<p>I posted this on another thread but somebody suggested I should start my own so here I am...many thanks for any insight!</p>
<p>My daughter, who's been accepted and already signed up for orientation at FGCU, has suddenly decided that she doesn't want to go away to school. She wants to stay home and go to community college. But she'd love it if we'd rent her an apartment here in town...she wants out of the house but not out of town(btw, an apartment is not an option, if you go to community college, you live at home). I think the whole reason is that she's scared of being alone and wants to stay here where things are familiar. Actually I KNOW that's the reason because she told me. She's also got a long term boyfriend here who is a year behind in school and will not be going away.</p>
<p>I don't know what to do. Financially it will be easier if she stays home but that's the only plus. Her dad and I think she should go away. I know in my heart community college and staying home is the wrong decision for her and being made for the wrong reasons (she's scared of being alone). But I want the decision to be hers not mine and don't want to force it. What do you suggest?</p>
<p>It sounds to me as if gentle nudges out of the nest are in order. If those don’t work, then a heart-to-heart talk may be needed. An on-campus residential college experience can be life-changing and growth-producing. Holding onto a high school boyfriend at 18 is very unlikely to provide that kind of growth.</p>
<p>Boyfriends dont necessarily last- especially one who is still in HS and may then leave for college (which she could then resent). Agree that encouraging her to stay the plan is appropriate. Did she apply anywhere else?</p>
<p>I think the concept of “four years” can sound overwhelming to a kid in high school.
She’s suddenly trying to imagine four long years without her friends/boyfriend, and can’t imagine the new friends she’s going to make. Once she’s at school & meets people, she is likely to feel differently. But she can’t imagine that right now. </p>
<p>Maybe you could say something along the lines of, “give it a year. If you hate it after a year, you can look at transferring.” If you/she chose FCGU for specific reasons, which I assume was the case, you should list those. "FCGU has xx major/xx advantage over the community college. You’d be selling yourself short if you don’t give FCGU a trial run. "</p>
<p>A year sounds less scary to a 17 or 18 year old.</p>
<p>I would not talk much about the boyfriend. At all. If she thinks that is the reason you want her to go away, she’ll likely dig her heels in more. I’d focus totally on it being the best plan for her future, and yes, it is a little scary, but you are sure she can handle it. And if after a year, she doesn’t like it, you can reassess. If she brings him up, divert back to the big reason she’s going to college, to get an education.</p>
<p>We are in a similar boat at our house. D applied to several schools, all far away, and no schools close to home. I encouraged her to apply to a school or two closer to home, but she didn’t want to at that time. Then all of a sudden she decided she doesn’t necessarily want to go far away, especially now that there’s a boyfriend in the mix. So just a few weeks ago she applied to a very good school closer to home, was accepted, loves it, and may end up going there.</p>
<p>Are there any other options for your D besides community college? Any other colleges or universities an hour or so away that are still taking applications? Then she would be “away” but not far away.</p>
<p>If you genuinely want to her to be a part of the decision, what about a compromise? Ask her to commit to FGCU for one full year, and insist that she do so with an open mind and a positive outlook. After that year, if she is still set on community college, let her take that step. Odds are that she’ll quickly grow accustomed to being out of the nest, and will find new friends and activities that keep her happily occupied. If, however, she wants really wants to return home after that year, at least she will have spread her wings a bit and will be making the choice with a better understanding of the two alternatives. </p>
<p>(cross-posted with paperplane, with whom I [obvously] agree!)</p>
<p>I’ve raised 4 daughters…with my high school boyfriend to whom I’ve been very happily married for over 30 years. So, it can work! We made it through college, law school, etc. together. </p>
<p>With our 4 daughters, 2 out of the 4 had a situation similar to your daughter’s. To make a long story short, one started at a school far from home (and we definitely prodded her to do so) and ended up transferring to our state school. The other changed course before going out of state, and was able to apply in June to a small campus of our state school. In both their cases, the initial impetus for the change of plans (the boyfriend) is now long gone. But their paths have been their own, and they’ve been good. They are happy, self-sufficient adults.</p>
<p>I think my point is to trust your daughter. Part of growing up means making these decisions on your own and discovering what works or doesn’t work for you. She may not be quite ready for this step, but she will be one day soon. Kids mature at all different rates. As long as she’s not staying just to please you, then I would opt on the side of letting her choose her own path.</p>
<p>I think a little nudge is in order. There is a good chance that the boyfriend is a factor. The reality is that there will never be another first year of college and no do overs. I wanted my D, who is an only child, to experience dorm life and all of the exciting things that come with being a first year college student. I still keep reminding her that she really needs to take in this year, as there will not be another year like it. I will admit that she had some homesick episodes first semester and I was a little worried about her…however, this semester she is having a great time and her grades are excellent. I know that she would not have wanted to miss the experiences that she has had. I have adult friends who did not go away and who did not live in a dorm…they say that is one of thier biggest regrets.</p>
Ditto to both. I married my high-school sweetheart 3 weeks after high school graduation. 27 years later I still have no regrets about that. BUT, I missed out on the “college life” experience. I went to community college and transferred to a local state university. Yes, I got my degree, but did it in a non-traditional way, while married and living with my husband. I’ve always encouraged my daughter to GO OFF to college, even if it’s in the same city, live in a dorm, be immersed in college life. She may never get the chance again.</p>
<p>Ahhh, that changes things in my mind. I thought you were talking about her potentially going thousands of miles away.</p>
<p>If FGCU is an hour and a half away, my opinion is she should go. It’s not that far away that she and her boyfriend can’t see each other regularly. And she can come home for a home-cooked meal every now and then, do a little laundry, get some love from Mom and Dad, and see some familiar surroundings.</p>
<p>I agree with all of you and I’ve said most of the things you’ve suggested.</p>
<p>Where we’re at now is that I told her we’ve already paid for orientation, let’s at least go to that and then decide. She’s very against it, feels that she’ll miss out on the classes of her choice at the community college if we wait 'til after the orientation for FGCU which is at the end of June. She seems to have already made up her mind that she’s not going although last night was the first I’ve heard of it. She says she’s been thinking this and never wanted to go to FGCU anyway, just wanted to go “away” from our house and be on her own. (which she won’t be getting by going to community college)</p>
<p>I’d like HER to make the decision but I want her to make the right one, know what I mean? I want her to CHOOSE to go away. I don’t want her to take the easy, convenient, safe, and comfortable choice, because it’s the wrong one.</p>
<p>I would stay very strong about not letting her live in an apartment if she chooses to stay and go to CC. I would also insist that she go to the orientation with an open mind, and then let her make her decision. Does she have friends that are gong to school there? Hopefully she would meet some nice kids at orientation and that might change her mind. I agree that there is a HUGE difference between thousands of miles away vs. an hour and a half. I still say the boyfriend must have an influence here, and if that is the case, I wouldn’t like it…and this is coming from someone that married her HS sweetheart. We went to colleges close to each other and did fine…however that’s another thread :)</p>
<p>Oh there’s no question about it. There will be NO apartment! If she goes away, she will live in the dorm. If she goes to community college she lives at home!</p>
<p>There is just a whole variety of reasons why she needs to go away, not the least of which is the boyfriend but I’m trying very hard not to focus on him.</p>
<p>It is also my hope, since the orientation is a 2 day, overnight in the dorms thing that she will really like it and be excited to go after that.</p>
<p>Maybe its a California perspective, but 1.5 hours away seems pretty darn close. Many around here have a longer daily commute. She is not really cut off by the distance…its an easy, short drive.</p>
<p>I agree with you that the orientation is the way to go. She will realize that there are many girls in the same boat, it will be easy to meet new friends, and it will be a fun adventure. Sounds like a case of cold feet and fear of the unknown.</p>
<p>I was going to come down on the side of listening to her if she doesn’t want to go because maybe there’s more going on here than you realize (see my post about this not getting any easier once they’re in college). But knowing that the school is only 90 minutes away makes a big difference.</p>
<p>I’d tell her to compromise, do a year and then see what happens. I’d also set some expectations about visits home. Will she have a car? I’d limit her trips home to once a month or whatever you think is reasonable.</p>
<p>With kids this age, you never know what is in the mix that is causing this change of heart. I would not want to pay for an apartment locally for any of my kids. I have told mine that I feel that college room and board package is a worthwhile investment to me in that it is a a simplified way of gradually letting a kid out on his own. My kids were out of the dorms and in apartments near their colleges before they were done with college, but that first year in the dorms was a given. I was not interested in leases, utility bills, deposits, furnishing and getting stuff for an apartment. I was willing to pay for a dorm. That was the deal. If any of mine proposed what the OP’s D is, I would lay out the choices as commuting from home or going to the dorm and coming home weekends.</p>
<p>I should never have mentioned the apt thing as people are getting hung up on that.(that’s her random pipe dream which she knows is not happening)</p>
<p>I am NOT renting an apartment for her. I am NOT even remotely considering it.</p>
<p>The choice is a dorm at the University or live at home and go to community college.</p>
<p>If she does go away, which is our goal, I certainly do not want her coming home every weekend. She’d never fit in and get adjusted. She can come home occasionally of course but definitely not every weekend.</p>
to whom I’ve been very happily married for over 30 years. So, it can work! We made it through college, law school, etc. together. </p>