<p>My daughter is on her second year at one of our state universities that is about 3 hours away from home. She struggled somewhat during her first year academically but had an acceptable over-all GPA at the end mostly due to her strong GPA that she brought with her from concurrent enrollment classes she took in high school. I worried about it and we did recieve a letter of concern from the university basically stating that while her overall GPA was acceptable her GPA from the university was a cause for concern. I don't think that it was due to her lack of academic ability (although she does have what I would consider poor study habits), she wasn't happy there however she did manage to make a few friends and seemed to even out somewhat in the end although still not 100%. Now we're in the first semester of the second year and her two closest friends that she made did not return and another girl that she grew close to that is from the same town that we are from will graduate in December. She is also in a different dorm than she was in during the first year and no one that she knew in her old dorm is there. I felt that she was struggling this year and just didn't sound involved or happy when we talked on the phone and her visits home were coming more often but she put on a brave face. I finally broached the subject this weekend while she was home and she broke down and said that is not happy there and she thought she could do it but feels like she is drowning. She didn't tell me sooner for fear that I would be dissappointed in her and that the rest of our family would be dissappointed as well and that her friends/peers from our town will view her as one of those kids that didn't leave or one that came back because she couldn't cut it. I feel horrible for her and am seriously considering letting her withdraw from school this semester and applying for admission for the spring semester at the college that's in our town (the one where "everyone goes" according to her). Am I wrong in considering this and is this even possible? I refuse to let her drop out all together and I don't want to give her the notion that giving up is ok but I also don't want her somewhere that she is miserable and since she did complete the first year I feel like she gave it a fair chance (although I wish she would have made the decision before the withdraw deadline). Also, she could still have a decent overall GPA if she takes a W for the semester (she says she believes she'll fail if she stays because she just can't focus on her classwork because she doesn't want to be there and dealing with the thought of dissappointing us is making her depressed). I feel that she would do better academically if she is closer to home and has family support close by but that could just be the mother in me hating to see my child hurting. Advice anyone?</p>
<p>Has she considered mental health counseling through the school or a clinic near the school that works with your insurance company? If she is depressed and not just unhappy, coming home may not be of help to her. It could take some of the stress off, but it may also increase her sense of failure, and if she isn’t happy after coming home her depression may deepen.</p>
<p>If it were my kid, I’d encourage her to stick out the semester with counseling help to enable her to keep up with her studies. The school may well have support groups for students in her situation. Meanwhile she could apply to transfer to the local school if she is still miserable come December.</p>
<p>I think I’d ask her, lovingly, to level with you and speak honestly about one aspect of her academic life there: attendance. If she’s got the academic capability but isn’t doing well and feels she’s “drowning,” I wonder if she’s sleeping in and skipping a class here and there? There are studies (I can’t cite them but recall discussion of them here) of a relationship between college class attendance and grades. If this is a culprit, it’s the most changeable aspect of her college life. She might commit to correcting her attendance, aiming for “near perfect” as a pledge to you since she cares what you think here. If she’s attending dutifully but still not understanding, that’s a different matter where study skills centers and using professor’s office hours for clarification might help.</p>
<p>I don’t know your situation but do envy the close distance of 3 hours away! Could you offer to maintain her morale this semester by you visiting campus for a meal in town together, say, once each 2 weeks? It sounds as though you two are close. Keeping her spirits up where she lives now might be worth it, if you can break away from home responsibilities.</p>
<p>When our kids were younger, we used to say “kids grow up at their own pace.” But when it comes to leaving home, 17-18 seem to be the drop dead age. I think kids mature at different time. If this was your D´s first semester I would say stick it out, but she did give it a good try for a whole year. There must be something about the school that´s not right for her, or she may just not be ready to move out. </p>
<p>I don´t think just because she wants to move back now, it would mean she´ll never be ready someday and some how she is a failure (or you as a failure because you didn´t prepare her for it). I remember when D2 was first born, I quit my job and moved out to the suburb. I hated the situation so much, I sunk into a very deep depression. We moved back to the city, I went for therapy for a short time, in less than 3 years we moved out to the suburb again. This time I was at a much better place, and was very happy with the move. We lived there for 15 years. </p>
<p>I vote for withdrawing, let her come home, enroll at a college nearby, and go for some therapy.</p>
<p>Before she makes the decision to withdraw she should make an appointment with her university’s counseling service. At my son’s school it is called Counseling and Psychiatric Services (CAPS). University counselors/psychologists understand the myriad of issues students deal with at their schools from something as simple as being homesick, having test anxiety to full on depression etc. They have one on one counseling and group therapy options. She may still decide it is all too overwhelming and withdraw, but it is a great place to start. She just might get the kind of support she needs to be able to continue at her school.</p>
<p>Letting her come home is really not a solution to her academic laxity, unless you are ready to have her on a short leash.</p>
<p>You still have not really determined what her problem actually is, so how can you know if coming home is a solution to the problem.</p>
<p>I can’t speak to your D’s situation concerning her mental health. </p>
<p>But I will suggest, based on direct experience we had with our son, that I’d absolutely encourage her to take the “W” now to preserve the gpa she does have. S didn’t understand the way that all worked, and due to some struggles he had, ended up taking a tough-to-repair hit to his gpa. That mistake followed him to graduation and will make getting accepted to grad school difficult (which is now his long term goal).</p>
<p>I agree overall with oldfort’s advice. In my opinion, there’s not much to be gained for her in sticking it out, and frankly much more risk to her long term. If she’s telling you she’s too depressed to finish this semester with decent grades, believe her.</p>
<p>"I vote for withdrawing, let her come home, enroll at a college nearby, and go for some therapy. "
I second the recommendation. No student will do well at a college if they are really miserable there. She has an alternative college that is available to her and where she will likely be happier, and thus more successful. No use wasting her time or your money at her current college if she is probably going to fail there.</p>
<p>I’m not going to say withdraw this early since none of us really know your D or what is going on. But, if she is having any kind of mental health issues (anxiety, depression) get those documented with the school so that if she does leave mid semester it’s a Withdraw on the transcript not an F or an I that may turn into an F after some time limit.</p>
<p>Why set her up to fail? She clearly isn’t keeping pace this semester, and she as much as told you that she won’t succeed. She is completely capable of making that happen, and is fairly likely to do it even if she promises to try. It’s horribly expensive to take a W now, but it’s even more expensive to stay and get Ds and Fs that stay on the transcript forever. Step back, take a deep breath, get professional help.</p>
<p>(I agree that you don’t know what’s wrong. But I don’t think that means you keep going in the same direction until you do know. I think that means you get cautious, and stop.)</p>
<p>I also would defer any thought of registering at the local college for the spring until you have been through some professional evaluation and advice, and until you and your daughter really think things through. It may perfectly well be that the best thing to do is to wait until next fall and go back to the original college. </p>
<p>This isn’t a race. In the context of her life, it won’t matter a whit if she graduates from college a year or two late. It WILL matter if she shipwrecks herself because she tries to keep sailing instead of stopping to plug the leaks.</p>
<p>For what it is worth, I originally went off and attended a much more prestigious school but just did not make the right social connections and so withdrew from the university before my GPA went down the tubes. </p>
<p>I moved closer to home and went to a small private college where many from my home town go and have been really happy! I would not trade my small college education or the wonderful people and atmosphere for a degree from a really impressive school.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Seems to me this is a decision an adult should be making for herself.</p>
<p>OP-
Your daughter is crying out for help.
Her mental stability is in crisis.
She knows you and others will be disappointed in her leaving school but she indicates to you she cannot stay.
In fact that is the only reason she stayed so long.
She’s looking for your approval to take a medical leave.
Yes, she will be penalized with loss of $$, and her transcript will take a ding but colleges are forgiving of students who withdraw for medical reasons, get the help they need and apply for readmittance.
Let her come home, if you force her to stay, she can’t begin to recover from her depression.</p>
<p>If it were me, I would support my daughter in withdrawing. It is not as if it is her first year at the school. It is her third semester and she has admitted to being unhappy there and saying she is doomed to fail if she stays there. She is afraid of disappointing you and is needing support to make this decision to withdraw and come up with new plans. She can get help and support in figuring out if it was the school or issues that would be there no matter where she were at school, but a fresh start with permission to “regroup” is what I think is needed here. It is not a failure to make a change when a situation is not working well.</p>
<p>I totally agree with others that say she’s crying for help. You should support her 100% in coming home (she’s already given it more than a year), with positive encouragement, get her to see a professional to help sort out what is going on for her and help her decide the next step. And look at alternatives, which might mean time off or a transfer to a local college or something else you haven’t yet considered! I especially like what Oldfort said: </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>We sometimes get into ‘all or nothing’ thinking. If she changes direction right now, goes to a closer school, takes some time off, or some other direction, this doesn’t at all mean her college education or prior dreams or plans are over or she’s failed, or she’s let down the town’s expectations. As JHS said, this isn’t a race. And her path does not have to be linear. In fact for the vast majority of people it is neither linear nor predictable but it all works out. If she can wrap her head around that, with your support, it may free her up and enable her to flourish down the path that is right for her.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Good point. My compliant, rule following son never cut a single class in high school. I don’t think it occured to him. I would have sworn up and down that attendance would never be a problem in college. Well, I was very wrong. When he felt lost in a college class, instead of seeking help, instead of asking the prof, he stopped going to class. He’s not the only one to have done that.</p>
<p>Wishing you the best. What I have learned is that the great GPA and test scores that got your kid into college, perhaps with nice merit aid, mean nothing once they have a college GPA going. I would opt to let her withdraw, but it’s your call, of course.</p>
<p>Do look into a medical leave. I learned one amazing thing about a year ago, that I had never heard before: At our state schools (4 yr and CCs) a student can’t drop more than 6 classes, ever. It’s to try to get kids to graduate on time, but I think it’s a horrible idea. Anyway, your school or state may have a dropped class limit, so try for a medical leave if she decides to withdraw.</p>
<p>It sounds like withdrawing is the best option, but one thing you absolutely have to do is make sure she knows that you are <em>not</em> disappointed in her. This is plainly not the right school for her, whether or not she is attending classes, there are a lot of things going on that make it not a good choice for her, at least not at this point in her life. </p>
<p>My niece left the branch of the IL system she was in, because the other girls made her miserable. There was nothing the matter with her grades. She worked at different things for a couple of years and then realized she really wanted a bachelor’s degree in nursing, got it through the nursing school of a nearby hospital, and has been doing great ever since. </p>
<p>I too was miserable at the first school I attended, for social reasons; I dropped out after freshman year (had to stick it out or be stuck with repaying a loan for nothing). Four years later (working to save $$ & thinking things through) I applied to a very different school, & was accepted. Things were still difficuilt–now I was older than everyone else–but academically it was the best place for me. </p>
<p>Your D is still very young – a little more time thinking about where she should be for college, or maybe what sort of course of study she should be taking, will not hurt her in the long run. Being wretchedly miserable at a place and failing is no good. </p>
<p>Withdrawing for medical reasons (make sure you document that as another said) and getting some counseling help in thinking through things looks like the best course, along with lots of reassurance that it is <em>no</em> disappointment to you whatsoever for her to do what is best for her long term health & career plans. Where she is right now is not helping either of those. </p>
<p>My older daughter has called me in tears over some things once in a while, and I have had to say “It’s only money” more than once, and told her to walk away from something she was trying to stick out because she (or we) had paid for it. Fortunately it has never been LOTS of money! But even if it had been, our Ds’ health & well being matter way more. </p>
<p>Good luck & God bless you & your daughter.</p>
<p>Well we did go ahead and officially withdraw yesterday. I went up and helped her with the process and helped her pack. She said she was alittle sad but not defeated and very relieved. She is going to start looking for a job today so that she doesn’t feel like she’s just doing “nothing” and she is going down tomorrow to see what she needs to do to enroll for next semester. She’s considering only taking a couple of classes next semester which I feel might be best just so that she can get a feel for the new place and so that she can hopefully do really well in those classes and get her confidence back. We also discussed her possibly going to therapy to make sure that we get to the root of the problem and she was somewhat open to it although she felt that coming home was enough but I told her it couldn’t hurt. I really think this was the best decision and yes we will be out some money but I feel her happiness outweighs the costs at this point. I won’t lie and say I’m not dissappointed because I had envisioned her having the whole college experience such as meeting new people and the whole social aspect of college as well as the academics but I have also learned through this experience that there isn’t a set path carved in stone and what my vision is may not necessarily be what hers is and I suppose that’s a part of growing up too. I hate that she was so worried about dissappointing me and I’m trying to be as open and encouraging as possible to her new path. She did voice that if she chooses to transfer for her major during her junior or senior year she would choose to go back there so that’s a thought but it would be fine with me if she chose to finish out at the local college as well. In hindsight I do wish we had chosen to encourage to complete all of her basics at our local college because maybe she just needed a little more time to grow and mature. I have another daughter graduating this year and she is beyond excited to go away to college and is actually looking at more out of state colleges than in state, I’m going to remain open though because the oldest was the same way about going away to school or so it seemed to me. Thank you all so much for your words of advice and encouragement. I was reading your posts as we were walking to the registrar’s office yesterday and they made me feel so much better about the choice we made.</p>
<p>You are a good, supportive mom. Best wishes!</p>
<p>I second that. Hope you will come back to give us an update later.</p>