Dating and sex at BS from a parental perspective

<p>Replied to your post in a different thread. I understand you are only posting in several threads to garner attention towards the issue, but start a new thread next time. Your post is irrelevant to “Dating and sex at BS from a parental perspective”.</p>

<p>Ya know - we don’t censor in our house. I wasn’t censored in mine way back in the day. My parent’s admonition was that if we were going to read something, or do something, that it be out in the open. Took all the mystique out of it. So it is with our kids. No mystery, hence lower sense of urgency to experiment (our kids - not every kid).</p>

<p>Nowadays - I can’t imagine how parents censor given the bazillion ways a student can work around it (library access, internet cafes, etc.). But - it should be acknowledged that different households have different belief systems which they try to impart on their own children. I think that is fair. Ours just happens to be open and as a result, they know that BSDM exists (because it’s featured on tv shows and popped up as a reference for a in a novel series the family was reading - all in context and respectfully handled. Our kids also know it’s not our lifestyle. Still - we do find it interesting to know what other people are doing. For us it’s part of understanding diversity and personal freedoms, and also lowers the shock value if we encounter someone whose lifestyle differs from ours.</p>

<p>So there is no right or wrong answer to the parenting “should they read or should they not read” question. Is 50-shades for adults? Sure. Are kids reading it anyway? You betcha. One can just hope they’re in a household where they can freely discuss the content so they can work out their questions and return to their cultural roots. IMHO.</p>

<p>I totally agree Exie,</p>

<p>our home is very similar. We have several hundred books that our children could choose from a very early age. Anything from drugs, religion, domestic abuse, its endless. Both of my children have had the freedom to choose their own opinions about many subjects from a very early age. They usually come to us to discuss these things. The most recent lengthy discussion initiated by my daughter was on “the drug war” and both sides of the controversy. This conversation was with both my 8 year old as well as my 14 year old. Sex is just one of many subjects. Nudity in art, science etc is not censored. My idea of art is broad. My kids really dont care or seem pretty uninterested as far as that goes. A long running joke in our family was that she saw Harvey Kitels *****. She was seven and we decided to watch The Piano. So, that began our open dialogue of sex and nudity in life and art. </p>

<p>I started this thread because I could sense an underlying fear in many posts where it came up.</p>

<p>I grew up in a very forced puritanical home that always felt rather hypocritical even as a child. It didnt stop me from doing anything that my parents or church forbade, it did just the opposite. But, with no guidance or support when my decisions proved to be the wrong ones for me.</p>

<p>In fact I considered my daughters input and experience when deciding to speak with my younger son on the next phase of his sex ed. She had an important perspective, as she could tell me what it was like when I spoke to her and what she would improve or thought was easy to understand, made her most comfortable etc. </p>

<p>Parenting is very personal. That is for sure. Parenting teens is particularly tricky. I have just experienced the more you talk to your kids the more they talk to you.</p>

<p>Snooping or spying came up on the other thread. This dilemma doesnt seem to come up when a child/teen knows they can come to their parents openly without judgement.They will already know you will listen and be open. And, how will they know how you react to a subject if its never come up? </p>

<p>My daughter has left her email open on my laptop. My frustration is with figuring out how to sign her out not get in. I expect privacy and respect from her if I lend her my laptop or phone. I dont see why she wouldnt expect the same from me.</p>

<p>(quietly stepping away from soap box…)</p>

<p>edited to say, yes, I realize every kid is different and this is just my experience with my own.</p>

<p>Although I obviously have no experience as a parent myself, it seems reasonably to look at your son’s Facebook when his safety and wellbeing is your only concern. There may be better ways of finding out what he’s doing, but I know that it’s often hard to know if what you’re hearing from your child is completely true. From the sounds of things, the son was actually happy to give his password, even if he doesn’t remember.</p>

<p>@UKgirl,</p>

<p>I guess my bigger point is, when there is communication, your child will more than likely come to you with these things so you wont feel the need to get information in a less than upfront way.</p>

<p>And, if a parent seeks information from the child, it wont feel like interrogation because these are things that have always been spoken about openly.</p>

<p>again, just what I think. I have only parented my own kids, I have no experience with others.</p>

<p>Parenting is intensely personal. One family’s Perfect Approach may be another family’s Recipe for Disaster. </p>

<p>I am less concerned about dating and sex than about self-image, despair, physical and mental abuse within relationships, and broken hearts. A teenager living at home may go through all the above, but not share details with parents. When the teen lives at school during term time, parents don’t even have the basic clues of “hoody up or hoody down” to gauge a child’s emotional well-being.</p>

<p>I remember having to explain Harvey Keitel’s junk too - lol!</p>

<p>My favorite story is taking the kids to New Orleans on vacation. Okay - stupid me - I didn’t know how raunchy Bourbon street was - only that I liked the Royal Sonesta as a hotel. We were searching for food when my youngest (was 8 at the time) saw a business which featured “women offering nude services.” D asked “why would a woman do such a thing?” My oldest looked up and said, “Must have low self esteem, now lets go find something to eat.”</p>

<p>I waited until they were ahead of us before my husband and I started grinning and doing high-fives. :-)</p>

<p>Seriously - I’ve learned to “hear” tone of voice and cadence. One day my D was chatting up a storm and I said “what’s wrong” and suddenly the tears began flowing like a faucet. Nothing major - just one of those “I don’t feel pretty” days. I was lucky - her friend’s mom invited her for the weekend - some home cooking and a shopping trip for a dress that was going to raise some alarms with my husband did the trick. And a former client who lives nearby ran up to do “hair” for the formal. I’ve learned that finding and tapping an extended community as an extra pair of eyes and hugs has been a life-saver.</p>

<p>A famous story in my family is about my sister overhearing the word “pimp” when she was around 8. She asked what it meant and my mother tried to explain about pimps, which then led to trying to explain what a “prostitute” was. Eventually my sister said “Oh, you mean like a hooker?”</p>

<p>As for 50 Shades, I read the first one to see what all the fuss was about. DD and I use the same Amazon account for our Kindles so I noticed that she had downloaded it and read some of it. More than the actual sex in the book, the relationship is really disturbing so that was the part I talked about with DD. On top of it all, it’s just about the worst writing I’ve ever seen!</p>

<p>My basic advice to DD about dating and sex at BS is that if she’s doing something because someone else wants her to, and not because SHE wants to, she shouldn’t be doing it. I did sign the separate consent for birth control. I very much hope that she talks to me before she decides to have sex, but if she doesn’t feel comfortable doing that I at least want her to have full access to birth control if she needs it.</p>

<p>I know some parents are probably worried that their child might not tell them if something is going on. In my opinion, you have to let them know that they can come to you if they want to have a conversation about anything, whether that be about drugs, sex, alcohol, friends, relationships, etc. I know very clearly what my parents expect from me and what they don’t want me engaging in. I’m only 14, but I have this type of relationship with my dad, so I think it prevents me from wanting to “rebel”. I think that goes for any other student. Don’t get me wrong though, you could have an open relationship with your child, and they could still be keeping things from you. Either way, they will learn from their mistakes, and they will grow from them to become more independent. There’s not really much you can do besides hope that your child learned well from what you taught him/her.</p>

<p>Disturbing to me is that the internet gives every guy pretty much unlimited access to porn and probably what they see there they think is the norm (and how to do it).</p>

<p>^ It’s not just guys that watch porn.</p>

<p>@UKgirl23 Very true!</p>

<p>I guess what I should have said was that access to porn by anyone (kids) at anytime is disturbing–especially if it is their sole information source and/or first impressions on dating, relationships and sex.</p>

<p>I suppose - but one would hope they’d get some exposure and enlightenment at home before they go to boarding school. What we used to call “porn” is now regular parts of mainstream entertainment - and even I think what is portrayed isn’t healthy.</p>

<p>Still - its a parental job. I do remember (eon’s ago in the Flinstone ages) when a classmate checked into the infirmary to get a pregnancy test because she’d been kissing a boy. My friends and I just shook our heads and wondered what else her parents didn’t tell her.</p>

<p>Visitation rules at different schools:</p>

<p>LAWRENCEVILLE

</p>

<p>EXETER

</p>

<p>DEERFIELD

</p>

<p>I hope that “shoe” does not include flip-flop…</p>

<p>Pretty much every school handbook I’ve seen specifically says there shall be no sexual contact but that doesn’t stop it any more than the rules about keeping doors ajar. There are woods and bushes and empty rooms and friends who will be lookouts…teenagers have always found a way.</p>

<p>I have to admit I was taken aback by the fairly blatant acceptance of sexual activity at D’s school. At some point she told me that right away fellow students had told her which places to avoid at which times, to avoid catching people in the act. Then there was that time at Family Weekend when we were hanging out in the dorm with D and the student dorm leader, expecting that only her roommate was in the dorm, came running in excitingly detailing her latest sexual adventure…oops. And finally, visiting with two different parents at said Family Weekend, both of whose children are sexually active, with steady partners.</p>

<p>From them I learned that at D’s school, while sex is verboten, condoms are freely available at the nurses office. When adults perceive that a couple is sexually active, they will actually give them a ride to the family planning clinic. In these particular cases it resulted in the girls going on longterm birth control. The school will intervene in cases of sleeping around or someone being taken advantage of.</p>

<p>Although it was an abrupt transition to teenage sexuality and I am thankful that at least it seems my D is not personally involved, I feel overall it’s a pretty healthy atmosphere. Much better than at our local school where kids get pregnant and pick up diseases and may be branded.</p>

<p>At DS’s school, the ubiquitous, intense pressure to get into a good college colors a lot of students’ behaviors. They are counseled about what they shouldn’t post on Facebook and counseled about the age of consent and the legal implications of a relationship. </p>

<p>The nurse at DS’s boarding school told me that as the students are so intensely focused on college, college, college, they are very proactive about seeking birth control at the campus health center.</p>

<p>As far as visitation goes, making something against the rules certainly doesn’t make it less enticing to the teenage brain…</p>

<p>I think some teenagers just mature earlier than others, and I definitely think it is a huge positive that she initiated a discussion and let you know where she is with it. In some sense, I think that indicates that she may be mature enough to handle the intimacy in a responsible manner. The fact that she is in a somewhat committed relationship would also give me some comfort. </p>

<p>I too struggle with this whole issue and it seems like it is not all that unusual for some to be active by Freshman year in high school. My husband and I just keep hitting on the issue of “self respect” every chance we get. Who knows if it will sink in or not, but we are not going to stop trying, at least during the high school years.</p>

<p>Hmmm…is it just me or are some of the recent posts from this thread deleted?</p>