<p>My straight A 16 year-old sophomore is at the end of her rope. She has worked so hard to achieve great grades during 9th grade and first semester of 10th. She has become very emotional about school and has stated many times that she just does not see the point any more. She is frustrated by the "busy work" given in each class and the hours of homework that is required by each teacher. Her life consists of school - homework - bed - repeat.</p>
<p>Her social life is non-existent and she has told me that she feels like she is a lost cause at school as she is seen as the "smart, quiet girl" that people are nice to but don't want to be friends with. I am just heart broken by how much pain she is in right now. </p>
<p>I have suggested that she look for a job to meet new people and do some volunteer in our community. I've also encouraged her to be more active in school and try to break into the very clicky groups that she seems to be left out of. Of course, this is easier said than done. I am just stumped about what to do about her lack of motivation to continue to progress in school academically.</p>
<p>I have told her that she has 2 1/2 more years at high school and she should look at the big picture, but 2 years for a 16 year old can seem like a life time. Any suggestions that would help keep her on track academically and how to help her socially would be greatly appreciated.</p>
<p>Joining some ECs would help, OP what are her academic interests? Something like debate depending on what she’s interested in would help her meet other high achievers.</p>
<p>I think the key for her is to find an EC (or two) that interests her and she will find like-minded kids. I don’t mean something that will look good on college apps - I mean something that interests her. Has she looked into clubs, activities, etc?</p>
<p>She has no friends at all? This must be so hard for her.
I don’t think id encourage her to break into the cliques that are not accepting as it may add more pressure and disappointment. I’d encourage her to explore her interests, in or out of school. By doing activities that interest her she will find it easier to bond with others with similar interests. What does she enjoy on her own time? Start there. All work and no play isn’t anyone’s idea of a life.</p>
<p>Looking for another outlet, either job, in the community, church group, or a club at school is a great equalizer to the stressors of academics. I would caution against concentrated efforts to ‘break into’ any specific social group as this usually leads to disappointment. Making friends, finding something to be involved in you enjoy outside of the drudgery of academics, is a better goal. My kids had great social groups in their ECs, an unlikely, motley crew that just seemed to gel.</p>
<p>Maybe she needs something beyond academics… you might track down a copy of the book “How to Be a High School Superstar: A Revolutionary Plan to Get Into College by Standing Out (Without Burning Out)” by Cal Newport. She doesn’t need straight "A"s to succeed, and in fact might get a lot more satisfaction out of life by consider what is important to her and refocusing some of her energy outside academics. She sounds like she is “burned out”, so maybe this would help.</p>
<p>She played on a JV sports team 9th and 10th grade, but has stated that she will not try out again as she is not very good and will get cut (juniors/seniors must make the varsity team) She is very good at math and I thought she was proud of her grades. Now she says they are holding her back socially as nobody want to be friends with the smart kid. I’m not buying this, as there are many smart kids that seem to be just fine socially at her school. Unfortunately, she really has no outside interests to speak of. I think we just gave her a pass in that area as she seemed to be that kid that like to spend time alone and didn’t want too much attention called to herself. Social media is definitely not helping, as she sees every instagram photo and every tweet of every social activity that she was not invited to. Now she is paying the price for us letting her be so passive. She is just so unmotivated to try anything new. She is in a couple of clubs at school, but nothing she is passionate about. I want to shake her and tell her she just need to go out and do something, anything.</p>
<p>Thanks for the book suggestion, I will definitely check it out. It sounds right up our alley.</p>
<p>Oh, DS that loved Knowledge Bowl. Our shy DD would have loved it had it existed at the hs back then… in college she enjoyed trivia contests and even appeared on Jeopardy. </p>
<p>Jobs are a lot of commitment. Many employers want 20 hours/week, and that is too much to allow intense academics and a social life.</p>
<p>The fact that she has no outside interests to speak of is more likely what is holding her back socially- not her grades or math ability. Someone who does nothing but study is not very interesting or fun to be around.
She needs to discover her interests. Finding things you enjoy doing is what makes getting up everyday worthwhile. How about music? Art? Are there things you can expose her to as a family that might create a spark?</p>
<p>She should find new interests or ECs that are outside of school. This way she could meet people with similar interests and her HS reputation is not known. Yes, Facebook photos are terrible to self esteem; everyone always “looks” like they are having a fantastic time (even if this is not true), so I would really stop the FB and instagram visits. I second intparent’s suggestion of “How to be a HS superstar.” It would relieve the academic pressure valve AND get her to meet different, like-minded people (and possibly a mentor) and she would be a specialist, which she probably would like. I would also suggest really different activities to explore, you can make it as different or standard as you like. Weird fun ideas: bowling, archery, ceramics classes, self defense, acting class, robotics, computer programing, flower arranging, piano, computer art. I would also be concerned that she may try to back off on the grades just to make herself more “popular,” so keep an eye out for that.</p>
<p>^^^Ditto what Moonchild just said. She’s your child, you must have some idea of what she enjoys. If she truly has no interests in life she may have an issue with major depression. Don’t ignore this! Teenagers with depression are very different from what we see in adults with it. </p>
<p>I personally know a 9th grade girl who lost interest in sports, clubs, school, her appearance and friends over the past year. She finally had an evaluation with a psychiatrist about a month ago and is on a low dose of Abilify. It’s very subtle in that she is not hyper or manic. But she now is interested in life, her future, her clothes and is her old charming self. I know some parents are against medication for children but no amount of talk therapy helped her. Her mom says they noticed her bad temper disappeared right away.</p>
<p>Do you have a Parks & Recreation Department where you live? In my area they publish a whole book of classes twice a year. Exercise, sports, crafts, sewing, cooking, computer skills, kayaking and on and on. Maybe you can find an activity she would enjoy and the two of you participate in the program together.</p>
<p>Maybe she doesn’t need school. Is there a program where she can be taking all or most of her classes at a local community college? (or even a four-year one? Mine did - at 13). Does she really need the busy work?</p>
<p>I think she has good reason to be depressed! And the problem is much more likely to be the environment than a psychological problem.</p>
<p>I am so sorry for your daughter and understand how your heart hurts. It is heart breaking especially when it is your child and you know how great she is. I have had a similar experience with our daughter. She is now a senior. My daughter is a strong student but not straight A’s and she’s certainly not a math student. You daughter is very lucky to be a good math student.
My daughter found that she loved theater. She started off with a teen group in a community theater before doing high school theater. If your D doesn’t want to be on stage working behind the scenes is very rewarding such as sets and especially lighting. Another avenue I’d suggest, if you can afford it, is a summer study program at a university. Most universities have programs and there are all kinds of subjects to study. My daughter is a writer and did a summer writing program at U of Maine and really enjoyed it! Then last summer she had the experience of a lifetime visiting Oxford University for the month of July studying literature. She made life long friends there, seriously! They sent her gifts for her birthday and Christmas. A group of them text each other regularly as non of them live in the same state (yes, they’re all American). It doesn’t matter now that she sees those pictures on instgram etc. she has her group that she “chats” with even if it is only through facebook and texing. These are all kids are smart and enjoy learning and want to learn more. This experience built my daughter’s confidence in herself!! American high schools are hard because it is all about socializing and football and if you’re not into all of that well…your out. My daughter joined the school drill/dance team and like your daughter no one was mean but no one was her friend.
Now for the BEST part!! Your daughter is going to make it through this!! And when she is a senior with good grades, good test scores (SAT - not too early to start preparing) and she definitely is going to need some good extra curriculars such as volunteering, theater, job, summer programs at a university (whatever) she is going to have many doors open to her for college. Her extracurriculars my prove very important for her college application. My non straight A student was offered a scholarship for $15,000 per year ($60,000 - 4/yrs)!!! at a solid school. Your daughter’s peers may not have as many opportunities. She will be proud of her accomplishments and college, which is literally around the corner will be an exciting adventure to look forward to. FYI, when my daughter was a sophomore she was FREAKING out about college and having literal panic attacks about it… going to two different universities for summer programs took that fear away and she is SO EXCITED for next year. (Well, we’re still waiting to see if she gets into her dream school). Good luck and I am so sorry you and your daughter are having to deal with this.</p>
<p>Me again. I agree if she has NO interest in anything and not willing to try something new then depression may be an issue. Feeling isolated and not having friends will create that though but she’s going to need to try. If she’s not willing then she may need to see a professional.
I also agree with Mini - I have a friend who’s daughter went to community college for her senior year. Not sure if she took her GED and then went to community college or what but she too didn’t feel like traditional high school was for her.</p>
<p>While high schools can be tough for kids of all types, it seems that this young person has no interests outside of grades. I’d be more concerned about this than where she’s going to school. Going to a CC but continuing on the same path won’t make her happier. She needs to discover who she is and what makes her want to get up each day. I doubt getting straight A’s would do it for anyone for long, unless the grades were a reflection of her passion for learning, which is not the case here. Kids with a passion for learning have interests- tons of them.</p>
<p>Maybe having your daughter engage with a program for the homeless might be helpful? Or an animal shelter? Totally not minimizing her plight…just thinking about the old adage, “Make yourself happy by making others happy.”</p>
<p>“Yes, Facebook photos are terrible to self esteem; everyone always “looks” like they are having a fantastic time (even if this is not true), so I would really stop the FB and instagram visits.” </p>