Daughter Academic Suspension Help

Parents Forum
1

I have never posted in a forum like this, and am hoping for advice. We have ushered one child successfully through college already and I just feel helpless.

Our daughter began college one year ago in the summer. She started two weeks out of high school. She entered into the honors college, had an excellent GPA, and is a responsible girl. She had a tough time with a few bad breaks that really are just life…a not so great roommate, a stolen math notebook with all her work in it, another driver hit her and totaled her car, etc.

Her first semester was ok. She held her own. The next two semesters (through the spring) she struggled extensively, made a couple of Ds, and then a couple of Fs. We didn’t know about the Fs. She was so embarrassed and in a state of panic trying to fix it.

At the end of the spring semester, she received a templated email saying she was out of the honors program. A little while later, another templated email that said you have been placed on academic probation. She was honest and shared it with us. There were no details or directions of any kind.

She was signed up for three or more classes for the summer and went and changed her schedule online and dropped one or two classes and only signed up for two classes. I now know that she was in a vortex of anxiety trying to fix the whole thing. There was no direction, no hold on her registration to receive further information about probation at this time. She mistakenly thought probation wouldn’t start until the fall.

I spent a week here and there with her during the summer and I now realize she studied too much and obviously it was not effective. She performed poorly in both classes. Her math class only had two tests and her final average was a 69.8 and she needed a 70. The anxiety was obvious and heartbreaking to me as parent.

Now, all of this to say that is when she hit bottom. She was completely broken and asked us for help. We brought her home and got her to a doctor. I had suspected for a long time that she needed some type of help, but just wasn’t sure. She came out of that appointment shocked that every question he asked her seemed like a picture of her life. He encouraged her to take a break with a light load and he also prescribed something to help her anxiety. The first meds she took she said she never knew she could feel released from so much stress. Please keep in mind here that her physical symptoms had been so bad at college that she was vomiting, going for days without sleep, gained 50 pounds, and would call me crying constantly. (I found this out in bits and pieces) She was home for a couple of weeks and felt truly ready to try again.

Before we bought her home, she emailed her advisor and asked if there would be a penalty if she became a part time student during her probation. The advisor immediately responded it would be fine. Still no word about anything else.

Later my daughter tried to change her fall schedule and there was a hold on her account. She emailed her advisor and asked why. The advisor replied back that, “oops”, you weren’t on my list for probation so I didn’t know. You got lost between the honors and regular advising. You need to click on this link and watch this extensive information about what probation is and then fill out this survey saying you did it and you understand it. I instructed my daughter instead to reply that no one had notified her about any of this information upon her initial placement on probation. The advisor did not reply and two days later the advisor forwarded a templated email to her saying she had been academically suspended (obviously from her summer grades).

She is devastated and felt as though she finally had some help with her anxiety. She is now medically diagnosed (before she was suspended). She began to research and found out that other students received extensive information about probation. She did not. The email from her advisor admitted that she got lost between the honors and regular advisors.

We have tried to be supportive, but let her be independent as it worked well with our other child. We know she earned poor grades, but we also know that information was not provided to her. She read the policy about probation in the college handbook when she was placed on probation, but it was very general. The protocol and procedures were in this presentation (that she still hasn’t clicked on from a few days ago) that advising failed to provide to her. Moreover, I believe advising should have put a hold on her summer class registration until she acknowledged her probationary understanding, but the advisor admitted she fell through the cracks.

I know my daughter earned poor grades, but now we know she had a physical obstacle that hopefully has an intervention now in place. I do not want to go in blaming the college, but do you think we can go into advising with her and explain all this and ask for a petition of reinstatement based on the fact they didn’t inform her and she didn’t know about the summer classes? She now knows she would never have signed up for summer classes had she been given information about probation.

Please no lectures. We already feel like failures as parents. We have to be strong guidance for her now, and I don’t know if this is all her fault or if the college could at least meet us partway since they didn’t inform her properly (by their own words in an email). We do not want to burn bridges and we want her back on track. If you’ve been through this, please share your thoughts.

Thank you.

2

You are certainly not failures as parents! You have done everything possible to help your daughter, and the important thing is that you got her to a good doctor and she is recovering from depression and anxiety. Her health is more important than a set-back in her academic career. IF she wants to go back to this school, I would definitely go with her to advising (or above) and explain the situation, and see if she can be reinstated. Make sure you all think it is the right thing for her, though. A semester or two living at home and going to a local community college might be good, also. I think the college really dropped the ball!.

3

You are not failures. She is not a failure. She had a false start and now needs to figure out how to recover. Every kid is different, and you’ve learned that #2 needs to be ushered out into the world more gently than #1 did. Are you close enough to the school to request a meeting with advising? Not her adviser, who is likely a faculty member, but someone from the Academic Advising department who can help you understand her status and map out a plan. If you can’t get face to face a teleconference would work, but certainly in-person is better.

Another thought - would it be beneficial for her to take a re-start somewhere like a community college, allow her to take classes at a slower pace and build a strong GPA? Right now it’s about getting her confident that she can again be a high-performing student. And she might benefit from being at home a bit longer where you can keep an eye out to see if she’s drowning again.

Wherever she goes, I would look for help with time management and study habits. Many top high school students struggle when they get to college because of poor time management and study habits. Giving her some tips and tricks on how to stay on top of work could make a world of difference.

Best of luck to all of you. And kudos for getting her the help she needs.

4

You and your daughter are not faliures in the least! you and she have been doing everything possible to get her on track mentally, emotionally, and academically.

It sounds like the academic advising she received was substandard. She should not have gotten “lost between advisors…” where I teach when a student is on probation the Associate Dean of the College sends a letter to the student and CC’s the Department Head and all academic advisors (students in double majors, professional prep programs, and Honors have an advisor for each area in addition to their primary academic advisor). The student is also sent a specific “contract” detailing what they need to do to get off academic probation, and expects the advisor(s) to work with the students to help set a plan of action.

I would go to the Dean of Students (or whatever it is called at her school) for assistance with this matter, and to figure out where the ball was dropped.

All that being said only you and she can decide if this is the best school for her, or if she may be better off in a different environment, taking some time off, etc…

All the best to you and your daughter.

5

This is a blip in your daughter’s life. It will not define her. It does not define you as a parent. If it we my kid, I would have her commute to a local CC and take a few classes. See how she does. Hopefully, it will build her self confidence. I would also meet with the Dean of Students, ask for clarification about what happened and see if she can re-enroll if she does well at CC.

My S flunked out his freshman year, lost a full tuition merit scholarship and at age 23 is working and living at home. He has attended our local state U and CC and not performed well. We had him tested, he has EFD and a very high IQ. Well he loves to learn, he refuses to do what I call busy or boring work. He is not motivated to succeed in school. Yet. I am hopeful he will turn that corner at some point in time. Very frustrating as a parent. Oh, my S hated living at school. Do you think your D may be a homebody, more comfortable living at home and commuting?

Good luck!

6

You are not failures. All children are different and even the same parenting can’t guarantee identical outcomes.

Without giving away TMI about my own child, we have a very similar situation in our house, right down to being kicked out of the honors program before being expelled. We were able to get the semester expunged on a medical excuse and he was allowed to return. It’s a year later and I am again waiting to find out if he will be expelled again. This time, I don’t think we will be able to get him another chance. He has agreed to transfer closer to home after this upcoming semester, assuming he is allowed to attend (waiting on summer school grades) but wants to stay for the fall because of a commitment he made to a particular activity. I am, however, very concerned that he might not be able to transfer into the college he wants to attend and he can’t do community college because he has too many credits.

In your case, I would go to the head of the advisement department, which admits it messed up, and hold them accountable. If they refuse to take her back, at least negotiate a withdrawal or a leave of absence instead of a suspension for academic reasons. With a withdrawal or LOA, she can take classes at another school (just check the equivalencies and make sure the scores will transfer back to her school if she chooses to return) or she can just transfer somewhere else.

It’s heartbreaking when our kids fail to thrive but don’t blame yourselves. My H and I do the same and we know that we have tried our best with this child - easily the brightest of our 5 - beginning with ear tubes at 9 months through counseling in college. You can always second guess but we do our best. If we didn’t care, we wouldn’t be on this particular site!

7

I have probably seen a dozen kids who had to leave college for a year or so, in my role as a psychologist. I keep in touch with their Dean or whoever, and let them know when the young person is fit to return. Sometimes, it is better to not return to the U, but stay local. The health of the young person is most essential.

I’m still in touch with several former patients. One now has a MA, works in a U, is married with a lovely child. Another completed college in art, her preferred field. Another young man graduated with a good job. Be hopeful.

8

Can you make an appointment and see just where she stands? Can she retake the failed courses and have grade replacement? Can she take them at a community college? Can she take the online suspension video and then re-register? Can they make suggestions for courses for her, for help with study skills? You might also check with the disabilities office to see if it can be of help.

You sound calm about it, and that is probably the best thing you can do for her. Just treat it as another issue to deal with. Good luck.

9

When my son’s issues came up, I looked into whether or not he could retake the classes at the local community college and I was told that he could do that but it wouldn’t remove the failure; only retaking the class at his own school would expunge the failing grade. I don’t know if that’s the same at other schools, but I would check.

10

^^ I think that is correct at most schools, but asking is always the way to go. Usually a D or F will remain on the transcript, but if the course is retaken and a better grade is granted, then the GPA will only have the new grade averaged in.

It also may matter if the other school is in the same college system as the ‘main’ school, such as state college, community college, university. Some systems share the same gpa platforms no matter which campus you are in.

11

Thank you. As far as GPA, all grades stay even if she retakes which I find to be harsh, but I guess it’s the policy. She can apply for grade forgiveness once or twice I think. As far as community college, she already has most all lower level classes done (from high school dual enrollment) which makes it kind of hard to bring her back to our local small college. To the person that said she needs to be ushered out more gently, this helped me tremendously. We don’t want to enable her, but she is our child and we must help her. Thank you again. Her Dad will be traveling back to the University with her this week and they will set up meetings beginning with advising. To the person who said be hopeful. Thank you. There just isn’t much of a worse feeling than seeing your child on a collision course. Lastly, can anyone speak to her diagnosis of performance anxiety? Can she get any type of accommodations through disability services?

Thanks again.

12

Emailing is not as effective as meeting in person, and often dealing with a dean is needed, rather than just advising. Glad her Dad is going but he should be seeing a higher up perhaps, in addition to or instead of an advisor. They did drop the ball but that is not the main thing to address, in my opinion.

I think that you/she/her Dad should pursue a medical withdrawal and try to get them to expunge the failing grades. There is actually another thread about this. Your daughter now has a diagnosis and a professional who can document the issue. Generally medical leaves or medical withdrawal means a clean slate: grades are wiped clean. Not even W’s. See if this can be done, at least for the summer.

Anywhere she goes to school, she should register with the disabilities office. They will then give her letters to give to her professors, that she is registered. Communication with professors is up to her. Accommodations are one route, another is having support from an MD and/or therapist on campus.

Also, get tuition refund insurance…it can be essential if she returns to school.

So the vomiting, weight gain, sleeplessness and crying were all part of performance anxiety? Is that the diagnosis? This kind of problem can sometimes ease with time and experience at school. But this is also an age when mental health issues emerge. Does your daughter have any other symptoms of, say, bipolar disorder? The sleeplessness made me wonder…

Is there a physical problem like low thyroid? Weight gain made me wonder about that…

It sounds to me, and I am being honest, that this may be a somewhat life-altering problem for a little while. In other words, I would not have the expectation that this can just be patched up with meds and then she returns to normalcy What meds are being used? Some are addictive and some require adjustment in order to function.

I would take care of the clean slate business but try to convince your daughter to leave school for awhile and do something else, or take just one or two classes. Many people do college that way in fact. If she can live at home and continue to see a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist that would be helpful.

Over time, as others have said, there is lots of reason for hope and many end up doing well. But recognizing the severity of what happened and accepting the changes needed is a big first step and a hard one.

13

I think she need a good psychological help just now. And what about another collage?

14

Your daughter and her Dad need to set up a meeting with disability services as well as academic advising. Does her medical paperwork include recommendations for accommodations? She will need documentation from a doctor to be afforded accommodations. Depending on the diagnosis and recommendations, that could include extra time on tests, taking tests in a private room, or various other means of alleviating her anxiety.

If she doesn’t have recommendations yet, get her to a doctor who an evaluation. The recommendations above for a local counselor and tuition insurance are also sound.

I would also recommend regular check-ins with her regarding progress. In this case it would not be helicopter parenting - instead it would be staying close to watch for signs of her having difficulties so you can intervene before things get out of control. We had a similar situation with a family member, and she was just sent back to school a couple times with no support system and no regular check-ins. Unfortunately, she kept repeating the pattern of failure over and over.

Make sure your D signs HIPAA and FERPA waivers to you can speak with her doctors and professors. She needs your support to get to a point of independence and success. Best of luck to you.

15

You are not a failure as a parent. Your daughter is not a failure as a person. Put those thoughts away. They aren’t true and they aren’t productive.

I don’t think continuing her education is the most important thing right now. There should be two areas of focus.

The first and most important is her health. Get her healthy. If that means no college then it means no college. Nothing bad will happen if she graduates when she is a bit older or even if she never graduates. What good is a college degree if she is a broken person? It sounds like her medical treatment is on a good course. Let it continues.

The second is her educational record. Most universities have provisions to have poor academic performance removed from the record if it can be proved that medical issues caused the poor performance. It seems like the academic advisor dropped the ball. Perhaps that can be your leverage to get her to help you find the right people and the right procedures to have this done. If your daughter is too fragile right now you should help her with this.

At any rate I hope she gets her health back and that she can return to college (this one or a different one) once she is healthy again.

16

It will be okay.

As everyone has said, you and your daughter are not failures. All she has done is try something, and it didn’t work out according to plan on the first few tries. That’s okay. She can be okay, even though it feels so incredibly shocking and scary and embarassing and did I mention scary?

Having been in your shoes, all I would advise is throw out the timeline – she’ll finish a degree when she finishes a degree. It might be years. It might be someplace else. Your job is to be the anchor, to be the calm in the storm (even when you need to go cry in the bathroom on occasion). Show her that you are sure this will all be okay, and when she is 40, it will just be a story in her life. Support her in every possible way that you can – p[hysically, emotionally, financially. Ignore the naysayers and people Who Know Better. They aren’t in your shoes, and it’s just so hard. Hold hands and leap into the unknown together.

So go slow with the classes, go long with the plan. And don’t forget to have fun and have life with her outside of this. I found it very useful to have a ready phrase "No, he’s not in school/done yet , he took a break to get reorganized. " I kept telling DS he hadn’t killed anyone, broken anything, or done anything morally repugnant. He just failed, got scared, failed some more, figured it out, did better. Not great, just better. And that’s enough.

Hug her, love her, do what you are doing. Sounds like you have all the right instincts. “Things will be alright in the end, and if things are not alright, it must not be the end”.

17

If this were my child, the only thing I’d want from this particular college is a medical withdrawal with all records expunged. And then I’d help her start the hard work of healing, before even thinking about her education.

She could take a year off and do something totally different, then see whether she’d like to apply somewhere else.

Her life is not ruined. She’s just starting from a different place, and that is perfectly okay.

18

I’m a little surprised that these parents are entertaining the idea of sending the daughter back to school in the fall. I hope the H’s visit with the advisor will focus on the medical withdrawal rather than the fall plan for re-enrollment.

Having taught undergrads at several colleges, I’ve never heard of students needing to sign a form staying that they understand probation. I think this "not enough info was provided about probation"horse is being ridden a bit too hard here. Neither the parents nor the student seemed to understand that after probation, the grades need to improve in the subsequent term. How many more semesters of poor grades should be allowed before the plug is pulled? I do hope the medical withdrawal is accomplished and the student gets well.

19

I just stood in my driveway and watched my sweet girl and her dad drive away to go meet this situation head on. She has printed out lots of paperwork to show email trails, etc. and she knows she has to go in and claim responsibility for her grades and be ready to talk about a solution. She also has medical paperwork from her Dr. She and her dad have an appointment with The Dean of Students this week. She agrees that if they would allow, she would like to take one class only. Everyone has been very kind and I’ve garnished a ton of great advice from your responses.

Thank you again.

20

I really hope she (and you) entertain the possibility of taking no classes at all until she knows that she is in control of whatever it is that’s stopping her. There’s absolutely no shame in taking a step back so you can go forward with confidence, and that’s often a better idea than keeping going timidly because you are hoping against hope that this time will be different.