<p>D has been involved in an individual sport and has done well in the last two yrs. This is the year most kids in this sport "turn it up a notch" for recruitment. She was on this track until this just recently. She's been talking about how she's more into "academics" and that she may not be interested in devoting so much time to this sport. She says she doesn't want to miss out on high school life. So, she seems to be trying to make a choice between school (academics) and sports.
Well, I know what some of you are thinking, that she's making her decision and you want to tell me - just let her! :) But she also talks about her friend, who happens to be her main competition in this area. She just left the school and is now playing the sport "24/7" and is on independent study. I think D feels a little threatened by this and may be making excuses.<br>
It's hard to tell if she's just scared about the whole recruitment scene. She's good, but is working on consistency. She has an instructor who really believes in her but does she believe in herself? I want to discuss this with her but i don't want to ask the wrong questions!</p>
<p>What grade is she in? Also, you might want to post this over on the Athletic Recruits area under College Admissions to connect with other parents of athletes, and athletes themselves. Very supportive, helpful community over there…</p>
<p>She’s a soph and is taking honors classes (AP starts in jr. yr).</p>
<p>My D gave up gymnastics when she got to hs for the same reasons - she wanted to enjoy hs life and do well academically, and gymnastics was just too demanding. She switched to sports that she could do at school - wrestling (yikes - terrifying for her mom) and track and field - jumping/vaulting events. She ultimately gave up wrestling (thankfully) to concentrate on pole vault. She’s still competing very successfully on her DIII college team. She looked at competing at a DI level but didn’t feel she was good enough and probably more importantly didn’t want to make that kind of time commitment. </p>
<p>You could take a preliminary look at some of the colleges that your D is interested in and see if they have a less intense option. Maybe she could do the sport at a DIII or club level rather than DI. If she feels like she has some less intense options she might want to continue her sport at her own pace and not try to keep up with the crazy Olympic hopeful types.</p>
<p>My D’s coach always said that it’s supposed to be fun. If it stops being fun she should stop. Having DIII track and field has been perfect for my D - gives her a regularly scheduled workout, a whole different group of friends, and something to strive for that isn’t just academic.</p>
<p>MarinMom, good advice. There is one school D is interested in that’s Div III. My understanding is that she would have to apply and get in before being tapped for the team. I read that on the athletics thread. I will post there, too.</p>
<p>How about a similar, but less time-consuming sport? </p>
<p>I know a senior who was truly tops in gymnastics, but the schedule started to tire her. She switched to diving, and has now made top-top levels, and highly recruited. She also tried diving because the team was more cohesive and less stressful.</p>
<p>It really depends on the college and the sport how much clout the coaches have with admissions. In my D’s case the coach tried like mad to recruit her, including calls and a letter to Admissions. Admissions would never have accepted her if they weren’t leaning in that direction anyway, but you never know, it could have been the deciding factor that pushed her into the admit column.</p>
<p>Athletics might help her with admissions at many schools, but that’s putting the cart before the horse. If she doesn’t want to do her sport anymore in high school, what would make us think she wants to do it in college where the time commitment and dedication required are often much greater than in high school? lilmom, I think your best bet is to try and get a look inside your daughter’s head. How to facilitate that? When is she most likely to talk? On a walk, when another friend is around, in the car? This is a critical conversation. Once she walks away from the sport, that will likely be the end of it. That might be OK, or it might be a hasty decision. Don’t encourage her to stay with it to get into college, though. That’s not enough of a reason. She has to want to compete in college so badly that she’ll make all sorts of sacrifices to make it happen.</p>
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<p>This is quite a dilemma.</p>
<p>I actually think that it is too easy an answer to say “just quit if you aren’t having fun.” There are plenty of things where it is well worth remaining in contention, so to speak, even if it isn’t “fun” right now. My mantra with kids is “keep your options open.”</p>
<p>It sounds as if your D may indeed be experiencing a crisis of confidence more than a real desire to give up the sport.</p>
<p>You have to tread very lightly. There’s an article about Michelle Kwan in [url=<a href=“http://www.boston.com%5DBoston.com%5B/url”>http://www.boston.com]Boston.com[/url</a>] that your D might find interesting. Kwan is currently a graduate student at Tufts at the Fletcher School. She had to make choices when younger about whether to pursue her sport full time and put academics on hold, or not. Her father advised her that there are things that you have to do at a certain time in your life, and things that you can do later. (Kwan’s sister Karen, also a very talented skater, left the sport much earlier. Diffrent strokes, and all that.) I think the metaphor they use is getting on and off the train at various stops.</p>
<p>For most kids, thinking about college while still a sophomore is a little premature. That said, I understand it can be different for those with intense pursuits such as music or sports, because there are decisions to be made about commitment at every stage of the game.</p>
<p>All I can say is that with our daughter, who is a dancer, I tend to urge her to stop, or to try other things. The reason I do this is that dance requires a huge amount of commitment, passion and discipline. I feel as if it needs to be able to withstand questioning. The fact that she pushes back by saying “of course I can’t stop dance” or “no, I don’t want to try an art class, it would take away from my time in dance class.” etc., then I feel better about her single-minded pursuit, and the sacrifices it requires of her.</p>
<p>I would tell your daughter that it is okay with you if she decreases her sport activity, or even stops entirely.That it is up to her, and there are many other things to explore during high school years. If she persists anyway, then you can feel good about it and not wonder if it is the right path. This also keeps the motivation coming from her, not anyone else, which feels better as they get older, believe me.</p>
<p>I worried so much about our daughter missing out on normal high school life. But every time I try to talk to her about it, she says “are you kidding, my life is so much better because of dance.”</p>
<p>By senior year, if she is still doing her sport, you probably want your daughter to feel the same way, and not have regrets. So questioning is good, and it is a chance for her to commit on her own terms, and “own” the commitment.</p>
<p>Rather than talk to your D, it might be more helpful to her if SHE were to talk to YOU, and for you to ask her questions that she can think about, not necessarily answer on the spot. Since this is an optional activity, it’s important for her to figure out what it means to her to continue or to quit, and why. It will help her if she sees you as a sounding board rather than someone with an agenda. If she genuinely has lost interest, it hardly matters whether she continues or not since, as someone pointed out, why would she want to continue in college?</p>
<p>My D was on the swim team and she stuck it out until just before the last meet. She just couldn’t stomach it anymore, and she actually felt good about staying with it all season long (swimming is a looong season). By that point, she had proven to herself that she had the tenacity and personal, emotional, and physical strength to stick with it. She couldn’t have cared less about the final meet. And since swimming is more or less a solo sport, she didn’t worry about letting down her team.</p>
<p>I have had both a Division I athlete and one who quit sports as a sophomore in high school. The one who quit filled his time with other things and had a somewhat more relaxed HS & college life. The athlete went on to compete in college, which is like working a full time job while in school. I would say that the athlete, who ended up leaving the team due to injury, had it much harder in college in some ways, even with the perks that come with being an athlete. I was thinking today about how I wished I had my current perspective back when my kids were in high school: I would have enjoyed each day more and worried about the future far less. Everything will work out for your daughter regardless of whether she quits or not. Maybe quitting her sport will open a space in her life for something that will become her life’s passion. It’s hard when our kids decide to move on from something they are talented at, but let her move on if that is what she wants to do. 10 or 20 years from now, no matter what happens, all she will remember is if you were on her side and supporting her decisions. Good luck.</p>
<p>"10 or 20 years from now, no matter what happens, all she will remember is if you were on her side and supporting her decisions. " </p>
<p>Excellent advice, hidingout…
One of my running partners quit racing in high school 30 years ago after winning a state championship. Her mother did not speak to her for 6 months. It’s not the championship she talks about, it’s how her mother treated her when she needed to stop. </p>
<p>This is not a vote for stopping, but recognition that the emotions surrounding the decision are huge.</p>
<p>Like Compmom, I have a D whose involvement in an EC is so intense it takes precedence over almost every other part of high school life. It’s been an exercise in careful listening for me for years-- trying to ask quiet questions that will help her think about the decisions she has to make. In your D’s case it sounds like right now one major question is-- what effect is her friend’s new direction having on her? Is she thinking of giving up something she loves because she’s afraid she can’t make the grade? Or, as she sees what she would lose by committing to her sport entirely, is she realizing that she wants a larger range of possibilities? (I myself would be doing a jig if D suddenly plunged into academics, but…) Is there a way for her to step it down and still take part while having a more ‘normal’ life? Can she take some time off and see how it feels? On the other hand, life is long, there’s time for a deeper academic life later, if a sport needs to take precedence now. The discipline and confidence that come from the sport etc. will last. Also-- I’ll echo riverrunner and say-- your unwavering support will mean more than anything else.</p>
<p>Thank you for your replies. You’ve given me different ways to look at this situation. My gut instinct is to believe that D is, as consolation states, “experiencing a crisis of confidence” and that my allowing/encouraging her to step back or quit would be a disservice.<br>
And Consolation, I appreciate the article on Michelle Kwan. There is indeed the right time for everything. There will always be an academic opportunity but there is only one chance to play a sport in college - which, until yesterday, was what I thought was her goal. I know her goals will change as she grows but I think it’s important to see why her goals have changed. Is it burn out? Or is it self-confidence? Or has she found another interest? Lots of things to talk to her about - but as mousegray says, she should talk to us. We just have to find the right questions.</p>
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This is one comment I don’t agree with. School is for learning, not sports. Education should have priority because its effect is lasting. Most sports are more ephemeral.</p>
<p>Done right, sports teaches planning, tactics, strategy, adjustment, dedication, teamwork, leadership, follower-ship, coordination, balance, strength, humility in victory and courage in defeat. Lessons most people can use.</p>
<p>I think it does make a difference which sport it is. Some, like gymnastics or skating are really not an option later in life. Others, like girls soccer, have become infamous for over training in the teen years resulting in life long pain and torment. </p>
<p>Maybe now is the time to talk about life sports – like golf or tennis. </p>
<p>There was a girl is our neighborhood who had (and has) a tremendous drive and appetite for life. One night her senior year she fell asleep at the wheel and drove into a tree. She almost died. She spent the rest of the year on crutches (instead of her athletics). It was very sobering for everyone. There is such a thing as doing too much.</p>
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<p>lilmom, I don’t have a horse in this race (except that my son went to a Division III college where many students managed to excel in sports and academics). However, just for my own information, could you please elaborate on the above comment? This kind of either/or choice (highschool or intensive training) to me sounds more like professional sports than college sports. Like professional tennis for example.</p>
<p>Do colleges really demand that high school kids forego regular classes inorder to get up to recruitment level? Again, my son’s college, was Div III, so maybe I’m out of touch with the “big leagues” but I’m not aware that high school athletes may replace classes with independent study in order to be good enough to play their sport in college.</p>
<p>Enlighten me please?</p>
<p>Olymom, my daughter’s sport is a life sport. </p>
<p>She’s enjoyed a successful season in HS and competes outside of school. She loves the sport but I feel she’s thinking that she has to devote more time (but doesn’t want to) to it to be able to compete. She’s at a crossroad and I’m looking for suggestions on how to help her (the reason why I started this thread!)</p>
<p>momrath, my daughter’s friend left the regular school for other reasons. Being on independent study has given her more free time to play her sport. This isn’t really about college recruitment but that my D sees her as her main competitor (HS level.) </p>
<p>The main purpose of this thread is the issue of helping my child deal with what may be a lack of confidence, nervousness about tougher competition, finding a balance between school and EC, or even burnout.</p>