Daughter wants an apartment freshman year

Parents Forum
1

<p>My daughter has been accepted at her three of her top five choices (still waiting on two) and received some nice scholarship offers. The problem is that, unless she can get a private dorm room (which seems unlikely), she is demanding an apartment.</p>

<p>I have some problems with that. There's the expense of an apartment (I'm not wealthy). She claims that she earned the apartment because of how much her scholarships will save. But more than that, I don't think an apartment is a good idea freshman year. This is a kid who does no chores and doesn't even do her own laundry. I can't see her taking on the responsibility of an apartment and the transition to college - it would be too much change for one year. Maybe for her second year, but not freshman year. Plus I think she would get really isolated, and be less likely to make it to class from an off campus apartment than from an on campus dorm room. </p>

<p>She says that she just can't live in a dorm with a roommate, and that she won't go to college if she has to live in a dorm. I don't know what to do. Should I tell her that if she really wants an apartment to take a gap year and try to find a job and pay for it herself (which will be a problem in this economy, especially since she has no work experience)? I'd rather not go in debt for an apartment (college yes, but not an apartment). </p>

<p>Has anyone had a kid who is totally against having a roommate, and how did you deal with this? I'd really appreciate any advice...</p>

2

<p>I didn’t have that experience with my daughter, but I agree; moving to an apartment is too much of a transition for most freshmen, especially those who aren’t already doing laundry and a lot of household management at home! Plus there is the cost of equipping the apartment, and (likely) furnishing it as well. Sometimes people have to do this, but if a dorm is available, I think it is a much better option.
I would tell her there are two skill sets to learn:
how to handle college level classes, projects, papers, time management, meeting with professors and study groups, college extra-curriculars, and working out your own schedule
how to grocery shop and keep fresh food on hand, buy cleaning supplies, keep kitchen, bathroom, bedroom clean, cook meals
and that for freshman year, she will be learning skill set #1. (Some schools require that freshmen live on campus.) I would tell her that everyone else will have a roommate too. Learning to live with a roommate is a good life skill. Stand firm! Good luck.</p>

3

<p>First, I would do some research on the schools that have accepted her, and have her contact the housing office at each to see if they could make a single available to a freshman. She could write a letter explaining the reasons why it is important to her. Since it seems to be such a priority for her, the answers from the schools could determine which is best for her to attend. If there is any medical/psychological reason for a single that can be validated by a doctor, I think the school would be accomodating.</p>

4

<p>^ I think Wildwood11 has given you good advice. I’ve known several kids who made their final decision on schools based upon housing arrangements. As inane as it might sound, shared dorm rooms are not for everyone. Especially for kids who are true introverts. Not having down time and personal space can be very hard for a person who truly needs it.</p>

<p>As an introvert, I was always happy to have skipped the ‘dorm’ experience. It would have driven me insane. Some of those dorm rooms are like closets. I’m very worried that my introvert son who is an only child is going to have a very difficult time adjusting to dorm life.</p>

<p>Is there a possibility she could go in on an apartment with some other students? The housing office might have a list of students looking for roommates. Also, some schools have ‘suites’ whereby each kid has their own room but share a bath and other common space (much more apartment like).</p>

<p>Another possibility is to require her to get a PT job to cover the cost difference between a dorm and apartment.</p>

<p>I would definitely rule out living in an apartment by herself. Too isolating for a freshman.</p>

<p>At some of the schools we visited, single dorm rooms were very common and not hard to get. At other schools, they were very hard to come by. It really depends upon the school.</p>

5

<p>Sounds like “who’s going to blink first” or tough love. She’s essentially having a tantrum if she says she won’t go to college if she can’t live by herself. What’s next? </p>

<p>I can certainly understand not wanting to live in a dorm room with others, sharing a bath and all the rest of it. Many kids these days grow up in their own rooms, and aren’t used to sharing to that degree. Add some shyness or nervousness about going off to school, and the single looks very attractive. Wanting it is very natural. Saying she’s give up college if she doesn’t get her way is extremely immature.</p>

<p>First off, she may not have the choice no matter what she wants. There are definitely benefits to being on campus as a freshman. That’s the reason why most schools require on campus living for freshmen unless they live locally, and sometimes also for sophomores. Check her schools, since it would be surprising if they let the freshmen get apartments. </p>

<p>I’d agree that she earned the right to apply some of her scholarship funds to a single, if she can get one. She could contact the housing offices of each school to see what her chances are. If she’s borrowing the balance of her college cost, she has to recognize that this is a luxury that will end up in more debt for her at the end of the day. Again, this is a maturity issue but I’d be more comfortable with her making that choice (or mistake). You may end up telling her that it’s time to pull up her big girl panties and join the crowd of other students who are going to be forced to live, work and play with each other next year.</p>

<p>Each of my kids did start off demanding singles. They definitely preferred them when they got them, but admit that a large number of their college friendships were developed through having roommates.</p>

6

<p>Everyone has given you good advice in how to accomendate your daughter. She should definitely try to contact those schools to see if she could get a single, and if it’s even possible to live off campus the first year. Based on that then she could make her decision as to which school she should go.</p>

<p>D1, who is a junior in college, is a very mature and responsible young woman. I don’t think she would have been ready to have her own aparemtn freshman year and also adjust to college life. After a month a school she said to me, “The hardest thing about being in college is now I am responsible for doing everything, there is no one to remind me to make an appointment to see my advisor, doctor’s appoinment, or to fill out forms for different programs.” She needed to schedule time to do her laundry, to clean her room, to pick up toiletries, many things we used to do for them while they were home.</p>

<p>As far as not going to a college if she couldn’t get a single or an apartment, I would tell her “If you don’t go to college then you would have to get a job, either pay me rent or get your own apartment. You are not going to make me cry about whether you go to college or not.”</p>

7

<p>Most students seem to establish their major friendships during freshman year, in their dorms. At least, at residential colleges. It is not, in some ways, even a matter of friendship, but sort of replacement for family.</p>

<p>I would tell your daughter that it is fine if she does not want to go to college next year. It is inappropriate for her to blackmail you in that way. It is one thing to ask for help on the issue, another to make rigid demands.</p>

<p>You could also tell her that she can go to continuing education classes at night, do college online, or do a low residency program (such as Goddard) and not have to live in a dorm. Goddard takes applications up to a month before the semester starts.</p>

<p>If your daughter is this desperate for an apartment or single, then I think you could take her to a psychologist to explore the issue. If the psychologist can come up with a diagnosis, and can document the need for a single, then you would have to go to the college disability offices- before she accepts - and see if they will provide that for her. Even with a documented disability, this is not always a sure thing.</p>

<p>Your family doctor might be able to help as well.</p>

<p>Be aware that at some schools, dorms with singles have a grouping of kids who have requested them through the disabilities office. Our daughter has chronic health problems and had a single freshman year. More than 35% of the students in that dorm went home for medical or mental health reasons. It was hard to get attached to people who then left.</p>

<p>There are some arrangements that approach a single. Our daughter grew up in a small room that she shared with her sister. She did not really want special treatment at college. She has to get up at night to do a health-related check, and has rheumatological and neurological issues that require some control over her environment, particularly in terms of noise. The college matched her with a very quiet girl, who for her own reasons wanted control over noise.</p>

<p>In addition, their room consists of one large room (which the other girl has) and one small room off of that, which has a door that can be shut. Our daughter agreed to request a “room with a door that could be shut,” that could be in a suite or with a roommate, and felt that satisfied her needs without asking for special treatment due to her disabilities. She goes to the dorm and shuts the door, and it is very like a single. So there may be other arrangements your daughter could look into. Even a larger suite with rooms with doors.</p>

<p>I would get to the bottom of why the single is so important that your daughter refuses to go without it. That is pretty extreme.</p>

<p>I would also call colleges and ask if apartments are allowed for freshmen. Chances are, the answer will be no, and then you won’t be the bad guy. Then, your daughter has a choice before her that has nothing to do with you.</p>

<p>Feel free to tell your daughter about mine. She has significant health problems but refuses an accommodation that has offered her- a single room- because she thinks she should have to deal with what everyone else is dealing with. I am proud of her.</p>

<p>Editing to clarify that our daughter is also an introvert who needs time alone, and her major is in a creative area that requires quiet and reflection. She did not want a roommate, at all, and having a roommate was one of her biggest fears about going to college. Nevertheless, she wanted to show her willingness to suffer like everyone else, this year.</p>

8

<p>Many schools require freshmen to live on campus, she should check each of her schools. She also might want to see if any offer suite style living where each student has their own bedroom but share a common living room and semi-private bathroom. It might be a good compromise. If this was such a major issue, it’s too bad she didn’t check into this before applying.</p>

9

<p>Unless your D has issues such as compmom’s D, she will be at a major disadvantage if she lives in her own apartment as a freshman. Presumably, it will not be right on campus, so she will have a commute. Depending on the location of the college, it could be long. My S appreciated the ability to “roll out of bed and run to class” (hopefully, not quite so literally). She will have to do her own shopping and cleaning, doing her laundry (perhaps she will have washer/dryer in her apartment, perhaps in the building, or perhaps she will have to cart the lot to the laundromat), taking out her own garbage, and other chores that, apparently, she has never done at home.
There will be no one to talk to unless she hangs around on campus; there will be no one with whom to study, maybe share textbooks (my S did that with those of his roommates who took the same classes as he), to remind her about things like meetings, tests, etc… or share tips. It will be harder for her to join extra-curricular activities, many of which take place in the evening. There will be more of a safety concern about her going back to the apartment in the dark. And it will be harder to make friends, as others have pointed out.</p>

10

<p>Just say no.</p>

11

<p>Tell her if she wants to have her own room she can live at HOME and commute to college.</p>

12

<p>The last 2 posts make sense to me. How does a teenager “demand an apartment”? If she wants to handle all the bills and responsibilities, thats one thing. If she isn’t even old enough legally to sign a lease, thats another. If she really , REALLY needs a single, get a Doctors note.</p>

13

<p>Dear Daughter,</p>

<p>You are being a brat.</p>

<p>Stay home (have your room) and go to a local college.</p>

<p>Scholarships are not “your” money. </p>

<p>Get a job and find out how very hard it is to earn and then save after taxes and other expenses enough money to go to college.</p>

<p>Mom has been scrimping and saving for 18 years in order to help you go to college. Where is the gratitude?</p>

<p>Oh my.</p>

<p>(It was the threat that put me over the edge :slight_smile: )</p>

<p>crosspost with last two posters</p>

14

<p>I’d just say no, too, and then try getting to the bottom of it, as compmom suggests. Anxiety is to be expected, but she sounds beyond anxious to me. And she has no business making “demands.”</p>

<p>Also, do any of your D’s options offer living-learning communities or residential interest groups for freshmen? She could choose a dorm based on shared interests and maybe feel more comfortable at the start. In most schools this arrangement also means a little more RA involvement.</p>

<p>Some anecdotal data: At an admissions session at my S’s school, practically no one raised their hands when asked if they shared a room at home. Only a few more said they had shared a bathroom! So just about everyone is new to this.</p>

15

<p>My D also has health issues, wants a roommate, and is a bit concerned she WON’T get one because of the issues. </p>

<p>But, that’s a different personality than OPs child, and I get the difference, I’d want solitude too. But, at 18…we don’t always get what we want. </p>

<p>Back up and first look at each college. Do any even ALLOW you do stay off campus? Most don’t. If not, your worry is over. It’s a non-issue. I’m betting that’s one reason they do it. They KNOW it’s the best thing for everyone to be on campus, so they just REQUIRE it - that way there is zero parental-offspring conflict. </p>

<p>I told my daughter I felt she “earned” her way to college (with scholarships). And I congratulated her. Then I told her to also keep in mind she didn’t do it alone. She has a God given gift, but she also worked hard. She got the grades, but she was placed in an environment with a good school, loving family, support, that helped her do that. She overcame obstacles, but that’s what’s expected of one who wants to be successful. She was fully involved in ECs, but only through someone else (Miss Taxi-cab and Money-bags…me) giving up things so she could benefit. </p>

<p>Your daughter did a good job by getting scholarships. She should be proud. But if my daughter even demanded that she get something more…such as an off campus apartment…well, let’s just say she wouldn’t be leaving the house for a week or two! If she does attend her in-state uni (where she has scholarship), she’s not allowed to be off campus as a freshman. If she decides she WANTS to go off campus next year, that will be MY (financial) decision to approve or not…unless she pays for it. She’s 18, can’t stop her now. But…one thing we’re already discussing is…if I decide to say yes and pay for it - that is money that COULD have been used elsewhere. Kid could probably have a month in Europe on that same money. Lots of nice party dresses, down payment on a car, etc. So…as adults we know there is only so much money. We take value where we can, if we need to, so the money can go elsewhere. If you decide to spend it on an apartment…let her know it comes from the budget in some other area!</p>

16

<p>Loving all the responses. My 21 year old moved into a studio apartment senior year. He told me at Christmas it was one of the hardest semesters he had and a huge adjustment. Living alone, doing everything on his own, etc. He had lived in apartments with roommates prior.<br>
I remember as a young college graduate those first years living alone in an unfamiliar city were very lonely times.</p>

17

<p>Living in an apartment is more than just laundry and groceries.</p>

<p>During vacations, someone has to remember to stop the mail, empty the fridge, make sure someone (landlord?) is stopping by occasionally to check on things.</p>

<p>Someone (your D) needs to take out the garbage, stay home from class to wait for repair people or the exterminator ( a fact of life in most student type apartments.) Leases run 12 months long- so she’ll be paying for June/July/August next summer even if the apartment is empty, or has to be responsible for finding a tenant and then collecting rent, making sure the tenant doesn’t trash the apartment if she wants her (your) deposit back.</p>

<p>Does she ever plan on getting married or having a long term serious relationship? Sharing a room for most adults is a fact of life. If she’s been lucky enough to never have to share up until now, carving out space in a shared situation is a very valuable skill to master. </p>

<p>For me, this would set off bells that my kid was just not ready for college (or at least the residential part.) So living at home for a year and taking classes to get the academics under her belt would be my plan. Otherwise, I see a Freshman year filled with a lot of annoying household chores, cleaning, finding a wrench to deal with a leaky pipe or unclogging the hair from the drain, plus lots of lonely evenings without the camaraderie of a dorm.</p>

<p>And why does she not have any household responsibilities now? Does she make dinner one night a week? Does she ever run the vacuum or clean a toilet and de-mildew the shower just to relieve the burden on Mom??? Seems to me that’s a good place to start.</p>

18

<p>Getting an apartment freshman year is not an acceptable option for all the reasons other posters have given. It limits social development, infringes on academic work, cuts the child off from the community, and just plain makes no sense. This is beyond a bad idea–it is essentially irrational. But I do not envy you explaining this to your daughter.</p>

19

<p>It seems to me that the OP’s D thinks that living in an apartment will be the same as living at home, with her own room, and everything done for her–starting with laundry, which she has never done before, but is the least onerous of the tasks she would have to do on her own. I was trying to list arguments that the OP could make to her D, and other posters have added to the list with even more consequential issues, such as finances, handling mail, repairs, deliveries.
The OP knows that it is a bad idea. Ultimately, she has to muster the guts to say NO, however big a tantrum it may unleash.</p>

20

<p>I got my son an apartment freshman year as there was no dorm space available by the time we applied. The apartment is closer to his classrooms than all of the dorms on campus and he’s literally 20 seconds from his door to the building where he takes most of his courses. Our daughter stays there a few nights a week for her dual-enrollment courses.</p>

<p>I have niece with a single but she has a medical problem that requires specialized and expensive equipment in her dorm.</p>

<p>We had a local case of a father shooting his daughter, wife and self after an argument. It appears to be related to college expenses from the account of a relative. The daughter wanted to go to an expensive out-of-state public while the father wanted her to go to a cheaper public, perhaps in-state. It appears that they had an argument (daughter called 911 twice) before the shootings. There’s a lot of stress in the current economic times and I think it only reasonable that kids understand their parents’ financial situation before demanding things.</p>

<p>There are also some good reasons for not wanting roommates. There was a recent thread about students getting into trouble (as in arrested) for their roommates’ use of drugs or alcohol or even a minor student taking an older student’s alcohol in the common fridge.</p>