<p>My DD is scheduled to leave for OOS in two weeks, she becoming increasingly anxious and in her words, "terrified", about leaving her hometown. The college is a 2 hour flight from home/10 hour drive, not across the country. She stayed in the dorms for orientation last month and after three days she was all smiles and felt great (first day was very shaky). My DH and I will fly up with her for dorm check-in and be in the area for 4 extra days. Any suggestions?? Would it be a good idea if I stayed in the area for an additional week (first week of school) just to make sure she is okay??? She has had an anxiety disorder most of her life, under treatment, takes low level Zoloft, and does very well ... until now. </p>
<p>My "gut" feeling is that she has go, as scheduled, with an adequate support system in place, i.e. local therapist, etc. I have checked into the school counseling center, they are very open with this type of student, encouraging visits to the center, etc.</p>
<p>Any other suggestions would be welcome. I love this board, it is a wealth of information and support...</p>
<p>So normal and expected…please assure her (and yourself) that everyone is in this position and that she will find alot of company in her dorm etc…</p>
<p>Not sure if she has ever been away from home before, but it takes at least a few weeks/months to get over the feeling of being overwhelmed and homesick…totally normal…</p>
<p>…and, yes, there are TONS of resources on all campuses to deal with this; they have seen it all…</p>
<p>Our D who does not transition well was “freaking out” last week and through move-in…is doing very well since we left…I would not stay for a week</p>
<p>What does her current therapist suggest? Is she already set up with a local therapist? Could an early session be done with that therapist by phone? (Probably not covered by insurance, though.) Some scheduled appoints once or twice a week for the first couple of weeks she’s there? </p>
<p>I don’t think that you staying a second week is a good idea. I’m not sure staying more than 3 days is a very good idea; she may find the transition even harder if she’s constantly having to say goodbye to you. </p>
<p>That said, I’d make sure to know about withdrawal deadlines and fees you would still owe. A flying visit shortly before that deadline would let you get some sense of where she is at that point and whether the situation is tenable, before the financial implications are too unbearable. </p>
<p>Tough to watch, I’m sure. It may be that when you’re not around she is actually happier than it might seem. (Remember the toddlers/kindergartners who sobbed as moms left them at school? Year after year, the vast, vast majority were quite happy five minutes later.)</p>
<p>Do NOT stick around. Remind her of her orientation- shaky start but happy ending. Very normal to have misgivings before this life change. Go with your gut feelings. Do not destroy her new experience with her classmates by being around/available. There will be plenty of others with the same feelings- let them work it out together without hovering parents. Likewise you will have to watch out for rescue attempts as the year progresses. I have seen many posts on CC about worrisome calls home that the student later dismisses as trivial. You might want to establish a weekly, no more frequent, call to/from home to avoid becoming too involved in her college life. Easy to send emails with news of home without invading her space.</p>
<p>My DS who also suffers from anxiety was vomiting in our hotel room 2 nights before move in and shaking like a leaf in the car btw hotel and school. Once we got there, however, and he got very busy things improved immensely. I think the waiting/anticipation is the worst for these kids. Mine was not in great shape in the weeks before we left although his MO is to pretend nothing is happening. He is on meds and fully aware of what the health service can offer. He dreaded the goodbye such that he pushed us away - we were pm with anything that made it easier. Talked to him last night for first time since leaving Thurs and he was upbeat and chatty re his classes.
I think the more we - parents - can show our confidence in the kids ability to succeed the better. Just my opinion but based on years of dealing with his condition. That said, although we are plane ride away he know we’d be there asap. Hope for the best and please keep us posted.</p>
<p>OP- you will start to feel like a third wheel after the first evening.</p>
<p>Your D needs you for a run to Walmart or Target or Kohls or Staples (depending on what she’s forgotten); may need you to help figure out logistics for extra hanging space or to drill a hook for her bathrobe into the closet (if the dorm allows drills); may want your company as she stands on line to get her ID photo or does a trial run at the ATM.</p>
<p>Other than that? She needs to be learning the ropes with her dorm mates- when to get to the dining hall, how to access the IT help line, how to get her laundry done, etc. The longer you are there, the more you will increase her need to have you there, since she won’t be bonding with everyone else as they make these early mistakes together.</p>
<p>She wouldn’t be human if she weren’t experiencing anxiety right now. Make sure she has her support system in place, but don’t pathologize what she’s feeling right now… most kids experience what she’s feeling, and having a parent around only reinforces her fears.</p>
<p>Try to have as little contact as possible with her in those 4 days you are hanging around, and especially avoid meal times… that way she will get used to going to the school cafeteria with her floormates. Otherwise she may get out of the loop. </p>
<p>You might want to go over the list of clubs and organizations on campus with her and pick a few for her to check out, and covenant that she will do that as a way of making connections with other kids on campus and so she doesn’t withdraw into herself.</p>
<p>And Wis75 gave excellent advice… be suppportive but don’t rush in to rescue. She did fine at orientation. She - and you - will be fine now, but she’s got to learn to do it without training wheels, as they say.</p>
<p>It is a huge transition. No longer hs seniors, on top of the heap, knowing every in and out. It is ok. Thousands go through it. It sounds like you’ve done what you can and the final step- the hardest- is to let her go. Agree you can casually let her know the anxiety is common. Agree not to stick around. And, IME, after the first phone call home, keep most of them supportive but short. (Maybe set one day of the week when she knows she can count on you for a longer, more in-depth talk; that can be reassuring.) She needs to see she can manage. All this always reminds me of their first day in kindergarten. No matter what we can do, they need to take that first step. When we dropped them at college, after the WalMart run and some walking together across campus, D1 bounded off. D2 cried. Make sure to plan ahead to get a room for parents’ weekend. Don’t plan 24/7 with her that weekend. Good luck.</p>
<p>Go over a simple “plan” for the first days (food, parties to attend etc). Do not stick around. Let her go eat with others for meals. It’s a time for establishing friendships. Figuring out how to eat on your own (with or without companions) is an emotional step.</p>
<p>Every kid is different, but unless you are really concerned that her anxiety will make her completely unable to function, let her cope and do NOT hang around. My two oldest kids have both gone OOS and not nearby (son is a freshman now) and all you’ll do by staying is prevent her from meeting kids during the same time period everyone else does, which could lead to less friends/more social issues later on.</p>
<p>FWIW, our son had late concerns about whether he’d make friends, etc. He’s a week and a half in, and he seems to be doing quite well. If you’re old enough to get the reference, think Allan Sheman’s Camp Granada.</p>
<p>I can still remember DD did not want my DW to leave on the first day of kindergraden. she grabed her foot and was crying like a baby. Actually, everyone in her class were doing the same thing. </p>
<p>What did you do with your DD then? You probably will have to do the same this trip…</p>
<p>I second, third, fourth the advice above–don’t stay more than the absolute minimum. Help her move in, get settled, run initial errands, certainly. Maybe, given her history, make really sure there is a good support network. Otherwise, drift into the background and let her make the adjustment. The first few days will be rough, but I think hanging around will probably just prolong the pain for both of you. </p>
<p>My DD called home in tears about 24hrs after we got back from dropping her off–it was like a knife in my chest. The next morning she was fine; she had just been cold (for some reason there was no hot water in her shower), maybe hungry, lonely, and TIRED (between jet lag and doing a Habitat construction preO project). A nights’ sleep, some company, and retail therapy changed everything. An earthquake, hurricane, and the first day of classes–it’s all good.</p>
<p>We live in CA and our DD decided on a college in Massachusetts. My sister lives about 2 hours drive away, so she would have some support back there. We went back a few days early to buy things she needed but we didn’t want to ship. About 36 hours before she was to move into her dorm, she broke down in tears. Didn’t know if she made the right choice, etc. Mom and she cried a lot. </p>
<p>It was a very somber drive to school on move in day. She had emailed back and forth with her two roommates but had never met them before. They were very nice young women and within a short time DD and her roommates were just talking away. Next thing you know, my wife and I were getting that “it’s OK to leave now” look. We left.</p>
<p>We had planned our flights such that we would be in town about 2 days after move in day. We stayed away from school and justed talked to her on the phone each evening. She was fine. We did have lunch with her just before we headed for the airport. A few tears, mostly from Mom. She had a good year and is just now starting her sophomore year.</p>
<p>IMHO, good roommates make a big difference. They don’t have to be great as there are plenty of other people to associate with in school. However, a rift between roommates can become unbearable (as happened to my niece). If there are roommate issues, address them ASAP with the school. </p>
<p>Also, success in school goes a long way to making it a pleasant experience. Make sure your daughter keeps up with her studies.</p>
<p>Much of her anxiety is normal, as you know, and due to lack of confidence. </p>
<p>Maybe you could remind her that in spite of her anxiety, you have complete confidence in her ability to adjust to school. Otherwise, you would never have sent her. You know her better than anyone, and you would never send anyone you love so much off to a school unless you were sure she could handle it. Remind her that her anxiety is normal, and NOT a sign that she can’t handle being at school.</p>
<p>Encourage her to find supports, contact old friends, make new ones, and connect with a new therapist. Even if you are worried, let her know you are completely confident in her ability to manage her anxiety and adjust to school.</p>
<p>As others have said be prepared to disappear during the 4 days. Your main purpose is to be there for the shopping trips to outfit her dorm, get forgotten items and stock up on some consumables. A last dinner/meal out before you leave is good, but work it around her schedule. Our youngest chose to eat out during orientation because he knew he’d be facing the same dorm food for months. It didn’t harm his making friends those first few days (that happened mainly during the first two weeks of class).</p>
<p>Unless there’s a really unusual serious issue, I suggest not staying an extra week and even staying 4 days afterwards is pushing it quite a bit. I think a lot of parents leave either right after getting them settled in the dorm or the next day depending on logistics and timing. It shouldn’t take more than an afternoon or morning to do a run to Target if needed but even that likely isn’t needed. If you think about it, what would staying extra time really accomplish? She really shouldn’t be heading to your hotel room to stay with you in place of the dorm so assuming that wouldn’t happen then you’d probably barely see her anyway since she’ll be busy with classes and perhaps other welcome type activities - which she should really try to participate in. She surely isn’t going to want you to walk to her classes with her and be with her every moment. Even if she did do something extreme like stay in your hotel room instead of the dorm it has to transition at some point and it’s better for her and you to have that happen in as normal a fashion as possible.</p>
<p>Nowadays there’s ubiquitous phone contact due to cell phones, texting, IMing, Skyping, etc. so the ‘separation’ really is not nearly as great as it used to be in our day regardless of the actual physical distance. It might also help to remind her that she’ll be back home in just a couple of months for Thanksgiving (assuming she’s returning home then).</p>
<p>btw - Anxiety at this point is not unusual at all. Your D (and you) will be in good company of many others who are experiencing the same emotions whether it’s noticable or not.</p>
<p>Thank you everyone for the kind and wise comments! I definitely will NOT stay the extra week, make myself scarce the four days we are there and take a deep breath myself! It is very comforting to hear others have gone through the same issues and have come out okay. We have three weeks to go, she is spending most of her time with her friends, sleepovers, movies etc.; tears are worse here at home with me. </p>
<p>I will keep you all posted, thanks again for your “cyber-support”</p>
<p>DD went to a therapist today (without me), then we went college shopping! She seems much better with leaving, has spoken with many of her friends that have already started and they all LOVE it! </p>
<p>Parents also should keep in mind that some kids – like my S – usually only call home when there’s a problem. And my S does not call to say that a problem was resolved or that everything is fine. We have an agreement for him to initiate a voice call once a week and text/email mid-week. Once I complained via text when he hadn’t communicated at all in almost a week – he responded, “well, I didn’t have any problems.” Also, as he matured (now a junior), the “problem” calls diminished as I encouraged him to solve issues on his own, just talking over options, etc.
I do think the kindergarten analogy fits well…
Also keep in mind that YOUR attitude as her mom will be critical – stay positive and assume all will work out great for her.</p>
<p>Cheval, my D discovered last year that there were a LOT of kids at her college on anti-anxiety meds. Your D will not be alone in her fears or with her condition. Before you go, discuss some coping strategies with her, discuss that everyone is nervous, and remind her where the counseling center is. </p>
<p>Be there on the phone to listen, but don’t solve her problems for her. Ask her for some suggestions on the best way to handle her problems and help her figure out which of them is best. Or if she’s completely frozen in fear, direct her to the counseling center, or the other appropriate resource (Office of Student Life, Academic Dean, etc depending on the problem).</p>
<p>I expect you know your D’s red-flags and warning signals when a serious anxiety crisis is coming on. If you spot those, THEN step in. </p>
<p>But I suspect she’ll end up being fine. If she loved orientation, it will probably all work out.</p>
<p>(Midwest Mom is right - kids call home when they’re upset or mad or confused, but rarely to tell us all is wonderful or the problem is fixed. As the saying goes, they save the drama for their mama!)</p>