<p>A'sMum -
could you do a spot of volunteer work together?</p>
<p>interesteddad - the OP said nothing about how long this has been going on when you originally gave this advice. Now we do know, however to her daughter it doesn't matter that WE think the other colleges that she was accepted to are fabulous. She felt a connection to Yale. This girl has every right to grieve. She has probably worked her butt off to get where she is, and I would have been disappointed myself. Yes, life is full of disappointments but it is still hard. She will be fine. I think it is also very presumptuous for you to suggest she is spoiled too. All this poor poster did was ask for advice. We are here to support one another and support is not what you are doing. I don't think it is very nice at all.</p>
<p>I really, really don't want to enforce the sort of "I'm going to transfer out" mindset in her. To me, that seems like a bad way to think about the college you're attending next year. I really hope that everybody is right when they say that she'll come to love it; but either way, I don't want her attending with the plan to transfer out. </p>
<p>We visited; she liked it, but didn't love it. Good enough to apply, but not enough to be in her top two or three choices. I think that the idea that any of the college she was applying to might be her home for the next four years didn't really sink in. She was thinking about it from too detached a perspective. </p>
<p>It's been less than a week since she committed to Rice (took her a while to decide). I'm hoping maybe in another week or so she'll start to think of Rice as more "hers". Praying that happens!!! Maybe I'll wait to see if it does... then broach the subject of volunteering or of working over the summer by then if things haven't improved?</p>
<p>About the fighting: I really don't take offense! I don't think that my daughter is spoiled, but I can see how her behavior is worrying-- that's why I came here to ask for advice! I greatly appreciate the defending of my dear daughter, of course, but I'm sure that interesteddad didn't mean to insult anybody! I think most teens act spoiled from time to time...</p>
<p>Interestdad, you've clearly forgotten what life is like living with a teenager. Good for you.</p>
<p>For the rest of the readers, many of whom have real life kids who sometimes wallow in their real life problems, I apologize for all of us if we bore the parents here who raised perfect kids who never had a narcisstic moment or needed a loving reality check.</p>
<p>Sheesh. Don't post just to be mean.</p>
<p>To the OP-- make sure your daughter has time to not think about college-- any college right now. Suggest a trip to Payless to buy shoes for prom; take a walk and talk about baseball or social security reform or whatever. I've known kids in your daughters situation and with the whole world telling them how damn lucky they are and ain't it great and snap out of it and go get excited about their new "favorite" school, and "I know a kid with a 1600 and he didn't get in anywhere so you're a brat for not being excited about Chicago" there just isn't the space to move on. So-- make her some space. Don't talk about Rice, don't talk about Yale, don't talk about next year.</p>
<p>Even kids who get into their first choice start acting out now.... leaving old friendships, even if they've outgrown them is painful. leaving home is hard. leaving a school you've mastered to go to a place where you're a newbie is anxiety provoking. Leaving your childhood behind to go off and be your own mom and dad is a really scary thing for lots of kids, even as they look forward to the independence.</p>
<p>So I wouldn't worry about her adjusting once she gets there. Help her enjoy the last month of high school, make a production out of all the ceremony and "lasts" to help her transition into all the "firsts" which are coming.</p>
<p>A'smum -</p>
<p>You should take good care of yourself. If things work out, by the time Rice rolls around, the two of you should be close to gouging each others' eyes out. Don't worry - natural process - and it makes the separation much easier. Meanwhile, schedule yourself a weekly massage.</p>
<p>But I was serious about the nursing home/homeless shelter suggestion. You have done your job, prepared her well, gave her good values, motivated her to do well, and are sending her off to a fantastic institution (and having them pay for a good part of it!) And all of this happened within the context of community life. This is a good time to remind your d. that it is incumbent to give back. She doesn't have to work for pay (now what a luxury that is!), but this would be a good way of saying thanks - to you, and to those around you who may never have the opportunities that are now laid out before her.</p>
<p>So why did she choose Rice over Chicago? Just because it's warm? Would she be happier at Chicago? If she liked it well enough to apply, what did she like about it?</p>
<p>Sorry, I am not fighting (shame on me):) I am just not happy when I see people make assumptions or offer advice that doesn't seem helpful. When you are on this site longer you will know what I mean.</p>
<p>interesteddad - I am sorry if I was mean to you. I am a girl at heart and my father would always say "buck up". Drove me crazy then, drives me crazy still.</p>
<p>blossom - thanks I though maybe I took it out of context glad to see I'm not alone:)</p>
<p>Alumother--</p>
<p>As I said, she was pretty ambivalent-- she had trouble choosing between the three, and didn't really have a clear favorite. She chose Rice mostly because of the money issue, but I think she needed some kind of tiebreaker because she had no opinion on which she liked the best.</p>
<p>Is there a particular reason why she would chose UChicago over Rice? We weren't aware that any of the three schools were significantly better than the others.</p>
<p>A's Mum..</p>
<p>When I did junior year visits to colleges, I visited the school I will be attending this fall and was not very impressed. Like your daughter, I liked it enough to apply but it wasn't a favorite. When the decisions rolled in this april, I found myself choosing between that school and another major-specific program. I eventually chose my school because I didn't want to be glued to a major, but I wasn't that thrilled about. It was the big climactic moment I had been waiting for, and I was still kinda disappointed about my options (to the confoundment of others). It was hard to accept the fact that I wasn't going to my dream school.</p>
<p>To make matters short, I visited my future college during the last week of april, fully expecting to be disappointed. Surprisingly, though, I had a great time; I loved the school and really felt like I fit in there. A complete turnaround from my first visit! I think one of the big differences was that this time I visited alone- I decided that if I was going to be there alone for four years, I wanted to experience it by myself. It really made a difference in my experience.</p>
<p>I know it's no fun to be successful and still get that letdown feeling, but I really encourage your daughter to go back to Rice now to visit, by herself. It'll make it seem so much more real and hopefully shell fall in love with her school like I did!</p>
<p>Good luck and keep us updated!</p>
<p>A's Mom- I think Rice and Chicago are VERY different. I have a little trouble even imagining the same kid being interested in both places, except that they are both strong academically and are both in cities. I went to law school at Chicago eons ago, and my D is at Rice. Rice kids play hard. Even though Chicago is not as fun-adverse as some claim, it is a "different" kind of college experience. That is why the applicant pool self-selects to such a large degree (much higher % are accepted than at many of the top schools). Your D will have an active social life at Rice and will really like the winter weather. I know other kids who had their hearts broken by Yale, and I really sympathize. But- welcome to the Rice family.</p>
<p>My D is also a future Owl. She is so thrilled with her choice. I was worried because Duke was (and has always been) her number one choice and she was rejected... It wasn't pretty but after she went to Owl Weekend she said she couldn't see herself at any other school. I would really reccommend the College ******* Book on Rice.. we just got it the other day and I think that if your D reads it she will get a much better idea about the school and it's traditions, atmosphere, etc. I really think she will change her mind once she starts "moving on" and gets beyond the "rejection" of Yale. The O Week site reccommended by one of the other posters would also be something she should check out..just reading it gives you a sense of the "fun" on campus. Good luck to your D - maybe she will meet up with my D someday~</p>
<p>I wasn't trying to be mean. I was trying to give advice on how to handle the situation. IMO, more than a month of "grieving" and "apathy" towards three great colleges means that there has been too much "selling" of the schools where she was rejected and not enough "selling" of the schools where she's been accepted. IMO, continuing to reinforce the pouting keeps sending the wrong message. I'd have been symphathetic the first week, then it would be time to knuckle down and get excited about one of the great options on the table -- including going to the accepted students visit days. Because, guess what? Yale is not an option!</p>
<p>More important advice to next year's parents. On average, if you have a brilliant, white, middle-class, straight A daughter, she has a max of about a one in twenty chance of being accepted to Yale. So, with odds like that, don't allow things to get built up to the point where "nothing else will possibly do". Use some common sense. Don't leave brochures for the red Bentley convertible in her room for a year before you say, "lets go car shopping".</p>
<p>My D will be applying to Rice next year. I've looked at all the various college student assessments, and Rice has to be the consensus best-loved university in the country. I know one student who started at Rice, then transferred to Harvard and regretted all he lost in the process. I'd go to all the review websites - reputable and otherwise - and have her read what students say about the place.</p>
<p>Happens alot. Your daughter is lucky in that her choice is not a true safety. At S's school, there are a few kids whose choices when the dust settled were clearly safety schools, and they are very bitter. Many are considering a gap year and trying again. </p>
<p>I would suggest you just leave her alone and don't get over cheery about her prospects and let her slowly come out of it. She may get there and love it. I have seen that happen even with safeties. My friend's D ended up at U of Arizona be default and was crushed, as she truly had not thought about going there; just applied since she would get a full scholarship being a NMS. Well, it turned out to be her best choice and she was devastated. Her parents took a brave outlook on it but I know everyone was set on her transferring the next year. Well, by mid year she loved the place, had made many friends and did not want to leave. She is doing very well there and has some wonderful opportunities. On the other hand, there are kids who can't wait to transfer out and stay in that mindset. My son's first year roommate was that way, though he never did. My son and nephew made transfer noises the whole time through college, but I just listened sympathetically, but made no moves to help them in that direction.</p>
<p>I see nothing wrong with saying Buck Up...this girl is going off to college, spending huge amounts of money, and she is moody. I think there is probably more going on than she is letting on, but doesn't quite know how to articulate it.</p>
<p>I would tell my Ds. "Well, this is what we have. I have noticed you have been really sad. I can understand. There is a lot going on, graduation friends moving on, etc. </p>
<p>You have chosen to go to rice. Only you can decide how you want to live with it. You have been given a great opportunity, and it will only be as good as you allow it to be. So, I won't bring up school again. Here are some books to read. Here are some things to do. I can't have you moping around all summer. Theres volunteer work, paid work, internship, all kinds of things to do. I strongly suggest you find something to get some new experiences. When you are ready to start shopping for those fun college things, like towels, sheets, clothes, just let me know. I will be here. I can't change what is. Its up to you to figure this out. If you don't want to go to Rice, don't go. That is up to you. I can't make you go. If you truely think you will be miserable, well, then maybe we need to rethink this whole thing. let me know. Of course, I want you to be happy. Of course it was disappointing, but now we all need to work with the great school we have now. Let me know what your plans are. I love you lots, I am very proud of you, I know you will make the right decision for you."</p>
<p>The hardest thing will be not talking about it. Stop yourself. She needs to deal with this on her own. You have done all you can. Conjoling and encouraging won't help. She needs to come around on her own. I think if you step WAY WAY back and let her come to you, she may come around. </p>
<p>I think she will.</p>
<p>When my son didn't get into his so-called dream school, I flat out asked him "are you unhappy with the choices you are left with b/c if you are, there are other things we can do - i.e. gap year or applying late to other colleges, etc. He felt he had some good choices, chose one and is getting more and more excited about the reality vs. the dream. I think that your daughter should be moving in that direction a little at this point in time. She had some great choices. Get on the Rice website and dig up everything you can find that she might be interested in. One thing we found at my son's school was club soccer - that really perked him up. I also checked into marine biology (starting here on cc) which he suddenly announced was his dream career and sent him info about how the undergraduate major he chose will help him toward that goal. Whatever your daughter's interests are, try to find activities geared toward her. Try to get her psyched up about Rice. I think one thing that is difficult is all this high school crap where everyone keeps asking and announcing where kids got into colleges. That will go away in June.</p>
<p>Have her order some school stuff from their website. Try to get her involved. When she gets her email address, check into thefacebook.com which my kids think is the greatest thing since AIM. Maybe someone here can explain what it is, some sort of college interactive forum.</p>
<p>Oh, and make sure you talk the talk too. These kids have weird perceptions and it doesn't take much for them to think that we are disappointed when really we are just hurting for them. You have to get past that too and maybe that's where a little of idad's tough love is appropriate. Screw Yale. Yeah, I said it. Screw 'em. haha Go Rice! Like others said, you need to get it across to your daughter that this isn't a lesser opportunity, it is just a different one.</p>
<p>Why do students apply to schools they don't want to go to in the first place? I did this myself 30 years ago, but there was a lot less information available. There are over 3,000 colleges in this country. Any student should be able to build a list of reaches safeties, and matches that they would be happy to attend.</p>
<p>Juniors take note!</p>
<p>Years ago there was some social science research that established that it takes most humans at least six weeks to adapt to major changes, even good ones--and your daughter is grieving the loss of a dream that was maybe bigger than you knew. But at five weeks you are still inside the normal trajectory. I'd try becoming obdurately indifferent to the pouting (actually very hard but probably possible)--and excessively interested in the well-deserved fun she might have this summer. (If she has saved so well she doesn't have to work maybe some mild indulgence is in order?) Can you get her out of sight for awhile right after graduation? A road trip, a tour of some kind--with ordinary non-Ivy bound buddies? A friend of mine's wise mother says, about kids and how we let them leave us...."They get you ready". This is one of those maybe. </p>
<p>And for the days you can't get the pouting out sight: Earnestly suggest she defer a year and go do Tsunam relief work.</p>
<p>Rejection sucks. I don't blame her. I bet this is more about the rejections she received than apathy about the acceptances. I bet it's almost impossible to be excited about the acceptances while also dealing with the rejections. Let her deal with one thing at a time. </p>
<p>The problem is that while these kids are dealing with the rejections they also have to make decisions about which offer to accept. It does concern me that she might not have really had time to come to love her choices....and choose what's best for her. </p>
<p>I think the message here is that kids really should love ALL of the schools to which they apply. This is a good example of why. Though, I'm not sure how likely it is. </p>
<p>Rejections aside, I hope she can live with her choice. </p>
<p>Wouldn't it be great if they all had their safeties listed as #2 on the list?</p>
<p>Years ago there was some social science research that established that it takes most humans at least six weeks to adapt to major changes, even good ones--and your daughter is grieving the loss of a dream that was maybe bigger than you knew. But at five weeks you are still inside the normal trajectory. I'd try becoming obdurately indifferent to the pouting (actually very hard but probably possible)--and excessively interested in the well-deserved fun she might have this summer. (If she has saved so well she doesn't have to work maybe some mild indulgence is in order?) Can you get her out of sight for awhile right after graduation? A road trip, a tour of some kind--with ordinary non-Ivy bound buddies? A friend of mine's wise mother says, about kids and how we let them leave us...."They get you ready". This is one of those maybe. </p>
<p>And for the days you can't get the pouting out sight: Earnestly suggest she defer a year and go do Tsunami relief work.</p>