Daughter Not Taking an Interest

Parents Forum
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<p>DD is a junior in high school. She has always been a good student but lazy. Doesn't push herself, doesn't work up to her potential. Her UW GPA is probably around a 3.3. WGPA 4.0. Has some extra curriculars, volunteer work. Unsure what she wants to study in college. I had her take SAT at end of sophomore year and she got a 1090 (M-510, CR-520, W-560). There isn't a lot of money for college and she's aware of that. She has taken no interest in the college search or for improving her SAT scores. The less interest she takes the more obsessed I become. Others have told me that once junior year came she's realize the importance and get on the bandwagon. Not happening. I've told her if she doesn't start taking it seriously and getting a better SAT score she's going to community college. She balks at that. She doesn't seem to realize that it's not just getting into college, but getting some money that will make the difference.</p>

<p>How do I get through to her or do I just let her fall on her face, miss deadlines, etc. I've been the over-involved mom and it's showing now. I have such a hard time with the idea of letting her screw up her future. Advice not a reprimand, please.</p>

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<p>Just leave her alone. I’m a senior in high school. I know that hearing my mom harp on about things just makes me not want to do them. You can’t be motivated for her. She might mess things up a little, but if that’s what it takes for her to get things in line then so be it. I wouldn’t say anything else to her about it.</p>

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<p>Thanks. :)</p>

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<p>Making community college a threat is not something I recommend to anyone, as it is a good, viable alternative that might be the best way to go, and the chances of succeeding there can be impeded by parent’s making it clear it’a a loser’s option. There’s too much of that opinion in the air already. Sorry for the reprimand, but I do think that it’s important not to diss things that may well be in someone’s future.</p>

<p>The fact of the matter is that college is not the right place for all people to go, especially at given times in their lives. I had to finally come to that conclusion, and sadly tell my son this who was destroying every single thing that could get him through college. It wasn’t until I faced this and could tell him this without bluffing that he realized that the ony goat he was getting was own nasty one that was going to butt him on his backside, not mine, and finally shape up. The same happened with my brother who finally came to the same point. Had either student decided to take some time off and look for a job, it would have been with our blessings, because we were done. It took getting to that point before we could convey that message, and it took that to get our kids to take responsibility realizing that parents were not going to be involved in getting them by. </p>

<p>During high school years, getting satsifactory grades is part of what a parent needs to see, in order to know their students are learning materials in high school. But beyond that, it is up to the student, and pushing for A’s just isn’t going to do it when the student is not motivated. You can insist that the student gets the assignment, completes them and get’s a certain satisifactory grade, and has to do this to have down time of his/her choosing, but that’ s about it. I think if you lay off the college thing, and just focus on the task at hand which are organization and doing assigned work and getting through high school satisfactorily, that is about all you can expect. You can let her know that if she is interested in your help in college, you are there, but that is up to her. It may not be a concern of hers and if that is the case, a couple of years off, maturity and desire to develop may be the way to go.</p>

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<p>Thanks. Didn’t mean to cast a negative light on CC. Unfortunately, ours isn’t that wonderful, in a bad area, etc. so for her it would be a negative. She takes 2 AP courses, has had honors classes, so other than the positive economic side of CC, I don’t see it having any other positive implications for her. Her school is very laid back and her guidance counselor has already told her that she thinks her SAT scores are great, given that the average in her school is in the mid-400s per section. Not helping my cause at all. Guess it’s time to walk away from the whole situation and let her fall on her face, if she chooses to. So hard given her potential. :(</p>

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<p>First of all, she may not fall on her face, but be on a different schedule than you have in mind. We all like the regular track because it is more predictable and is supposed to the one to take. But not all kids, fit this. Believe me, with my older ones I felt the way you do, and no one could have gotten anything different in my head. I had to fall on MY face to see things that were not right in front of my face. There is a whole world out there in the periphery of our sights.</p>

<p>Now ten years later, a lot of the kdis went straight to name brand colleges have flunked out, had issues, are out but with no jobs,etc etc. And a goodly number of those who did not go directly to college but took different paths are doing very well in what they ended up doing. SOme of them did go to college …later. Some needed a goal they could see and want before continuing in school instead of just going through the motions. Some found other things they preferred doing. Use your obsessions to make sure she is not getting into real trouble, as that can happen while you are focused on things like college bound and other things, not getting what hurdles there are to anyone’s well being in high school. The son’ of one of the dean’s at DS’s school was addicted to pain killers and until he got caught in some fluke incident, he had no idea. The dad. was more focused on the kid bringing up his grades than looking at what was going on his life. And this is a guy expereinced in apprasing teens and sniffing out trouble. Tunnel vision, he told me personally, and it happens. Kid’s going to CC now, working part time, and they are focused on keeping him on the straight and narrow. Believe me CC was not in the cards that those parents were considering for him. And you know, I think the kid is going to do well. He’s making progress, looking good, and parents are proud of him. Not the way they wanted, but he’s smart kid and is slowly finding his way.</p>

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<p>Lots of kids don’t have direction as juniors. It’s tough for them to both envision that next step and deal with all the questions that eventually need to be tackled. Have you started looking at colleges yet? Sometimes, they have to see it to get it. Maybe start with that cc and something attainable locally that will show her that end. Are you in a state where the public is an option? Don’t make this black/white, where either she magically gets it or you walk off. You can look into schools, anticipate what her major interest may be, check fin aid availability, etc. Get a college guide, look at colleges’ online info-- be ready, in case she perks up. Somewhere here, there is a thread about B/B+ student options. Maybe someone can point you to it. Good luck. We all get nervous!</p>

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<p>Have you considered that maybe she really doesn’t want to go to college and perhaps saying she does just to appease you?</p>

<p>We gave our D several options: 4 year college, local CC (ugh, ours is lacking too). She applied to a study abroad program, and we also told her we would fund a long term mission trip in lieu of college. Additionally, she was interested in ROTC or joining the military straight out of high school. Anything else was on the table, and I even told her she could hike the Appalachian Trail instead. It was important for all of us that she had options, instead of feeling forced into something of our choosing. In her case, she narrowed her choices, different doors closed, other opportunities opened, and just yesterday, she just chose which college offer she would accept. I’m thrilled she’s made a decision. While it was the best school decision, she could have chosen something entirely different, and we would have been good with that.</p>

<p>I know I’m a bit of a hover parent, but I also know my kid has the skills and ability to take responsibility for these choices at this point in her life. </p>

<p>Your obsessing about it is not helping her, and ultimately you are risking your relationship. Consider that she’s not screwing up her future, but that she might have another wish for her future than you do. She’s midway through her jr. year. There’s not a lot she can do to up her GPA or start stacking on ECs unless she’s super motivated, and it doesn’t sound like that’s going to happen any time soon.</p>

<p>It’s such a stressful time, both for parents and students. She might find it easier to just not think about/avoid.</p>

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<p>What Lookingforward posted, is likely the way it will go with your daughter. A lot of undermotivated, underachieving, talented, bright kids out there. Most of the time, they will find a college, get through it and find their place in life when that is their direct path. Sometimes for lack of any good alternative. Just wanted to also bring up the fact that it may not be the way she wants to go , which is also a possibility.</p>

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<p>I’m not nearly as resourceful as these parents that have been posting - But, I have the advantage of being young. And your daughter reminds me of myself two years ago (when I was a junior in HS).</p>

<p>Leave her alone. That’s certainly number one. As difficult as it may be, if your daughter doesn’t have an interest in college searching, mom’s imput will certainly not cultivate one. I remember being bombarded by colorful pamphlets and postcards from universities that I hadn’t even heard of. What you see as neutrality might actually be your daughter feeling mental claustophobia. Just too much noise interferring with HS routine. What could be happening is a serious personal issue, perhaps she has lost interest in her High School. Maybe she is not being challenged. Maybe she has been a victim of harrassment/bullying. Apathy towards college can have several different meanings. The most common being that she has no idea what to major in, what she’s passionate about…blah blah blah. But, even those feelings might ignite some fear, and eventually an interest in college searching. However…that fear never came for me. And it may not for your daughter, either.</p>

<p>Thus, I would leave her alone on the topic of college, but I would investigate what may be causing a general neutrality towards something HS students should (eventually) care about. Once you’ve identified that issue…you can move on from there.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, my parents took the wrong approach. They shoved university down my throat (they paid for me to visit college planners, career counseling, etc.) until the subject became bruising. Emotionally, physically, and mentally taxing. The rest of my high school days were marinated in stillborn futuristic thinking. It was a disaster. Turns out, all that time brainwashing me into thinking college was priority, was wasted when my parents ran out of cash. Even the few mediocre universities I got into were unaffordable. I’m not saying that you should be weary of financial bankrupcy, but you should anticipate a fluke…that your monomania over college could potentially be a waste of time and energy.</p>

<p>I hope all goes well.</p>

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<p>Op,
Yes, I sure do wish that there was a way for parents to motivate an unmotivated kiddo. I struggle with it as well.
Just some brief thoughts on your post… </p>

<p>“There isn’t a lot of money for college and she’s aware of that.” Maybe she is concerned about how going to college may affect your finances?</p>

<p>“I had her take SAT at end of sophomore year and she got a 1090.” Unless a kid is a superbrainac, the SAT is best taken in Junior year when kiddos brains have matured a bit. Soph year is NOT a good year to take this test. How many times does an unmotivated person want to take a 4 hour test? She should look into the ACT test. Get the sample test on the ACT website and have her try it under “test conditions with proper time keeping” at home. If she scores better than the SAT equivalent of 1090 (there are SAT-ACT concordance tables on both SAT and ACT websites), then she should prep and take the ACT instead.</p>

<p>“Unsure what she wants to study in college.” There is the collegeboard book of majors that you can get at a library. They get reprinted every year, so if you buy one that is a few years old, it’s cheaper. [Amazon.com:</a> Book of Majors 2011 (College Board Book of Majors) (9780874479041): The College Board: Books](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Book-Majors-2011-College-Board/dp/0874479045/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1358759711&sr=1-1&keywords=book+of+majors+2011]Amazon.com:”>http://www.amazon.com/Book-Majors-2011-College-Board/dp/0874479045/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1358759711&sr=1-1&keywords=book+of+majors+2011). I also looked into books that would give Myers Briggs personality tests and give jobs that might fit kiddos personality. It’s kinda fun and a least gets both sides talking without just one side lecturing.</p>

<p>There are many threads which talk about the 3.3-3.6 kids and the 3.0-3.3 kids. Here is an example. Some of the threads might discuss merit money?
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/767486-where-did-your-3-3-3-6-gpa-child-get-30.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/767486-where-did-your-3-3-3-6-gpa-child-get-30.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>“She doesn’t seem to realize that it’s not just getting into college, but getting some money that will make the difference.” Maybe you can sit down and discuss this fully when everyone is calm.</p>

<p>Agree with other posters to d/w D what she might interested in: comm college, public state, private college, work, Americorps, military, travel/work abroad. Some kids “mature” later than others…no harm going to college a little later.</p>

<p>Lastly, some kids don’t push themselves in HS for various reasons…don’t like the required 5 academic subject core, too easy, day too long, etc. Some of these kids do better once they get to college…can choose from broader range of classes, classes more challenging, different social structure and less cliques in college, etc.</p>

<p>"The less interest she takes the more obsessed I become. " Been there, done that. It’s hard to stop!! Unfortuately, we can’t force someone to be motivated, it has to come from within them, when they are ready.</p>

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<p>I would like to disagree a little with the Parents here.</p>

<p>I think that students later may be unhappy if parents are too laissez faire now. I think that part of being a parent is doing parenting job. This sometimes means having to drill some cold hard truths on the young minds. Many times showing is better than telling; so instead of saying “you need As”, a nice poster in your fridge with the average GPA of some colleges the student desires to go does the job.</p>

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<p>I have found that the following often works with unmotivated juniors who DO want to go to college:</p>

<p>Find an attractive residential university that has a lot going on. Don’t pick a super reach or anything like that. A state flagship would work if it’s attractive. A LAC might work if you think she’d prefer a more quiet intimate campus. Find out which is the best way to “drive into” the school from a beauty standpoint. </p>

<p>Arrange a campus tour…do NOT deal with academics at this point at all. The point is to stir her interest in “going to college” and “finding a college.”</p>

<p>Arrive at the school EARLY, eat breakfast on campus. Go on the campus tour. Eat lunch on campus or at a nearby off-campus hangout. When you leave campus, drive around the off-campus hangouts. If you didn’t eat lunch off-campus, park and get a snack or whatever at an off-campus hangout.</p>

<p>You mention a concern about paying for college. Unless your D’s stats dramatically improve (hard to do that with her current GPA), it’s unlikely she’s going to get accepted to the schools that give the best aid and her stats won’t likely qualify for much/any merit scholarships.</p>

<p>Are you low income? </p>

<p>If not, will you have an unaffordable EFC?</p>

<p>Have you run any Net Price Calculators on various school’s websites? I think you should do this. You don’t want your D to get really motivated to “go away to school,” only to find that that option just won’t be affordable no matter how motivated she becomes.</p>

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<p>It seems to me her score was 1590?? That being said without massive SAT jump merit money won’t happen.Not every kid belongs in college.Once you give kids guidance they will have to find their own way.For some of them it will be a long hard road.</p>

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<p>I agree, take her on a college visit to a school you think she would like. Take her on a Saturday where there is a lot going on, hopefully something fun you think she would like-a play, sporting event, whatever. Let her eat in the dining hall, etc. In other words, the fun side of college. Do NOT do an “informational session”, take a guided tour though. See if that perks her up some. If she doesn’t like it or doesn’t seem motivated by it then it’s time to review options.</p>

<p>Those options include,
– going to college with guidelines for a GPA that is reasonable for her, </p>

<p>–going to community college (visit the one near you after you take her on the above tour),</p>

<p>-- taking a gap year and working full time,</p>

<p>-- moving out and supporting her self.</p>

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<p>

</p>

<p>You must be a parent because I’ve never heard a person who’s been in this position as an adolescent say they’re thankful their parents went crazy on them in high school.</p>

<p>A GPA poster on the fridge? What the heck. There’s overbearing and then there’s this.</p>

<p>Anyway. OP, it’s not too late for your daughter to take the initiative. Sit her down, tell her how much money you’re prepared to spend on her education, tell her she needs to bring up her SAT score, and tell her if she doesn’t it will be on her, not you.</p>

<p>If she messes up this year and doesn’t get in anywhere, or anywhere affordable, she’ll realize she’s made a mistake by not taking the application process seriously. If that happens, she can take a gap year, work a low-wage job, and reapply to university. If she does get into an affordable college on the first try, then great.</p>

<p>I know the above paragraph probably scares you because overprotective parents on this board usually find the idea of taking a gap year horrifying. It’s really not that bad, but the point is, yes, it should scare you. Hopefully it will scare your daughter too. If you present the failure scenario to her (not getting any merit aid because of her SAT score, missing deadlines because of lack of motivation, living at home for at least another year while going to community college and/or working) and sound like you’re taking it seriously, that might be enough to shake her up.</p>

<p>She won’t start doing things on her own until she realizes you’re not going to do them for her. But you also have to show her the importance of the tasks you want her to perform.</p>

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<p>Do you have a sense of whether your daughter isn’t interested in college at all? Or is she just not taking an active roll in the college planning / selection process? If it’s the latter, I don’t think that is too unusual for many juniors. Junior year is a busy, challenging time, and it’s difficult (and sometimes a little scary) for many kids to move past the here and now to look at the big picture. </p>

<p>As far as test scores - according to her score breakdown she has a 1590, not a 1090. Although that’s low for the CC crowd, in the real world it’s not such a bad starting point - particularly for a sophomore who (I’m guessing) didn’t prep for the test. She still has time to get her scores up. I would also encourage her to take the ACT since some students do better with that test.</p>

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<p>To throw a curve ball. Could your D be overwhelmed/ terrified/ freaking out over college? Hence avoiding the topic?
Suggestion, and this is based on the idea that you have a good relationship outside of the college topic. Find a school nearby to which you can drive. One she should get in. Assume her SAT will rise to about 1700 which I think is probable since she took it as a sophomore and should re-take. Second tries + another year tend to see score increases. Ask her to just look. That’s all. If she hates it after the tour and isn’t further interested, don’t say anything for a while. However, spring break junior year is college tour time and when others start showing interest, plus sh sees what a college is like, you may see a transformation.
I don’t think your problem is unusual. I am sure it’s frustrating.</p>

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<p>MomFullofQs -</p>

<p>Happykid had decent grades, and one hideously time-consuming extracurricular (tech theater). When she was a junior in HS college was barely on her radar scope. I looked at the family budget, and told her that her options were the local CC, or any place she could find that would cost us no more than the local CC. She said “Fine.” and her college search was done. She never even took the SAT or ACT.</p>

<p>Last May when she graduated from the CC (with honors by the way), she told us that she hadn’t felt ready to leave home yet, and hadn’t wanted to look at 4-year institutions at all when she was in HS. I was floored. All that maternal angst, for nothing? If I’d only known then, I wouldn’t have been chewing my nails about the money, or wondering who would take my 3.whatever and no exam score kid. She has transferred to an affordable state U and loves it. If you ask her about her CC experience, she would tell you that she wouldn’t change those two years for anything. It truly was her best option.</p>

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<p>I suggest that you find some time when you are both relaxed and ask her what SHE is interested in doing after HS. If she has no idea you might want to ask her what she sees herself doing in the future. Working with kids, office work, working outdoors, etc. Talk about her hobbies/interests. If she is interested in fashion/beauty she might consider becoming a hair stylist. Cooking/baking can lead to culinary school. A bright but academically unmotivated in HS student I know is in the military and loving it. This student was always into working out/sports and enjoys the physical aspect. </p>

<p>I would also take another look at the cc. You say that it is not very good, is this based on actual facts or heresy? </p>

<p>Is your D interested in taking a gap year (or 2)? She might want out of the “school” atmosphere right now. A year or more of working will not hurt her.</p>

<p>I would hesitate to send her to a residential college right away when she has no interest and it would be difficult financially.</p>