<p>My D (one and only) leaves for college across the country in two days. After a very stressful Jr and Sr year in HS, we had a wonderful summer. She had a job she liked (alot) and thrived at, and she fell in love with her new university at orientation. (It is a great school but had not been her first choice.) She and her assigned roommate seem like a good match based on their emails and phone calls. It was all good until two days ago when her best friend left for college. I think the reality of the magnitude of the upcoming life change has finally hit her. Suddenly my D is anxious (she starts hyperventilating) and blaming me for everything. The sleep problems she had during the past academic year have returned and she is frustrated and exhaused. To be honest, I was afraid the whole summer was going to be this way so I should be thankful that I only need to endure a few days of this behavior. I had been so excited for her (but tearful at her leaving) but now I am scared for her. I would love to hear from others who have encountered similar experiences and to learn if things calmed down once the kid settled in to the new life.</p>
<p>This might sound weird, but I would contact her doctor and see if you can her in for a quick visit. The doctor may be able to talk to her about coping with the anxiety ( hyperventilating) and also give her a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication that can help her through the first few weeks. I know that sometimes even a very low dose of an anti-anxiety med can help tremendously. Hopefully once she gets there and meets her roommate she will be fine, but if she is so stressed that she is exhibiting physical signs she may need a little help.
Some may disagree, but sometimes there are physical traits ( ie, excess adrenaline surges, etc) that make the anxiety attacks a very "real" thing.
Good luck.</p>
<p>This sounds very familiar...anxiety as friends are leaving for college, check. Blaming me for everything, check. (FYI it was all my fault that D deposited $$ mistakenly in her checking account and not her savings.) I think it's very normal. I can remember having the same feelings before I left for freshman year of college over 30 years ago. She'll be fine.</p>
<p>Of course things calm down once the kid settles into a new life. (And then stress back up, and calm down, and stress up . . . ) </p>
<p>Really, applying to, deciding on, and then leaving for college is the most stressful thing that most of our children have experienced in their lives so far. (Thank heavens! I realize this isn't true of everyone, of course.) If a kid is prone to anxiety, this is the time for it.</p>
<p>PA Mom's advice sounds good. But being calm, and loving, and doing nothing probably works, too. You know your child and yourself, so you can decide.</p>
<p>I think a visit with a physician or counselor about stress management once at school is a great idea. I think that one should not be to quick to take an anti-anxiey medication as the first response to this, if there has never been a visit to discuss this before. Sure, having a few of something in the medicine cabinet to use can be helpful. But I think there are some techniques that kids can learn first to try to deal with anxiety. That pill can become a quick fix, and teach a teen or young adult nothing about coping skills, relaxation techniques, self-biofeedback etc. Besides, Xanax and the like are abused far too much as it is on college campuses. If the problem continues without meds, and relaxation techniques are only a drop in the bucket, a low dose regular medication such as an SSRI can help prevent the symptoms, with less potential for problems.</p>
<p>Starting anti-anxiety medication for the first time right at the start of school may not be the wisest choice, since they really mess up your thinking pattern and level of alertness for the first few weeks. There is usually some dosage tweaking by the supervising doc during that time as well, and it might not be good to be away from the prescribing physician.</p>
<p>The Lucinda Bassett stuff you hear advertised is pretty good...I have a friend who used it, and her son used it too. She gave me the relaxation recording and it really works when I can't sleep at night! Better than any drug- I turn the thing on, put the ear plugs in, and I'm out like a light before the tape finishes. I'll end up waking up sometime in the middle of the night and have to take the earplugs out of my ears.</p>
<p>Did she hyperventilate when she was having her stressful times in HS or is this new? </p>
<p>Go to college is such a major change. It's taking everything they have known so well for 18 years (home, family, friends, town, their room, etc.etc.etc.) and starting new and unknown. After talking about "stranger danger" and such for years we are now telling them to go shake hands with a complete stranger(s) and start living with them and sleeping in the same room after knowing them for a matter of hours. Everything in their world becomes NEW and unknown for the most part. </p>
<p>Be sure she takes some comforting things with her (a favorite pillow, poster whatever works for her) - we also tend to go whole hog and buy everything NEW for the dorm room - so none of that stuff is even familiar. </p>
<p>You may feel like your walking on eggs for a couple of days - and while it may not be the picture perfect last couple of days together you envisioned, sometimes I think the best thing after planning this college thing for so long is to JUST GO DO IT!!!</p>
<p>Have you asked her what you can do to help her not feel stressed? It's ok to tell her you can understand her stress but that most of all you are concerned about her health - and see if she thinks it is an issue...</p>
<p>I'm thinking that if she is leaving in only 2 days, there isn't much you can do except endure it and hope for the best. I think all our kids are stressed to some extent, some kids are just more likely to "share" than others. </p>
<p>My guess is if she is generally a healthy, stable person she'll adjust fine. It might even be harder on you than her!</p>
<p>Good luck. Chin up - this too shall pass. :)</p>
<p>I'm sorry if I sounded like meds was the best or only response. Didn't mean to. : )</p>
<p>Some relaxation and coping techniques may very well take care of it.</p>
<p>The reason I mentioned it was because I know someone who was in a similar situation and their doctor gave them some type of a dissolving drug that went on your tongue that helped dissipate extreme anxiety attacks. It turned out that just knowing that she had that in case things felt out of control was enough for her...she never ended up using it.
I thought it was something with very little risk or side effects since her doctor had prescribed it, but I admit I know very little about it.</p>
<p>In any case, I hope the op feels comfort in knowing that many students feel anxiety about this huge change and the parent is often the easiest target to vent to ( and blame LOL ) .
Good luck!</p>
<p>I think it is normal to be very anxious before leaving for college. Different kids express these feelings in different ways. </p>
<p>I would NOT consider putting your child on any medication...you would be sending the very worst message that meds are the answer to feelings and problems. Not the message we want our teens to get!</p>
<p>Instead, sit down and have a talk with her about her feelings. Let her know that it is OK to be anxious and that the feelings will pass. It's alright to feel, it's not the end of the world even though it sometimes feels like it. Learning to deal with feelings is the best lesson we could possibly teach. Whether it's talking it out to family/friends, going for a run/hike to clear your head, doing fun activities for a distraction, or playing video games, we all need to learn ways of handling anxious situations, not become dependent on medication to get through. </p>
<p>See if you and your daughter can find some fun things to do to lighten the mood. Everything else will work itself out once she is securely at her college and into the routine of it.</p>
<p>My D leaves in a week, but most of her friends are already gone...so she has this freetime on her hands</p>
<p>So, we are spending three days volunteering at a fashion show, one because its fun, and two, to make the waiting time go faster</p>
<p>I second the recommendation to do something fun- get a facial, a massage, or walk on the beach with hot chocolate, see a bad movie, visit you elementary or preschool (we did that and it was precious)</p>
<p>I wouldn't do any medications at this juncture, but I would recommend some physical stuff- the gym, a hike- that can help with the sleep</p>
<p>LilyMoon - While I respect your opinion and post, I must address the issue that putting someone on meds is "the very worst message". There are many people for whom meds are a lifesaver. We don't know what any one persons medical history is, but I do believe that there are times when a persons body may need help. Severe depression, bi-polar disorder, OCD, and many other conditions can be helped tremendously with proper diagnosis and medication. We do not want to send a message that they are something to be ashamed of when necessary!
This is , of course, something that should be diagnosed and discussed with a medical professional. ( you may be able to tell that I have loved ones who have been helped, therefore I may have a different perspective.)</p>
<p>OTOH, I am not suggesting in any way that the OP's daughter fits this criteria! Just that it is an option for some and should not be dismissed as "bad" for all.</p>
<p>Your suggestions for the op's daughter are excellent - exercise can be a great stress reliever and good for you as well!</p>
<p>PA Mom, I was actually referring to the anti anxiety meds as previously discussed (not all medication). They can be a very dangerous road to go down. So many people are getting hooked on these meds and using them to handle life's problems. Giving a child a bottle of these meds are, in my opinion, not only a bad message, a way of not confronting issues in life and could potentially be a path to dependency.</p>
<p>I hope I didn't give the impression I would ever condone "giving a child" a bottle of meds, but I do think that having a doctor diagnose and treat a medical condition can be a positive thing.
Although I respect your opinion, we will have to agree to disagree. I don't want to hijack this thread any further...sorry to drag it into this direction OP!</p>
<p>Lilymoon - Does this conversation remind you of Tom Cruise/Brooke Shields ?LOL I really didn't want to try to pull anyone into an argument pro or con meds LOL. I apologise. It's like discussing religion or politics to some degree!</p>
<p>lilymoon
[quote]
PA Mom, I was actually referring to the anti anxiety meds as previously discussed (not all medication).
[/quote]
I think I understand your point, but PA mom has an excellent point too. "Anti-anxiety" can mean a tranquilizer or an antidepressant (such as an SSRI). I was 30 before I realized that anxiety and depression are closely linked. Antidepressants solved my problem with what felt like constant irrational terror.</p>
<p>I think a heart-to-heart talk is a good idea, if you can get your daughter to talk about what is causing the stress, it might be helpful. Sometimes it's what you think, othertimes, not.
I also think you might mention that seeking help from a therapist at the college or university she's attending if she still feels stressed after a week or two ,would not be a sign of weakness or anything to be ashamed of. I was amazed at the percentage of kids who make use of the college mental health services at my daughter's school, and for what many would consider fairly minor issues. Kids at this age are making major life decisions which can be stressful, especially without the comforts of parents and home to help sort it all out. If you sense she's having difficulty later in the semester, you might suggest this option.</p>
<p>I guess it is the idea of sending someone off to college in two days with a new medication that could have serious side effects, be the wrong dosage, etc and can mask "recovering" and the person being just fine without the medication</p>
<p>if you do meds too soon, you don't really know how you are feeling in the new situation at all, becuase you aren't dealing with the new stuff,not really</p>
<p>I do not suggest anti-anxiety meds (even in low doses) unless she has had previous success with them. Medication like that can cause unexpected and unwanted side-effects that may not be immediately recognizeable to you or your D when she is away.</p>
<p>My first-choice college was the across the country, but I was shoehorned into attending the state uni. Now without the excitement of going to a college I WANT to go to, it is all nerves and no fun. Because your D is going so far away, although her college may not have been her first choice it must not have been her last one! Have a talk with her and remind her of all of the reasons she is excited about her new school and why it was so high on her list - why she wanted to go. Maybe the academics, the climate, the people, the freedom, the city (but not things that are likely to cause stress, like the distance!). I know that when I am happy and excited the nerves are there, but the balance helps. Nothing is worse than that pit in your stomach WITHOUT an accompanying feeling of joy and excitement. That I have become all too familiar with in the past few days :/.</p>