Daughter won't talk about college. What to do?

Parents Forum
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<p>Husband and I are at our wits' end. We've taken our HS senior daughter to visit 9 schools since last February. She's done an overnight at 2. She has shown virtually no interest in the college search/visit process although we've been discussing it as a family since freshman year when we began buying the requisite reference and "how-to-get-in" books. So, we picked schools that we thought matched her profile and asked her if she wanted to visit. In all cases, she agreed but never was interested enough to even visit a web site or crack a guidebook.</p>

<p>She says she wants to go to college, but she doesn't know where, what to major in, what she wants to do with her life. She told me with a laugh that she wished "undecided" was a major. She has always held down the most academically challenging courseload available. Her grades are B's and teachers always comment that with more effort, she'd easily have A's.</p>

<p>As far as college selection, she simply doesn't want to talk about it. When we bring it up, she shuts down and leaves the room. She took an SAT prep course under duress. She's a bad tester, but didn't spend a minute doing the practice tests available to her. Simply put, she can't be bothered. SAT scores are 1180 and 1200 (Reading/math) the two times she's taken it.</p>

<p>The last college visit (U Montana) was the only visit where she had a positive reaction. She told me during the tour that this was where she was going to go to college and meant it. That was three weeks ago and now I can't mention the application without her clamming up.</p>

<p>We've told her that the clock is running out and she needs to deal with it. Ok, so here's the question: Is it us-are we too controlling? Or, is this somewhat normal behavior for a 17 year old? My gut tells me that she's terrified of growing up. She's been at a boarding school since freshman year, so I don't think she fears leaving home. Maybe college is different in her mind? Should we just back off and let her take the lead, hoping she won't miss a deadline?</p>

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<p>My sister was having a similar problem with her daughter (my niece). They told her that certain applications simply had to be done before she could go out on the weekends- they were the fairly easy state u and honors applications. She got them done, but it was a painful process for the family. </p>

<p>I would focus on the Montana application- it is probably pretty easy. Ask your daughter how she wants to approach it. I am a believer in offering clerical help- i.e. filling out the stuff about the family, etc. Can her counselor at school help? Do you have much access to your daughter since she is at boarding school? That is one problem I had with my son- he is across the country! He finally got very motivated and everything (for now) is done. He also has a wonderful college counselor (with an even more wonderful administrative assistant who actually does all the work of coordinating and mailing).
I feel for you- it is frustrating. Curmudgeon and I have discussed this....</p>

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<p>My little sister is the same way. She says she wants to go to college, but has no clue for what and to where. Frankly I don't see her doing too well if she goes off to school, she needs to grow up a little bit more first.. so she might end up living at home and going somewhere close to home. And hey, "undeclared" is a major at some schools :)</p>

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<p>I talk to my daughter on the phone almost every night, so we have an extremely close relationship although she is away. I've spoken with her GC and he's monitoring the situation and plans to pull her into his office if she doesn't show up there by the end of the week to report on her Montana visit (as she promised). So, I think the Montana app will get filed soon and she'll have that one in her pocket.</p>

<p>Do you think this situation is due to immaturity?</p>

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<p>Could be that going to college is the wrong decision for now. Maybe a gap year will awaken some motivation.</p>

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<p>It sounds like a very typical 17 year old. Both my sons have been like that to a greater or lesser degree. (My S2 is just now getting interested in the subject - thanks, kid - November of your Senior year!) Of course it's immaturity - they're not mature yet. It's perfectly normal. (The hard charging, focused overachievers who frequent this website are the exception, I think.)</p>

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<p>U of Montana's freshman "priority" admissions deadlines -- from the U's website:</p>

<p>Fall semester - March 1;
Spring semester - November 15. </p>

<p>"Priority" means they still accept applications after those dates. </p>

<p>I think guide books and such freshman year and lots of parental focus on college can backfire with some kids. But whether that is the case or not, it's water under the bridge now.</p>

<p>If it were me, given the admissions deadlines at Montana, I would back off, tell her what the deadlines are, and let her know that a semester or two living at home and going to jc would not be the end of the world, should she miss the deadlines. Not as a threat, but as an option.</p>

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<p>edad-we've discussed idea of a gap year, but there a couple of problems. Firstly, since she's been away at school for the past few years, she has no longer has friends at home. She has literally no social life the entire summer. Secondly, the lack of motivation for school translates into lack of motivation for work. She is prohibited from working while at school, so has no experience with an afterschool job. Her summer employment so far in life has included babysitting (day long in summer) and a short part-time stint at a local business. I'm afraid a gap year would be spent in the home watching tv and talking on AIM while we're at work and nights would be spent fighting with us about why she wasn't looking for a job. Kind of the mirror image of the current fight over why she isn't looking for a college!</p>

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<p>Is there no community college or jc in your area?</p>

<p>She has almost 4 months to apply to Montana!</p>

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<p>The first applications are the hardest. Maybe you are being too confining in that you seem to have made up your mind that she has to go to college next year. Have you ever discussed a gap year? There's nothing like working 9-5 to make a teen appreciate the freedom of college.</p>

<p>It seems like she has had several years of adults telling her what to do with her education, and perhaps she's saying she'd like to make her own decision this time. Like most 17 year olds, she probably hasn't much of an idea of how to do it.</p>

<p>Give her a deadline or two and see how she does with them. If she continues to procrastinate, then talk about what a year off would involve - if she would live at home, then specify a job by a certain date, a commitment to working X hours a week and contributing Y dollars to the household. Since she has choices, let her make them, and be strong about holding her to the consequences.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
I would focus on the Montana application- it is probably pretty easy. Ask your daughter how she wants to approach it. I am a believer in offering clerical help- i.e. filling out the stuff about the family, etc.

[/quote]

Here is what I would do under similar circumstances:
1. Develop of list of schools, meeting requirements for chances of getting in and any financial restrictions you have.
2. Manage the details of the process -- fill out repetitive forms where possible, give her deadlines for essays and short answers etc, and enforce them -- starting with U of Montana.
3. Recruit the GC, which you seem to have done.
4. In spring, spend some time talking about options and expectations (her expectations about college life). If you think she's really not going to be ready by fall, then look into deferred acceptance and gap year activites.</p>

<p>I think she's confused (like most 17 year olds) and may be overwhelmed by the process. If you can handle the grunt work for her, and give her small chunks -- assignments -- that need to be done by a certain date, she will at least have some choices by spring. I wouldn't let her put it off indefinitely -- kids grow up a lot by fall after HS graduation. But few kids are really good at project management, and many just don't know what they want to do for the rest of their lives. But isn't that what college is for?</p>

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<p>1down-Montana has rolling admissions. During our visit they said it took about 3 weeks to hear back and recommended applying by the end of November so you could be top on the list for choice housing (first-come, first served). They suggested reserving your place and if you decided to go elsewhere, deposit is returned.</p>

<p>Yes, she has plenty of time. Perhaps I'm jumping at this because she was FINALLY interested in a school to the point of being positive, yet returned home and did nothing. </p>

<p>I should mention that her best friends are all going to college in the Boston area (close to us) and have told her it is too far away. When she excitedly called them the evening after the Montana visit, all she heard was reasons why she shouldn't go that far away! Peer pressure is not on her side! Teenagers-got to love them!</p>

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<p>My son is still dragging his feet. He hasn't filed anything but part 1 of the USoCal app, tho he has visited several & "kinda/sorta" has a list of schools. His cousin is similarly situated & both are seniors. I know they'll get things in, but the foot-dragging is agonizing!</p>

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<p>
[quote]
Teenagers-got to love them!

[/quote]

Who knows what would happen if we didn't!</p>

<p>HImom, are you looking at private schools after all? Just curious, since I thought you mentioned only OOS publics on a different thread.</p>

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<p>ok, I'm starting to feel better. I am beginning to think I have a normal kid and that there are a lot of other parents in my shoes.</p>

<p>The worst part of this is that my D is a talented writer and artist ,and has so much untapped academic potential. (I know, I know, the dreaded "P" word). She has repeatedly told me she wished there was a job where you read all day. I told her she could be an editor, but she said she would only want to read good books!</p>

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<p>Baseball, I too think that the situation with your D is pretty typical. Montana sounds like an excellent choice for her and I agree with you doing the grunt work on the application, attach the check and then send it to your D's boarding school and let the counselor and her do the rest. This way it kind of removes you from the situation. In case she decides she doesn't want to go that far away then I would also check out schools closer to you, maybe places her friends are going. In my experience with teen girls it's best to do whatever you can to cut the drama <em>sigh</em>.</p>

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<p>I know first hand how frustrating it can be to feel ready to get things done and then be faced with a teen who isn't ready to begin, but sometimes it's easy to get too focused on college, college, college. </p>

<p>Ultimately, the decision of where and when (and even if) to apply to college has to be your daughter's process. You may not like the way she's handling (or not handling) the process, but it is still her life, and, in the end, you may indeed have to accept that this is one thing you aren't going to be able to fix or control for her.</p>

<p>She has to do it herself, and the best way to help her may be to simply step back and let her, even if she doesn't end up doing things the way you would or the way you would like her to. Although you've been focused on finding a college for her since she was a freshman in high school, it's clear she hasn't been. It's time to just stop and let her take over in terms of finding her direction in life, as hard as that is for all parents to do. </p>

<p>I'd be leery of filling out forms or making decisions for a child who hasn't shown even the slightest interest in visiting colleges or thinking about where she'd like to attend. If she isn't motivated enough to put even a bit of effort into this, then she may not be ready for college next year, and you may want to think about the wisdom of spending your money on something she isn't ready to pursue. </p>

<p>That said, I'd make it absolutely clear to her that a gap year spent lying around the house watching TV is NOT an option and that she has to come up with some sort of plan for what she will be doing next year.
It could be finding a job (and paying rent to you if she lives in your home), doing a formal gap year program (Americorps perhaps), or going to college. But SHE has to have some sort of plan by the end of the year because, honey, we love you and want you to succeed, but you're going to be an adult and making decisions about how you want to live your adult life is now going to be YOUR responsibility. </p>

<p>Then follow through. Bite your tongue. Smile sweetly when she asks for your advice and tell her what you would do but make it clear you expect her to find her own path. Sure, you'll have some nail biting moments and sleepless nights, but as long as she isn't headed for a life of drugs or prostitution, you'll be doing her a bigger favor by putting this on her shoulders and pushing her to decide for herself rather than telling her what you've decided for her. </p>

<p>However, one thing I do want to add: Depression can make it very difficult to get motivated or to make decisions. I would put worries about college aside and ask her some hard questions about what she is really feeling/going through and then get her professional help if there's any indication of depression.</p>

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<p>Your D sounds pretty typical to me. Don't be in too much of a hurry. Another related typical behavior is that once a college acceptance is received, all school work stops!</p>

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<p>I think I would also tell her that it is ok to be undecided on a major at this time. Many kids begin their college careers with an undeclared major. She may be feeling alot of pressure to decide what she wants to do with the rest of her life. If you remove that part of the equation it might not seem so overwhelming to her. Good luck.</p>

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<p>Is there even an essay required for Montana? I think the online application is quite simple and straight-forward, and I think if your daughter has already said she is interested in applying, you could offer to sit down with her at the computer over the weekend and "start" filling it out. Tell her you guys won't finish it, just get it started with the basic info, name, address, etc., and you can work on it again the next weekend or a couple of weeks later. (The idea is to make it seem painless and hard to argue with.) It's an ApplyWeb thing, I think, so once all that is in, btw, it will be there for any other ApplyWeb app she might want to hastily complete at the last possible minute. ;-) </p>

<p>Once you both are sitting there filling out the pages, I think she will notice how simple that app is and she just may insist on finishing it up in one sitting to get it over with. Especially if there is no essay. Just make sure you have a copy of her unofficial transcript and any other data in front of you before you sit down so there is nothing to hold things up. You can create an ApplyWeb account and view the app anytime. When you don't fill anything out, a data verification window appears--just click the "verify later" button or whatever it's called and you will be allowed to see every page in the app so you know what they are going to ask for ahead of time.</p>

<p>And remind her that getting into Montana doesn't mean she has to go. So if she decides it's too far because Susie-who-she-may-never-see-again-after-high-school thinks it's too far, then she can stay home and help you with the laundry and go to community college which is really close.</p>