Dad wants me to live at home & take BART to UC Berkeley every day

Parents Forum
1

<p>So here's my situation,</p>

<p>I got into Berkeley (yay!) and I live in Fremont, CA, which is about 45-50 minutes away from UC Berkeley.</p>

<p>I was shocked when my dad told me that he preferred that I live at home and commute to Berkeley every day via BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit- it's kind of like a mix between a subway/train). It was so weird because my dad is all about independence, making your own mistakes, learning from your own experiences, venturing out into the real world, etc. However, he says that living at home would save him a lot of money (I think he said somewhere along the lines of $10,000 a year?) He mentioned that he and my mom lived at home and commuted to campus with no problem...but this was when they had just moved to America and didn't have the option or the money to live on campus.</p>

<p>Basically, I would wake up every day at around 6-7ish, drive to the BART station, park my car there, take the BART to Berkeley, go to class, do whatever I need to do there, get on the BART and go home at around...I'm not sure...6pm?</p>

<p>My dad says it's still totally up to me. And I really would like to live on campus just for the college experience, the convenience, the whole she-bang. I never even thought about living at home!</p>

<p>I've been applying to a lot of scholarships lately to help with the money issue and I think I have a good chance (crossing my fingers) at getting maybe at most, $10,000 total?</p>

<p>I would greatly appreciate any advice from any parents, Cal students...</p>

<p>What are the advantages/disadvantages to living on campus?</p>

<p>Parents, what advice can you give me from a parent's perspective?</p>

<p>Any other advice?</p>

<p>Thank you so much!!!</p>

2

<p>I wouldn't want to have to rely on BART...trains can be late just like buses, and then you could miss something important in class. Too much stress, if you ask me. Not to mention the experiences you'll miss out on by living off-campus.</p>

3

<p>My dad took public transit from home for about an hour and a half each way while attending college. He considers it one of the worst decisions of his life. When I was applying to schools he told me he didn't want me to apply anywhere within an hour of the house so there'd be no chance I'd feel pressured into commuting.</p>

<p>Perhaps you could talk with your dad and make a deal about you keeping a part-time job on campus or something to help pay for housing if your parents can't cover all of it?</p>

4

<p>Actually, a lot of the dorms at Berkeley aren't real great in terms of comfort level -- (small, overcrowded room; bad food) -- and they do charge extra for the nicer dorms. Some of the newest, nicest dorms are quite a distance from campus -- so I am not sure that the Berkeley/dorm experience is all that great. (I went to Berkeley a zillion years ago for law school, but lived in an off-campus apartment; my brother lived nearby as an undergrad in a co-op).</p>

<p>Given the high cost of housing, if either of my kids had chosen to attend Berkeley, as a parent I would have encouraged my kids to look for alternative housing situations, such as renting a room in a house rather than a dorm. I just don't feel really positive about a lot of the Berkeley dorms, and I think that you could save a lot of money opting for another alternative. We also live within BART-able distance, and while I wouldn't have wanted my kids to stay at home... it just wouldn't make economic sense to me to pay the cost of dorm plus meal plan under those circumstances. (Believe me, dorm food gets old, real fast). At the same time, I would have been comfortable with the idea of my kids living in an off-campus house or apartment simply because it is close enough that I could have helped out if there was any sort of problem.</p>

<p>My kids both opted to attend college on the east coast... so in the end it never came up .... but I can see your dad's point and I think he is being fair to you. Here is what I would advise: </p>

<p>Put a deposit down for housing, just in case. (It's not that expensive and it will hold a spot). </p>

<p>Start watching Craigslist for rooomate & sublet listings for Berkeley or North Oakland -- that way you can get a good sense of what it would cost to live near campus without dorming. And then look seriously at the money and discuss different financial options with your dad. </p>

<p>I don't think commuting from Fremont would be easy over the long haul, but I do think that you could be flexible and consider options that are not so costly. </p>

<p>It is probably because I lived in Berkeley that I am so comfortable with the idea of off-campus living... but you should at least take advantage of your close proximity to really check out the dorms and see what you would be paying for. I mean... look at this rate chart: <a href="http://www.housing.berkeley.edu/livingatcal/rates.html%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://www.housing.berkeley.edu/livingatcal/rates.html&lt;/a> -- it would cost between $12-$14K to live in a triple, and some of those rooms are pretty cramped. I know that you can probably find a sublet in a house or apartment and pay about $600/month in rent to have your own room - do the math, that's about half the cost. (Of course you have to add in food and the cost of an internet connection -- but it still is going to save quite a lot).</p>

5

<p>Calmom has some good points here. </p>

<p>I'd suggest that you take a good hard look at what the university housing and food plans come to for a year. Then work out a budget for your commuter costs on BART and say lunch on campus every day and dinner there two or three times a week are likely to come to. Unless of course you are going to pack your lunch. After you figure out the difference between these two plans, think about what you can do with the money saved by commuting.</p>

<p>I live in Maryland, about 40 minutes to an hour from the U of MD at College Park. Lots of our neighbors' kids have commuted for a year or so before moving onto campus. This made the transition for them and their families easier between HS and college life. It also meant that when the kid moved to campus he/she already had friends, knew where to live there, and had a much clearer idea of what on (or near) campus life would entail.</p>

<p>You do not have to become independent all at once. You can give yourself, and your family, time to adjust if you (or your parents) prefer it that way.</p>

6

<p>I'd have a heart to heart with your Dad about the reality of the family finances. Sounds to me like maybe that's an issue. You imply that money isn't an issue, but maybe it is.</p>

<p>I like the suggestion that maybe you could ease into it. A twelve-hour day means you probably won't be able to work, but if you live on campus (or off campus but closer) could you work to help pay for the cost of housing?</p>

7

<p>The decision to live on/near campus should depend on what you want to get out of your college experience and not necessarily solely on finances. I commuted to my large state flagship 25 yrs ago, and based on that experience, I would have discouraged DS from commuting from home had he chosen to attend, even though it would have been much cheaper and despite the fact that we only live 20 minutes away (by car, so somewhat longer by bus, the only public transportation available to us). </p>

<p>One drawback to commuting to a large school is that the student is less likely to become truly engaged with the school or become involved in school activities. The campus may never become your "home" because you still live at home, and instead it may become more like a job, some place you go to each day. </p>

<p>When I commuted I took public transportation and worked part-time at a job close to my home, I moved into an apartment after the first yr - with hs friends, and still lived close to my old home. I continued to do things with old hs friends outside of school and never made many new friends on campus or became involved in ECs - I had a job to go to that would take me an hour to get to by bus, a softball game with my team of hs friends, etc. I had a large extended family that all lived in the same neighborhood, and continued to be involved in numerous family functions. </p>

<p>Since I was not ON campus except for classes, I never really connected with my college, my classes or with other people on campus and it did just become a place I visited each day, to get a piece of paper after 4 yrs. My life never really changed except that I went to this place called "college" during the day to attend classes. This is all some people may want out of their college experience. But I always felt like I had missed out on something, that somehow my own personal growth had been delayed by not becoming a more involved part of my college community at a time when I was also experiencing so much intellectual growth (Mom and Dad just didn't get into discussing philosophy).</p>

<p>Obviously, students who commute CAN become involved in their school community (and there is a big difference between commuting 50 minutes and living 6 blocks from campus). But it takes a lot more work and effort, especially on a large campus. And this can shape your college experience more than you might think.</p>

8

<p>Would you/Could you pledge? That could make a big difference in helping you find/feel community as well as a place even if you started out commuting.</p>

9

<p>You've gotten into one of the world's outstanding universities and the impact of that experience will be proportional to the extent that you immerse yourself in it. In a similar way, I'm sure that the impact of your family on you has been in direct proportion to the extent that you were immersed in your home life. You might ask your Dad how he thinks your family's influence on you might have been impacted had you lived in Berkeley throughout your childhood, commuting home on BART for meals and scheduled conferences with your parents?</p>

10

<p>How about living in a dorm for your freshman year so you can make friends? Once you've got established friendships, your friends would probably enjoy getting away from campus to spend some time at a real home. I had to pay my own way through college, and lived at home. I wish I would have the chance to experience the "going away and living in a dorm" experience. If you do stay at home, be sure to get involved in campus groups. In my case, I made most of my new friends through my church's campus group. A lot of my friends were ones from high school, though.</p>

<p>Editing to add: I'm assuming costs will be a factor in the ultimate decision. If money were no concern whatsoever, I'd go for the dorm the whole time, or until you were sick of dorm life if that happens.</p>

11

<p>Terrible college experience. Maybe get a job during the year/over the summer and split the cost with him?</p>

<p>You don't want to be a commuter at a residential college, especially one as vibrant as Berkeley. And this is especially true as a freshman. You meet people through your dorms and after classes.</p>

12

<p>I was an undergrad at Cal quite awhile ago. Didn't get into the dorms first quarter, so I rented a room less than a mile off-campus, and got a dorm meal plan for dinners. </p>

<p>It was a miserable first quarter. I had a lot of friends from high school at Cal, almost all of who'd gotten into the dorms. I'd occasionally hang out with them in the evenings and at football games, but people's primary social connection was with their dormmates. My friends would introduce me to their buddies, but it wasn't the same as having my own buddies. It was tough to find study buddies, to casually arrange with someone to go to the library. And, of course, then I'd have to pack up and cycle home. I didn't feel that I could drop back home in the middle of the day, or come back to campus later in the evening if i'd headed home right after dinner. And that was far less of a commute than you're considering!</p>

<p>Second quarter, moved into the dorms. Everything changed. Two guys down the hall were in several of my classes, and I finally had people to study with. That was no small matter--I'd picked a really rough major, and if I hadn't been able to have classmates around to work with, I'd have done miserably in the class, and probably changed majors. I had people to eat with, to go to the library with, to go across the street at 11 pm to get chocolate chip cookies with. I had work-study, so my mornings were classes, my afternoons were work, and evenings were my study and socializing time. Cutting off your college day at 6 PM seems limiting to me. I know that you could extend your day, but it's more difficult to make spontaneous plans when you have to lug your backpack around, or when you left a crucial book back home. </p>

<p>If it is at all financially feasible, my suggestion would be to live in the dorms your freshman year, and then either move off-campus or commute. Look on that first year's costs as an investment in finding the best possible living situation for the following three years. You'll know the area better, and thus have a better sense of where you'd like to live, and what you'd like to avoid. Reread scansmom's wise words. Have your parents read them, too. </p>

<p>I don't know if this is still true, but every time I meet a Cal grad of any age, the very first question we ask each other is "where did you live?"</p>

13

<p>I agree with acarey617 -- try to convince your dad that living on campus is very important for your freshman year. At Cal, many (if not most) students move to off-campus housing by the time they're sophomores anyway -- but they do it usually with the people they met/became friends with in on-campus housing, so you're only talking about one academic year of dorm/co-op housing, etc. Since your parents are foreigners they may not be familiar with campus culture in American universities. Explain to them, that the roomate/dorm experience is considered a key component of your education. That's where you meet people, make contacts, discover the huge variety of attractions, clubs, activities, etc., available to students. It's stuff you don't want to miss out on -- and stuff they probably won't want you to miss out on either... if they know it's there, available for students (and partly supported through student fees you'll be paying for anyway.) Good luck -- I hope you can come up with a plan that you're both happy with.</p>

14

<p>Not living on campus your freshman year can be very socially taxing. At schools like Berkley with large intro classes. etc., most of the social life probably evolves around dorms.</p>

<p>I am sure that money might be an issue for your family, so you should talk to your dad, and see how you cold help paying for it.</p>

15

<p>
[quote]
At schools like Berkley with large intro classes. etc., most of the social life probably evolves around dorms.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Don't forget that it's not just a social thing. As an undergrad, the people I lived with (especially the upperclassmen) were my first source of academic support - the ones I asked for help on that crazy mechanics problem that I'd been working on for three hours and hadn't solved, the ones I'd study for tests with, the ones who told me how to deal with the bureaucracy or find the relevant forms if I needed tutoring, add/drop forms, extensions, etc. Not having a residential community of fellow undergrads could hurt your academic experience and performance.</p>

16

<p>Congrats on Berkeley!</p>

<p>My suggestion would be to find a way to live in the dorms your first year. I lived at home my first year of college, and it was an entirely different experience than my following years on campus, and I'd advise against it. If you live in a dorm as a freshman, you could work toward becoming an RA for your following years, which would greatly reduce or eliminate the cost of room and board. Your first year, you could find a part time job, perhaps an on-campus job related to your interests, that would help pay for housing. But you could see living on campus your freshman year as an investment in having greatly reduced or no cost of room and board for your next three years as an RA.</p>

17

<p>I commuted 30+ minutes to school and decided that my kids would NOT do that, I never felt connected to the school- never had that college "experience" I just took classes, worked, and had my home life. I am not sure about dorm vs off campus housing- dorms are very pricy. At the very least, rush a frat/soror if you are not in the dorm!</p>

<p>Also, my D is a grad student, paying her own way at a campus 45 minutes from our home. We offered that she could stay at home rent free and move to town later, if she still wanted to do so. She decided to move to a rental house very near cmapus- walking distance. There are differences, she would have been driving her car, paying insurance & maintenance & gas, not BARTing and there is snow where we live, so there were times she liked just being able to walk to campus.</p>

<p>In summary, IF you can afford it, if you can work hard over the summer to help with the costs??, live on/near campus and be a part of all that.</p>

18

<p>I think you're better off living on-campus and not commuting at least the first year and probably all years. Your dad's correct - it's not cheap (it'll be >$10k per year) but it'll likely end up making a big difference to you. I don't know your major but living on/near campus opens up other opportunities such as being able to reasonably work on-campus in a lab doing research (or just working), and it makes it logistically easier if, for example in computer science, you end up in computer labs until all hours of the night. Does you dad really want you riding Bart late at night? What if you need to be on-campus after Bart's done for the evening (assuming it doesn't run all night)?</p>

<p>If expenses are at least a part issue, offer to try to get a job in the summer and possibly a job on-campus to help offset some of the extra cost.</p>

19

<p>We are also within Bart range for Berkeley. My son lived in the dorms his first year. I think if we were going to make him commute, he would have chosen a different school. He does have a couple of friends that did Bart to Berkeley everyday and they feel they missed out on a lot. Son took a summer class last summer and did Bart. He ended up crashing at various friends houses a couple nights a week just to avoid it everyday.Plus it is approx. $15 a day to take Bart back and forth.
Try to find a way to live on campus your first year!</p>

20

<p>Seems to be a generational thing going on here. Notice many of the parents posting commuted to college. I did as well. I am glad my D is living on campus. Living on campus at one of the world's great schools is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I agree with the above poster who suggested part time work to supplement the expense...between that and the BART fare you save what will the incremental cost really amount to?</p>

<p>Good luck next year!</p>