I am trying to be stable and confident with her and let her know this. One of my biggest concerns for her now is her level of anxiety over the future. I have tried for two weeks to exude calm as I let her know that baby steps are in order here. If it means a semester or two off, then that’s okay. In fact, anything is okay as long as she regains her health.
Reminds me of how a major university kicked me out of its honors program after the first trimester… although they had never bothered to tell me that there was an honors program, let alone that I was in it. No advising; it was the 70s. 
Anyway, you sound like great parents, and I doubt this episode will have any major effect on your daughter’s life…other than the very positive effect from getting a problem diagnosed and treated and from having loving parents providing effective support during a difficult time.
What makes you think your daughter is prepared for college, in general? What kind of high school stats and courses? Any AP 5’s?
The whole “she studies so long and her grades never improve” teases out a lack of maturity and likely non-existent study skills. Parents act surprised because 1) child had A’s and B’s in high school 2) child was accepted to a university (as if, why would they accept someone who isn’t capable?). These days ANYONE can get into a university and about 50% nationally fail out.
I vote for no courses this fall. Take a break, volunteer, get a part time job. If they give her a withdrawal on any previous courses consider it a Godsend.
I hope I never came across that crass implying that because my child was accepted to a university or was an honors student that this just couldn’t possibly happen to her. The bottom line here is its been a year of hell watching my child in physical torture from severe anxiety. Other students received intervention at the onset of their probation. A six week summer catapulted my daughter into suspension and this Mama just wants someone to explain why she wasn’t worthy of those same interventions that perhaps would have made a world of difference in her life. Maybe it wouldn’t have helped, but she at least deserved that chance and not a suspension letter with an “oops we let you drop through the cracks” note on top.
Your daughter is 20-years-old. The fact she requires a parent to navigate this is a huge red flag to the university. The college does not want to hear from parents. Your daughter is an adult. I’m sorry but she does not sound college ready at this moment.
I disagree, jd65432, no human brain is developed enough at 20, one year out of high school, with obvious some health-related issues, to deal with this without some parental input. (except maybe that exceptional 12-yr old from the other thread, ha ha).
I think your post is a little harsh. This is a LOT. Not just some minor blip of a problem. And the college hasn’t exactly put it’s best foot forward in helping her navigate.
Now I wish the OP and her daughter only the very best, and if it takes some guidance on their part, then that’s what any responsible parent would do. From experience, I think I might agree to some extent with the posters who feel that a better course of action would be to sit out of college a bit, and just take the slow road to a degree, but no one knows this young lady like her family, so I do wish them well. And would not hesitate to urge them to keep being involved.
Hugs, OP
@dixieandy -
It sounds like you have a solid plan. I hope that it works out for your family. I really wanted my son to come home this semester and take it off, but he feels loyalty to the semester long commitment he made to an activity. He can’t be replaced till next semester.
You asked about performance anxiety and accommodations. Here’s my abbreviated story:
Our son has ODD with performance anxiety. As he gets older, the ODD is dissipating but the perf anx is worsening. He scored 760 on the verbal SAT and a perfect 36 in english on the ACT without studying for either. He placed out of English 101 at college but has failed 102 three times. Clearly, he has the ability but he freezes up at writing anything that requires him to share anything about himself with others. If he doesn’t pass it this semester, he will have to leave college for the time being because I can’t keep spending money when he won’t be able to graduate without passing this class. He refuses writing assistance. The sad part is that he can write - he gets A’s on his poli sci and history papers because those don’t require him to share anything of himself. When he feels boxed in, he just stops going to class.
As for accommodations, we have been offered tutoring, counseling, mentoring. He isn’t willing to accept any of these but he finally understands, I think, that this semester is his last rodeo unless something changes.
It’s hard not to sound punitive when talking about taking our kids, especially bright and capable ones, out of college.
Good luck to all of you.
TM
@NinaReilly Colleges do not want parents involved. It’s in most cases breaking privacy laws and opens them up to a lawsuit, and it all but proves the student is a liability. Sugarcoating this does not help the OP. The parent is clearly running the show here and the results are going to be disappointing.
I’m also suspicious of parents claiming ADD and ADHD and anxiety have doomed their adult children at college. Nearly 80% of Stanford students use the mental health clinic during college; 80% don’t fail out of Stanford. Mature, college-ready students can multi-task and proactively combat a mental health issue like anxiety and not let it doom their grades.
“(except maybe that exceptional 12-yr old from the other thread, ha ha).”
They need it too. No exception.
"Colleges do not want parents involved. "
Nor parents should care what colleges want when their kids have dire need for it. That’s what a family is for.
“parents claiming ADD and ADHS and anxiety have doomed their adult children at college. Nearly 80% of Stanford students use the mental health clinic during college; 80% don’t fail out of Stanford.”
Could be that the 80% don’t fail out because they are cared and are receiving necessarily attention from the school as well as their parents.
@dixiedandy I read all this and thought how wonderful it is that your daughter came to you for help and has been so honest about the whole thing. And that you and your husband are being so supportive. You clearly have a very special bond. And I agree with other posts that this you will figure it all out, in the end…it will be just fine. Anxiety is very real, and it stinks, but dealing with it now will make a world of difference.
Parental involvement is appropriate and essential in a situation like this.
One class may be a way to stay in the saddle so to speak. Or it may be better to do something other than school. Only you and your family know. I think, when anxiety is a factor, that structure can help a lot, so help her assemble a weekly schedule of volunteering or work or class or whatever. Some of the kids I know in this situation have done National Outdoor Leadership School or WOOF’ed (look it up). Everyone is different in what helps and you know best.
I hope the school agrees to a medical withdrawal with grades expunged. But after a few years that issue will fade, it really will.
There are many ways to do school, and many ways to grow up. Many on here have had kids with similar difficulties at one time or another and can tell you that it is possible to thrive in the not too distant future.
ps if ANY professional makes you feel as if this is your fault, walk away, and maybe complain to a supervisor
“I would help my kids whenever necessary, and not wait until it gets serious … without reservation on how others would think”
Exactly. I will always err on the side of doing too much rather than not enough … because not enough is something that you might regret for the rest of your life. There is way too much stress in high achieving kids these days (the OP’s daughter was in honors college). I hate it. It’s robbing them of their childhood and creativity, imho. The OP should not waste a millisecond on the Internet Keyboard Commandos like JDwhatever and listen to the people here giving practical advice on the situation.
Colleges don’t want parents calling professors and fighting their student’s battles, but I’ve never heard of a school not allowing parents to participate, with the student’s permission, on trying to solve a problem or come up with a plan or solution. I know many parents who deal with the disabilities office.
I’m close friends with a several college faculty and they REFUSE to respond to parents. About anything. Period.
How are grades expunged retroactively for anxiety? Did the child never attend? Did the child not know the withdrawal policy? It sounds like she passed some classes and failed others. I have never heard of just giving someone a clean slate. That’s a VERY lucky break.
Dear @dixiedandy
First, as a mom of a DD with extreme anxiety, I want to pass along that when a student has a serious medical condition, and the student wants the parents involved, the school, even a large university, can be very happy to have the parents involved. Even if your child is 19, as is mine.
I know this from personal experience, because my DD’s anxiety medication failed freshman year. She recognized the symptoms, because she has suffered from clinical anxiety most of her teen/young adult life. She was barely able to function, but she did get word out to her counselor and her parents that she was in trouble. Together we got her help.
My daughter’s medication is night and day for her, in terms of her ability to function. I don’t know if this is true for everyone, but once her dose is tweaked, she is soon back to normalcy. It is never about needing psychological counseling, or taking time off. This is a chemical imbalance.
Supporting your daughter, helping her with her medical needs, is necessary at this time in her life. Please don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.
Best of luck with the school; it sounds like your husband and daughter are well prepared.
IMO, you are way over the top with these absolute and categorical statements. First of all, this isn’t a faculty issue, it is an administrative issue. Second, to say, as you did in another post, that a 19-20 year old can deal with this is absurd. To use an analogy, many or even most first time mothers, even a much older one in her 30’s, have their parents come help with a new baby, due to lack of experience. This may be far removed with regard to the particular issues involved, but it is similar in one key principle. A person this age has no experience in dealing with these kinds of issues, usually, and acting alone would be at a severe disadvantage to the administration.
This is a complex and emotionally charged issue where most people would need help to deal with adults who are far more used to administrative red tape and being in power. You really think most people in this student’s situation could handle that alone? Besides the fact that this could affect the rest of her life and you want the parents to stand on some non-existent principle of parental non-involvement in a situation crucial part to their child’s well being, the parents are footing the bill. They have a right to see that their investment was given all due consideration.
To use another analogy, if I were in a situation where, even as an adult long experienced in business, I had issues that were beyond my scope, I would bring in a lawyer, an accountant, whatever I needed to deal with another party who was threatening my future and had more expertise than I. That is all that is happening here. The parents are advocates for the child. Your comments seem heartless and misplaced, not to mention considerably overly generalized. Parents shouldn’t get involved with grade disputes, roommate squabbles (except in dangerous situations), etc. but this is not remotely any of those things.
Posts about another child’s situation, beyond the initial post of how it relates to this thread’s situation, were hijacking the thread. They have been removed.
@jd65432 This is a crisis situation. All people, regardless of age benefit from another person’s help when their life is in crisis. You are treating this like it is the sort of anxiety that everyone faces in daily life. If the OP’s daughter has a medical diagnosis the anxiety goes further than daily transient anxiety. I think it is unfortunate that we use the same language for anxiety disorder as we use for the daily anxiety that people experience in the normal course of life. A medical diagnosis goes much further than the sort of anxiety that students feel over time pressure and tests. It’s crippling and this student needs someone to help her right now. She would need someone if she was 40.
I have a friend who experienced this sort of thing at a state university here in FL. Although she passed some classes she got a medical withdrawal for the semester of her crisis. The semester was completely expunged from her record.
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Administration are trained and drilled to not speak to parents due to privacy laws. If your college is letting you in on grading issues and health concerns they are foolishly risking their jobs to do so.