<p>D has been involved in an individual sport and has done well in the last two yrs. This is the year most kids in this sport "turn it up a notch" for recruitment. She was on this track until this just recently. She's been talking about how she's more into "academics" and that she may not be interested in devoting so much time to this sport. She says she doesn't want to miss out on high school life. So, she seems to be trying to make a choice between school (academics) and sports.
Well, I know what some of you are thinking, that she's making her decision and you want to tell me - just let her! But she also talks about her friend, who happens to be her main competition in this area. She just left the school and is now playing the sport "24/7" and is on independent study. I think D feels a little threatened by this and may be making excuses.
It's hard to tell if she's just scared about the whole recruitment scene. She's good, but is working on consistency. She has an instructor who really believes in her but does she believe in herself? I want to discuss this with her but i don't want to ask the wrong questions!</p>
<p>lilmom…
the friend who left school to do independent study… and the sport 24/7… that is a huge change in the competition landscape… no idea how close a friend she is…but, I am wondering if instead of feeling threatened, your daughter is feeling more doubt about her own commitment level… and measuring herself and her own commitment against this friend who is buying in 100%? Perhaps instead of “turning it up a notch” the dialog should revolve around how this is the year where all the prior practice and effort will deliver some fun results… the competitions this year are all to be enjoyed as a personal challenge to see how she does… instead of for the result of recruitment? Try keeping the focus on doing the activity because of her love for it, instead of what it might get her? Celebrate the everyday stuff too… and encourage participation in some other things so she has that sense of a real high school life…</p>
<p>no idea what her sport is… but it does sound as though there are expectations already and that can weigh any kid down… it can be a fine line on any day… and they need to know they have our love whether they win or lose… they want to be more than just one activity or skill… which is kind of smart because they are still sooo young with sooo many ways to develop… </p>
<p>help her realize she can have both… and that she can enjoy both!! It isn’t easy, but the reward is a happy child and a feeling of accomplishment for the parent that guides them thru these tricky waters… I hope you get some good advice from CC parents cause our kids don’t always want to listen/talk with us about these things and vicarious parenting is one of the best parts of CC (for me, anyway!!)… I hope your daughter is patient with herself …and you… best of luck…</p>
<p>Is this gymnastics? If so, your daughter can certainly continue and still be strong academically. She can maintain her L10 skills at 20-24 hours/week.</p>
<p>I agree with maineparent. Your daughter may be questioning her commitment and she should acknowledge her doubts if that’s the case and accept it and make her adjustments accordingly, i.e., cut back if necessary. Not everyone wants to give their heart and soul and all of their spare time to a sport. It’s a lot of work if they don’t love it, and a sport should be loved. My daughter picked up a second sport just to break up the monotony after having played her primary sport since the age of 7. It helped to keep the love alive, but this may not be the answer for your child.</p>
<p>I knew I’d find some sage advice on CC. Yes, I believe D is feeling nervous about her level of commitment to this sport. She has set the bar high for herself. This yr., she won the league as a sophomore and next year will face tougher competition. I told her she shouldn’t worry about that - just focus on her own game. </p>
<p>maineparent, I like the way you’ve emphasized that this year will be fun - seeing results of hard work, etc. I will definitely start looking at it that way and try to get her to see it, too!</p>
<p>I have seen very talented athletes burn out… and refuse to talk to any coach at any school… it seems kind of sad and a waste of all those years of effort…BUT I can honestly say that none of these kids seem sad about not competing and are all happy at their schools… and seem to be relishing their schedules and the relative freedom in their days…</p>
<p>That being said, I know my own child is much happier in college (freshman) because of his involvement in his sport… he is enjoying the team, the workouts (which are hard and time consuming) … he likes seeing old friends in new roles (meeting up with other HS recruits at college meets)… he is hosting the new crop of recruits (with success!!) and overall, he is loving the complete experience. He has not yet bettered his HS performances… but, his attitude is strong and positive… he is also doing well in all his classes… his only want is to get his bike on campus because his science classes are so far away… </p>
<p>we did observe another HS athlete a few years ago… a ski racer… whose family put her in a ski group of kids whose total objective was to bomb around the mountain and have fun. She started the season in a downhill stance… but slowly and surely she slowed down a bit and had a LOT of fun… and gradually renewed her love and joy in skiing… and ski racing!!</p>
<p>Lilmom, it can be very hard to live with expectations when so successful as a sophomore and I think you are on the right track about encouraging her to do everything she is doing for herself…and to challenge herself… we did read the Bode Miller autobiography with our boys (a mother/son book group) and even though it is written for a Grade 3 level, it was very informative about how hard he worked… and how he chose to try new things (whether equipment or exercise routines) … we all liked the story and had a greater respect for him when we finished the book… yes he is a rebel, but he does like what he does… it is okay to take a different path… the key is to be honest with yourself about your goals, your efforts and your needs…</p>
<p>good luck…</p>
<p>My advice is be very careful and respect your daughters opinion and feelings. Keep in mind she is only a sophmore and many young athletes go through a period of self doubt as they mature during high school. She is reaching out to you, she would not ask if she did not want your opinion or support. Listen to her and try to really find out why she has these feelings. Many young talented athletes have issues as they mature in high school. Today their seems to be a pattern of burn out because of the year round commitment to most sports, physical and mental attributes change, some kids athletic abilities peak in high school, and social situations can change kids minds, their are so many variables. Is it really the end of the world if she wants to quit her sport ??? Better a happy academic than a disgruntled athlete…she has to want to do it for herself without being pressured or convinced, otherwise she will never give her all and excell at the next level of competition.</p>
<p>What ever happened to the days of the 3 sport letterman? I remember my husband played 3 sports in HS and was good in one (he may beg to differ), enough to be recruited and play in college. Today, the kids are pressured to specialize in one or 2 sports and there’s so many hoops to jump through.</p>
<p>Our daughter says she wants to play at the college level and we’ve introduced her to players older than her to give her their points of view. One chose to play in college - no mater what or where she ended up. The other gave it up when she realized she wouldn’t make it on the team of her dream school. Both girls still maintained a balanced HS life and didn’t miss out on the fun stuff. It wasn’t easy! </p>
<p>If our daughter changes course, we hope she’ll be satisfied in knowing she made a thoughtful choice and not one based on fear of what could happen but one based on reality.</p>
<p>While I agree with the general advice about not pushing your D to compete if she isn’t sure, I have a slightly different perspective. Oldest S decided he did not want to pursue playing his sport in college and bitterly regretted the decision. He was definitely good enough to play DI, but as a senior having a good time in high school, didn’t think he wanted to do that. Our first year of college was filled with “I think I made a mistake” phone calls. Fortunately, he’s happy now, but still wonders why he didn’t pursue the opportunities he had. When our D was a sophomore, she started having doubts about wanting to play in college and whether she wanted to continue to put so much time into her sport. We told her it was her decision, but to keep in mind her brother’s regrets. Since she was only looking at Ivies and strong LACs we also pointed out that her sport might be what made the difference in terms of being admitted. By late spring of her junior year, she told us she couldn’t imagine not playing in college and ultimately we believe the support she got from the college coach tipped the admission decision in her favor. She got in ED at her first choice school.</p>
<p>This week, our daughter made the decision to devote more time to her sport and in order to do so, she needed our help in rearranging her school schedule. She’s still staying in her honors level classes but now her schedule will allow her more time to play her sport.<br>
The morning after we made the changes, her HS coach told her that he received an email from a college coach asking for info on her. I can’t tell you how happy she seems to be now. I feel good about it because she made the decision.</p>
<p>yay, lilmom!!!</p>
<p>As you’ve told us your story, I’ve felt you were the kind of parent who would be able to stay patient and give your daughter time to make a good decision. Great job! </p>
<p>And, by the way, if you’d posted that she’d decided to quit, I think I’d feel the same way: you haven’t forced your agenda, but honored her wishes.</p>
<p>Believe me, riverrunner, I lead a double life as a helicopter to my son, as well! This time, I am really glad I kept my opinions to myself.</p>
<p>This thread has everything that’s best about CC. It is so exciting to watch kids grow and change at this age and I love getting to watch more than just my own – anyway, thanks lilmom and glad it has come out so nicely.</p>
<p>Great job, lilmom! I’m glad it worked out well. My son made the decision to drop Spanish V as a regular class and just audit it this year. He balked at first, but now he is SO glad he did. There are only so many hours in the day!</p>
<p>well that sounds like a wonderful adjustment… same classes, different arrangement resulting in more free time? Perfection!! It sounds to me as though your daughter and you have just navigated some choppy water and gotten thru to a calmer pool. Kudos to your daughter for knowing that she needed some change in her routines… and for working thru it all until she found a solution that provides some space for her. </p>
<p>The timing of the inquiry from the college coach is a bit of frosting on the cake, yes? Right now I suspect your daughter is feeling confident again … as she should… just knowing that she is able to recognize her own comfort level and adjust as necessary. This is a skill that will serve her well forever… not just in sports or academics. </p>
<p>Thanks for the update… hope you both have time to watch some Olympics these next few weeks… I still get excited about the Games… and I don’t have to sit in the bleachers to watch… amen!!</p>
<p>lilmom, one more thought, now that your daughter has decided to hang in and compete hard. You had mentioned a rival- another girl who competes at or above her level. We went through some anxiety a few years ago in early high school with our daugher, in her sport, with much of the focus surrounding her arch-rival. She had never beaten this other girl, who was a year older and much more experienced in big competitions. I could see the anxiety build in my daughter whenever she had to compete against her. My D would generally win comps, unless this other girl was there.</p>
<p>Finally, we both read a book that had a chapter about competitors and how strong ones are so important to improving your own performance. This was a huge idea for her to embrace. The book even talked about mentally thanking the other person for being in her sport, and for performing well enough to bring out a strong performance in the others in the competition. This was a truly novel concept to her at the time. The other theme of this chapter was embracing the idea that, unless you are world champion, there will always be someone better than you. Time to get used to the idea, and use your competitors to better yourself. This stuff sank in, and within a few weeks, I saw her relax on the starting line, and, yes, she began to consistently beat this particular girl. They both ran their high school PRs when they shared the track.</p>
<p>They’re both D1 college runners now, and good friends. This process was invaluable for my daughter: I know she can look down the starting line and appreciate her competition, rather than fearing it.</p>
<p>I don’t know what your daughter’s sport is, but running definitely has a shelf full of books devoted to the mental part of competition. Much of it would translate to any sport. If she’s a thinker, it might be a good time to present these ideas in a subtle way, if you suspect she “fears” competing with the other girl.</p>
<p>Best wishes!</p>
<p>Riverrunner,
your posts are so helpful…thank you for watching this board and sharing your knowledge… your post #16 is very insightful… and I think what appeals to me the most about it is that you and your daughter got some answers out of a book… when my kids were born, I read every author… Spock, Leach, Brazelton, etc etc and I picked from them what made sense to me, or helped me with the issues du jour… often our kids don’t want to be “told” answers and finding 3rd party guides is a great alternative… I had mentioned the Bode Miller autobiography because as we started it, none of us expected any real value to come from it and we were all pleasantly surprised at what we took away. </p>
<p>I love how you describe your daughter relishing her competition vs fearing it… what a milestone that is… thank you for sharing… and caring…</p>