakes my hand, telling me "not to worry" if my homework wasn't done and that I have "nothing to worry about" when it comes to the midterm. After ten minutes, I subtly sneak out as my body-double takes my place via the trap-door that leads directly to a red carpeted portion of the tunnel system. There, I again fire up the wii that has been prepared for me and play through Zelda (with Hans) until the class is ready to end.</p>
<p>I usually don't make the evening class (History of Feminism). My grade (A+) was mysteriously posted to SSOL only days after registering last semester. To be fair, I signed up thinking of how great it would be to spend an entire semester with attractive, strong, independent, beautiful Barnard women. Unfortunately, I found only ugly loud-mouth lesbians. Are they representative of the school? Perhaps.</p>
<p>In the evening, I retreat back to the library at my apartment. My butler reads me the twelfth book of the Inferno. I wonder how low they can go. It's all so confusing, so I ask him to stop. I realize that this second semester of Literature Humanities won't be a problem now that my little pee-on grad instructor now has a season subscription to the Knicks. Courtside. Next to Spike.</p>
<p>It's only 10. The night is young. I ask Hans to drive me downtown where I'll spend a few hours in various VIP rooms. On this night, I ran into "Linds" (Lohan). After a few drinks, the sickly pale girl passed out on the bar. Not cool. I then found Marvelous Mikey (Mussina) at a sports bar nearby. We chatted up our disdain for the underclass and black people. It was grand. In all, about $2,500 was spent in those two hours downtown.</p>
<p>Shortly before 1, Hans dropped me off back home. The doorman (Marvin) informs me that my new iPhone arrived in the afternoon. While it won't be available to the public for another few months, "Brother SJ" hooked me up.</p>
<p>It's almost 3 in the morning, and I have to be up for class at 4 in the afternoon (Literature Humanities). It's been a long and typical day, and must come to an end.</p>
<p>Total money spent in one day: $14,952 (includes Hans, dining, clubbing, tipping, daily rent, and two classes attended).</p>