<p>I also agree with marite. If a bf/gf want to spend time together or even spend the night together, it doesn't matter if they are in the same dorm, same college, or same state. They will make it happen.</p>
<p>However, I think going off to the same college with your HS boyfriend can be an issue. But for the OP, that is ALREADY an existing situation. The dorm location seems minor to me. I see an issue about going off to the same college, however.</p>
<p>Actually CGM, there is a lot less drama, gossip etc. in college than in High School. No one is 16 anymore thank goodness.</p>
<p>They're at the same college. Chances are they'd hang out and be in each other's rooms regardless of where they were individually assigned anyway.</p>
<p>The drama depends on the participants- I am talking drama between the couple and having seen and heard about high school sweet hearts and such going to college together not being the best thing, just wanted to put in my two cents</p>
<p>Sure it can work out fine, but it really depends on the maturity of the couple, beleive it or not, many college kids have issues with jealousy, boundaries, space, insecurity....</p>
<p>So the girl and the boy should at the very beginning be very clear on boundaires, time spent together and apart etc.</p>
<p>But hanging out with each other is not the same as living in the same buidling, seeing each other in the elevator, the bathrooms, the halls</p>
<p>For ME, I would find it annoying</p>
<p>You've had your talk about responsible sex...yes?</p>
<p>How an unwanted pregnancy can alter her life?</p>
<p>That's all you can do, really.. the rest is kinda not necessary.</p>
<p>Whether it's an old bf or a new bf in college they are on their own. You can either be so bugged by it drives a wedge into your relationship with your D. Or you can accept it as part of growth and be a reasonable voice of advice. </p>
<p>Besides who says kids will only have sex at night? There's alot of free time during the day. </p>
<p>You've spent 18 years developing a sense of virtue in your D. Time to see how it works out.</p>
<p>just see if you can send her another week. </p>
<p>I tend to agree with JHS here. You're setting yourself up for failure. </p>
<p>I'm a little put off by the non-christain snubb about the boy. You do realize christian boys like the Sex too don't you? :) And they are less likely to practice safe sex as well because of the spur of the momment possibility.</p>
<p>wow that posted to the wrong spot.</p>
<p>If they are going to Berkeley, they could be technically in the same dorm, but not in the same building- Clark Kerr has several different buildings, same with the units, so unless you know the exact building, you may not fully understand how concerned to be.</p>
<p>I tapped into my memory bank and all I could withdraw was remembering how, at a small college, after breaking up (or being broken up with), I'd very consciously change my walking patterns to and from buildings. We all knew exactly which paths we followed to get everywhere, but the campus was a grid with many alternative routes. With a new path, I didn't bump into Him. After some weeks, I forgot about Him, usually because I'd become interested in another Him. Hm.</p>
<p>Here's what I think I'd do in your situation. First, neither you nor I really can envision these big universities (elevators?..I don't know from that). I'd sit with her and say, "YOU are in charge of your college life. Not me, not him. Before you dismiss this, that it doesn't matter, you might want to get some more information while you can still request a change. STOP! I didn't say you had to request a change, I said, get some more information!
Which floors are you on?
Is there a social lounge? Is the lounge by floor or for the whole dorm?
How many elevators?
Are the bathrooms going to be coed?
Where are your room assignments within the building?</p>
<p>Once you know this, then imagine how YOU will handle these predictable situations:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>You fall deeply in love by October 1 and decide to be married right after college 4 years later. If that's going to be IT, then stop right here, your life has just become more convenient...but if you think it could go ANY way other than that, then listen further...</p></li>
<li><p>You want to make some new friends, male and female. Everyone in the dorm will know the two of you are a couple, probably within the first week. So, when you spontaneously have a coffee with a new male friend, it gets back to your boyfriend, as if you did something wrong. He has to "defend" you and discuss the terms of your old relationship to newly forming friends. You have to "explain" to him "it didn't mean anything."
After a round or two of these, most boys in the dorm will be leery of having coffee with you, even just to discuss a class. Do YOU want that for YOU? or for your relationship with him?</p></li>
<li><p>If you break up, but there are lounges, social places, cafeteria, vending machines, w/e within the dorm, you'll have to tiptoe around those places or cut yourself off from them. If he doesn't you'll have to, until the feelings change. That's not the end of the world, just adds to the discomfort and prolongs rebounding from a breakup. Do YOU want that for YOU, or for him? </p></li>
<li><p>If there's an elevator, and he broke up with you and you didn't even want to break up, and you get onto the elevator one morning to find him there with his arms around a girl, how long do you think that elevator ride will feel? </p></li>
<li><p>If ANY of these sound bad, then maybe you want to call the university and have yourself put in a different building nearby. YOU CAN STILL SEE EACH OTHER, this isn't breaking up. Think about it...and you decide if you want to change it beforehand to keep things airy and breatheable between you now.
Most people would say it's your best chance to maintain the relationship, btw.
Think about it..and if you want, just call the university and get yourself moved.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>(Notice that I structure this so she can decide without consulting him, or you.)</p>
<p>I always end my conversations with my kids, "think about it..." to emphasize that they're in charge of the decision. They really are.</p>
<p>I think this has nothing to do with sleeping together, virtue, etc. etc. To me it's the prevention of psychodrama, it has to do with moods and feelings of their emotions. Respect that. Don't insult them by suggesting this has anything to do with sex, because it'll happen with or without the dorm proximity. </p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>I don't have any advice but I understand your concerns!</p>
<p>I guess the other way to look at it is that there are plenty of students who first meet their BF/GF while at the dorm, often the same floor, so your situation would be similar or maybe not quite as extreme as this. </p>
<p>You may want to avoid reading the threads about coed dorm rooms!</p>
<p>I completely understand where you are coming from. My D & her b/f are also going to the same college - don't have dorm assignments yet but I am concerned about them getting the same dorm. Same reasons as many listed here - will she get the college experience were hoping for, will she make as many friends if they are together all the time. paying3tuitions really summed up so well many of the concerns I have. I may try running some of those scenarios by my D. Sigh.</p>
<p>I can see the OP's perspective. I wouldn't be happy, mainly because I'd worry that my child wouldn't be getting the whole new experience thing and branching out. </p>
<p>College is all about fielding different challenges, and I guess your daughter will be learning to manage her new life with her bf near by. This will be an opportunity to do some coaching, advising, and listening about this topic along the way if she seeks your councel.</p>
<p>I really like paying3tuitions approach. It is likely, though, that the students are not thinking about any of this right now. Too much excitement and newness. But, if the discussion takes place now, when the sh....hits the fan, maybe she will call and talk about it. </p>
<p>By the way, (years ago) when I was at a big UC and bf was at another big UC 200 miles south, he drove up EVERY weekend and we (shock!) spent the weekends together in my dorm room. Sophomore year, he transferred to my UC. We spent the next 3 years together. Then, I grew up and went to grad school 3000 miles away............and that was the end of that. </p>
<p>I think I may have missed out on a lot of fun in college. Tell your D this.</p>
<p>I actually am not into a HS bf and gf going off to the same college. Some of the issues brought up in the last few posts apply. However, in this particular case, the "couple" are going to the same college. That is a given. Again, would not be something I'd be too thrilled about. But since they already are doing this, I don't see the issue as to which dorm they live in as being all that key. The bigger issue was choosing to go to the same college.</p>
<p>My husband and I started dating right after high school and also attended the same college. It worked out great for us. We didn't have any problems, made our own friends, and also kept mutual friends. </p>
<p>My son and his high school girlfriend attend the same college, and their dorms were next door to each other last year. They have forged their own friendships, and they are very comfortable with making their own way and don't feel they have to spend every moment together. They do some things together and other things apart. It's a very healthy relationship. </p>
<p>It really depends on the kids in question.</p>
<p>There's another side to this (a couple, actually).</p>
<p>My daughter had a kind of rough social adjustment at her college -- it took her a long time to make good friends. Her boyfriend attends a college in another city, which is a 5+ hour trip by bus -- so they have spent they year visiting each other on alternate weekends, taking turns as to which kid visits each campus. I am not sure that the weekend visit thing has helped at all -- perhaps life would have been easier for my d. had her boyfriend been nearer. </p>
<p>Back when I was in college, I ended up finding a boyfriend who lived in my dorm about midway through the year -- so naturally we pretty much roomed together and we were a couple for the remainder of my undergraduate years. Like bloocroo I might have missed out on a lot of fun once I isolated myself in a single relationship -- but ucsd<em>ucla</em>dad's point holds: if they don't arrive with a boyfriend, it may only be a matter of weeks or months before they find one, and if anything, a new relationship is more distracting than an established one.</p>
<p>So I think this all falls into the general "romance" category: there is no such thing as a relationship that leaves adequate time for studying and outside socializing, and also meets with parental approval .... and biology seems to propel our kids towards romantic liaisons no matter what we do ... so this has to be chalked up simply one of those complexities of real life. </p>
<p>I mean, face it -- most of us parents are or were married at one time, and I'll bet just about all of us had times when our love life really interfered with our plans for school and career, or at least made it hard to juggle the two. Such is life.</p>
<p>P. S. They are both Seniors at Cal now! And after some on/off periods they are STILL together! Even survived her study abroad… go figure!</p>
<p>You should not worry about this… they are adults and can take their responsibilities.</p>
<p>Thanks-- this is and old thread I wrote when they were freshmen-- it was a bit disconcerting at that point- I just wanted to add the post script as to how it all worked out…</p>
<p>I love this, wecandothis! You never know how things will turn out…and I’m so glad this turned out so well!</p>