D is feeling like she doesn't fit in and is wanting to come home!

<p>Barnard was my D’s first choice. Now that she’s there, she’s feeling like she doesn’t fit in. Although she was #1 in her h.s., she feels she cannot continue with the workload and is wanting to come home at the end of the semester. I’ve asked her to seek advice from an academic counselor and a mental health counselor as well. She is adamant that she doesn’t want to do either. She just wants to come home. I need some guidance on how to handle this. I thought she was depressed, but she says that’s not the problem. Being so far away (California), it’s hard to assess the situation. Of course, I want her to stay there and at least finish out the year. The tone of her voice says to me that the situation is serious. Advice, please.</p>

<p>You're a good mom to suggest she seek counseling. Keep trying to get her to see someone. It is so common for kids who were #1 in hs to be overwhelmed and an experienced counselor could really help her put it all in perspective.</p>

<p>Maybe its just homesickness? NYC is a long way away from Cali. Either way, do make sure that she sees a counselor. If she doesn't want to go on campus, there are other places like The Door (The</a> Door) that can provide her with free counseling.</p>

<p>Speaking from experience and the heart.</p>

<p>Let her come home without any judgements. Tell her she has always been good with decisions and that if this is what she has decided to do you are 100% behind her. Have her take a leave of absence, come home and work it out with the support of her loving, nonjudgemental family.</p>

<p>I wish I had done this.</p>

<p>I am so sorry your daughter is experiencing this. I can only imagine her stress and your anguish at being so very far away when she is going through this. Hang in there.</p>

<p>I strongly suggest that you encourage her to talk to her advisor. What is her major? Is it possible that she might want to change majors? I am positive her advisor would want to talk to her and to help her make whatever decision is best for her. And sax may be right that she should take some time off...and of course you will support her in this if it's what she needs. But her advisor should be an excellent resource. PLEASE encourage her to talk to him/her!!!
Keep us posted and hang there.</p>

<p>Thanks for all your replies. I just sent D an e-mail (I'm too emotional right now for a phone conversation) and told her to finish out the semester and come home. I think she needs time to relax and find herself. She is just turning 18 this month and has lots of time for college somewhere down the road. My husband and I have decided that her well-being is what is most important. Sax, I want to extend extra thanks for your words of experience.
D assured me that she set up appointments with both academic and mental health professionals. While I still harbor some hope that they will talk her into staying, if she comes home, it has been a learning experience for all of us. Seeing how D is my third child, I thought college would be a piece of cake, but she's thrown us for a loop. I remember reading on this forum about kids who take a year off. I'll have to revisit those posts. Many thanks to all.</p>

<p>Alta...you may want to buy a webcam-& use <a href="http://www.skype.com-its%5B/url%5D"&gt;www.skype.com-its&lt;/a> free --and have your daughter do the same if she does not already have one in her laptop. That way you can talk with each other-AND see each other. It might give her the extra reassurance she is craving at this time.My daughter turned me onto this, and people on CC told me what to do & how to get it going.It has REALLY helpt us.</p>

<p>Allowing her to come home may be the best way to get her to stay. Feeling that she has an out academically and with her family may calm her nerves.
Both of my daughters were at the top of their class in HS and found Barnard very demanding in comparison. Both were somewhat down at midsemester. My sister went through the same thing at the beginning of first semester at Stanford. Everyone (or nearly everyone) seems to recover by Christmas. My sister (20+ years later) says it was a pressure she put on herself. If she wasn't #1 she would be letting everyone down. When our mother dropped her off at Stanford Mom told her she shouldn't feel that she had to get straight As. Sis says that just made her feel worse. By the latter half of semester she had some sense of her own abilities and stopped crying on the way home from the library every night. The male members of our family have not been that demanding of ourselves.</p>

<p>Thanks for the suggestion about the webcam. Also, when we told her she could come home, she did seem better. Mardad, my D sounds like your sister. She puts an incredible amount of pressure on herself, no matter what we say. Our comments seem to make it worse. Therefore, I am convinced that she needs therapy, no matter if she stays at Barnard or comes home. The perfectionism that she places on herself is taking its toll. I'm encouraged to hear that many students recover by Christmas. I hope that happens in my D's case.</p>

<p>My daughter was very unhappy with social "fit" at Barnard her first semester. She had a hard time making friends and did feel overwhelmed by the workload -- so it was a rough start, though I don't think she contemplated leaving. </p>

<p>There was a big change second semester. She made a good friend at Columbia and started hanging around him a lot. It was not romantic, but both she and her guy friend are in long-distance relationships, so I think they became a platonic couple and essentially dated, though only with companionship in mind, as both were loyal to their respective partners. </p>

<p>This year has been extremely different -- my daughter has been happier and much more involved from day one, and definitely more confident. </p>

<p>So you may simply encourage your daughter to leave her options open for spring. I do think that my d. never really anticipated how much she would miss California --and there really is a big cultural difference between east & west coast. I don't know what your daughter's "fit" problems are - but my d. complained that no one seemed to get her jokes or sense of humor, so every time she cracked a joke it ended up a horribly embarrassing faux pas.</p>

<p>Altamom, I am so glad your d has appointments. And that you have reassured her that she can come home if that is what she needs to do. All very good developments, IMO.</p>

<p>The webcam thing is something we use as well, though we have apple computers and it's a different beastie with them. It's fun to see our d every so often.</p>

<p>As crazy happy as my d has been at Barnard, I remember last year she had decided not to come home at Thanksgiving as it was such an ordeal to travel over that time. She suddenly got homesick in October, though, so we made a last-minute decision to bring her home for her fall break. They are still growing up and getting used to so very much! And I am sure many, many (if not all) BArnard students tend to demand a lot of themselves. I know my d does that as well. So the counselor and her advisor should be well able to recognize the ins and outs of your d's situation and help her to figure out for herself what she should do. You have given her options, so you have done well.</p>

<p>All the best to you. You are most definitely not alone in this!!</p>

<p>When I attended Cornell there were a number of kids I recall who had a tough time out of the box. The expectations of many of these demanding colleges can be a quantum jump beyond what these kids have experienced, and excelled in, before.</p>

<p>Lump this in with : perhaps just not happening to mesh with the kids on your floor; nothing happening socially- and you can easily wind up with a pretty depressed kid. Although for some of the kids I knew the problem was too much happening socially.</p>

<p>Plus, when she is attending school far away the resources of home aren't even so available.</p>

<p>So this is certainly not the outcome anyone wants as a result of venturing forth into a brave new world, but it is still an outcome that can and does happen.</p>

<p>Some of the kids I recall got things straightened out. Some left.</p>

<p>My freshman roommate left, and when I spoke to him years later he'd wound up doing great at a state college close to his home, had a successful career. Too bad his inital plan didn't work out, but in the long run he was better served moving on. A friend of mine took a leave, came back, limped through, has a great career today. But his college days were miserable, academically.</p>

<p>It's crunch time there now, lots of papers due, it seems. A time of stress. Maybe if she gets through and actually survives things will look better at the end of the semester. Sort of like a scary roller coaster. And she can plan her next semester with this experience in mind. And hopefully adjust work habits accordingly.</p>

<p>But it's also possible that she needs to get out.</p>

<p>This is a trying circumstance I know, best of luck.</p>

<p>I wish there was some sort of mandatory training in workload management that everyone had to take , first semester (or, better yet, summer before). I sure could have used that, and so could my D1. I think Swarthmore does something like this. But unfortunately few places do.</p>

<p>Hi - I went to school in NYC and although I did not come as far as CA., I was from the Midwest . Is there anyway you can go visit her ??? It's tough up there --and there are things ( I visited Barnard a lot ) she may not be able to express to you at all over webcam or phone or emails . Please visit her . Barnard dorms are tough . NYC is tough if you are not used to it . Their support team will not be exactly warm , although my brother did see an off-campus certified social worker while at NYU that helped a lot . </p>

<pre><code> I rarely post these days ( I have two in college now ) but feel so strongly about this letter , I think you need to see your D .
</code></pre>

<p>Please also know that this time of year students are getting very antsy- thanksgiving break is so close, yet not quite there. The weather has suddenly gotten cold in nyc and it gets dark very very early, creating a bit of depressive atmosphere for everyone.
For many, being home for a few days for thanksgiving is just what they need as a pick me up to finish the semester.</p>

<p>Huskem55 is correct about the weather. D1 who is very happy about Barnard has been complaining about the early darkness and its effect on her sleep pattern.</p>

<p>Barnard is hard. Really hard. I have almost been filleted for suggested that it is much harder than Williams (where S is), but this has molified D who has insisted Barnard was the hardest place in the world since her first semester there. She really wouldn't mind, but she looks at the law school GPA's required and gets kind of worried.</p>

<p>First semester D was out and out flunking (yes I mean F) ancient Greek. It was a pipe dream for her to take this; she had never taken Latin, but her dream was to be a classics major and read the Iliad in the original. That dream fell by the wayside fast.</p>

<p>After the Greek-centered Classics major was off the table, the next concern ws, of course, what would her future be after starting off with an F. She only had 4 classes so it was against Barnard's rules to drop a class and carry only 9 credits. What a painful time. However, the first year dean (who is the person to talk to for your D) worked it out so that she could drop the class. This was a one time only offer, and D took it, after realizing that even P/F would not rescue the situation.</p>

<p>Things improved mightily after that. D still insists Barnard is the hardest p lace on earth, but she says it with pride, like a Marine surviving boot camp. She feels like a true adult after living in the city and has been thrilled at what Barnard has done for her. She wants to do law so Human Rights at Columbia was a no brainer, but it's just a concentration. Once she decided to major in American Studies, focussing on Constitutional rights all has fallen into place.</p>

<p>She is going to London for second semester junior year, but she is sad to leave Barnard, even for one semester.</p>

<p>I do know two girls who transferred: one to Vassar, one to Wesleyan, because they found the work so daunting. Both their mothers told me the change brought them relief and regret, and in the end they'd wished they'd stayed. This might not be true for you D.</p>

<p>For the exact situation at hand, it sounds as if Sax is the person to heed; I don't have experience. I certainly would let my D do what she wanted. Leave of absence is a good idea if plans change.</p>

<p>I would be very happy to have your daughter for Thanksgiving. I live on LI and D is probably coming home on the train if we don't get her. D is on the quad again this year, so she is close by to have breakfast with or get a hug if your daughter is so inclined. D is very generous that way. PM if we can be of help.</p>

<p>Your D would be surprised if she knew how many people feel this way about Barnard's work load and grading policies, especially in the Humanities. Your D is not alone.</p>

<p>Thanks for everyone's concern and advice. I appreciate every word. I actually offered to go visit her, but she said she felt she could manage the next seven weeks until she comes home for Christmas. I took that as a good sign. She signed up for classes for next semester, although she is also thinking about taking a leave of absence. I was surprised by this because it indicates that she is open to going back after taking a semester off.<br>
I feel much better today, thanks to the support of the people on this forum. I rarely post about personal issues, but my daughter's call really had me in 'panic mode.' It is so good to know that many of you have had a similar experience and have survived to tell about it! If it turns out that Barnard is not a good fit, I guess she's learned something about herself in the process. Thanks for all your wisdom and caring sentiments...</p>

<p>I have to echo my Mythmom's statement. I had a long phone dialogue with my d. last night as she was trying to sort out her courses for next semester. Exact quote: "Mom, you just don't understand how HARD this place is!"</p>

<p>I have a California S at Columbia, and so I know they've just finished midterms. Also, the campus was on a break around election day -- it's actually a longer time off than at Thanskgiving -- and so a lot of kids who are from the Northeast go home, leaving the campus pretty empty. This is really a low time, especially first year.</p>

<p>Here are some additional thoughts based on his experience:
1. I'm glad you've encouraged your D to use the counseling service. Make sure she knows that if she doesn't like the first counselor she sees, she can choose a different one, since fit is important.
2. Does she have morning classes? I discovered one semester when my son was at his lowest that he literally was not seeing daylight. Up till 3 or four every night, crawling out of bed for afternoon classes when it was getting dark early. Especially hard on Californians.
3. Is she a kid who is used to a lot of exercise and is now not getting any? My kid is addicted to the gym and it's also a center of a lot of his social activity. (He's learned how to play squash, and has regular partners, as well as people he just goes to work out with and a girlfriend he runs with). Maybe she can sign up for a PE class like floor hockey, or an intramural team of some sort to meet people beyond her floor as well as lift her mood with some exercise.
4. Do you have any relatives or friends in the Northeast? Even if she doesn't know them well, it can be a real release to get off campus and back into a real home for a meal or a weekend.
5. Though it's probably too late for her to drop a class, it might not be too late for her to pass/fail one.
6. Suggest she take an easier load next semester if she goes back, and that she leave herself some time to get involved in some ec she might not have discovered yet. </p>

<p>I do think that the distance, not coming home for Thanksgiving, first midterms, first signs of cold and winter, are probably all contributing factors. Add to that the fact that kids go off expecting to love college, and that it often doesn't just click right away with roomates and floormates. She may even already be worrying about having someone to live with next year, which I recall was a source of anxiety for my S as he headed into his second semester. </p>

<p>Good luck! Try not to worry. She probably needed a sounding board, and it sounds as if you said the right things.</p>

<p>Altamom: I am happy to hear you are feeling better and that your D is willing to talk to her advisors on campus. By telling her that it is fine to come on home you took away one of the biggest stresses she was facing: disappointing you and your H. Good luck to you all. There are many different paths and she will find the one that's right for her.</p>