Daughter lost her scholarship

Parents Forum
21

OP this must be very frustrating! I am so sorry to hear – esp that the scholarship may be lost. If I were i your shoes I would be just as upset. Some ideas…

  1. as suggested above, contact the school and find out a definitive answer. Is it gone for good? I would actually call ahead (before she gets home) and see if they will give you any info. It would be better to know a bit beforehand since you are so angry.

  2. Find some way to deal with your frustration. I go for looooong walks when my kids are giving me headaches.

  3. Which leads to next point. Health, mental health and getting to the bottom of what is really going on.

  4. On a more positive note, sharing her life with someone may be a huge deal for her right now. Be careful not to be so angry that she is afraid to tell you “I am in love” (if she is). Not that she should throw her scholarship away for a relationship but on the other hand, imagine – if she marries this guy, the scholarship does take second place. In an ideal situation she would balance it all but…well, life happens.

Come to terms with the idea that she may have had her chance, and she may have blown it. You have other kids to provide for, and you will not be able to salvage this financially if she lost the scholarship. Try to face your emotions honestly about this. It is a sad fact of life that we can’t give our kids everything (and we can’t force them to appreciate things, either). You might feel guilt, rage, sorrow, whatever. It is perfectly understandable. Just perhaps not to her. Kids have a very different perception of time and possibility and responsibility. She may not get the enormity of what she has done right now, but someday she will. Think of her 25 years from now, looking back. Let her remember how firm yet supportive you were.

There are many paths to an MSW. Hers may take a more roundabout route. Or she may have to do something else. But if you can find a way to minimize your own stress (and place responsibility of work/college more squarely on her shoulders) you can face this knowing that you have done your best, now it is up to her to step up and figure out some next steps.

22

My son lost a scholarship and is not in school now. He is working full time and supporting himself (mostly) in a shared apartment.

As far as school, we have funds saved and could contribute to his cost. I have told him that I want him to pay for 1 or 2 community college classes and do well in them before I will pay for more college for him. I paid for classes that he flunked or dropped. He doesn’t think that’s unreasonable.

He’s definitely taking a roundabout path but he’s doing OK. He seems much more mature in lots of ways. Still a work in progress but there is progress.

I was pretty angry with my son but I’m over that now. Vent if you need to but try to be calm with her and figure out what went wrong and where to go from here.

23

OP,

If you don’t want to pay, don’t pay. Tell her why you are cutting off the funds. Tell her you are mad. Very mad. Don’t pussy foot around the issue(s) either. Straight talk. No equivocation either. Be clear. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Never bluff. If you don’t mean it don’t say it. Give her a chance to explain herself. Listen. Be fair and reasonable. Calm down. Think about it. Ask follow up questions after a few days. Check with husbands, wives, spouses, whatever. Then tell her how to earn back your trust and your money. That is what I would do. And I am very rarely wrong. About anything.

24

Before S1 headed off to college with a generous merit scholarship, we told him the cautionary take of his 2 cousins mentioned in post#15.

We made it clear to him that if he doesn’t do his part, then neither shall we.

25

If either of my children lost their scholarships, I wouldn’t necessarily think it was because they were partying or not taking college seriously. One has some learning issues and the other is in a tough engineering school. However, it wouldn’t matter what the reason was, I can’t pay, borrow, or steal the money they’d need to remain at the school.

I’d just feel a lot more compassion for them losing it because of a ‘good’ reason than I would if either was crowned party princess. Result would be the same (couldn’t return to school) but my attitude would be different.

26

I’ve read too many stories of female students falling apart after being raped to leap to conclusions about what happened.

I think it would be a good idea to sit down with her and have a heart to heart about what happened before expressing your–totally understandable–anger. You need to know what really happened. Starting off by telling hr you are furious may not be the best way to get there. You can certainly make it clear that this is a very serious matter that you must discuss honestly.

27

Very practically, if she needed the scholarship to attend and the scholarship is gone, there’s no choice but plan B. Hopefully, you can figure out a plan B together. I don’t hold out a lot of hope for an appeal for a student who had all D’s and F’s.

I know you’re upset, but your daughter is not the first to flame out and she certainly won’t be the last. I’ve worked with college freshmen for a couple,of decades and can tell you that relationships (starting them, ending them, staying in them) derail a lot of young people, especially those without, as you put it, common sense. There’s no parent sending the beloved home or insisting that the phone gets put away so homework gets done. We forget that the prefrontal cortex is still maturing, and with any maturation process, it happens later in some than others.

28

Ugh.

I think D owes you a very complete and detailed explanation. Kids don’t usually earn 100% full rides without a lot of careful and loving upbringing from parents like you. Your hopes and dreams must feel just as dashed as her own.

Once you get that explanation, you might feel a lot more sympathetic to how this all came about - or you might feel more angry - but either way, the wound needs to be fully and completely cleaned out.

If D lost the scholarship for “unsympathetic” reasons, I really like the idea of D taking a year off to work. She needs to understand the value of what she lost.

If D has experienced tragic events that you may not be aware of, perhaps some counseling with a gentle re-entry into the academic world (community college, say) would be in order…with a more focused game plan to follow.

And, as many have advised, I would make sure to contact the college and determine what, if anything, could be done to reinstate the scholarship.

29

Also realize that the explanation may not be the explanation. It could take several layers to get to whatever happened. I know someone who kept saying what her parents wanted to hear. And they were willing to accept it. She’d do better and then fall backwards. There was a lot of hurt, anger, betrayal, and distrust on both sides. I am not sure it has been fully resolved, but they are working on it.

What I am saying is, your daughter might not give you the real reason right away. She may be embarrassed. She may be angry. She may be sad. She may be all these things and other things too. Maybe some of the things other posters have mentioned happened. Or maybe she got to school and it was harder for her than she (or you imagined). Maybe she didn’t find a group of friends who grounded her. Whatever it is, she knows she didn’t do well by you or herself and avoided you.

It’s hard to be rational when you’re trying to figure out this child who you thought you knew – you suddenly feel like you have no idea who she is. We tie a lot of ourselves up with how we see our kids and how we think they see us. Making a sudden shift (and possibly confirming something you might have had a slight inkling of somehow) is jarring.

Regardless of how angry you are, hug her when you see her. She could be expecting you to yell or whatever. But throw her off her game. Love her first and foremost. There is plenty of time later to get mad.

I wish you both (all) the best.

30

I would definitely see if you can get that scholarship reinstated. While community college or taking a year off to work may be good for teaching her a lesson, doing so would also mean giving up that scholarship for good and then you’d be looking at two years of CC tuition and two years of full-pay at a university. Although if the scholarship is gone forever it’s a moot point.

31

Sorry to be blunt, but she’s partying and shacking up with a boy and checked out — and she assumes mommy will save the day and pay her tuition in the fall, so the FREEDOM can continue. She thinks you’ll be too embarrassed to make her come home and attend community college.

Failing all classes requires SERIOUS tune out. Not going to class, wasn’t doing homework, wasn’t studying, & bombed midterms. I’m going to assume the boy is a loser (a straight A boy isn’t going to find it attractive for his gf to skip all her classes), so I’d be very worried about a surprise, if you catch my drift.

32

@OldFashioned1 - maybe you are right, but maybe not. I think this girl’s parents should not jump to conclusions before knowing all the facts. Like you say, failing all classes is very extreme. The explanation could be something extreme too, and beyond the normal partying-too-hard scenario.

33

The fact is we don’t know all the details. Perhaps she was burned out from the first semester - 18 credits is a lot to handle, and while she did, it may have worn her out and made it harder to re-engage the following semester.

Is this boyfriend her first one? Do you know anything about him?

Good luck getting though this, OP.

34

Time to move forward. Contact the school and find out if there is anyway of getting the scholarship back. Can she take summer classes to make up for the failed ones? If so, you need to move fast, classes may have already started. If not, what is plan B. Did you save any money for her college education? My feeling is if you saved money for her education, it should still be available to her. Sure she lost the full ride, hopefully you know why now. Was it the medical issues? Or partying or depression? whatever. Solve that issue and move on. Fine to be mad, heck my S lost his full tuition scholarship too, I know that feeling. But, it doesn’t provide a path forward. Best of luck to you and your D.

35

Have you ever had her evaluated by a neuropsych to rule out any kind of learning disability? She may have an executive functioning issue. Why is it that your son got a pass but your daughter doesn’t? You said yourself that she may not have even known she was failing. If you suspect she didn’t know, how can you blame her for not saying something to you? Common sense should tell you she couldn’t tell you something she didn’t know.

She didn’t mention during your daily talks that she was having physical problems? Five doctor visits for head and back pain over one semester is a lot. She had pain so bad she had to see a doctor for it and she didn’t mention it at all? That would worry me. How is she now? Has she seen a doctor since she’s been home? Some people develop migraines at that age. I can tell you from experience that they are a nasty, nasty thing. I would follow up on it. If she has documentation, she may even be able to pursue a medical withdrawal. You should check the college’s policies to see if they allow that.

I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing. If your daughter had a free ride, you’re not out any money. Will she need a new plan? If she can’t get a medical withdrawal, probably. But you need to find out what’s going on with her first. Maybe you can start by quit comparing her to a 7-year-old, even if it’s only in your head. My husband spent the first 50 years of his life believing he was stupid; knowing that’s what his family believed even though they didn’t say so directly. He knew. It was only when our daughter was diagnosed with dyslexia that he understood what was going on. He’s not stupid, far from it, but he’s spent most of his life believing he was and, worse, knowing his family thought so too. Maybe you don’t want to do that to your daughter.

36

Not to be harsh, but I think it’s worth recognizing here that not all of the problems are necessarily with the OP’s daughter.

One way or another, the OP, despite believing she had a close relationship with her daughter, despite communicating with her every day (not that unusual, but hardly the norm, either), completely (or almost completely) missed at least three massively important things in her child’s life: the boyfriend, the headaches, the utter academic meltdown. Sure, her daughter was hiding things from her, but that kind of behavior in extreme circumstances is rarely completely unilateral. And although I sense that the OP gave her daughter lots and lots of support in preparing for college, somehow the daughter failed to understand how to deal with problems and how to ask for help. None of us is perfect, but that’s at least in part a failure in education, not just an irresponsible kid.

I’m not saying the OP should beat herself up about this. She probably is, inside, although her posts give absolutely no hint that she feels she messed up in any significant respect. It’s done, it’s in the past, time to move forward. But moving forward effectively may not just be a matter of the daughter adjusting her attitude. If I were the OP, I, too, would be working hard to figure out how I contributed to this crisis, and what I could do better going forward to become part of the solution. And it’s not just being tough with discipline and pursestrings (but I’m sure it doesn’t exclude that, either).

My sense from the OP’s posts is that it’s not just a first boyfriend, or lack of common sense, or too many parties. There are some serious issues here, probably not new ones, that both mother and daughter have been in denial about. The first priority ought to be figuring out what they are, because until they do, no plan for moving forward is going to have a big chance of success.

37

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opinion is, she discovered the social world. She got a BF and doesn’t know how to prioritize. I t


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That was my first guess since she did ok the first semester.

Kind of a crappy school where you lose your award for one bad semester. Ugh.


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She keeps saying well what do you guys expect me to do. It's done, I screwed up.

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She needs to stop acting helpless. “you guys” expect her to go to community college and get good grades and transfer later. “you guys” expect her to contact her current school and find out if there’s a way to appeal. The whole “what do you expect me to do,” nonsense is just a way to act helpless.

That said, stop being mad at her. You’re her mom and you’re supposed to be the “soft place to land.” If you cannot be the soft place to land then your children will always lie to you and keep things from you because of your response.

Part of motherhood is developing a poker face.

38

Maybe the D decided that this program/degree/career path is not for her, and by losing the scholarship she’s now off the hook to complete a program she’s no longer interested in.

I wouldn’t be so quick to decide “too much BF, D is a screw up”. We don’t know if the family dynamic has long been that this kid doesn’t get to voice her needs/opinions because she’s not as buttoned up as her 7 year old sibling (c’mon, that’s a crazy thing to write, even in jest).

Parents need a sit down with the D where the D gets to figure out what her next step is. Since she doesn’t seem too broken up at the prospect of not being able to use this merit aid to continue on with this program, start there. What does SHE want. How does SHE want to proceed.

And by the way- many posters are acting like the D and BF is the most pathological event in the world. I think most people would be delighted that their kid found a SO in college- balancing work, social life, etc. is a skill that’s needed throughout adulthood and these early college relationships are a good way to do that.

Is there evidence that the BF is the problem?

39

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She doesn’t seem to understand simple things that even her sisters 12,11, & 7 understand…She’s smart, but truly lacks common sense. We’ve known this for many years…
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Since I have a child who naturally lacked “walking around smarts,” I understand this situation. I can’t tell you how many times I’d have to say things like, “the bank is closed on Sundays”…and other rather basic stuff that others his age surely knew.

You really have to work with these types. Part of it is because they don’t pay attention to what’s going on around them and learning that natural way. My son always had his head in a book, so he wouldn’t have noticed a parade passing by him. While he never had any school or college issues, he’d have us scratching our heads frequently when he just didn’t know some pretty basic things.

Having your DD home and going to a CC will give you that opportunity to work on her common sense, foresight skills, and problem-solving skills. Instead of supplying answers to problems, help her “find” the best solution (and it’s often not the first thing that will come to their minds, so that needs to also be taught.) That is a biggie. Those without common sense will often just “go” with whatever wild-haired solution that first comes into their heads…regardless if it’s feasible, too expensive, too time-consuming, and well, just crazy

Have her work along side you while doing things, instructing as necessary, but also having her come up with various solutions and ways to do things.

Work with her…For example, if you’re cleaning up the kitchen, she may not even think that she shouldn’t wipe the floor and then bring that nasty rag to the counter. She may not realize that you mop the floor last…and why. These are just two things, but when dealing with folks who dont’ have walking around sense, all of these things need to be taught.

If she has 5 things to do in one day, and the order that she wants to do them in makes no sense, will take more time, and doesn’t get the most important things done first, then kindly discuss those choices so she can learn how to prioritize and do things in an efficient manner.

Work with her, from the standpoint of kindness and love. Your child will make headway. I’m happy that my son has come a long way, and is very well-employed.

40

I have a family friend whose son was very smart and went off to a college 10 hours (driving) away…but was asked to leave before Thanksgiving…he had undiagnosed Austism Spectrum Disorder and had trouble with Executive Functioning…the part of the brain that plans.

Up until now, HS structure and parental support may have kept your daughter focused. But on her own, she might not be capable of planning her day and thinking of consequences.
Or up until now, if you had health problems in school, mom took you to the doctor and HS let you make up/slide.

I would address this not by getting mad but saying that this school is no longer affordable. She needs to get her health addressed and you can’t afford to pay for it…and you won’t co-sign loans as that is too much debt to take on, esp. since last semester did not go well. You think a good plan might be to address her health, live at home for support…take CC courses and then transfer somewhere affordable Junior year.

Also, how bad was the health issues? DId you follow up at home? Would it be possible to do a retroactive medical withdrawal? That may erase last semester and allow the scholarship to continue.