<p>I'm confused. Our D who has done nothing but talk about college for the past couple of years is in shutdown mode. It pretty much started back in May and I thought once she returned from summer programs, she'd be ready to get right back up on the college hunt horse and ride again. I was wrong. The only thing she has said is that there are four additional colleges she'd like to visit and/or research, but when it comes to talking about scheduling visits or anything college-related, she says she doesn't want to talk about it. We don't really know what to say ... we did tell her she couldn't just stick her head in the sand and expect things to magically happen. Before she left for work today, I mentioned that we should take some time this weekend to talk about some college visits. She wrinkled her nose, slumped over and said she didn't want to talk about it. When I asked why she was reacting so, she said, "because it has become a task." I'm not sure how to react. There are just 2+ months left before early applications are due.</p>
<p>Curmudgeon, I know you've been going through some of this, too. Anything new happening with your D? Is she back in the college search mode again? I would love to hear from parents who have dealt with or are currently dealing with this situation. Help!</p>
<p>Possibly. I've wondered that, too. Leaving home is a very scary move. She was away for six weeks straight this summer (Girls State and then immediately on to Governor's School). Although she missed us and home, she did very well and developed some wonderful friendships. I know she'll be fine no matter where she lands ... I just hope she knows that, too.</p>
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The only thing she has said is that there are four additional colleges she'd like to visit and/or research
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To me, this sounds like she is still reasonably engaged in the process. Although some will flame me saying we shouldn't "coddle" our kids, I'm wondering if you might just rev up the Mom-as-Application/College-Visit-Manager motor and plan a tentative trip. Report into her (your "boss"), that you are thinking the trip will be such-and-such-a-date and you're ready to book the hotels, etc. Get her nod of ok and you're off. I'm betting she'll engage when you're on the road.</p>
<p>btw, if you haven't yet read "Accept My Kid, Please: A Father's Descent into College Application Hell", now is your moment. ;)</p>
<p>My daughter reacted somewhat similarly last year when she was going into her senior year. I can tell you what we did, but I am not sure it is the right answer for everyone...we sped up the entire process. All her applications were in by the first of October and we did no additional college visits. I could tell she was stressed out thinking about and talking about the whole college thing so I convinced her to just sit down and do the applications (most were on the common application). She did it on-line over a weekend, submitted it to the schools, sent the test results, and took the list with school report forms and teacher recs to school that Monday. She was incredibly relieved that it was all done. The added advantage was that one of her safety schools (that I think she would have been very happy to attend) had sent her a priority application and she got her acceptance before the end of October. Sometimes the best way to deal with a "task" is just to complete it. My daughter had a good list of 8 schools - some she had visited and some she hadn't, but we decided to leave additional visits until after she knew if she was accepted. There were probably a couple of the schools she could have skipped applying to, but given our approach I felt it was better to have more choices come April. As it was, she made out fine - 7 acceptances and an EA deferral which she had already decided against. It was surprising how quickly the whole college search became fun again once the pressure of the applications was off.</p>
<p>I think she just needs some decompression time. The fact that she has identified 4 more schools is a great start. </p>
<p>Senior year is overwhelming for many kids. Even though I'm the Queen of the Obsessive-Compulsive Kingdom, and I find myself pulling back when D's eyes glaze over.</p>
<p>Thanks for the suggestions! I haven't read that book yet, but have seen and heard it mentioned several times. I will pick it up this weekend. I told her the other day she should plan to let her boss know in advance that she'll need several days off work when we take some college visits in September. I do think getting on the road and seeing some more schools will pique her interest again ... I hope!</p>
<p>It could just be nerves, but I think that you are probaly pushing her too much. Just support her in what she decides or wants to do. But still give her your input, but dont overwhelm her. There it is - thats all i have to say. Good luck.</p>
<p>shutdown mode is pretty common as the reality of college (and many big events) approach. Be kind, understanding and let your D know it is okay to be nervous, scared, etc. College is a big change, a big adventure-just stress the positives of that. If possible, have her talk to peers who have just finished freshman year etc. visit a school, do an overnight. The anticipation of things always looms larger than the reality.</p>
<p>splash, our visit to WashU went well and our little sneak off to Rhodes went well,too. And when we talk about scheduling trips to California or the Northeast she brightens. It's just the apps and essays. The work part and that is sooo strange as she's in there reading her AP Bio book. Not the lesson for tommorrow, just ahead because it's interesting. </p>
<p>I think her reticence to start the apps in earnest is a form of fear. If I don't do the app, I can't get rejected. Well, yeah that is true but..........</p>
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I think her reticence to start the apps in earnest is a form of fear. If I don't do the app, I can't get rejected. Well, yeah that is true but..........
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This fear is very real for our kids, even the most "put together." I have seen it manifest itself in varying ways. One kid I know announced he was going into the Marines. Scared the parents witless. It was really just the fear curmudgeon has brought up - if he didn't apply to college, he couldn't be rejected. Enlisting was a step he could control. He got over that, to their huge relief. My S "reined in" his college list based partially on that fear (I'm guessing) - the fewer lottery reaches, the fewer rejections. In his case, it was very healthy and yielded great acceptances, merit aid and a great validation (to him) of his desirability as a college "commodity."</p>
<p>They mostly work it out in their own ways and, hard on us, their own time.</p>
<p>Has she done any visits or interviews? Maybe she is nervous. There is such a big difference between talking about colleges in the abstract and actually going there and telling them "I want you to let me in here." The potential for rejection is huge. Students who are worried about rejection can really benefit from a visit and interview at a safety or solid match school. I think that many students need to shift their attitude from "will they want me" to "do I want them." If you think this is what is going on, you may need to push her into that first visit just like you probably did when she was little.</p>
<p>Well, it sounds like she may not want to visit more colleges.You could just consider the ones she has visited or put in the other applications anyway and visit them after you see what their aid may be. But your daughter does have serious work ahead. There are applications and essays to write and decisions.I have found that in the beginning my kids were interested in visiting and considering many colleges but after they actually talked it out with their friends their choices narrowed, frequently to closer to home schools poplular with their classmates. </p>
<p>You could have her take a week off from work now that it is near the end of the summer and ask her to devote that time exclusively to the applications.</p>
<p>My daughter has made it clear that she will NOT be visiting any more colleges. Ever. Again. She's done. Period. Finito. Even though she is now talking about applying to a college she has never visited and has been saying all along she wasn't interested in. </p>
<p>I do think that there comes a point where the information becomes overwhelming to kids --- I know I've had to slap myself on the side of the head a couple of times to remind myself that she already has ENOUGH good choices and there isn't some perfect school for her lurking under the bushes that we haven't yet discovered.</p>
<p>I kind of like Scma's approach - an "application weekend" in October (there's a nice three day weekend early in the month) rather than spread out the pain over several months or weeks. If she needs to add schools later on, she can always send out a few more common applications and we can always visit any serious contenders after she's been accepted.</p>
<p>My tongue is black and blue from all the biting of it I have done lately. D has some interest, but she just started back to school, and I'd like her to enjoy being a senior, and she has a LOT on her plate right now (probably way too much!). I'll try to keep the nagging to every other day.</p>
<p>My daughter and I went to a cattle call for UMich last night, and she met up with some friends. She spent most of the time writing notes to the girl next to her, while "listening" (UMich is too close to home for her taste). Whether intentional or not, she left the notes sitting on the kitchen table, so of course I read them :). She and her friend were comparing progress on college applications and essays, and both said they were experiencing writer's block borne of fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of writing something trite and overdone.</p>
<p>I suspect leaving the notes for me to read was both my daughter's way of saying "give me some space" and a plea for help. I've been contemplating this all day, and I think in the next week or so, I'm going to suggest a brainstorming suggestion for opening sentences for essays. I think if she can play with that a bit, her creative instincts will take over.</p>
<p>In the meantime, I'm thinking of stocking up on duct tape...for those moments when I'm feeling the urge to go into nag mode and need to stifle myself (and for those moments when I become the target for teen attitude ;)).</p>
<p>In the meantime, I'm thinking of stocking up on duct tape...for those moments when I'm feeling the urge to go into nag mode and need to stifle myself >></p>
<p>I've already cleared out our local Home Depot of duct tape and suspect it will not be NEARLY enough, especially as I may need to resort to using some of it to hide my daughter's eyes when they roll at me. :)</p>
<p>Two years ago, we had similar concerns with our D. And the sluggishness continued on into September, early October....suddenly a spark of life leading to a flurry of activity.</p>
<p>I think a big part of the problem is that WE parents, of course, learned by experience not to wait until the last minute...but we learned by experience, and, in spite of our best efforts, our kids will, too. Also, to a 17 year old, a month is like an eternity. She's probably thinking "what's the rush?"</p>
<p>Just wait until she's solidly back at school, and begins to trade notes with a broader group of kids. I guarantee you'll see some action, but it will probably be much later than you are comfortable with.</p>