<p>Do any of you out there have a child who is a day student at boarding school? My son attends a BS where 90%+ are boarders and only 10% or less are day students. As a matter of fact, there are only four freshman boys. He going through a rough time in making close friends, and a group of boarders are just down right mean to him. He is an outgoing, positive kid, as well as, a very good student. He is clinging to his old friends who attend our public high school and would rather attend that high school's functions rather than his BS functions.</p>
<p>He is not on the football or soccer team, but rather the Cross Country team (which apparently, isn't as "cool"). He loves the school, but doesn't like most of the students.....he has tried to "connect" with people and has "put himself out there", but as a day student, it's very difficult to be accepted. My heart aches for him. He says that everyone already has friends and "groups" and he feels it's too late to penetrate those groups. Have any of you had similiar problems with the day student situation?</p>
<p>I really feel for you Beachguru. I wish I had some experience to offer, but I don't. My daughter boards at a school that is 100% boarding, which is something she wanted because she thought it would make the school community tighter.</p>
<p>But it is still early in the year. My daughter still misses the closeness of her friendships with her high school here at home and spends occasional weekends with her friends and stays updated with them and the highschool events online etc. At some point I am hoping she starts to identify more with her Boarding School and her new friends there, but that hasn't happened yet. When I look around the campus though, I see that the Sophomores and Upperclassmen are much closer than the Freshman are. I hope it just takes time, but I suppose it also takes commitment.</p>
<p>I don't have direct personal experience with a child, but I know several kids who attend a boarding school as day students.<br>
I don't know what the school does in your case - with the 4 schools I'm fairly familiar with, they are all very different inhow they treat day students. They are known to be "harder" or "friendlier" for day students.</p>
<p>First, I would say, most of what he/you can do will be harder on you than him. Mostly because you are his ride and it will likely require him being on campus more.
Do they have sit-down dinners? If so, can he go to them? One school I know of has a seat for all day students (not at one table, but in with everyone) at their sit down dinners and encourages them to attend. Even with a cafe-style dinner, if he can stay and eat with some friends from cross country that would be great.
Can he go early to breakfast?<br>
Can he stay for study hall?<br>
Are there clubs in the evening he can join?<br>
The more he can be on campus, the more he will feel comfortable there AND, the less he will seem to be a day student to the other kids, who somehow view it as a negative. </p>
<p>Does the school "seperate" the day students? One school has a day student lounge but no one is ever there. The kdis feel like it seperates them even more. My son's school just eliminated the DS lounge for that reason and provide lockers somewhere. He said he couldn't tell you who is a day student. The school with the lounge also attaches you to a dorm (no room though, one school assigns a bunch of day students to one room, so they have a dorm to go to which is nice). Can he find a friend that he can dump some stuff in his dorm room? Maybe someone on Cross Country or in one of his classes? Being in the dorm some helps.</p>
<p>Basically at the schools where it is "harder" the advise we were given is to be there as much as possible. I know one girl at a well-known school who was a day student early in the year other girls said to her "you don't LOOK like a day student." So I know that the judging goes on. </p>
<p>Does he have an advisor or other adult he is comfortable talking to at the school? They may have some suggestions as well.</p>
<p>Thank you all for your posts. My son does stay every night for dinner and many nights for study hall.........so he leaves at 7am and many times, doesn't return until 10:30pm or so. He has signed up for many clubs -- although many haven't started yet. They do have a day student room, where they keep their things and stay for study hall. Unfortunetly, this room is away from many of the freshman dorms. Only one other day student seems to stay regularly for study hall........and I don't think my son and this other student are too fond of one another.</p>
<p>He tells me that he just sits at an open seat at dinner, tries to engage in conversation, but gets minimal output back. His advisor has told him to keep "putting himself out there", but quite frankly, he has. At this point in time, he really doesn't want to appear like a charity case looking for friends. It's a tough situation because he does love the school overall........the best my husband and I can do is just be supportive and let him find his way. We have discussed the possibility of him returning to his old friends at the public school if he's miserable and wants to leave...........although, my son thinks this is the best for him if he wants to attend an Ivy ..........any thoughts?</p>
<p>Can he go to study hall in the library? I would stay away from the "day student lounge" as much as possible. That simply seperates them more.<br>
Sounds like he's doing all he can. Is there even just one person he could arrange to sit with at dinner?<br>
Hopefully once clubs start, it will get better.</p>
<p>It does not sound like I would want to go to the day student study hall room either. Do kids at this school study in their rooms or at the library? Like Linda says, the library might be better. </p>
<p>I am familiar with a boarding school that has quite a few day students. They are assigned to a dorm, and can hang out in the dorm lounge, which they do. However, the fact that there are a lot of day students gives them a support that your son doesn't have. They also have lunches and other meals that are more organized at times, like with advisory groups or other subgroups meant to break things down.</p>
<p>I also agree with Linda to try to find an open person and try to make a time to have lunch or dinner together. Sometimes kids overlook potential friends because they pick the wrong tree to bark up. I think it is better not to look for that charismatic person with the whole crowd around him if you are in this type of situation. I would look for some others who are not part of the big crowd.</p>
<p>This is a difficult adjustment in many ways, regardless of the school setting. I think the friendships are not set in stone at this point and do shift around. I don't have any boys, but I hear from my D stories of groups and friendships formed and disbanded quite regularly. Her friends include boys as well as girls. </p>
<p>We had a guest lecture from a psychologist at my D's old middle school a couple of years ago. The point of his talk was about belonging in groups of kids, finding the right friends etc. One of the points that he made was that a lot of kids do try to befriend others that really are not open to them, and they fail. I am not saying that this is your son's case, just throwing an idea out there. I still remember this from a while back, so it resonated with me. He had an egregious example where the cool kids actually voted someone off the lunch table. I couldn't get over the story. I had to follow up on what happened to that boy. I guess he learned quite a bit about who not to hang out with, and how to avoid having that type of negative interaction.</p>
<p>My D was a day student at a boarding school. It was very tough. All the advice here is good but if your S is at all athletic, I would say: sports, sports, sports. Nothing bonds kids as much, at least on an immediate level.
I ditto staying out of the day student lounge.
It may end up being a good thing there are so few day students, at my D's school there was a decent sized group but I think that contributed to them being even more isolated. Also, if perhaps teachers and staff are alerted to this issue, a teacher could go out of his way and pair up your child with a boarder on, say, a project. Just an idea....Good luck!</p>
<p>The day - boarding situation varies by school. </p>
<p>At Deerfield Academy day students are hazed and social outcasts. Really nasty. DA has a DS room, but its empty. Successful day students at DA adopt a dorm and pretend they live there.</p>
<p>Milton is 50% day, with the day students leaving by bus at 6:00. </p>
<p>Northfield Mount Hermon really bends over backwards to integrate daystudents. Every day student is assigned to a dorm, which has an overnight room where they can sleep over if needed. They participate in dorm activities, and their D.L (adviser)group is assigned by dorm. Day student parents have evening meetings 4 times a year. Work Jobs are assigned so as not to kill family or transportation arrangements, and day students can knock of their work job commitment during vacations. Since so many of the students come from Pre-prep schools in the area, a lot of the day students know each other already. The only glitch is when teacher assign a project on Friday that requires on campus resources or group work, and is due on Monday.</p>
<p>
[quote]
At Deerfield Academy day students are hazed and social outcasts. Really nasty. DA has a DS room, but its empty. Successful day students at DA adopt a dorm and pretend they live there.
[/quote]
While it is true that it is harder at DA than some others, this is a bit extreme. They are not hazed or social outcasts. The DA system is for day students to be assigned a dorm anyway, so yes, successful ones take that to heart.</p>