Cutting ties with overbearing parents?

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>I know the thread title sound a little mean or extreme, but please hear my side of the story before you make an assumption.</p>

<p>I come from a family where I am the only child. My parents can be nice people to those they know, and I'm grateful that they've put up with taking care of me for all these years, but sometimes throughout my life I cannot but feel appalled at their actions. Since I was always young, they've always told me to "make friends with the right people," and get suspicious/angry if I've made a friend that they did not approve of because my friend just "doesn't look smart and serious" to them, even if they get straight A's and are officers of well-respected clubs.</p>

<p>Now that I'm in college, I can still feel them exerting their influence on me. Shockingly, I find myself repeating my parent's beliefs on a few occasions, when I so vehemently disagree with them. My parents never cease to remind me to "never go into other guys' rooms" because obviously all guys are evil and will take advantage of me. My mom also thinks I don't know how to take care of myself and always asks me if I've studied/showered/eaten dinner yet. And best of all, both of my parents are always wondering why I'm not "studying pharmacy or engineering" because it's obvious if I'm not in one of those fields, I'm going to be poor and homeless after I graduate. They even made fun of me when I told them I was thinking of having music as a minor, even though they know a minor is not as intensive as a second major.</p>

<p>I feel really stressed that they're always telling me what to do with my life, and I want them to stop it, but no matter how many times I tell them straight out, they don't listen. I know they love me and don't want me to fall into bad habits, but I still can't deny that I'm hurt everytime they don't support my dreams/goals or tell me things that contradict what I believe in.</p>

<p>What should I even do? I thought college was about freedom and making your own choices, not being stuck to your parents like a mini-clone. Is it even possible that I can let them back off and see that I can be an independent woman capable of taking on the world?</p>

2

<p>How close are you to home? </p>

<p>I used to deal with stuff like that. I went to school an hour from home, then I transferred to a school thats a 5 hour drive away, and its not a big deal anymore. I still talk to my parents a lot, but things are different now. I think they realize there isn’t a whole lot they can do since I’m so far from home.</p>

3

<p>Be patient. In time, your parents’ views will have much less of a hold on you. What you’re describing sounds fairly typical of overprotective parents of only children. You are growing up, and it will take them a bit longer to realize it.<br>
My mom was very much like yours when I went away to college- and I went to school in Hawaii just to get as far away as possible! :slight_smile: She would call, and if I wasn’t home in the early morning, or I didn’t come home at night, she wanted to know where I was. In time, I was able to see the concern for what it was and not let it get to me. Now, my mom is 83, I’m a middle aged adult, and she still asks me if I’m ok, or what I’m having for dinner. Poor mom- she will always see me as her little girl- even though I’m 60 years old!</p>

<p>The only time she really gets to me now is when she starts in on a political issue that I don’t agree with. I see her as somewhat bigoted and narrow-minded. It’s partly a generational thing, but it still makes me crazy. Now that I have children of my own, I realize that all of the overprotective concern is out of love, and nothing more. Your parents do care about your dreams, but they are just so afraid that things will not be perfect (what is perfect, in their terms) for you that they become a bit overbearing. They will learn to let go, but it will come in stages. Hang in there!</p>

4

<p>I find that the less I see my parents, the better I get along with them. I commuted 3 out of my 4.5 years in college. I lived away for 1 year, and I got along great with my mom (my dad and I don’t really talk at all, even though he lives in the same house, they’re not divorced). They didn’t really approve of college, period. Wanted me to go into some trade and not waste so much time on college. But at the same time my mom does not want me to even move out of the house! (I’m graduated now). She’s terrified I’ll move away, but we simply don’t get along.</p>

<p>Anyway, my point is that your relationship may change, for better or worse, once you’re out on your own with a job. Just focus on what you love and don’t let them live your life for you.</p>

5

<p>Yeah, I’m in a similar situation. I love them dearly and all, but sometimes I just have to step away to think. It’s definitely a factor in my decision to try to apply OOS.</p>

6

<p>I totally understand where you’re coming from. The worst part came a few weeks ago. I’d been keeping a blog as a form of journaling and de-stressing, but my parents also had the blog address, so it was also a way of keeping them up-to-date on what was going on. Me wanting to get them out of my hair, I censored my blog entries a lot, but a few weeks ago, my dad sent me this long, nasty note via facebook saying I couldn’t call my dorm my home because it made it seem like I preferred being away from my family (which I do), and I couldn’t liken my dorm mates to big brothers and sisters, and that I needed to start writing about more spiritual things to “ease their mind” and make sure that everyone at my church back home would know that my parents had raised a good Christian girl and that I shouldn’t be hanging out with guys and that I shouldn’t be playing video games because I should be studying all the time, and it just broke me. I cried a lot, for a long time, and I would get stressed any time I even heard the word “home” or “family.” Looking at a computer would freak me out, because then I’d remember about facebook and my blog that I now had to censor even more, and think up better stuff to write to please my parents. I’d even be scared every time my phone vibrated because it might be my family. My productivity went way down and I was in a constant state of stress. But finally, my friend talked some sense into me. I’m not an extension of my parents, and (in his words)I have two options to deal with the pressure and control they try to put on me. I can either 1) not care, or 2) not care. So after about a week of emotional wreckage, I picked myself up and started to recreate myself and the information flow between me and my parents. I sat down and logged myself off of facebook and my blog. I blocked facebook from myself. I made a new blog under a different email address that my parents didn’t know. My parents used to message me every day on facebook, but now I can’t see them because I don’t let myself go on facebook. I don’t blog anymore on the one that my parents know about. When they call, I tell them very minimal stuff, and make it seem as though I live a very boring life, and end the conversation quickly. </p>

<p>Don’t be afraid to start blocking them from your life. You’re responsible for yourself now, and they need to respect that. My parents still haven’t gotten the memo, though I’d told them outright multiple times before, but at least now I don’t freak out every time I get near a computer (obviously). They’re on a need-to-know basis. Give them the bare minimum. If they call, and try to give you the rundown of the rules again, (this is what I do) say , “yes, mom/dad, I know” and change the subject. My parents have always been against me having guy friends, and always got mad if I talked to a guy without having someone else there to “supervise.” (Just an FYI, I’ve never had a boyfriend, kissed a guy, had sex, whatever, but it’s because I’ve never wanted to. I’m starting to think I’m asexual. But the point is, I’ve never done anything questionable that would make this doubt they have about me rational) And now, they know (from my old blog posts and facebook pictures) that I hang out with guys on a regular basis, especially since I have a male-dominated major (Computer Game Science), and every time they call, they’re all, “Hey, don’t be around guys because [insert statement about how I’m going to get raped/seduced/pregnant and how they can’t trust me around the other gender]” but I always interrupt them and say, “yes, I know. By the way, I have a math midterm on Friday” or something to that extent. They used to try to keep pushing the subject, but as time went on, if I intentionally push aside a subject, they’ve gotten better at leaving it alone. I figure that I’m an adult now. And they have to realize that they can’t be there to make my decisions for me. You need to break in your parents to this idea. </p>

<p>Feel free to message me if you ever need to rant or talk or whatever! I’m always open! :D</p>

7

<p>Take a moment to put yourself in their shoes. From birth until the day you moved to campus, their priority was to take care of you. Now you’re gone and they’re grieving like most freshman parents when their first (or only) child leaves home. It truly is like a family death.</p>

<p>I am grieving along with many of my freshman son’s friends mothers. And to perfectly honest, I feel the exact same grief as I did when my husband died 16 years ago. (nightmares, 10 lb. weight loss, anxiety, etc.)</p>

<p>So here’s my suggestion FWIW (but is working for me and my son): each side should take baby steps; no cord cutting. We’ve set clear boundaries of ‘I won’t ask X because he won’t tell’. He keeps in contact via texts and an occasional call but also realizes that he still needs help at times from me. He also understands my pain and I understand his desire for freedom. </p>

<p>You’re an adult now so talk to your parents like an adult. Have a frank discussion with them about boundaries, negotiate a compromise, and set a flexible set of rules for BOTH sides.</p>

<p>If it helps, make a list of what bugs you and discuss those issues. But in return, you will relay X information to them and contact them X times per week/month, etc. If they are reasonable, they will understand because they desperately want to be part of your life because you are the love of their life!</p>

<p>Don’t cut the cord and cause them even more pain but try to find a balance! Remember… baby steps!</p>