Hi everyone please forgive me if this is the wrong spot for this post.
My Daughter is a high school senior and was accepted into Penn State it was the only school on her “list” we currently live in Washington State so she will be about of state student the fafsa says we need to contribute 27,000 for her to go there. We have explained it to her every which way that there is no way we can do that. She is now trying to convince us to get loans (my husband took a pay cut, we are tight on money and have two other children (5,8)
She is “book smart” 3.8 gpa AP English but her understanding of life how money works and in general common sense is not that great. I am not trying to talk bad about her, but she expects things to be handed to her, her grandmother (fathers side) put it in her head that we had a college fund which we don’t (I feel really bad, but money has been tight for a while) I have told her since 8th grade she need to get scholarships if she really wanted to go to school.
She has no drive she expected us to give her my husbands vehicle which it just cracked a head gasket $$ and insurance for her is expensive I have asked her to get a job if she wants to drive to help pay she doesn’t want to. She is 18 and her only answer is to get a loan. I have asked her to apply instate it would be almost free and my husband will let her is his GI bill (he wants to further is education) but would give it up for her and she says no.
She also wants us to pay the 350$ for reserving her spot to Penn state that is non refundable.
I am beyond stressed with this and she is making our house very tense with this.
Can someone give me some advice or suggestions on convincing her to look elsewhere please??
Also when asked how she is getting to the school she has no clue, I don’t have a clue either, she is lost in this world that has just her in it and doesn’t realize there is 4 other people in this family and we have to survive.
I do apologize for this sounding horrible about her,but I have tried to talk to her like a adult and have a serious conversation about this and she just gets upset and crying then runs to her room. She is still a child in so many ways and wants to live thousand miles away with no plan if something were to happen we couldn’t go to her… thank you in advance for the help and allowing me to vent.
Our twins visited, liked, applied, accepted and tonight saw their financial aid ($7,000 each part loan/part grant). They took Penn State off the list and were good about it. But we’ve told them for years, small debt, we don’t have college savings plans, we will help some but not co-signing large loans. They have two instate options with good scholarships and possible private. Can your daughter still apply to Washington? They are highly ranked. Is Penn State the only school she applied? Will she start at community college? I wouldn’t cave to tears, it will hurt you financially. Wish you luck.
You do not need to “convince” your D. You just ask her how she is going to finance her schooling. You do not need to get loans, especially when family finances are tight. If she wants to go there she needs to find her own way to pay. Mistakes made along the way if she does not have a more affordable (eg instate) option. Too late to change that.
It is not the end of the world despite her feelings. There is a reason so many of the best students end up at heir own state flagship. I did- a whole 8 miles away (and a world apart), did NOT want to go there but ended up loving it.
btw- the distance is not the obstacle. Nephew went 2000 miles (WI to WA)- his parents went to see him when he broke his arm playing club soccer (he broke the other arm doing the same ten years later- happened to end up at the same hospital). He ended up working a lot and obtained instate residency. Wish they had told us since we could have helped.
Stay strong and do not cave in to her unrealistic expectations. She will survive. You need to keep yourself afloat financially.
Penn State was a dream but the facts do not make it the reality. I do not recommend that she plan on working a lot to afford school, it takes away some of the experience.
You just say no. You don’t have the money. She doesn’t have the money. she is limited in the amount of money she can borrow on her own (usually $5500 for the first year).
Sending in the $350 is just throwing it away.
Does she have a guidance counselor who could help her see reason, that going to an OOS public school is really, really expensive.
I second the motion for her to discuss with her HS guidance counselor. The GC’s job will be to help her deal with the financial realities (not to tell you to go into debt) so she does not crash the rest of this school year. The third party can be the voice of reason for her, too many family emotions apparent right now. You can find a way to have her discuss her options with a school resource. I’m sure right now she is dealing with much more than stated. Needing to tell friends she can’t afford to go…
She should never have been allowed to apply, that's a shame. If she hasn't applied for an instate 4 yr and it is too late, her option is CC (or a gap year and get a job and reapply). If this was my kid it would be an commutable school option, not sleepaway school. She hasn't got merit worthy stats? Then it is what it is. 3.8 GPA and one AP but what test scores? I assume she is not a candidate for UW? What about lower tier schools that still have applications open? Any commutable options?
Frankly, if she is in a public school like my kids, her GC has better stuff to do. Sit down, cool heads, lay it all out. Don’t engage in anything else. If she is a terrific student then UW is a great school to turn her nose up at. If she is mediocre, starting at CC will be a terrific option. If she is a horror, then maybe she picks plan C (get a job). Is your DH her father? That is a big age gap to the younger kids.
Explain to her that people must qualify for loans and your financial situation is bad so you don’t qualify. Therefore you can’t take loans for her.
Hopefully she’ll understand it better if you tell her it’s the way financial institutions work.
Right now she seems to think, based on your description, that you’re just being difficult but if she pleads long enough you’ll cave. Switch it: you’re not being difficult. You’re telling her that you are not eligible because you’re financially hurting already and thus aren’t allowed to get further into debt because your debt to income ratio doesn’t make it possible. She can whine against the law but hopefully she’ll stop whining at you.
She does qualify for 5.5k in loans. So she can take that. She needs to look for colleges that accept applications and will be affordable, or take a Gap year.
Does she have other options that are affordable? I think the time for being reasonable has passed. I think at this juncture you accept the fact that she will spend a fair amount of time in her room crying. It’s for her own good. Having bankrupt parents does her no good and she would likely find herself in the same situation after graduation. Play the Rolling Stones “You Can’t Always Get what You Want” the key line is "if you try, sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need. I say this tongue in cheek but I’ve sung that to my kids in partial jest a few times.
Did she apply to any other schools? Penn State is going to cost a lot more than $27,000 a year. They will not meet your fafsa EFC.
Tell her that you can contribute X amount of money per year and will not/can’t afford any loans. She can take out $5500 on her own the first year, and can save some money from a job. This total is what she will have for college unless she also gets some merit.
Ignore the crying. Most kids don’t get to attend their top choice… some don’t get in, some don’t have the money. Hopefully she has an affordable option and if not… she can take a gap year.
Well I’m going to be harsh. Good grief - be a parent! You told her you could not afford it but you let her apply anyway. That was a mistake. Now she thinks she is entitled to go there. Tell her absolutely no.
If she does not have any affordable choices then she takes a gap year and applies to schools you can afford. In the meantime she gets a full-time job. Non-negotiable.
@curcollmom , first, I am sorry that you are hurting (because I know when our kids hurt, we hurt too). A lot of 18 year olds have no concept of money until they have to earn it themselves. I would agree with the Guidance Counselor suggestion. I would also set up a “family meeting” (preferably at a public location and without your other kids) with her and your hubby and you and ask her to bring to that meeting a list of pros and cons of Penn State and also for her to research a closer option and have pros and cons of that school. Tell her before you will even have one more conversation with her about Penn State, this must be done. Make her see everything on paper, the dollar amounts too. Before the meeting with her have your own financial info ready with how much you CAN afford to help her with and also have an option to ask for a deferral from Penn State for a year (not sure you can do that, but you can try), and explain that during that deferral year, she has to work full time and save as much money as possible to make that dream a reality. Once she is earning her own money, she will see how hard it is to pay for things and how much time it takes to save a small amount of money. One time I sat down and calculated out how much minimum wage earners took home and how much it would cost to live on that for my daughter. Seeing it on paper in black and white makes a huge difference. Good luck! She will come around if you stand strong and can handle the crying for a little while. (Also, check into her taking CLEP tests to test out of classes so she won’t have to take them at college therefore saving money on tuition in the long run.)
I think it’s fine to let kids apply to schools with the understanding that if the finances don’t work, you cannot go there. Plenty of kids do this every year without resorting to tantruming after finding out a school is not going to work.
Sounds like this is a kid that could use a gap year to work a menial job and possibly starts at a community college.
Just tell her that Penn State is out of the question financially. You do NOT owe it to your D to take out loans and go into debt for her to attend an OOS school. If she has no other choices, she either needs to look for cheaper schools or take a gap year and work.
One of my S17’s friend’s mother’s kept urging my son to apply to Penn State. When I got wind of that, I called her and asked where I could send the tuition bills. She shut up quick.
I understand how your D feels. I got into schools like Syracuse and BU (I wanted to be a journalist back in the day), but my parents wouldn’t/couldn’t help me, so I wound up at the CUNY school 10 minutes away from home. I survived.
My kids all attended either CUNY or SUNY. I told them I would pay up to a SUNY’s costs but they were responsible for anything over that. My D thought she could make the $8K difference for the first year with loans, work and savings, but when she sat down and figured out how she would cover the second year, she realized it was a gamble and opted for a SUNY, which she loved. She advised S17 (8 years younger) not to even consider OOS publics.
Good luck. I know it is difficult and I know it from both sides.
It’s anecdotes like this that reinforce the need for parents to determine what they will contribute before the applications go out and discuss it with their kids. It may not have prevented the disappointment but it would have eliminated the need to justify any decision (which frankly doesn’t need any justification). I never limited where my kids applied but being able to consider a school for acceptance meant two things had to happen, they had to be accepted and it had to be affordable based on the parameters we set up. They knew that going in and they knew their financial parameters.
Given the circumstances it’s probably too late to expect her to understand or be reasonable about this. However, don’t give in!! That would be disastrous!
Your husband sounds wonderful and generous. I’m confused why penn state when washington has such great schools. (Friends?). However you have til may 1 to pay right? Wait til your financial aid comes in. It will probably be more than 27000. Think about asking penn state for a gap year and have D work. In the meantime make her take a class on financial planning. Surprised that schools dont teach it more but they don’t.
It is tough on parents when you can’t afford your kids choice, but many parents and students face this. The bottom line is that the answer is that you can’t afford it (unless financial aid comes through miraculously). Did she not apply anywhere else? If not, that is really a shame but she will have to deal with that reality. She cannot take out enough loans to pay for Penn state. She can take a gap year or go to community college.
As to putting this on the guidance counselor, the GC may be able to talk to her about being realistic, but may not be willing or able to talk about specifics of the parents finances. However, you may want to go to a family therapist to assist you in talking to her and to figuring this out.
She will ultimately be fine, but you are probably in for a rough year if she did not apply anywhere affordable.